3d6 (Caverns and Creatures)

by Robert Bevan

  Felix looked like he was torn between his desire to be the gracious host Julian had just diplomatically challenged him to continue being and his desire to throw every single one of them through the window.

  He regained his composure. “At least have some breakfast before you go. Gilda and Alonzo have been up all morning preparing eggs and potatoes.”

  “Oh fuck!” said Cooper. All eyes in the room turned to him. “Where the hell did you get eggs?”

  Felix looked at the mat stuck to the wall, then back at Cooper. He answered tentatively. “From the chicken coop?”

  “Whew,” said Cooper. “Good thinking.” He sniffed the air, presumably picking up a scent other than his own, and followed it out the door.

  “Eggs,” said Dave as he waddled out after Cooper.

  Tim and Julian looked at each other, then at the mat on the wall.

  “Should we…” said Julian. “Do you have a sponge, or –”

  “I’ll take care of it,” said Felix, the usual gaiety absent from his voice. “Please, just go.”

  “Well there you are!” said Gilda as Tim and Julian walked into the kitchen. “I thought you boys would never wake up.”

  The table wasn’t big enough to accommodate quite so many guests, and there were only two chairs. There were, however, more than enough dishes, all of which appeared to have been crafted from the same tree trunk. Seven such dishes were crowded together on the small table, each containing a generous helping of scrambled eggs, specked with chopped onions, green peppers, and chunks of potato.

  Alonzo was adorning each dish with a sprig of parsley when Felix grabbed one and dumped its contents into one of the previous night’s unwashed coconut cups.

  “Felix!” cried Alonzo. “Have you lost your senses?”

  Felix grabbed a second dish and a second dirty coconut cup. In his haste, he spilled more egg on the floor than he got in the cup. “It’s a beautiful day. I thought it might be nice to dine outdoors.”

  The peacock feathers of Alonzo’s robe were trembling. “Stop that right now, Felix!”

  Felix slammed the cup and dish on the table and glared at his partner. “May I speak to you alone? In the other room?”

  Alonzo put on his best fake calm face and turned to the rest of them. “Pardon us for just one moment.” He followed Felix out of the kitchen.

  Julian frowned. “Maybe we should just cut our losses and –”

  “Sweet father of the gods!” Alonzo cried from the next room. He began to sob. “We’ll have to burn the whole house down and rebuild.”

  “Now now,” said Felix. “Maybe it’s not as bad as all that. Let’s just leave the windows open for a couple of days and see how –”

  Alonzo stopped crying. “We can tie them up and burn it down with them inside!”

  A night’s worth of Cooper’s hotboxed anal emissions was enough to break the spirit of even the most gracious host.

  “Still your tongue, Alonzo. You’re a better man than that. Let’s just send them on their way and hope the dinosaurs eat them.”

  Before anyone could react beyond exchanging uncomfortable glances, Felix and Alonzo returned to the kitchen.

  Alonzo’s face was streaked with tears, but he wore a tremendously fake smile. “Who wants to go on a picnic!”

  Tim didn’t know how to respond. Their hosts hadn’t even bothered to whisper their intentions to passively murder them, but he’d already determined that they’d be leaving anyway.

  It didn’t matter. Alonzo wasn’t waiting for a response. He shoved the two egg-filled coconut cups into Dave and Julian’s hands and immediately started scooping egg from dishes to cups with his own hands.

  “We need a favor,” said Tim.

  Alonzo stopped scooping and glared down at him. “You need a favor?”

  “Come on, Tim,” said Julian. “I think we’re pushing the limits of –”

  Tim kept his eyes locked with Alonzo’s. “We want to meet Terrence.”

  Alonzo’s glare softened, but his eyes stayed with Tim’s. “You want to meet Terrence?”

  “Who the fuck is Terrence?” asked Cooper.

  Tim held Alonzo’s gaze. “Put a cork in it, Cooper.”

  Cooper responded with a small, squealing fart.

  “Make that two corks.”

  The fart didn’t stop. It just grew louder and higher in pitch, like a slowly deflating balloon being pinched at the opening.

  Tim continued to stare down Alonzo. “Escort us to Terrence, and we’ll be out of your lives forever.”

  Alonzo’s eyes watered. His porn-stache twitched. All the while, Cooper’s fart continued to squeal out, meandering through the room like an invisible serpent.

  Finally, Alonzo blinked and turned his head away. “Very well, halfling! We shall see you and your friends safely to the north beach. There you will find Terrence, though I know not what you hope to accomplish. Perhaps your friend’s flatulence can move him as we could not.”

  Dave stared down into his cup of egg. “Do you guys have, like… um… a spoon or something?”

  Alonzo turned to Dave with what now looked less like a fake grin and more like a genuine, feral teeth-baring.

  “It’s cool, man,” said Dave. “I’ll use my fingers.”

  Alonzo faced Tim again. “We leave at once!”

  *

  As they traveled clockwise around the circumference of the island, Tim filled in the rest of the group with what little he knew of Terrence. The tyrannosaurus, as Alonzo had described it the night before, was a peculiar beast, and Tim hypothesized that such peculiarities may have a connection, or at least reveal clues, to the whereabouts of the portal.

  While no one seemed particularly impressed with his hypothesis, none of them had any better ideas, and most of them were at least mildly curious to check out Terrence, and maybe taunt him with thrown coconuts or something.

  Even Felix and Alonzo’s mood lightened as the fresh sea air diluted the fart in their lungs. While the rest of the party cowered by the water’s edge, eyes and weapons fixed on the jungle, Felix and Alonzo walked confidently, weapons undrawn, on the hot, dry sand. Only Ravenus, flying ahead to tear scraps off of some disease-ridden dead fish, seemed to be as carefree as those two.

  Tim nudged Julian and whispered, “Go talk to them. See if you can get them to hate us a little less, just in case.”

  “Why aren’t you guys scared?” asked Julian, braving his way to walk alongside Felix and Alonzo. “I mean, I see you’re tough, and you’ve obviously survived this long… But come on, man. Dinosaurs.”

  Way to go, Julian. Compliment their bravery, and back it up with evidence that you’re not just blowing smoke up their shiny bronze asses.

  Felix spared a glance at Julian like he was doing him a favor. “The predators on this island are opportunists. There are far too many of us for them to risk attacking. But to more directly answer your question, we know fear the same as any man. Learning to mask that fear is an essential part of survival.”

  “Like a Bluff check?”

  “I beg your pardon?”

  “I’m sorry. Go on.”

  “If a dinosaur senses that you’re afraid, she’ll know it’s safe to attack you. If she doesn’t smell the fear on you, her tiny brain is wise enough to wonder why.”

  “They smell fear?”

  “Worry not, young elf,” said Alonzo, as if Julian was an embarrassment to his race. “However strong your fears may be, their scents are surely overpowered by your half-orc friend.”

  “Hey asshole,” said Cooper. “I can still hear you, you know.”

  Tim turned his crossbow from the jungle to Cooper’s loincloth. “If you say another goddamn word, I’ll shoot your dick off.”

  “And I can still smell you!” Alonzo turned around, fists balled and trembling. His mustache twitched. He sniffed the left shoulder of his peacock feather robe. “It’s all over me!”

  “Alonzo, please.” Felix tried to put his hand on Alonzo’s
shoulder.

  Alonzo shrugged him off and stomped ahead along the beach. “I’m sorry, Felix. I just can’t wear it anymore!” The robe fell off of his back, a pile of blue feathers on the white sand, revealing a previously hidden accessory on his outfit. Where the sides of the tiger face wrapped around his back and met, a tiger tail ran along his crack, hanging nearly as far down as the tongue on the other side.

  Cooper snorted out laughter and snot. Tim just gawked, mesmerized and unable to look away.

  Alonzo twirled around, his tiger tongue and tail flying outward and upward. Tim was startled at having been caught staring, and accidentally squeezed the trigger of his crossbow.

  Click.

  Twang.

  “YEEEAAAAAOOOOOWWW!”

  “Huh?” Tim was overloaded with sensory input.

  “Son of a bitch!” said Cooper, both hands over his crotch. “You shot my fucking dick off!”

  “Shit, man! I’m –” Tim reconsidered, thinking he might be able to score some points. He spoke sternly at Cooper. “I warned you, didn’t I?” He glanced up at Alonzo and thought he might have caught a flicker of a smile before his eyes were inevitably drawn down to the tiger crotch.

  Tearing his gaze away, he turned to Dave, who appeared curiously unmoved by both Cooper’s howl of pain and Alonzo’s dangling accessories.

  “Hey! Dave!”

  Dave’s eyes focused on Tim. “Yeah?”

  “I just shot Cooper in the dick.”

  “Far out.”

  Not quite the response Tim was aiming for. What the hell was going on with Dave?

  “Well do you think you could… Hold on. Did you pray for your spells this morning?”

  Dave laughed. “I’m an atheist.”

  “Dude! Are you still fucking high?”

  Dave put his hand on top of his head, moved it forward at the same height, then brought it down to Tim’s head. “Higher than you, man.”

  Tim slapped Dave’s hand off of his head. “No shit, dude. You’re higher than the goddamn Chrysler building.”

  “What’s a Chrysler building?” asked Gilda.

  Tim looked up the beach at Felix and Alonzo. “I’m sorry guys. Do you have any more of that nut butter on you?”

  “What?” said Cooper. “No, really. It’s not that bad.” He groaned as he reached under his loincloth to remove the bolt. “It’s… just a…” He dropped to his knees, wincing and groaning at a pitch only dogs should have been able to hear. “… superficial… wound.” He exhaled and victoriously lifted his blood-soaked hand, holding the bolt. “See?” He panted a few times. “Good as new.”

  “You waste our time with your childish antics,” said Alonzo, apparently still bitter about his fart-infused robe. “My rod shan’t polish itself.”

  Tim and Julian shared a brief glance, but inappropriate laughter, it seemed, was easier to avoid when you’ve just watched a man mutilate his own genitals.

  “Just ahead of us,” said Felix. “Under that cliff, is where you can find Terrence. Our obligation fulfilled, we wish you good day.”

  Tim looked ahead. The land rose gradually. In the distance, it appeared as if a chunk of the island had collapsed into the sea, leaving a rockier stretch of beach and a sheer cliff face. The way the beach curved around, however, obscured the part where Terrence must have been keeping his strange vigil. Not being able to see the dinosaur made him even more nervous.

  “You’re not even a little curious about what we might discover?”

  Felix looked down his nose at him. “We have wasted too many hours trying to coax Terrence into turning his back so that we might penetrate his hole.”

  “Um…” said Cooper. “Are we all talking about the same thing?”

  “We have tried everything there is to try regarding Terrence, short of letting him eat us. I have no doubt in my mind that your band of buffoons will find a way to kill yourselves without our further assistance.”

  Tim wasn’t sure why he wanted these two to stay so badly, except that he was shit scared of facing another T-rex without them.

  Julian either felt the same way Tim did, or was picking up on his panic. “Well wouldn’t you want to at least see that?”

  Felix looked at Alonzo, who nodded enthusiastically. “Very well.”

  Cooper rose shakily to his feet, leaving behind a brown and red stew on the formerly pristine white sand. “Let’s get this over with. I’m feeling a little lightheaded.”

  “As you should,” said Alonzo. “It appears you left the contents of your head on the beach.”

  Felix raised his eyebrows. “Alonzo!”

  Alonzo grinned sheepishly, pleased with himself for what was evidently an uncharacteristic zinger.

  Felix clawed at the air. “MeeYOW!”

  “So…” said Tim. “Terrence?”

  Felix rolled his eyes. “Come on.”

  As they moved further up the beach, it became clear that, if Terrence really existed and really stood in the same place all the time, they weren’t going to see him until they were nearly right on top of him. Tim started to have second thoughts.

  “Is no one else in the least bit concerned that there’s allegedly a tyrannosaurus just on the other side of those rocks?”

  Julian shrugged. “I was apprehensive about it when we were a little further back on the beach, but not so much now.”

  “And why is that?”

  “Because there are only three ways this can play out,” Julian explained. “Either Terrence doesn’t exist, in which case he presents no danger.”

  Felix shook his head and laughed to himself.

  Julian continued. “Or he exists just as these gentlemen described him, in which case he doesn’t pose a threat as long as we don’t get too close.”

  “Option C is what concerns me,” said Tim.

  Julian nodded. “He exists, but is not as stationary as was stated.”

  “That’s the one.”

  “Yes,” said Julian. “Well if that’s the case, then we’re just plain…”

  “Fucked?” suggested Cooper.

  “Thank you, Cooper,” said Julian. “Precisely the word I was looking for. We passed the point at which we could still hope to have time to flee into the jungle a while back, so there’s not much point in worrying about it now.”

  Tim was surprised to find himself actually a little comforted by that appeal to logic.

  Felix stopped, turned around, and addressed the group. “Gentlemen, lady.” He nodded politely to Gilda. “I present to you, Terrence.” He looked to his left.

  Cooper walked up to Felix and looked to the side. “Holy fucknuggets!”

  Dave waddled ahead, barely aware of his own existence. He glanced up in Terrence’s direction. “Sweet.”

  “I’m afraid,” said Gilda, grasping hold of Alonzo’s hand, to Tim’s inexplicable annoyance.

  Alonzo smiled down at her. “You needn’t worry, my dear. Terrence shan’t harm you if you keep your distance.”

  Tim stomped ahead of them and looked up, and then up some more. As advertised, a huge tyrannosaurus stood motionless in front of the cliff face. It was at least fifty percent bigger than the one that had chased them the day before.

  “Hey!” shouted Cooper. “Shithead! Down here!”

  Tim’s heart pounded. He gave Cooper a look like he was going to shoot him in the junk again. “Knock it off!”

  “Calm yourself, halfling,” said Felix. “Even your friend’s abject stupidity is no match for this great beast’s stubborn unwillingness to move.”

  Tim peered between the dinosaur’s legs at a fracture at the base of the cliff. There was a gap wide enough to walk through, though the crumbly nature of the terrain made that ill-advised. Squinting harder, trying to ignore the giant carnivorous lizard looming over him, he thought he could see a faint blue glow from deep within the gap.

  “Is there a light coming from in there?”

  Felix hunkered down next to Tim. “Where?”

  “R
ight there, inside the cave,” said Tim. “You can only just barely make it out.”

  Felix squinted. “I don’t think so. Maybe. It’s too difficult to tell from here.”

  “The portal’s got to be in that cave!” said Tim. “Don’t you see? That’s our ticket out of this hellhole. And Terrence here is a test.”

  “A test?”

  “Yeah. He was put here to guard the portal. If we solve the puzzle, he’ll move.”

  “Puzzle?”

  “Sure!” said Tim. “I’ll bet you anything that old Boswell put him here with some kind of spell.”

  “Let me Detect Magic on him,” said Julian. His eyes glowed white as he looked up at the dinosaur. “Yeah, he’s magical all right.”

  “Let’s just kill it,” said Cooper.

  Tim rolled his eyes and laughed. “I don’t really think the puzzle is going to be that easy to solve.”

  “Fuck the puzzle. I’ve got a hole in my sack, and I’d like to get back home and get that sorted out. We know magical creatures can be killed. Julian’s killed enough magical horses to fill hell’s stables ten times over.”

  “Just let me think about it for a moment, and if we can’t come up with –”

  “Eat a dick, Terrence!” Cooper shouted, and a chunk of rock about the size of his head flew forward, striking the dinosaur on the right leg. It bounced off of its skin and landed on the ground next to it. Terrence didn’t even seem to notice.

  “Well that’s odd,” said Tim. He loaded his crossbow and fired a bolt right into Terrence’s undefended belly. It bounced off and landed in front of him. “He must have a hell of a flat-footed Armor Class.”

  “What’s an Armor Class?” Gilda asked Alonzo. Alonzo shrugged.

  “Ravenus!” said Tim. “Julian, where’s Ravenus?”

  “I left him back at that bloated whale corpse we passed half an hour ago.”

  “Get him over here. He got rid of the last T-rex. Maybe he can get rid of this one.”

  “I don’t know,” said Julian. “This isn’t a regular dinosaur. I don’t want to subject Ravenus to any unnecessary risk before we know more about what this thing is.”

  “There’s no risk,” said Tim. “We’re just experimenting. Have him do a couple of fly-by’s and we’ll see what happens.”