In the Absence of Monsters

by Jp Barnaby

  “I know,” he sighed, running his fingers lightly over my stomach. “I have to be at the airport in a couple of hours, and I still have to shower and pack. It will have to wait until I get back, because I’m sure it’s going to be long and possibly stressful?”

  “When will you be back?” I asked him, stroking his cheek absently with my fingers, not looking at him.

  “Day after tomorrow, sometime late in the evening,” he said quietly, then pushed up onto one elbow and looked into my face. “But listen, Ethan, you don’t have to go back. You can stay here while I’m gone. I’m sure you can wear my clothes. You don’t ever have to go back…if you don’t want to.”

  “Gabriel, I—” I started but he stopped me. Damn it, I couldn’t let him get in any deeper before he knew exactly what he was getting in to.

  “Ethan, you don’t have to say anything now. Just take a few days and think about it. That house isn’t healthy for you. I don’t know the whole story, but that’s just my feeling.” He played with the edge of the sheet lying on my chest. If I didn’t know better, I’d think that he was absolutely fascinated by it, the texture, the color, the feel of it in his fingers. He was staring at it as if he were memorizing it.

  “I love you, Ethan,” he admitted and then looked up to meet my eyes. I could feel that he meant every word. “So, just think about things and we’ll talk when I get back, okay?” I pulled his face to mine and kissed him while the guilt threatened to strangle me. There was no way that I could give him what he wanted. I didn’t know how to love or how to be a boyfriend. Most of the time, I didn’t know how to be a functioning fucking person.

  “Yeah,” I said, still reeling from his sudden admission. He gave me one last soft kiss and then got up and walked to the closet, pulling out a small rolling suitcase and a garment bag. I picked up my phone and walked over to the door to get out of the room and figure out what the hell I was going to do. Not for the first time, I wished I could talk to Lexi.

  “Do you mind if I make us some coffee?” I asked.

  “That would be great,” he said and smiled, genuine and happy, which made the guilt writhe in my stomach even harder. I walked over to him and kissed him once more before going downstairs. It felt good being around someone who was so upbeat, it made me feel like maybe it could work out, maybe he would understand.

  In the kitchen, I found what I was looking for easily. Everything was in one cabinet above the machine –easy and straightforward. I imagined that’s how life with Gabriel would be if I accepted his offer. After pressing the button on the coffeemaker, I sat on one of the stools at the breakfast bar and flipped my phone open to find five voice mail messages. I checked the recent call list and saw that they were all from Jayden. Sighing, I dialed my voice mail.

  Message One – received 8:17 pm: Ethan? Ethan I am so sorry. Please come home so we can talk?

  Message Two – received 8:21 pm: Ethan, we’re all going to look for you. Please just call one of us to let us know you’re okay?

  Message Three – received 8:47 pm: Ethan, you’re my best friend. His voice cracked slightly as he continued. I didn’t mean to hurt you, I made a mistake. Please come home. We are so worried about you.

  Message Four – received 9:03 pm: Ethan, Connor just called and said your car is at Gabriel’s. I’m so glad that you’re safe and with someone that cares about you. I’ll call you tomorrow.

  Message Five – received 1:56 am: Ethan, (sigh) I was wrong. I was so wrong, and I am so sorry. After Lexi screamed at me for nearly an hour last night, I felt so…I never even…we had planned to put Lexi and Connor on the horses and let you work Lexi. But I saw that you were so…disconnected. I thought maybe it would better for you to work with Connor. You haven’t worked with Lexi since you admitted you were gay. I thought maybe you weren’t into it anymore. I thought you needed the release, and I get the best emotional release after a session that…well…that you take me in. I wanted to give that to you too. It freaked me out when you panicked like that. I thought I was doing the right thing for you. I was so wrong. I am so bad at this. I’m stepping down as a Dom, Ethan. Lexi is going to handle Connor until we can find someone else. I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry that I failed you. I hated Gabriel so much because I thought he was going to hurt you. In the end, he helped you, and I’m the one that hurt you. I…Ethan…please…

  Putting the phone down, I sighed when it immediately rang. Realizing it was Lexi’s cell phone, I let it go to voice mail and pulled a couple of mugs down to put them on a nearby bamboo tray with cream and sugar bowls. If I didn’t already know that Gabriel was gay, the fact that he had matching cream and sugar bowls would have solidified it. It occurred to me that I had no idea how Gabriel took his coffee. Of course, I knew how Jayden and Lexi took theirs, and I wondered momentarily if that was significant.

  The beep of my cell phone indicated that I had yet another voicemail. I dialed in and listened to what she had to say –

  Message Six – received 8:23 am: Ethan, I know what Jayden did was wrong and I’m not calling to defend him. He has been sitting in the corner of the playroom since the moment he knew you were safe. I don’t think he’ll move until he hears from you. He won’t eat, he won’t sleep. He’s just heartbroken. I just think that if you understood his logic, flawed as it was, maybe you can somehow forgive him. He thought that since he was able to make love to you, that you didn’t safe word with Claude, and that you bottomed for Gabriel – that you would be okay with it. You let Nicole take him that first time, so you showed him that it’s okay to let other people work with your subs. He figured since you were gay, you’d want to be with a guy and not me. I’m sorry that I didn’t look up in time to see what was happening. I would have tried to stop the scene. Jayden was distracted and didn’t hand me the buzzer, it was still in his hand. That is another sign to me that he should not be Dom’ing in the playroom right now. Please, just text him and come home when you’re ready. We love you, and we all need to talk.

  I poured the coffee into the two mugs that I had set out and put them on the tray. What Lexi said made sense; I had certainly made mistakes. The one that will always haunt me was that night with Jayden after Lexi left. I had never wanted to hurt Jayden; I just let my emotions overrule my judgment, and he had forgiven me for that night. Jayden sounded so lost, so contrite in his messages. He never once tried to defend his actions, only to explain them. I’m sure that once Lexi got through with him, he was horrified at what he had done. Picking up my phone, I sent Jayden a text.

  I’m okay. I’m going to stay at Gabriel’s for a few days. I just need to figure a few things out. Then, we’ll talk.

  I sat my phone down on the counter, not wanting to be tempted to answer it if he called to talk before I was ready. Balancing the tray, I went back upstairs to Gabriel’s bedroom. When I opened the door, I heard the shower running and set the tray on a nearby table. I stood there for long moment trying to decide what I wanted to do. Then I stripped off my sweats and walked into his bathroom. His had his back to me with his head under the spray when I opened the shower door. I was sure he heard the click of the door by the tiny jerk of his head, and even though he did not turn around to face me, I could make out the small smile forming on his lips, showing his pleasure that I had decided to join him. Stepping in behind him, I wrapped my arms around his body, absently stroking his stomach and chest with my fingers. They slid slowly over his wet skin and despite the warmth of the shower; he shivered and put his hands over mine.

  Leaning forward, I put my head on his shoulder and kissed his neck. Just over the noise of the water, I whispered, “Do you have a little time?” I bit his neck gently and he moaned, his hands tensing around mine. Releasing them, he turned in my arms, his slick body slid effortlessly against mine as he slung his arms around my shoulders. His stiffening cock touched mine as he moved to kiss my forehead.

  “I don’t want to—” he began, but I pressed my hips against his, feeling his erection pulse agains
t me. It was ingrained in me now, I suppose – to solve my problems with sex. I had learned a long time ago that sex was used to gain favor and approval. When you don’t open your mouth and close your eyes fast enough, you get slapped in the face. You learn to do it faster. Eventually, you learn to do it without being told – it becomes reflexive, instinctive. You know what you have to do in order to gain favor instead of inviting pain. I wanted his favor.

  “It feels to me like you do,” I said with a smirk and pulled him to me for a long, wet kiss. He gasped into my mouth as our bodies wrapped around each other. The water cascaded over us, and his moan was barely audible over the pulsing spray. My hands strayed down from his back and over his ass, where I squeezed it, pulling him tighter against me. Yeah, I’d love to just have him just bend over and put his hands on the tile. His cries as I fucked him would sound very nice in here.

  “I just meant that I don’t want to upset you,” he said and stroked my cheek. I felt like an ass, thinking about fucking him against the wall of the shower when he was being caring. That burning in my chest had returned; that warmth that I felt with him. I was starting to like it. Yeah, but it’s so much hotter with Jayden, it’s more like an inferno than a warmth. I sighed to myself, listening to my internal debate. It may be hotter with Jayden, but a fire like that eventually burns itself out. A strong, steady warmth could last for years.

  “Being with you,” I said, holding him against my wet skin “comforts me.” Without warning, his lips came crashing onto mine and I smiled into the kiss. As his hips ground against me, our cocks rubbed against each other, making the hottest slick friction. Pulling away slightly, I saw Gabriel pick up a bottle of body wash and put a small drop onto his palm. When our lips came together again, he reached between us, taking both of our hard cocks between his soapy hands. Pushing them together, he stroked them at the same time. As his hands rubbed them, they also rubbed against each other. I moaned into the kiss, it was a guttural sound, deep and almost desperate with need.

  I gently bucked my hips up into his hands as my cock slid against his with more pressure. He closed his eyes briefly, continuing to stroke us. Thinking back to the morning routine that I was happy about earlier, waking up in his arms and making coffee, I wondered if it would include the shower. I dropped my head to his shoulder and whimpered loudly, encouraging him, telling him how fucking good it felt when he touched me, how much I liked being close to him like that.

  Releasing our cocks with a low whine from me, he took the body wash again, and washed my shoulders and arms. My nipples hardened and I grasped his upper arms tightly as his fingers ghosted over my chest. Then he reached down and washed my legs and my hips. He soaped up his hands again, and slid my cock in and out of his slick hands. I gasped at the feeling, pumping my hips into them.

  “Yeah…” I groaned and felt his hands move to my hips as he turned me around. He placed my hands on the tiled wall in front of me and I felt him slowly lower to his knees behind me as he continued to stroke me while his other soapy hand slid over my ass and the backs of my legs. Gently his fingers moved up and down between my buttocks, letting me get used to him touching me. My moans reverberated off of the tile as his slick fingers penetrated me easily. He stopped, allowing me to become acclimated to the feeling until I bucked my hips, almost mindlessly fucking his hand. His touch was so very gentle as he massaged that sweet spot deep within me. All of a sudden, I felt empty as he stood quickly and grabbed the detachable showerhead, rinsing me all over. It felt a little odd to let him take charge like this, but I found that I liked it. He turned off the second spray and I started to turn around, but he stopped me and I felt his hands on me again, spreading me open. The spray from the showerhead rained down into my widened eyes as he pressed his lips against my sensitive skin, lightly biting. My breathing stopped and my fingers fruitlessly tried to find purchase on the slick tile. I panicked a little at the thought of him taking me here in the shower, even though I had just fantasized about doing the same to him. But, he was still on his knees, his face pressed against my ass.

  Then I felt…oh, God…he was…oh, fuck.

  My knees went weak as I realized that he was probing me gently with his tongue, something that I had never done. He traced slow circles around the edge of my entrance, holding me open with his hands. The sound, a muffled moan against my skin pushed my arousal even higher. The feeling was incredible, and I couldn’t censor the sounds that were coming from me. I tried again to grasp the tile before me, but instead I just lowered my head and allowed myself to enjoy his gentle touch as he stroked my balls, as he teased me with his tongue; I couldn’t stop myself from grabbing my cock and pumping hard.

  The next thing I knew, he was fucking me with one of his fingers and I was spraying the tile in front of me with semen. Panting and crying out, I tried not to fall to my fucking knees from the force of the orgasm. I pressed my forehead into the tile trying to calm myself when I felt him stand up behind me.

  “Does that feel better?” Gabriel asked with a small smirk, and I turned and crushed my lips to his, stopping just long enough to tell him that it was incredible before I was kissing my way down to his chest.

  “Ethan, you don’t have to—” he said, almost half-heartedly as my lips reached his stomach. He didn’t want me to feel obligated to return the affection that he had just shown me, but he was so turned on that he didn’t put up much of an argument. He wanted it, almost as much as I did.

  “I want to,” I said, as I pulled him forward. “God, do I want to,” I finished just before his raging erection passed between my parted lips. Letting out a slow moan, I could feel my lips vibrate against his skin as I began to suck him in hard strokes. His fingers went to my hair, and I heard my name escape from his lips while I soaped up my hands as he had and then put one of his legs over my shoulder. After I soaped up his balls, and that soft patch of skin just behind them, I slid two fingers into him. He tried to move his hips, but wasn’t able to with his leg over my shoulder. To make it easier for him, I bobbed my head in time with my fingers inside of him. I was a fucking whiz at giving head. Pulling back so that only the head was in my mouth, I sucked hard and ran the rough of my tongue thoroughly over it. He groaned, his fingers tightening in my hair as I opened my mouth wide and took in every inch of him. My lips pressed against the base of his cock, his head nudging the back of my throat. I sucked him deep and hard until the need to take a deeper breath forced me back to sucking and licking the head, all the while fucking him gently with my fingers.

  “Ethan, I’m close, baby, you need to move…” Gabriel cried as his whole body tightened. But knowing that the sexual part of my relationship with Lexi and Jayden was over, and that Gabriel would never put me at risk, I wrapped both my arms around his hips and sucked hard. His muscles tightened under my fingers, and I felt his semen erupt from the end of his cock into my mouth.

  We stayed in the shower, kissing and talking until the water ran cold. Back in his bedroom he showed me where his clothes were so that I could use them while I was there. I threw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and sat on the bed watching him finish up. For once in my life, I felt normal. I lay on the bed watching him pack; there were no expectations, no urgency – just a pending sense of loss. In my head I saw myself going to work at a hospital in Chicago, coming home to Gabriel every night. We would work effortlessly together in the kitchen; drink a glass of wine while things were cooking before relaxing in each other’s arms on the couch in front of a movie, or making love in front of the fire. After, I would fall asleep in his arms each night, and wake up in them again each morning. I was startled from my thoughts when Gabriel opened a box on his dresser and brought something over to me. He set the small set of keys into my hand.

  “These are my spare keys. Stay here for a couple of days and just think about where you want things to go. You can be alone here, without distractions. Okay?” he asked gently and I nodded. “Whatever you decide, we will still be friends – always.” I pulled h
im into a hug. There were so many things that I wanted to tell him. All of a sudden, I didn’t want him to go, but I knew that he had to. After I helped him put his bag in the Jeep, I kissed him deeply.

  “I’ll see you in a few days,” he said smiling, and pulled out of the drive. As I watched the Jeep disappear around the corner, I felt a sense of loss. I went back into Gabriel’s house, what could be ‘our’ house if I just said yes, and I knew I had some serious thinking to do. I picked up my phone off the counter and sent a text to Lexi and Jayden, letting them know that I would be there the next night. I vaguely noticed that I didn’t use the word ‘home’. Walking back through the house, I felt a bit stupid exploring when Gabriel wasn’t here. There were his things, not mine. That set off the thought that I didn’t really know him as well as I should. I didn’t feel comfortable there without him, and it saddened me.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  I went into the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of wine. Finding some fruit in a nearby bowl, I made a pitcher of sangria. Drinking was probably not in my best interest, but the choices I had to face were just too much; the situation with Jayden, and Gabriel’s admission and invitation. I needed to take things one step at a time, and at that point alcohol seemed like a logical first step. Grabbing a glass, I carried it all out onto the deck and set it on one of the tables. Standing next to the pool, I drank my first glass quickly and then stripped out of my clothes. The huge privacy fence surrounding the yard made me comfortable about being naked in his pool. After refilling my empty glass, I lowered myself carefully into the shallow end, priding myself on not spilling a drop.