Come Again

by Emlyn Rees

  I look up and see Jack waving at me, before putting his arm back around Amy. I smile back. A shell of hope bursts inside me. One day, that’ll be me. One day, like Jack, I’ll meet someone and get to know them and fall in love. But in that order. I’m done with trying to grab it all at once. It doesn’t work. And until that time arrives, I’ll keep my eyes open. I meet new people every day. Who knows who they’ll turn out to be if I give them time?

  I notice Chloe disentangling herself from Ug’s primitive advances on the dance floor. She comes over and sits down. ‘Not dancing?’ she asks.

  I pop the champagne cork and fill my glass. ‘No.’

  She puts her arm around my shoulder and gives me a squeeze. ‘Thinking about H?’ she asks.

  I nod my head, scanning the dance floor for her: she’s nowhere to be seen. ‘Sort of.’ I turn to Chloe. ‘But don’t worry, it’s not in the way you think. I was just thinking I should maybe speak to her, apologize for acting so ungraciously when I was wasted, that’s all. Wipe the slate clean, you know?’

  Before Chloe has a chance to reply, the room bursts into a round of applause and cheers. I watch Jack and Amy following Stringer across the dance floor towards the exit.

  ‘Come on,’ Chloe says, pulling me to my feet. ‘They’re off.’

  I put my glass down and follow her through to the main doors and out in to the bustle of bodies, as everyone gathers outside to say their goodbyes.

  ‘Matt!’ Jack shouts, pushing past several people to reach me. ‘There you are.’ He checks out the smiling faces around him. ‘Awesome, or what?’ he comments, grinning. The space clears for a second and I catch a glimpse of Amy. She looks incredible. He shakes his head, as if he can’t quite believe his luck. ‘Fantastic,’ he says, ‘Fan-bloody-tastic.’

  ‘You’ve really gone and done it now,’ I tell him, as he hugs me.

  ‘Haven’t I just?’ He pulls back, his hands resting on the shoulders of my morning coat. ‘And haven’t you just? You’ve been brilliant,’ he tells me. ‘Top stag. Top speech. Top all-round bloke.’

  ‘You two take care on your honeymoon,’ I tell him.

  ‘Damn right.’ He stares me in the eyes for a couple of seconds. ‘You gonna let me return the favour some time?’ he asks.

  ‘Yeah,’ I tell him without hesitating, ‘as soon as the time’s right.’

  ‘Matt,’ Amy says, appearing suddenly, slipping in between us and giving me a kiss. ‘Thanks for everything. You’ve been a star. And thanks for everything you said in your speech about us being made for each other. It means the world to me.’

  ‘I meant every word,’ I say, but then they’re gone, swept back away from me into the circle that Stringer’s created for Amy to throw her bouquet.

  ‘On the count of three,’ Amy shouts, turning her back on the assembled girls. ‘One . . .’

  ‘Two,’ the crowd joins in.

  ‘Three!’

  And the bouquet’s spiralling upwards, falling to earth only seconds later into the waiting hands of . . . Stringer.

  ‘Oh, shit,’ I hear him saying. His face is beetroot. He turns to Susie, who’s standing next to him, and hands her the bouquet. ‘For America,’ he tells her. ‘Who knows who you’ll meet?’

  Then I’m looking at Jack and Amy as they climb in to the back of the cab and wave goodbye. The cab pulls off seconds later and, gradually, the shouting dies down, leaving only the sound of the tin cans tied to the back of the cab as they clatter along the gravel drive. It’s only then that I realize I’m still holding the open champagne bottle. I raise it in the direction of the disappearing cab and then lift it to my lips and drink.

  ‘Any chance of a refill?’ someone to my left asks.

  ‘Sure,’ I say, turning round and seeing H standing by my side. She holds out her glass and, after only the slightest hesitation, I touch the neck of the bottle against its rim and begin to pour.

  H

  Sunday, 00.05

  I look at him, my hand trembling as he fills up my glass.

  ‘Do you want to go back inside?’ he asks.

  There’s so much to say and I’ve been so nervous about this moment all day that now it’s finally come, my mind has gone blank.

  ‘Let’s go for a walk,’ I manage.

  I watch our feet stepping in time along the gravel path and I shiver. Without saying anything, Matt takes off his jacket and puts it round my shoulders.

  ‘Thanks,’ I whisper, clutching my glass.

  ‘Shall we?’ he asks, nodding to a bench between two yew trees.

  I kick off my shoes and hug my knees up as we sit down and we’re both silent, looking at the trees in the moonlight. A few yellow lights streak along the motorway at the bottom of the valley, but otherwise it’s silent. Just the wind in the trees.

  ‘Good wedding,’ I say, turning to face Matt. ‘Your speech was excellent.’

  ‘Thanks,’ he says.

  And there’s another unbearable silence.

  ‘Matt?’

  ‘So?’ he says at the same time and we laugh.

  I shake my head. ‘This is crazy. I’ve been avoiding you all day.’

  ‘I know,’ he says. ‘Which is a shame, because I wanted to tell you earlier that you look wonderful.’

  I look over my shoulder at him.

  ‘Thanks. You don’t look so bad yourself,’ I say, swallowing hard as my eyes meet his. ‘I’m really sorry, Matt.’

  ‘I was about to say the same to you.’

  ‘I mean about Laurent,’ I say. ‘I know you know. Amy told me last night all about Stringer overhearing us in the steam room.’

  ‘Yes, well I wasn’t exactly very gracious about it. All that stuff I said to you . . .’

  ‘I guess that makes us even.’

  ‘I guess it does,’ he says.

  I take a sip of champagne and sigh, looking up at the dark sky. I can hear the crunch of gravel on the drive as the guests start to depart.

  ‘I feel so empty,’ I confess.

  ‘You can’t be after all Stringer’s food.’

  I hang my head and smile.

  ‘I sat in the church today and all I could think was that everything I’ve done has been because I was feeling heartbroken about Gav. It’s taken me all this time to realize it.’

  ‘How do you feel about it now?’

  ‘OK, I think,’ I shrug.

  Matt takes a swig of champagne.

  ‘I’m sorry, though. About us, I mean,’ I say, looking back over my shoulder. ‘I didn’t mean to, but I used you.’

  Matt doesn’t respond. He holds the champagne bottle and looks at his feet.

  ‘D’you know what? I seem to spend my whole time apologizing to people. Why do I always get things so wrong?’

  Matt leans forward and puts his elbows on his knees. ‘You’re not the only one. I’ve got a confession, too.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘I think you should know that I booked Leisure Heaven deliberately. I looked through that envelope in your bag, the night you stayed.’

  ‘You didn’t!’

  ‘I wanted to surprise you,’ he says.

  ‘You managed that.’

  I shake my head, ashamed and sad all at once. Because it could have been a good plan. In a parallel universe things could have worked out between us, but now it’s all gone to waste. We managed to go from being acquaintances, to lovers, to enemies in such a short space of time. And now we’re left with this emotional fall-out. Matt clears his throat.

  ‘So? What about you? How’s your French bloke?’

  I put my legs down on the ground and turn to face him, shocked that he doesn’t know. ‘Oh Matt. It’s not what you think. It was a total disaster.’

  ‘So you’re not still seeing him?’

  ‘No. But his wife is. And his kids.’

  And suddenly I feel lost and I can’t name the emotion, but it feels something like grief. For Gav, for Laurent, for Amy, for my youth, for Matt, but most of all, for me. I take a
deep breath.

  ‘Fucking men,’ Matt jokes as if sensing it.

  ‘Yes, fucking men,’ I repeat. ‘Never a good idea.’

  And then instead of crying, I laugh.

  Matt tips some more champagne into my glass. ‘To new beginnings,’ he toasts.

  ‘To new beginnings,’ I repeat.

  Matt shakes his head and looks out over the view and we seem to be silent for ages.

  ‘I wonder how Jack and Amy are getting on,’ he says, eventually, which is odd because that’s exactly what I was thinking, too.

  ‘Consummating probably,’ I say.

  Matt laughs. ‘Or sleeping. Aren’t you exhausted?’

  And all of a sudden, I realize that I am. I shiver and yawn at the same time.

  ‘Come on,’ says Matt, helping me to my feet.

  Everyone has gone when we get back to The Manor and the duty manager is locking up. There’s one cab left on the gravel drive and Matt goes to talk to the driver.

  ‘We might as well share it,’ he says, opening the door.

  I look behind me out of the back window, glad to be in the warm as the cab pulls away. The duty manager turns the lantern out above the grand entrance. I watch as the drive turns blue in the moonlight and the grass lawns fade into black.

  And I don’t know where we’re going, but I do know, as I turn back and settle my head into the crook of Matt’s arm, that everything is going to be all right.

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  Epub ISBN: 9781446493632

  Version 1.0

  Published by Arrow Books 2000

  9 10

  Copyright © Josie Lloyd and Emlyn Rees 2000

  Josie Lloyd and Emlyn Rees have asserted their rights under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988, to be identified as the authors of this work.

  First published in Great Britain in 2000 by William Heinemann

  Arrow Books

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  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

  ISBN 9780099279280