The F It List (Love You Forever Book 6)

by Alexis Winter

  The list. Everything is about the list. My stomach sinks and leaves me feeling sick. First off, it’s concerning that I wanted that kiss as badly as I did. I thought I’d been keeping my distance. I thought I was holding my ground—that I wasn’t getting too close. That kiss proved me wrong. I like Grayson. I want Grayson. Why can’t I be one of those girls who’s just down to have fun and accept it when it’s time to end things? Like Harley. Harley was always like that . . . until she met Foster, anyway.

  I’ve never been able to just relax with a guy; I’ve always been worried if he liked me or not. Grayson was the first guy I’ve been able to just be myself with. But now that I know I like him—now that we’ve kissed—I won’t even be able to do that anymore.

  Or maybe this is the perfect guy to try this out on. I know he doesn’t like me. The fact that I have a little crush is usually enough to make me go crazy. With Grayson, I can learn how to control myself—learn how to remain myself no matter who’s around. I just have to figure out where all of this will leave Grayson and me when it’s time to move on. I don’t want to hurt him in any way. If possible, I’d like for our newfound friendship to remain intact.

  I guess Grayson and I have a long talk ahead of us.

  Sleep doesn’t come easily, but when I finally do fall asleep, I dream of him, that kiss, and the things we should’ve done after it. I wake feeling happy, excited, and a little let down that none of it was real.

  I usually take advantage of Sundays by lounging around my house all day in my pajamas while binge-watching my favorite shows, doing laundry, napping, cleaning, and eating. I start my day with a long, hot shower. I pull on a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt and tug my hair up into a messy ponytail. I heat up a frozen breakfast bowl with eggs, gravy, potatoes, cheese, and sausage. Then I take my food and coffee to the couch to start watching TV.

  I take my time eating and drinking my coffee while watching an episode of Supernatural. When I finish, I take everything to the kitchen and start cleaning up while listening to what’s happening on the TV. As I’m starting a load of laundry, I hear a light tapping on the door. I look at the time on my watch as I head to the front of the apartment. It’s only 9 a.m. Who could that be this early?

  I look through the peephole and find Grayson on the other side. A long breath leaves my lips. I knew I’d have to talk with him at some point, but I didn’t think it would be this soon. He knocks again as I stand there, trying to work up the courage to answer the door.

  “Come on, Cora. I know you’re mad, but let’s talk about this,” he says from the other side.

  I don’t want him to think that he did anything wrong, even though I still kind of feel like he did, so I open the door and our eyes meet. The tingle I felt yesterday during our kiss returns, starting in the pit of my stomach. I shake off the feeling. It’s probably just whatever’s left over from my dream last night.

  “Come in,” I say, opening the door a little wider. He steps inside and I close the door behind him before leading him back to the living room and having a seat on the couch. He slowly walks into the room and gently sits beside me. He’s leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees, eyes directed at the TV.

  I pull my feet up on the couch, wrapping my arms around my knees, waiting.

  “Look, Cora,” he starts, but I jump in.

  “No, let me start.” I take a deep breath, not completely sure of what I’m wanting to say, but knowing I don’t want him to feel bad. “You didn’t do anything wrong, so please don’t feel bad. It was me. I just reacted badly. Here you are, trying to be a nice guy and help me out, and I yell at you?” I shake my head at myself and let it hang.

  “Can I talk now?” he asks, causing me to look up at him.

  I nod.

  “I had a lot of fun with you last night. You sort of blew me away with your singing. You just looked so happy up there, alive in that spotlight. I saw you in a whole different light. And even though I knew I shouldn’t, all I wanted to do was kiss you. I don’t know if I was being selfish, or if I thought it would help you move on. But when we ran out in the rain, I had an excuse. So you see, the kiss . . . it was real. I just used your list as a way to justify it.”

  “You . . . wanted to kiss me?” I ask, feeling excited and confused.

  He laughs. “Why is that so hard for you to believe?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know. It’s just that you’re you and I’m . . . me. You can have any girl you want and I have to pretend to be someone else just to get a guy to notice me.”

  He shakes his head at himself. “Maybe you’ve had such bad luck because you’ve never let someone see the real you.”

  “I’ve never had much luck with the real me,” I mumble.

  He sits back lazily and shrugs. “You’ve always had my interest,” he says with a smirk.

  I sit back too, playfully shoving my shoulder against his. “Yeah, but you’re a weirdo,” I say, wondering if he meant he’s interested in me as a person or as something more—like a girlfriend? He did say he wanted to kiss me last night, but he didn’t say that he’s always wanted to or that he’s always been interested in me in that way. But it’s probably for the best. We’re friends first, and he’s become such a close friend this past week that I don’t know what I’d do if I ever lost him.

  Instead of asking or ruining things by talking, we both just turn our attention to the TV and space out watching Supernatural. I don’t remember falling asleep. All I know is that I’m warm and comfortable. This is the best nap I’ve ever had and I’m nowhere near ready to wake up. But unfortunately, I don’t have a choice. My eyes flutter open and I yawn as I stretch my cramped muscles. That’s when I realize I can’t move.

  Why can’t I move?

  I find myself in Grayson’s arms. He has one arm wrapped around my shoulders, holding me to his strong chest. My face is resting on his shoulder, with one hand on his chest and one leg wrapped around his hips. I used to sleep with Jimmy this way, but even that didn’t feel this good. Grayson is warm and strong and smells amazing. Even though he’s asleep beside me, his arms around me are hard and muscular. I feel safe here, although that thought makes me feel a little anxious. This is not staying on my side of the line. This is crossing the line.

  I lift my head off his chest and try to sit up. His eyes flutter open and acknowledgment spreads across his face. He releases me to sit up as he works himself up the couch into a sitting position. I run my hands over my face to wake up and yawn.

  “Man, I wonder how long we slept?” I say, looking at my watch to find it’s going on 3 p.m.

  “Quite a while,” he says, stretching. “You fell asleep on my shoulder and I didn’t want to wake you. Guess I drifted off too.”

  “Sorry about that. I hope you didn’t need to go,” I say, finding the remote and turning the show back on.

  “Nah, I don’t have anything going on today. I am getting hungry though. Want to order some dinner?”

  “Sure, what are you in the mood for?”

  “Pizza sounds good.”

  “I’ll order it,” I say, getting up and going into the kitchen. There’s a pizza menu on the fridge, so I dial the number and order. Then I quickly use the bathroom and transfer the laundry. I’m back a few minutes later, taking my same position on the couch.

  “So are you looking forward to our camping trip this weekend?”

  “I am,” I agree.

  “I was thinking that we could do some kayaking.”

  “Oh yeah, that would be fun. I’ve never been before.”

  “Maybe something else to add to the list,” he points out.

  “Can you fish from a kayak?”

  He chuckles. “No. Kayaks turn over too easily.”

  “But we’re still going to fish, right?”

  “Absolutely,” he promises.

  My phone rings and I pick it up. “Hey, Harley. What’s up?”

  “Nothing. I’m bored. Want to hang out?”

  I quickly look
at Grayson watching TV. “I can’t today. I’m booked. Rain check?”

  “All right,” she groans. “Have fun doing whatever you’re doing without me.”

  I laugh. “Bye.” I hang up the phone and place it back on the end table.

  “Hope you’re not canceling dates on my behalf,” he says with a smirk.

  I laugh. “Sure am. Thought I’d save myself all for you.”

  He turns his head to look at me and his eyes are dark with something. “I’m going to hold you to that, you know.”

  I roll my eyes. “Hold me to what? Saving myself for you?”

  He nods. “I think that means I get to help you with another item on your list.” He wags his brows at me.

  I gasp. “What? No! We,” I motion between us, “will never be that close. We’re only friends.”

  He shrugs. “Friends do it all the time.”

  “I don’t with my friends,” I correct.

  “Think about it,” he says, now turning his whole body to face me. “Who else could you trust to be that close to you? Plus you don’t want to get into a real relationship and embarrass yourself, right? At least with me, you don’t have to worry about that.”

  Hmm. He does have a point. But . . . “No way.” I could never.

  He shakes his head. “Fine, have it your way. But I bet you’d be a lot more comfortable with me than some guy you just met.”

  I worry my bottom lip while he watches me. “I’ll think about it,” I say, refusing to look at him.

  The subject drops as we watch TV. The food gets delivered and we both dig in. We hang out the rest of the day—talking, laughing, and goofing around. He doesn’t leave until 9 p.m., and once he does, I finish up my laundry and get to bed since I have to wake up early for work tomorrow.

  As I lie in my dark bedroom, I think back on what he suggested. Could I really have sex with Grayson? Wouldn’t it be weird? Even if in the moment, I could push past the thought of having sex with a friend, would I be able to handle that memory after we’ve been together? How would we act at work when we’re around our coworkers? How would I feel anytime we’re alone, checking off the items on my list? But then again, can I really not take what he’s put on the table? How many chances like this am I going to get in my life? I’ve had a thing for him since the day we ran into each other in the break room in those early days of my job. At the time, I thought he was hot as hell but way out of my league. I never even thought about trying to ask him out. Why would I when I thought it was pointless? Then I met Jimmy and fell in love with him. So over the years, I was happy to settle into what we had: friendship. Would sleeping with him ruin that?

  Not if we don’t let it.

  Six

  Grayson

  The week goes by rather quickly. Cora and I hang out a lot, but we never talk about the thing I suggested. I wonder if she’s actually thinking about it or if she dismissed it and hasn’t thought of it again. I hope she’s thinking about it. I was torn between telling her how I feel and letting her think I was only doing this stuff because of the list, but she seemed so freaked out by our kiss that I chickened out on telling her the truth. I don’t want to scare her away or push her into something she isn’t ready for, so I went with the safest option. Maybe the more time we spend together, the more she’ll realize that something is developing between us. That’s what I’m hoping for, anyway. The more time I spend with her, the more I like her and want her. I hope she feels the same way.

  We both skip out of work early on Friday and go home to get everything packed up for our big camping trip. I pack the cooler full of beer, then grab my tent, sleeping bags, pillows, and fishing supplies. She’s in charge of getting food and cookware for the trip. I drive over to her place and help her load everything into the car. Around 4 p.m., we’re finally on our way.

  “Okay, before we get out of the city and it’s too late, let’s run through our checklist,” I say.

  She nods and turns to face me. “Food, check.”

  “What all did you get?”

  “I got us a couple of steaks for dinner tonight. I also bought some potatoes and a can of baked beans. I got eggs, bacon, and sausage for breakfast, and I packed enough for Saturday and Sunday morning. I chose lunch meat, bread, and chips for tomorrow’s lunch. And I got some brats for dinner tomorrow, along with ketchup, mustard, and relish.”

  “Okay, I got the beer.”

  “I brought a few sodas and water too. I’m going to need caffeine without coffee,” she laughs out.

  “Bug spray?”

  “Got it. What about bait for fishing?”

  “I put some in the cooler with the beer.”

  She wrinkles her nose. “Ew!”

  “What? It’s in its own container and I sealed that in a Ziploc baggie. The beer will be fine, trust me.”

  She shrugs. “That should be everything then, right?”

  “You brought the frying pan and spatula?”

  “Yep, cast iron just like you said.”

  “Good. We should be set.”

  She turns back to the road to enjoy the journey.

  We arrive at the campsite a little while later and get busy. I back the car in and open the hatchback to start unloading. “It’ll be dark soon. We should get the tent up and the fire built ASAP.”

  “Okay, let’s get busy then.”

  We spend the next two hours building the tent, setting up the fire, and getting all of our stuff into position. We’re cracking open our first beer just as the sun is going down.

  “I can’t believe we forgot chairs,” she says as we sit on the ground next to the fire. She’s sitting cross-legged, with her elbows on her knees and her face on her fists. She looks miserable and I can’t help but laugh.

  Her eyes glare at me from across the fire. “What’s so funny?”

  “You. It’s not the end of the world. We’re out in nature and we have food, fire, and beer. What else do you need?”

  “A chair,” she says, her voice void of emotion, and that only makes me laugh harder.

  “Let’s get them steaks cooking, huh?” I stand up and dig around for the cast iron skillet and place it over the fire. She gets up and starts to wrap the potatoes in foil while I season the steaks.

  “Okay, what do I do with these?” she asks, holding the potatoes up in the air.

  “Just toss them into the fire.”

  “Into the fire?”

  I nod.

  “How will we get them out if they’re in the fire?”

  “Just set them on the edge. We’ll have to rotate them so they cook evenly.”

  She shrugs but walks over to the fire and sets them on the edge. I toss the steaks onto the skillet and they sizzle immediately. As the sun goes down, the temperature drops and makes us more thankful for the heat of the fire. We have another beer while the food cooks.

  “It’s peaceful out here,” she says, lying back in the grass, eyes glued on the dark sky filled with a million tiny stars.

  The crickets are chirping and every once in a while, you can hear a fish splashing in the water. The fire is crackling and the steaks are sizzling. There’s a light breeze, but nothing too cold. It helps cool the areas on my skin that the fire is warming too much.

  “It’s nice to be out of the noise of the city,” I think out loud.

  “Yeah, I never realized how loud it is until I heard real quiet,” she laughs.

  Finally, the food’s done and we eat our steak and potatoes while drinking our beer and enjoying the silence.

  “You know what else I’ve never done?” she says out of nowhere, almost making me jump.

  “What’s that?” I ask, turning to look at her.

  “Skinny-dip.” Her smile slowly widens across her face.

  My smile automatically appears. “Go for it. I’ll sit right here and watch.”

  She rolls her eyes as she stands up. “Come on. I can’t go alone.”

  I watch as her hands reach for the hem of her shirt. She slowly pulls
it up and over her head, revealing her black bra.

  My mouth nearly drops open but I hold it back. Instead, I lick my lips, thinking about kissing my way around that body of hers.

  “Come on. Stop staring and join me.” She drops the shirt and gets to work on her jeans.

  “You know how cold that water is going to be?”

  She shrugs. “I’m drunk. I won’t care.”

  I laugh. “But I will when you start making fun of me. Guys and cold water don’t mix.”

  This only makes her giggle as she turns around and unsnaps her bra. I freeze as I watch her hold it out to the side and drop it. She looks over her shoulder at me. “Come on. You can do it.”

  I let out a huff of air and stand up, pulling my shirt over my head. The wind blows across my chest and it’s cold, making my nipples harden.

  She doesn’t turn back around, so I can’t get a better view of what she’s covering with her hand, but she pushes her panties down and kicks them off. I get a nice view of her ass before she goes running off into the darkness. A second later, I hear her splashing in the water.

  Fuck. If I wanna see, I have to go.

  I kick off my shoes and socks and push my jeans down my legs. I walk toward the water in my boxers. By the time I reach the edge of the lake, my eyes have adjusted to the darkness and I can see her head bobbing up and down in the water.

  “Come on! Don’t be scared. I won’t look!” she yells, turning around so I can only see the back of her head.

  I push my boxers down my legs and walk into the water. I nearly yelp the moment it hits my skin, but I don’t want to act like a baby, so I walk in further until my lower half is covered. “Okay, this is as deep as I’m going.”

  She turns around and gives me a look that says really? She comes swimming over. “Come on, you’ll get used to it. It’s not that bad.” She raises her hand and splashes cold water up my chest. I suck in a loud breath and she giggles.

  I growl. “That’s it!” I say, diving in after her. She squeals and swims away, but I grab her ankle and pull her back.