In the Absence of Monsters

by Jp Barnaby

  With that, the weight of his statement hit me – my father wasn’t ashamed of me, he was proud of me even though I had done so many fucking things wrong. So many things…my relationship with my parents, with Kimberly, I made it so much worse than I needed to, putting them through so much grief and my parents had no idea why. I should have just talked to them while I had the chance.

  “What is it that you wanted to discuss with us?” Kimberly asked as she walked into the room. “It’s not very easy for us to be here, so if we could just get through this?”

  “Of course,” Mr. Rotes said lightly. “As you know, your father started his company from nothing and built a rather large business from it. He was revered by his employees because he never lost touch with the people he worked with—he was their leader, more than their boss. With his death, people have started to become very worried. The stock price has fallen and the board is at a loss on what to do about it. They see only one option. They need a Carter on the board.” I was stunned; he couldn’t be asking what it sounded like he was asking.

  “Mr. Rotes, with all due respect, I have a degree in American History. I’m not a businessman.”

  “No, but your brother-in-law here,” Rotes said as Josh came into the room, “has an MBA. They’re looking for a name, a figurehead. You can give them so much more than that, if you’re willing. I think our proposal should be that you be on the board for a year to calm peoples’ nerves. Then, you let Josh take your place. You would all have to move here, Josh would need to work closely with our other executives to familiarize himself, but from what I’ve heard about him, I’m confident in his abilities.” I stared at Josh and his open, but slightly smug look. I assumed he was a just a jock.

  “Mr. Rotes, I still have two semesters left to get my masters. I’ve worked…” I started but he cut me off.

  “Your father had mentioned that were also accepted to UIC. I’ve talked to them. Your father was a pillar in the community, they would be honored for you to finish and accept your degree from them,” he said in a rush. With that statement, my last argument was lost. I knew that I owed it to my father to help save the company he had built; it was selfish of me to think of myself first right now. After having done everything for me, the least I could do was give my father’s company a year of my life. I looked at Josh who nodded at me. Then, I looked to Kimberly who did the same.

  “We’ll do it,” I said weakly, wondering how in God’s name I was going to explain it to Ethan.

  * * * *

  The plane ride back was quiet. Kimberly gave me space to let me work through uprooting my life for the next year. She and Josh were excited about moving to Chicago and I had given them my blessing to live in and renovate our parents’ townhouse. I thought it was fitting that eventually they would raise their children there because we’d had such a happy childhood there.

  When I arrived home, it was dark and quiet and after leaving my jacket and shoes in the closet by the door, I went in search of Ethan, finding him in his den. He looked up, almost surprised to see me standing in his doorway.

  “I didn’t think you’d be back so soon.”

  “Well, the board accepted our proposal fairly quickly, so there was no real reason to stay. I had to come back and get things ready,” I replied. It would be better just to do it, I rationalized.

  “What recommendations did you offer?” His jaw tightened as it always did in times of stress. He knew there was something wrong as I avoided eye contact, my feet shifting in my discomfort.

  “That I serve on the Board of Directors for a year as representative ‘Carter’. After that, Josh will take over,” I said solemnly, still looking at my shoes.

  “So, you’re giving notice?” he asked, his voice in a forced calm. Giving notice? Subs gave notice? Like a job?

  “Giving notice?” I asked, not fully sure what he was asking.

  “To move out,” he continued in a business-like tone. “Fine, after I inspect the space, I’ll refund your deposit.”

  “Ethan…”

  “No, Jayden. It’s not a big deal. I can always find another tenant,” he said and went back to typing. I knew he was upset, but that fucking hurt. Although, I had to remember he was panicked now at the possibility of having his only sub taken before he was ready. I turned and left the room. It was eerie how calmly he had taken that, but I was sure that would not be the end of it. When I entered my bedroom a few minutes later, I had to stifle a groan. Mr. Rotes may be taking care of the college transfer, but he certainly wasn’t going to pack for me. Deciding to put it off until tomorrow, as I was tired and a little peeved at Ethan, I grabbed my laptop and started an email to Lexi. She’d kill me if she found out about this from anyone other than me. That thought made me chuckle as I started to type.

  “I thought you’d be packing…” Ethan said from the doorway nearly twenty minutes later. I looked up at him, but he didn’t say anything, so I went back to typing.

  “Jayden…”

  “Look, I know you want this space for your next tenant,” I said, injecting more venom into the last word. “But I am paid up through the end of the month. I’ll be out before then.” The color slowly drained from his face.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—” I cut him off.

  “I know, but to hear you call me just a tenant – it pissed me off, Ethan.” I looked away.

  “I’m sorry,” he offered again, his hands balled up into fists at his sides. I hoped he wasn’t there for a session, because I would have safe-worded before the words were all the way out of his mouth. There was no way I would risk a repeat of our last session when he was upset. “I’m not used to having so many strong feelings, Jayden. I know that you have to go and I know why, but that doesn’t make it any easier. You have come to be my friend, probably my closest friend. It is selfish of me to want to keep you here.” He looked at the floor and I sighed.

  “Ethan, you are probably my best friend too, if I needed to quantify it. I don’t want to live in Chicago for a year, but I caused my father enough grief. It’s my duty and, really, my honor to help save something he had worked so long to build.” He nodded and we said our goodnights. It was a long time before I fell asleep.

  Over next few days, while I was getting everything ready, Ethan was very quiet, only making a few comments on the houses I’d looked at online, but otherwise he had kept to himself. I was having my stuff shipped to my parents’ townhouse – well, now Kim and Josh’s townhouse, until I decided on a place. Mr. Rotes had put me in touch with a fantastic realtor and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I found something. Honestly, I was excited about buying my first house. That simple transaction, more than any other, made me feel like an adult. Even though I’d been on my own since I had started college, I’d always had my parents to fall back on. Now, I would be standing alone, making my first major purchase. My life was changing so drastically, so fast, I was just trying to keep up.

  As I tossed the last two boxes into my truck, I caught Ethan watching me from the doorway. Just before he turned away, I caught the look of pain that ravaged his perfect face.

  My heart clenched at the sight.

  “Well, everything is finally finished. When I leave for Chicago tomorrow, all of my stuff should be there.” I knew that working in my father’s company was something I needed to do; something Kimberly needed to do, but that didn’t make leaving Ethan any easier. Over the last year and a half, somehow, amazingly, he had become my best friend. Even though I knew we would not lose contact, I would still miss our daily interactions. “I should probably get to bed, tomorrow is going to be a long day.” I turned toward the stairs when Ethan’s hand on my arm stopped me…the depth and clarity of the emotions shown in his eyes was staggering.

  “Wait…” he requested. He hesitated and I searched his face. On the surface, he was calm, but I could see the tempest just underneath working to break free. “I wanted to ask you something.”

  “Sure, Ethan?” I was curious and somewhat conce
rned by his sudden awkwardness.

  “I…” he started then paused, looking down at the floor

  “Please, Ethan, what is it?” I asked, putting my hand on his shoulder. Whatever he wanted to ask, it was certainly difficult for him.

  “I wanted to ask you to…” he started again and then looked up into my face. “No. I need for you to show me what you showed Lexi.”

  My brow furrowed and I tried to figure out what he meant. Obviously, he would have just as much trouble putting it any other way. Then, as Lexi’s soft voice came into my head, I understood.

  “I’ve never made love before, it’s always been...I...Well, I was a virgin when I came to Master Ethan. I’ve been with him for two years and I’ve never been with anyone else. Would you make love to me, Jayden?”

  The dawning recognition must have registered in my face, because his eyes went to the floor again. He was obviously embarrassed by the request because he turned to go upstairs. This time I stopped him, but not with a hand on his shoulder, but by taking his hand in mine. I nodded and he squeezed my hand in response. We started up the stairs together and he surprised me by bypassing the second floor and heading to the third. Through my shock, I realized that during all of my time here, I’d never seen Ethan bring anyone up to his room. He once told me that subs never slept in his bed…ever. However, I was no longer a sub – and tonight, it wasn’t about that relationship. Tonight, he was just Ethan and I was just Jayden.

  He opened the door to his bedroom and I was struck at its majestic beauty, artfully decorated in shades of blue with matching dark wood furniture, almost nautical in its color scheme. Just like everything else in Ethan’s life, it was ordered and meticulous in its form and function. He walked over to the side table and removed a small bottle from the top drawer, laying it on the top without a word.

  “I don’t know what love is, Jayden. I’ve spent my whole adult life trying to figure that out, but I can’t. I remember the feeling of my mother’s love from my childhood. Before my life went to hell, she made me feel safe, like a warm glow inside me. I have that same feeling for Lexi and I feel the word when I look at her. But when we ‘made love’ in the playroom before her departure for New York, it felt like just another session. It wasn’t any different for me. I thought it would be different, that I would feel different. I’m starting to think that maybe…well, maybe he took that too—my ability to love.” I couldn’t answer him. The overwhelming sadness in his face threatened to drown me and I finally understood. Ethan was experiencing a feeling, that feeling that you get in the pit of your stomach, that basest of instincts – but he had no frame of reference, he couldn’t process it. Like a small child that sees a puppy – they get that rush, that feeling that tells them that they want it, that they love it – but they have no concept of what that means. Ethan couldn’t discern the contrasting granular levels of love. The love of a mother, the love of a wife, even the love of a friend – they are all the same to him. He had not found that one person that will contrast the intensity of romantic love from the comfort of platonic love. “It’s not that I don’t want it, it’s that I don’t think I’m capable of it,” he finished in a broken whisper.

  I didn’t stop to think or allow him to think, I just let my emotions burst from behind the dam that was barely containing them and took his face in both my hands. Watching as the sadness left his eyes and was replaced by longing, I continued to stroke his soft skin as our lips met. This kiss wasn’t like others we’d shared. This kiss was tender and full of meaning; there was emotion there that I don’t think was ever present before. His arms slid around my waist as our kiss deepened and I let my fingers move up to his soft unruly hair and he moaned as I toyed with it, letting the affection I felt for him flow through.

  He reached for the hem of my t-shirt and I released him just long enough for us to get both of our shirts off. When we came together again, I felt every inch of his lean, muscular chest against mine in an erotic sensation. I wanted to grind my hips into him and let him feel what he was doing to me, but I knew I had to be very careful with Ethan and take things slowly. Gently, I walked him back towards the bed and we climbed into it. Pushing him back onto the pillows, I rested my body between his parted thighs and he gasped quietly as my hips came into contact with his, my nearly throbbing erection pressed tightly against his. Almost experimentally, he moved his hips and groaned at the friction.

  I kissed him again, wanting him to feel comfortable in his admittedly submissive position, while his hands roamed ceaselessly over my naked back and chest. I broke our kiss to move slowly down his perfect body, starting with gentle open-mouthed kisses on his neck and shoulders as he shifted beneath me and I smiled to myself. Next, I took one of his hardened nipples between my lips. When his head pushed back into the pillow and he moaned, I wondered if anyone had ever touched him in this way – tenderly, lovingly. I rubbed his other nipple with my thumb, forcing a low, breathless utterance of my name from his parted lips. His hips continued to grind slowly against mine, adding to the already mounting pressure of my arousal. I switched my mouth to his other nipple and when he arched his back, I took the opportunity to slide his pajama pants down to his knees. Entwining his fingers behind my head as my lips moved over his stomach, his breathing accelerated. To relay my feelings of affection, I turned my head and let my cheek slide over the muscles of his abdomen, taking my time covering his stomach and sides with tender kisses. Moving down a bit farther, I finished removing his sleep pants before quickly removing my own. I was completely naked in bed with Ethan.

  I used my palms to gently push his legs apart and then began to cover the insides of his thighs with soft open-mouthed kisses, spending a good deal of time moving from his knee to just where his thigh meets his hip. Finally, I took his erection into my mouth. Even though I had performed this act on him countless times, this time felt different, it felt much more intimate. If we were going to attempt what he wanted, he needed to be incredibly aroused. I felt the smooth texture of the head as my tongue passed over it. He was moaning incessantly, his fingers tugging gently at my grown-out hair. For probably the first time in his life, he was feeling the underlying emotions, along with the physical sensations. I knew he was trying to stop himself from controlling my movements – which was good, because I was in charge now. Taking him deeper into my mouth, I was unable to stop the moan that reverberated around him. Slowly, his hips began to move and I matched his rhythm, listening to him moaning and panting, rapidly losing that carefully cultivated control. Continuously, I teased him, sucked him almost into my throat and when his hands released my hair and grasped desperately at the bed clothes, I knew that it was time.

  As if he’d read my thoughts, I felt him nudge my shoulder with the bottle he’d sat out earlier. I took it and rubbed my cock with a little of its contents. Again, I moaned around him in my mouth as my oversensitive erection twitched with the additional friction. Then I spread a moderate amount around his anus, being careful not to push him too far. Finally, I let him slide from my mouth and rubbed the lubricant onto his pulsing cock as he pumped it in and out of my hand and then I drew his legs up and positioned myself.

  “Ethan?”

  He nodded, pushing himself onto me, and I felt the head of my cock slide effortlessly into him. Sucking in a breath, he whimpered very softly. I stopped to let him adjust to the penetration, but he wrapped his legs around my waist and pulled me closer – and subsequently deeper into him. When I was about halfway there, he closed his eyes tightly.

  I stopped and his head began to rock back and forth. That’s when I noticed his tears falling; his face full of pain. Somehow, I knew the pain wasn’t physical. In his mind, he was back in that dark time of his life. Whether it was a flashback or just a bad memory, I didn’t know, but I did know I had to refocus his attention, return his focus to me. Leaning forward, I laid my palm on his face. Wiping his tear streaked cheek, I pressed my lips against his forehead. His face was hot, flushed and his breathing was u
ncontrolled. It hurt me that I was causing him pain, my heart ached for what he must be remembering; the severity of the trauma that would cause this kind of reaction in someone as strong as him. It had to be devastating. Propping myself on my elbows, I took his face in both of my hands.

  “Ethan, it’s me. It’s just me, angel, open your eyes,” I said softly, trying to bring him back to me. His eyes opened and more tears fell. In that moment, I would have done anything to take his pain away. He didn’t deserve it. When I began to pull back, he used his legs to pull me forward again as he took a deep breath and then nodded. I took my hand from his face and reached down to stroke him. As his hips began to move more fervently, so did mine, thrusting gently into him, penetrating him deeper with each forward movement. Eagerly, I stroked him in time with my rhythm. I had never made love to another man and Ethan was incredibly tight. It took all of my concentration to keep my orgasm at bay. It seemed as if he had lost all measure of his careful control as his vocalizations became more pronounced and his head was thrown back, as I steadily pushed into him.

  “Oh, God…” he whimpered as his hands grasped my arms, almost as if he just needed something to hold on to. He moaned, a low guttural sound, primal, as his orgasm threatened to overtake him and I stroked him harder, desperate to get him there. “Fuck!” He cried, his grip tightening on my arms. “Fuck…Jayden…I love you,” he intoned as his orgasm shot through him and onto his stomach, his cock twitching and jerking in my hand as he came, his muscles tightening around me. His admission caught me so off guard that my control slipped and I immediately followed, my own orgasm ripping through me as I cried out, filling him.

  My head dropped to his shoulder and I wrapped my arms around his chest. I held him against me, feeling exposed and vulnerable. He clenched around me once, twice, spasmodically as his orgasm started to subside forcibly drawing my attention to our position. This wasn’t about domination or submission any longer, it was lovemaking and I couldn’t justify it to myself. I had just made love to another man. It called into question everything I ever knew about my own sexuality. If my attraction to him went beyond my submission, what did that mean about who I was and what kind of relationships I was looking for? I never considered, never even entertained, the notion that I could be gay. Had that changed?