Baby Experts 02

by The Midwife’s Glass Slipper

  He’d loved their house. More than she had. When he’d asked her for a divorce, she’d moved out and found an apartment. He’d stayed. In the divorce proceedings, she’d discovered they’d had almost no equity in the house. She certainly hadn’t been able to handle the mortgage payments. Since he’d raided his pension to cover her legal bills, she’d thought it only fair he keep the house.

  “What else have you bought?” she asked, knowing he’d been able to cover the mortgage payments quite comfortably before.

  He averted his gaze from hers, concentrated on the sandwich in front of him, popped a few chips into his mouth. He shrugged. “I bought a Corvette after you left.”

  “A Corvette?”

  “I’d always wanted one. With you gone, it was a chick magnet.”

  He’d gone into debt over a chick magnet. “Anything else?”

  “This is not about what I bought or didn’t buy,” he answered angrily. “I helped you when you were in a tough spot. Now I need you to help me.”

  The guilt card. He’d always played it to his advantage and it had always worked. “I could possibly send you fifty dollars more a month. But I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m thinking about becoming a midwife again.”

  “You are kidding.”

  “No. Why shouldn’t I?” Her chin went up and she knew she sounded defensive but couldn’t help it.

  “Look what happened the last time! Who’s going to bail you out now if you get into trouble again?”

  Get into trouble again? That’s how he saw a child dying on her watch? “Apparently, you still don’t understand that there was nothing I could do to prevent that stillbirth. It was not my fault.”

  “Yeah, that’s what the jury said. But you thought differently, didn’t you? You had doubts.”

  “Maybe I had doubts because you didn’t believe in me. Maybe if you had believed in me, I would have believed in myself.” She’d never said this to him before and maybe it was time it came out.

  “My believing in you, or not believing in you, wouldn’t have changed anything. You still would have had legal bills to take care of, and that’s what this is about. I need that money back. Now.”

  “I can’t give it to you now. Do you still have the boat?”

  His brows drew together. “Yes, I have the boat.”

  “So that means you still have all the marina fees and the repair bills.” She’d never complained about his toys, but she knew what it cost to keep them.

  “So?”

  “I did help you pay for that boat. Why don’t you sell it?”

  “Are you kidding? I take clients out on that boat. I bring in advertising dollars with that boat.”

  She sighed. “Richard, I will pay you back in time. But when I left Corpus Christi, I left with nothing. I didn’t want anything. I was grateful to you for helping me out, so I thought you deserved it all. And that included the boat.”

  Maybe he realized she was finally going to stand up for herself. “Fifty dollars a month is all you can manage? Not a lump sum?”

  “Fifty dollars a month.”

  He was quiet for a while. Finally, he sighed. “I suppose I could just take advertisers to my club.”

  Richard belonged to a private men’s club where he exercised and played racquetball. He also played poker on weekends.

  “Unless you want to give up that membership fee,” she suggested, knowing it was a hefty one.

  With a look of reluctant resignation, he took a paper out from inside his jacket and laid it on the table. “I suspected I’d have to do this. Your name’s on the boat. Will you sign this so I can sell it?”

  She hadn’t made nearly as much as he had. But ever since she’d started working, she’d tucked savings away each month—for a baby someday she’d always thought. But then he’d wanted to buy the boat and it had seemed important to him, so she’d given him those savings and he’d put her name on the title.

  She suddenly realized she was at peace about her failed marriage. To Richard, everything had always been about status. She’d left him the house, the boat and his standard of living. Yes, she owed him a debt, and she was going to pay that off. She wished she could do that right now so her marriage would really be in the past. But she couldn’t. When she wrote out that check every month, that would remind her what values and goals were really important.

  Jared had the same values and goals she did. That mattered. Yet in time, if he couldn’t commit to her—

  In time, she’d feel more and more like a mom to his girls. In time, they’d feel like a family. But would they be a family if Jared couldn’t promise her forever?

  When Emily walked into Jared’s house, she took one look at him and could feel tension build. He’d apparently come home early and hadn’t been there long. He was still wearing his white shirt and trousers and hadn’t changed. He’d taken off his tie, though, and tossed it onto the counter.

  As Gloria levered herself up from the sofa, Jared moved to help her. She reminded him, “I can do it,” and he moved away again.

  “Come on, girls, let’s go to your room and dress your Barbies,” she suggested.

  “Let’s play Barbie,” Amy agreed, hopped to her feet and scurried toward her room.

  Courtney looked over her shoulder at her dad. “Are you going to play?”

  He smiled at her. “Maybe later. I want to talk to Emily. Go ahead.”

  “I’ll help Grandma,” Courtney decided, went to her grandmother and took her hand as they walked together to the twins’ room.

  “You came home early,” Emily said, not sure how to dive into a conversation about where she’d been.

  “It’s a good thing I did. You shouldn’t have left my mother alone with Amy and Courtney.”

  “I knew I wouldn’t be gone long. But I wouldn’t have gone if I didn’t think your mother could handle it.”

  “She’s still unsure of her balance. If she had fallen again—”

  Although Jared didn’t show it often, he cared about his mother more than he wanted to admit.

  “I’m sorry. I was only a phone call away. I told her I’d come right back if she needed me.”

  Silence lengthened between them until he asked, “What was so important?”

  Did he think she was going to lie to him? Hadn’t he gotten her message?

  “I met with Richard. He was just in town for the day and it was the only opportunity he had. But you should have known that, Jared. I tried to call you before I left. Have you checked your messages?”

  He looked blank for a moment, then took the phone from the holster on his belt. He looked chagrined after he checked it. “There’s a message there. I was attending an induced labor and just had my pager on.”

  “Did you think I wouldn’t tell you about my meeting?” She really wanted to know what was in his head. A feeling of dread was creeping into her heart. If he didn’t trust her, what kind of relationship did they have? Did they have a relationship? Or was she only involved in an affair? An affair that would go nowhere?

  “You didn’t tell my mother. Amy overheard you were meeting Richard.”

  Apparently Gloria hadn’t taken notice of the name as Amy had. “Do you know why I didn’t tell your mother, Jared?”

  He didn’t answer, so she went on anyway. “I wanted to tell her. Actually, I wanted to confide in her. I like your mother very much. But I didn’t know if I should.”

  He looked wary now. “Why?”

  “Because I didn’t know if I should involve her in my life. I’d love to feel as if she were family. But what would you think about that? The truth is, she’s not family. The twins aren’t family. I’d love to be their mom, but I’m not. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be because I don’t know what I have with you.”

  He seemed at a loss to respond to that statement. Instead of delving deeper into what she’d said, he asked, “So what did your ex-husband want?”

  She let him sidetrack her. Maybe he just needed to get his bearings. M
aybe what happened today was a good thing because he’d tell her how he felt about her. “Richard is in a financial bind. He’s overextended on his credit and behind in his bills. He asked if I could give him a lump sum.”

  “What did you tell him?”

  “I can’t give him a lump sum, so I’m going to send him more each month. I suggested he sell his boat. I signed off on it.”

  “You told me you gave him everything in the divorce because he’d paid your legal bills.”

  “I did. He had just never taken my name off the painting or the boat.”

  Jared shook his head. “He took everything and left you with nothing. He didn’t support you when you needed it most. So why are you paying him more?”

  “Because I don’t want to feel obligated. Because I think it’s the fair thing to do.” The fair thing to do. She was beginning to realize that she had to be fair to herself and Jared and the twins, too. They were all becoming more attached. She would be leaving soon, and Jared still hadn’t told her what he felt for her.

  She was standing a good five feet from him. The tension had created at least that much distance between them. Her heart pounded as she moved closer to him, knowing she had to ask him some questions of her own.

  His answers would determine her decision.

  “Why were you so upset this afternoon?” she asked quietly. “Because I left your mother alone with the girls? Or because I had a meeting with my ex-husband and you thought it was some kind of secret rendezvous?”

  “I didn’t know what it was. I thought maybe you had planned it,” he admitted.

  “In other words, you didn’t trust me.”

  His response was slow in coming. “You kept something from me before.”

  His words sent a chill down her spine. “You’re right. I did. Because I was afraid for my job…and I didn’t want to mess up what was happening between us. But this is different. We’ve had weeks together now. I’ve told you everything there was to tell about me. So why would you doubt me?”

  He ran his hand over his forehead. “It’s not that simple, Emily.”

  “Oh, I think it is. What do you feel for me, Jared? You’ve never said. Am I just a capable nanny to take care of your kids? A capable nurse to take care of your mother? Am I just a warm body for your bed? What am I to you?”

  Her marriage to Richard had filled her with self-doubt and eroded her confidence. She’d left Corpus Christi because she hadn’t known how to stand up for herself. But now she did, and these questions had to be asked and answered if she and Jared were going to have a future.

  “There’s chemistry between us,” he answered, almost automatically. “We’re good together in bed. I never promised more than that, Emily.”

  His answer filled her with sadness. “No, you didn’t promise more than that. But I began to dream anyway. That was my mistake.”

  Now she knew what she had to do for both their sakes. Her heart hurt so much she could hardly push out the words. Yet she did. “I think the best thing for both of us is for me to pack up my belongings and go. If Chloie can’t stand in, or if you can’t find someone to stay with your mom and the girls for a little while longer, I’ll do it during the day. But when you come home, I’m gone. It hurts too much to be with you, Jared, knowing I love you but that you don’t feel more for me than satisfaction for what we have in bed.”

  She was still hoping he’d tell her then…tell her that he did feel more…tell her that he loved her. But he didn’t. He remained silent. And that silence told her she couldn’t stay.

  Before she started crying, she turned away from him and went to her room, feeling as if her heart was breaking in two.

  Jared sank down onto the sofa, stunned by how numb he felt. He couldn’t seem to put anything in order. His thoughts were jumbled like puzzle pieces strewn across the table. His mother keeping her secret. His marriage to Valerie. His ex-wife’s secret. Emily’s secret. Emily’s ex-husband.

  Jared’s mother peeked around the corner from the hall. “The twins are listening to their read-alongs,” she informed him, then came to sit beside him on the sofa.

  She waited a few moments, he guessed, to see if he’d say anything. But he didn’t have any words.

  “That didn’t sound exactly like a fight,” she ventured.

  “No. It was an end.” Although everything else was jumbled, that fact was clear.

  “Do you want it to be an end?”

  He stared at his mother, seeing the lines on her face that were a testament to what she’d been through. Not only the surgery and recovery, but her life. And even though he’d kept a wall between them all these years, there was tender concern in her eyes now. And he almost couldn’t handle that.

  “An end with Emily doesn’t feel right,” he confessed.

  His mother clasped his shoulder, her fingers gripping him tight. “I am sorry for not telling Wyatt the truth. I am so sorry that you felt betrayed.”

  His mother had said these words before, but they hadn’t touched him as deeply as they did now. There were tears in her eyes as she went on. “Because I kept a secret, you can’t trust anyone. I don’t think you ever trusted Valerie.”

  “She didn’t trust me,” he countered.

  “Think about your marriage, Jared. Did the two of you share your most intimate secrets? Did the two of you share dreams? That’s what trust is all about. I was afraid I’d lose everything I loved if I let the truth come out. Emily was afraid she’d lose her job, and maybe you, if she told you about her background. Valerie was afraid if she stayed here and let you see what was happening to her, that was the way you’d remember her. We all have fears. That’s why we can’t trust. That’s why we can’t share.”

  Suddenly Jared felt as if the room were closing in on him. He felt as if his mother’s words were wrapping around him and binding him so tight he couldn’t breathe.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked, apparently seeing what he wasn’t saying.

  Instead of answering, he asked, “Would you truly be all right here with the twins if Emily leaves? Just for a little while?”

  “I’ll be fine, Jared. I’m stronger than I look.” She gave him a small smile.

  “I won’t be gone long,” he muttered again as he rose, snatched his keys from the counter and went outside.

  But he didn’t use the car keys. Instead, he walked, passing yards where families lived and played. He walked under Texas ash, caught sight of an older man in a yard trimming back betony, got a whiff of mountain sage. His senses seemed to be more alive, colors brighter. Had this been true since Emily had come into his life?

  He walked past the park where she’d played with Amy and Courtney, not because she’d had to, but because she’d wanted to. There was a childlike innocence in Emily, in the way she looked at the world without cynicism. He was so drawn to that.

  Before he knew it, he was out of the neighborhood, walking into the hospital district. A short time later he stood before the small mission church where Emily had taken him not so long ago.

  As he started up the stairs, the padre came out.

  “Good evening,” the older priest said. “Can I help you?”

  “Is it all right if I just go inside for a few minutes?”

  The padre gave him a knowing look and nodded. “Of course.”

  The heavy door creaked as Jared opened it. The coolness of thick walls, the silence of an empty church, the afternoon light streaking rainbows on the floor rushed toward him and seemed to welcome him.

  Candles still flickered in the votive cups on either side of the altar. Jared didn’t hesitate to walk toward the front and sit in the first pew. There was solace here if he could reach toward it and find it. He’d felt a little of it that day with Emily.

  Soul-searching had never been Jared’s forte. Maybe if it had been, his life would be at a better place.

  What would make his life better? What did he have to do? How could he keep Emily from leaving?

  He realized just how m
uch he wanted to keep her from leaving.

  He glanced up at the altar, at the lit candles, at the shimmering light on the wall. He remembered everything his mother had said, and for the first time in his life, he tried to put himself in her place. She’d been scared when she’d learned he wasn’t Wyatt’s son. She’d loved Wyatt and had been afraid she’d lose him. She’d also been afraid Jared would lose the only father he’d ever known. She’d been right. She’d deceived Wyatt for Jared’s sake, too. She’d kept the secret for all their sakes.

  His thoughts turned to another important woman in his life. Valerie had married him, thinking a doctor’s life was something other than what it was. She’d expected more from him, and he hadn’t known how to give it. Had he really tried? Or as his mother had suggested, had he kept a wall around himself, using his career so he didn’t have to trust? So he didn’t have to share? In the end, Valerie had thought she was doing what was best for him and the twins. Love had directed their actions, right or wrong, and that’s what he should remember.

  When he thought about Emily he couldn’t imagine his life without her. He didn’t want to imagine it. She was more than a nanny. More than a nurse. More than a bedmate. He hadn’t wanted to admit that to himself. He hadn’t wanted to admit he needed her. Would she stay if he asked her? Would she stay if he opened his heart to her? Because he loved Emily Diaz. He’d lacked the courage to open his heart. He’d lacked the courage to be vulnerable. He’d lacked the courage to trust her. He knew now that trust was a decision as much as a feeling…and so was forgiveness.

  Rising to his feet, he stepped over to the side altar, took a bill from his wallet and slipped it into the collection holder. Then he took one of the long sticks from its cup and held it to one of the already lit candles. As he touched the fire to a wick, one flamed for his stepdad, one flamed for Valerie. He also lit one for his mom, for his twins and one for Emily and himself.

  After he did, he felt a burden lift from his shoulders.

  What if Emily had already left?

  He’d go after her. He’d convince her he needed her not only for his twins, but for his own sake.