Bonfires

by Amy Lane

  “It’s being gay,” Isaiah said, nodding.

  “It’s not fair. It’s not right. It’s not logical, but people are—”

  “Dumb, panicky animals and you know it,” Kellan quoted.

  “Tommy Lee Jones said it best,” Larx agreed. “It’s my job to keep them from bolting and trampling the innocent bystanders. That’s what I’ll be doing tomorrow night.”

  “You can’t do that if you scream ‘I’m the boogeyman,’ can you?” Isaiah said, his breath fading so that boogeyman was barely a word.

  “No,” Larx told him. “I wish I could. If I could make this… this… fucking idiocy go away by ripping off my shirt and revealing the big rainbow G on my chest, I’d be first in line. I tried that once. It wasn’t the way to go.”

  The boys nodded like they understood—but Larx didn’t. He kept thinking about seven years of living like his sexuality was an old drug dependency, something that had hurt his girls, something that he couldn’t let touch them again.

  Would the town—the board—be any more accepting of kids like Isaiah and Kellan if Larx had just worn his rainbow sweater and told the world to fucking deal?

  “NO,” YOSHI said later, as they were roasting hot dogs on sticks. Yoshi’s damned soy dogs kept falling off into the fire, and he was very gingerly trying to keep the last dog in the pack on the two prongs with a third stick to help it.

  An evil, evil part of Larx hoped the dog would fall in, fry, and leave Yoshi to face the privation of all-beef hot dogs dripping grease the way God intended.

  “No?” Larx asked curiously. “You don’t think I should have just been out and proud and—”

  “They would have taken away your children,” Yoshi said brutally. “Seven years ago? This town? You would have gotten laid once or twice, someone would have talked, and it would be the first hearing all over again.”

  Larx started to shiver all over. “For Christ’s sake, Yoshi. Do you even—?” He’d told Yoshi about how bad it had gotten for his kids—Olivia’s hair, head lice, no food for days, no baths. Would that really have happened again?

  “That’s what I’m saying. It’s getting better now, and maybe this is the time to come out. But not seven years ago. Not for your family. Don’t second-guess yourself, Larx. You did what you had to in order to protect your children, and nobody’s going to hold that against you.”

  Larx looked up at the kids, all of them grouped on the other side of the fire, showing Nancy how to keep the dogs near the embers so they could cook slow and not just burn on the outside. Kirby fit in so well here. Larx knew the kid was probably dying to sleep in his own room, in his own bed, but right now the chaos of the three of them—Christi’s sarcasm, Kellan’s quiet humor, Kirby’s stoic goodwill…. He could look at them with some joy. These young people made him happy.

  “I need to protect these children too,” he said. “Kellan—nobody protected him growing up.”

  Yoshi grunted. You knew—when a kid was being yelled at too much, flinched too much in school, you knew. But if it wasn’t bruises, the county couldn’t do squat. “We tried,” he said. “You’ve made school a safe place for him. It was the best you could do.”

  “We need to make it stick,” Larx said with some conviction.

  “We do. Which means you need to not be poster child for gay. You can’t fall on your sword and die here, Larx. It’s not going to help. You need to be the guy leading the troops. I’d lead the troops, but nobody follows me. Ever. I could have the last rowboat on the Titanic and people would be like, ‘No! You are a strange Asian man, and I’d rather take my chances in the water!’ But you they’d follow.”

  Larx nodded soberly. “They would too follow you.”

  “They would pitch me out of the fucking boat,” Yoshi said with some conviction. “The only reason the kids follow me is that I bribe them with stickers. You heard me—stickers. They’re almost grown-ups, and their future hangs on stupid sticker sheets with Hello fucking Kitty. No. I’m the soldier that needs to fall on the sword.”

  “Hello Kitty? Really?” Larx grinned at him. “I would have thought Young Justice at the very least.”

  “Don’t fuck with me and my show, Larx. I’m serious here. You be calm and talk everybody to death. It’s what you were born for.”

  Nancy had edged over into their conversation. “Don’t fight it, Larx,” she said, laughing softly. “You’re our fearless leader and you know it.”

  “I hate you both. Edna’s coming, right? And Mara?” They were the union reps, and since their contracts didn’t include any protection if a teacher voiced an opinion counter to the district’s, having your site union rep in the audience could be very helpful.

  “They’ll be there early, like us. We should have about thirty, forty people there early enough for the big room, Larx. Don’t worry—half the room will be hostile idiots, but the other half will be teachers on our side. And I’ll make sure everybody knows that almost every teacher in the district is in the overflow room.”

  Larx shifted uncomfortably. “Uh, Nancy? How many teachers are going to be hostile idiots?”

  Nancy stopped short. “I… you know? I hadn’t even thought of that.”

  “There’s no rule that says you can’t teach in California if you think the spectrum is an abomination,” Larx said, remembering the administrators who had thrown him under the bus. “Maybe we should….”

  Nancy nodded. “Yeah. You know what? I’ll coordinate with the principals at the other schools, just so we have an idea. If there’s a religious fundamentalist who’s going to speak out, we can at least know who they are.”

  Larx pulled his own hot dog out of the fire and used the bun in his hand to capture it so he didn’t burn his fingers.

  “Fucking groovy,” he muttered. He gazed at the bonfire moodily, shifting on restless feet. They’d held off the bonfire until five, but Aaron hadn’t been able to get back in time—something about finding evidence that could break the case and promising details later. The mystery reader in Larx wanted to concentrate on the new evidence, the clues, the finding the murderer in Colton.

  The grown-up in him knew he had to actually deal with the job he had as opposed to the one he’d always sort of fancied until he remembered that he hated authority and never wanted to touch a gun ever.

  “Here, I’m going to go get ketchup,” he muttered to Yoshi and Nancy, then left them to plot the Battle of Colton Gay High—which is what he’d been calling it to Yoshi, just to watch him sputter.

  He walked around the blaze to the little table that held all the ingredients of dinner and dessert and prepped his dog, then added a paper bowl of some of the potato soup Kirby had spent the afternoon making. He claimed it was a family recipe, but Larx had watched the kid work, and there had been more magic than recipe there. Larx fully approved, and he balanced the bowl on top of the plate, getting ready to juggle his way back to either the kids or the grown-ups.

  He paused, though, gazing at the fire.

  Such a simple thing, the clearing away of the old stuff, the burning to make way for the new. Comfort and danger all wrapped up in one big, glowing, hypnotic ball. Larx stared into the flames against the darkness, letting the comfort seep in, suddenly keenly aware he hadn’t had enough sleep in days.

  He opened his mouth and yawned, almost losing his precariously balanced dinner in the process.

  “Here,” Aaron said over his shoulder, rescuing the soup and stabilizing the hot dog. “I’ll eat the soup, you eat the hot dog, and then you can eat soup, and I can roast my own.”

  He stood right over Larx’s shoulder, and Larx leaned back into him, comforted and warmed. “Deal. You’re late, Deputy—it’s nearly seven.”

  Aaron yawned. “I know it. Sorry—I stopped at my house to feed the chickens and collect the eggs.”

  Larx felt bad. “You should probably stay at your house tomorrow night,” he said. “Take care of business and shit.”

  Aaron whined softly, leaning his temple ag
ainst Larx’s. “But I want to debrief after the big meeting!”

  Larx sighed. “Adulting is hard. Sorry, Deputy. Them’s the breaks.”

  “I’ll drive you to the meeting,” Aaron said firmly. “That way we can debrief, and we might even get to make out in the car afterward. That’ll be something.”

  “I’m going from work so I can get there early,” Larx said, laughing.

  “Goddammit!” Aaron snapped, his optimism apparently fading. Then: “No—wait. You and the kids take one car tomorrow, they can come home, and you and I can take the SUV to the meeting. See? I will get my Larx time, I will!”

  Larx loved him so much in that moment, he almost didn’t have any more banter left in his swollen, achy chest.

  Almost.

  “That’s excellent. I live for being tongued and groped in a car in front of my own home. Someday I might even get knocked up and married, Pa!”

  Aaron laughed—and then smacked him on the back of the head. “Brat.”

  “You only say that because I—”

  Aaron put his free hand over Larx’s mouth. “Don’t say it,” he ordered, and Larx grinned behind the warmth of his hand. And then stuck out his tongue and licked the palm.

  Aaron’s body sort of melted in an effort to get closer to him, and Larx licked again. Aaron moved his hand and replaced it with his lips, and for a brief moment, Larx got to kiss the man he loved in front of a crackling bonfire, content and steady to the core of his soul.

  “Oh, would you two knock that crap off!” Yoshi complained. “You’re making me sick!”

  “Sorry, Yoshi,” Larx said dutifully. Aaron jerked backward, obviously remembering they had an audience.

  “Sorry, Mr. Nakamoto,” Aaron said, looking somewhat abashed.

  Yoshi chortled. “Oh my God, Larx! He’s adorable! He’s still treating us like teachers!”

  “Oh! Quick! Do my name!” Nancy said excitedly. “Call me Mrs. Pavelle. I’ll tell my husband—it’ll make his day!”

  Aaron laughed wickedly. “Sure, but then you both have to swear for me. C’mon, Larx says the staff room sounds like fishwives and truckers—I’m dying here, someone drop the F-bomb!”

  The kids were paying attention by now, and that set them off laughing uproariously, and suddenly Yoshi and Nancy weren’t so smug. The laughter died down eventually, and so did the fire. The kids broke out the s’mores, and Larx ate one and wondered when his heart would stop thundering from the damned sugar rush. Apparently the kids all crashed at the same time, because they all went inside to shower for school the next day while the adults stayed out to worry.

  Yoshi and Nancy talked about all the things they were worried about, and Aaron listened to every word, all of the things Larx hadn’t been telling him because Larx hadn’t wanted to burden the guy charged with finding the real culprit and not the scapegoat the district was trying to create.

  Larx listened and didn’t add much, feeling strangely detached from the drama. He’d stressed all day—for the last two days, really. His body, short on sleep, high on anxiety, simply shut down, leaving a calm, empty space inside him where he sat cross-legged, watched the action, and refused to speculate.

  While they were talking—and Aaron was throwing in some valid observations about the members of the board that Larx wouldn’t have thought of himself—Larx started gathering buckets of water to surround the fire pit with, now that it was down to embers.

  He wanted the ash and the debris cleared out. He wanted the fire pit scraped clean and the cold ashes buried in his garden, to make the growing good again. All of this… detritus the world carried, from old hatreds and prejudices, he wanted it burned away and gone, and a long, quiet, cold period to recover from the horrible things people could do to each other.

  He wanted the seeds of what he and Aaron had planted in the last few weeks to grow in the dark and fertile soil of their rich and varied pasts.

  But he couldn’t do that while everybody was talking about the board meeting.

  Finally, they’d exhausted themselves and the fire was so low that they were all shivering in the chill of autumn. It was October now, and next month there would be snow.

  “Are we ready?” he asked, once everybody was anchored around the pit with their water buckets. “Remember, the wind is heading that way.” He pointed northeast, and Aaron made a point to get out of the way of the smoke currently drifting in that direction. “So try to make sure we keep the fire from jumping that way with too much water force, ’kay?”

  “Can we do this and go home? I’m freezing my ass off!” Yoshi complained.

  “Can we do this and go home?” Nancy echoed. “If he goes home and bitches, Tane bitches at me.”

  “God, you guys—so selfish,” Larx chided. “I thought we were all about the greater good!”

  “The greater good is tomorrow,” Nancy said soberly. “I could see you processing it all, Larx. Don’t worry. Keep your head and don’t lose your temper. All we can do is tell them the truth as we know it, and hope they’re smart enough to listen.”

  “I hate depending on other people’s common sense,” Larx muttered, feeling that truth deep in his bones. “But okay. C’mon, guys. One, two, three—”

  They poured water into the fire pit, stepping back when it steamed, and again and some more, until the embers were all sodden. All that remained was the coldness of the stars, spread out over their heads like a giant cookie, cut into shape by the shadows of the trees.

  AARON SHOWERED first while Larx checked on the kids. He spent a moment with each kid before he locked up and went upstairs.

  “So,” he asked seriously, “you doing okay with two brothers you didn’t know you had?”

  Christi thought about it, scratching Trigger’s head by habit. “I like it this way,” she said seriously. “I’ll be sad to see Kirby go home tomorrow. He says he has to—laundry, chickens, keeping the dust away—but, you know.” She shrugged. “You and me by ourselves was nice, Dad, but this is a big family again. I like it.”

  Larx kissed the top of her head and gave Trigger a pet too. “That’s because you have a generous soul,” he said seriously. “And yeah. You know—you’ve got one more year of high school after this one, but maybe Kirby and Kellan will be around for a lot of that. I like that too.” He laughed a little, feeling silly. “I like that I’m looking after ‘kids.’ Maybe it’s all the years in the classroom, but I’m more comfy when there’s more than one.”

  She laughed too, and he shut off her light and closed the door.

  Kellan was worried about Isaiah—and about going back to school. Larx reassured him that Christi and Kirby were in most of his classes, and that Isaiah’s parents had been saying good things—not only to Kellan, but about Kellan. A small piece in the local paper had come out on Sunday. In a phone interview, Lizzie and Pete Campbell had said they were relieved their son appeared on the mend, and glad he was seeing such a nice boy. There had been no shock about the boys coming out, no surprise at Kellan’s presence in their lives—the piece had, in fact, been reassuring. The paper was treating this like what it was: a crime against a boy, not a crime because of his sexuality.

  The approach had settled Kellan as well, as did Trixie, who had chosen Kellan as her designated human by curling up on his pillow. Larx bid him good night, and just as he was closing the door, Kellan spoke up.

  “Larx?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Uh… you said I could stay as long as I wanted. Uh… if Isaiah and I don’t go to college next year, because, you know, recovery and stuff… does that include—”

  The extra year this boy needed to learn how to grow up and feel safe? “Course. Meant what I said, Kellan. As long as you need.”

  “Thanks, Larx.”

  Two down, and Kirby to go.

  Larx was all set with the speech—he had it planned out in his head. So, sorry about the insta-family, bet you’ll be happy to spend a couple of nights in your own room, right?

  But when
he opened the door, Kirby turned to him with a smile.

  “I like this room—Olivia’s, right?”

  “Yeah. She didn’t do girlie.” She’d done country blue, navy blue, rose, and maroon. Was almost gender neutral, right down to the curtains.

  “It’s not a bad room. She’ll probably want it back when she comes for Christmas, right?”

  Larx smiled. “She and Christi will probably spend the whole time in Christi’s room gossiping. Why do you ask?”

  Kirby rolled over on the bed, lying across it with his sweat-socked feet dangling off the end. He was wearing basic boy’s sweats and sitting nose-to-nose with the torti kitty, and he made Larx wish for a son all over again.

  “This weekend—I mean, I don’t want to say it was fun, because what happened to Isaiah was awful. But… having people in the house? I like that.”

  Larx had to laugh. “Christi said almost the same thing.”

  Kirby grinned. “I bet I could build a chicken coop next weekend. Kellan could help me.”

  Larx looked at him drolly. “Wherever would we get chickens?”

  “I know a place,” Kirby said, nodding, and Larx had to laugh.

  “Kirby, I love having you. The big family thing—can’t say it’s not a turn-on for me. But you and your dad need to talk, and so do your sisters. It’s not just my call.”

  Kirby looked suddenly sober. “Okay. I get that. But… but when you two are all in? Remember that we like each other. And it’s lonely in the house by myself.”

  Larx’s chest swelled a little. “Kirby, you are welcome here anytime. If your dad and I don’t work out, you are still welcome here to eat or hang out while he’s working. I know he’d agree.”

  Kirby grinned. “You guys’ll work out. I mean, like you said. Ten years, and he hasn’t been serious enough about anyone to even introduce me? You guys made out in front of us tonight. I’m thinking it’s a lock.”

  Larx laughed a little and bid him good night, because that was a good thought to go out on.