Total Control

by Pamela Britton

  “I’m saying you’re a puzzle, Indi. That there are layers to you that I don’t know, even with all we’ve been through. Layers that you’ve kept hidden from me. I’m saying you need to throw it all out there if you want us to work.”

  “It is all out there, Todd.”

  “Is it?”

  She looked away.

  From the corner of her eye, she saw him check his watch. “You’re leaving in a couple of hours. You should probably get going.”

  Indi felt everything freeze up inside her. She wanted to say things, personal things that she knew she should share with him.

  Suddenly, she was petrified.

  “Maybe I should,” she said softly.

  He stuffed his hands in his pocket. “Goodbye, Indi.”

  “I’ll call you when I get back to California.”

  “Will you?”

  She nodded, even as her stomach tightened further. “Sure.”

  He held her gaze a moment longer, turned away, only to spin back to face her again. “Before I go, you should know Benjamin’s been accepted into a clinical trial for a new type of drug.”

  “What kind of drug?”

  “It’s a new generation that targets cancer on multiple molecular levels. Benjamin’s already been treated with a similar type of medication, but he developed a resistance. That’s what makes him so ideal for this new type of drug. It tries to fix the cancer in the same way, only most people won’t develop a resistance to it. He’ll begin taking it this week.”

  “Wha—” She didn’t know what to say. “Why am I only hearing about this now?”

  “Because I didn’t want to tell you,” he said. “I didn’t want to hear how Benjamin would be a long shot for this trial, how the drug might not work. I didn’t want to hear you try to be ‘realistic.’”

  “I see.”

  “We’re flying him back to California on Tuesday, health permitting.”

  “I’ll be sure to drop in on him.”

  “You do that,” he said.

  And Indi could tell he wanted to say more. She watched his fingers flex, watched the muscles on his biceps twitch.

  “Take care, Indi.”

  “You, too, Todd.”

  And then he turned and walked away.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  “SO YOU JUST let him go?”

  Maggie stared across at Indi sympathetically, Indi pretending an interest in her computer monitor. “It was obvious he was trying to break up with me.”

  It was Monday morning, and the office was quiet. Outside, rain fell, the swish-swish-swish of traffic a steady rhythm that made Indi drowsy. Or maybe she felt tired because she hadn’t slept all night.

  She kept going over and over her conversation with Todd.

  “So that’s it then?” Maggie said. “You go your way and he goes his?”

  “I guess so,” Indi said, clicking on a window on her desktop even though she had no idea why she’d opened that particular file. “Although I told him I’d call.”

  “And will you?”

  “Maggie,” Indi said, risking a glance at her friend. “It’s not like we were boyfriend and girlfriend. More like…two ships passing in the night.” And that, perhaps, was not the best analogy given what they’d done on one particular ship, or rather boat.

  “Weren’t you?”

  She’d opened about ten files, Indi suddenly realized. She pushed away from her desk. Maggie didn’t know about what had happened out on the lake. Nobody knew that. “He’s a friend, Mags. That’s it.”

  “That’s not what the Internet says.”

  “Excuse me?”

  Maggie clasped her hands on her desk. “You know how I’m always looking for new things on my favorite driver, Mike Morgan? Anyway, I searched Todd’s name on the Internet and a whole bunch of message boards came up. Drivers are practically like rock stars. They have millions of fans, most of whom appear to be on the Internet.”

  “I know,” Indi said.

  Damn it, Indi. Focus. It’s not like you don’t have other kids desperate for a miracle of their own.

  “As I suspected, there are whole Web sites dedicated to Todd.”

  “And your point?” Indi asked, knowing she wouldn’t like what was coming next.

  “You’ve been tagged as Todd’s girlfriend.”

  “No,” Indi said, her hands falling into her lap.

  Maggie nodded, a few kinky strands of bangs (she’d pulled her hair back) falling over her forehead. “Apparently, you were spotted hugging each other at the hospital. And this woman…” Maggie turned to her computer, clicking on some keys. “This woman said that the friend of a friend of a friend who saw you two said you were acting like way more than friends.”

  “No way. That was reported on the Internet?”

  Maggie’s eyes were wide and earnest. “I’m telling you, what Todd had for breakfast this morning is probably here somewhere.” She shook her head in derision, muttering, “Darn it. I wish I could find that site.”

  “Well, if you do, tell them they’re wrong. Todd and I were two people drawn together over a little boy.”

  A sick little boy, Indi reminded herself. No sense in pouting over her nonrelationship with Todd when Benjamin still fought for his life.

  “How is Benjamin, by the way?”

  Indi tried not to look too glum. “Linda said he’s doing as well as can be expected. She thought he might perk up when he heard he’d been accepted to this new study, but apparently he’s at a point where he just doesn’t care.”

  “That’s too bad. Are you going to continue visiting him?”

  It was a valid question. Technically, Indi had done her job. She’d granted Benjamin his miracle, and she was happy to have done it, even if it had resulted in—

  She shook her head. No. She would not think about her and Todd. Every time she did she felt the nauseating, suffocating feeling that made her want to close her eyes and maybe cup her head in her hands and fight back tears.

  She sucked in a breath. “I’ll be visiting him. Of course I will. You know how I feel about him.”

  “Yes, even though I’ve told you a hundred times not to get too close. You’ll burn yourself out doing that.”

  From the way Todd had made it sound, she’d already done that. “I know. I plan on heading over to the hospital on Wednesday, when he’s supposed to arrive.”

  “I’m surprised they’re allowing him to be moved, given the shape he’s in.”

  “It’s a special air ambulance. Todd’s arranged it all.”

  Indi returned to her computer. She went back to clicking on keys, only suddenly she realized she was searching for her name and Todd’s on the Internet.

  Argh.

  She pushed her keyboard away and stood up abruptly.

  “I’m going out to get a coffee,” she said, bending beneath her desk to grab her purse. When she straightened, Maggie’s eyes were full of concern.

  “Indi. What happened? And don’t hand me that ‘it was nothing’ routine. Something big occurred between you and that driver. I can see it in your face.”

  “What you see is concern for Benjamin,” Indi said.

  “Does he know you can’t have kids?”

  Indi froze.

  “Is that what this is about?” Maggie asked, her face full of compassion.

  “I’ll be right back,” Indi said, fishing in her purse for her keys.

  Maggie didn’t say another word.

  Does he know you can’t have kids?

  No, Maggie, Indi silently answered. That little tidbit of news never came up in conversation. And as it turned out, it didn’t need to come up. It was over between her and Todd. Over before it had ever really started.

  SHE SAW BENJAMIN the day he returned to California, but only briefly, and only after calling Sam, the hospital receptionist and checking that Todd wasn’t around.

  Benjamin looked awful.

  Of course, she tried not to let that show as she walked into his h
ospital room. “How’re you feeling?” she asked as she rubbed her hands together, her hands chilled by the alcohol in the hand sanitizer.

  “Tired,” he said. Benjamin’s eyes looked huge thanks to the bruising beneath them. He wore no ball cap today, his head so completely devoid of hair that Indi knew his scalp would be smooth to the touch.

  How many children had she seen looking like this? How many lives had been lost…

  Indi.

  “Did you get some sleep on the plane?” Indi asked, although the words seemed to bottle up in her throat.

  “It was a long flight,” Linda said. And she still looked tired from it, Indi noted. Her blond hair had been pulled back, but it looked as if it hadn’t been brushed in a while. The jeans and T-shirt she wore were wrinkled, as if she’d pulled them from a suitcase where they’d been sitting for some time. “And even though he didn’t have to move much, it still took everything out of him.”

  Indi nodded. Her hand found Benjamin’s beneath the cover. He was in the same room as before, the same childishly decorated, NASCAR motif, white-walled hospital room, with all the same equipment: IV, blood-pressure clip on his finger, television spewing muted sound from overhead.

  And yet it all felt so very, very different.

  “Why is Todd mad at you?”

  Indi’s hands froze. Her gaze shot to Linda’s. The woman just smiled, although it looked brittle around the edges.

  “I’m…well, I wasn’t aware we weren’t talking.”

  But she forgot who she was dealing with. She was staring into the eyes of a child who saw far too much, who looked upon the world with a wisdom that took her breath away. Benjamin knew that the days on earth were limited so it was smart to make the best of them.

  “He’s…good guy,” Benjamin croaked.

  “I know he is,” Indi said, leaning toward him and smiling softly. “Just look what he’s done for you.”

  Benjamin might be ill, but he was buying none of it. “You stayed out. On the boat.”

  “I…well, I…for a few hours,” Indi said, turning briefly to Linda and trying to gauge how much she’d guessed.

  All of it.

  “Saw you…together.”

  What? When? Where?

  “The beach.”

  “That was nothing, Benjamin. We’re just—” She was about to say friends, but Linda shook her head, her eyes warning her not to lie.

  She had been about to lie, hadn’t she? Worse, she’d been lying to herself—pinning the blame on Todd when deep down inside she’d known everything he’d said about her was true.

  “We’re just working through some things,” Indi said, smiling and clutching Benjamin’s hands. “Although to be honest, I’m not certain he even likes me anymore.”

  “Does,” Benjamin said, his eyes earnestly imploring.

  Indi’s heart seemed to lodge in her throat. She could tell Benjamin wanted them to be together, but that was one miracle Indi just couldn’t provide. “You get some rest,” Indi said. “I’ll be by tomorrow.”

  “I’ll walk out with you,” Linda said, bending forward and kissing her son. “Be right back.”

  Benjamin’s eyes were closed before they’d even stood.

  “What happened?” Linda asked.

  Nothing.

  The word was on the tip of her tongue, but just as Indi couldn’t lie to Benjamin, she couldn’t lie to Linda, either. The woman saw far too much.

  “We spent some time together,” Indi said, pausing in front of the elevators. “It was…”

  Wonderful. And he’d been so sweet. And so tender when they’d made love.

  “Nice,” Indi finished softly. “It was really nice.”

  “Then what happened?” Linda asked. “Benjamin said you spent the night out on Todd’s boat. But when I asked Todd if he’d talked to you, he shrugged you off like the two of you were nothing more than friends.”

  Indi tried to muster a smile for a nurse who passed them by, but it was hard. It was damn hard.

  “Maybe we are nothing more than friends,” Indi said once the woman had passed. “Maybe we bonded because of your son. Maybe it wasn’t real.”

  “And maybe nobody knows if a relationship is for real or not until they give it a shot,” Linda said. “Maybe none of them are real unless you take a chance and spend time working on it.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “That you shouldn’t just give up,” Linda said.

  “We hardly know each other.”

  “Don’t give me that crap,” Linda said, shocking Indi. Linda never swore. In all her months of knowing her, she’d never heard a curse word cross her lips. “I’m tired of it,” she said to Indi. “Tired of all the crap that goes on. The other day Art and I were in the car and on the radio I heard this woman actually complain about the fact that her kid got sent home from school because of a fever. I wanted to call in and give that woman a piece of my mind because at least her child would get better.”

  “Linda—”

  “No,” Linda said. “Let me finish. If I’ve learned nothing else while watching my son fight this horrible disease it’s that life’s too short to mess around. And what saddens me more than anything…” All at once Linda’s face crumpled. “What saddens me is that my son realizes that, too.”

  “Oh, Linda,” Indi said, opening her arms.

  “So don’t wait,” Linda said with a sniff, staying her with a hand. “Todd is a good man. A really good man. The money he’s put out…I can’t believe someone who barely knows us would do what he’s done.” Her chest expanded as she took a deep breath. “Don’t throw this away.”

  Indi nodded.

  Linda dabbed at her eyes. “I don’t want Benjamin to think I’m crying over him.”

  “I know.”

  From the pocket of her jeans, Linda pulled a tissue out. She took another deep breath. “Anyway,” she said after she’d collected herself, though her nose was still stuffy sounding. “Todd’s perfect for you, Indi. The two of you give from the heart—totally. You’re made for each other.”

  Indi took a deep breath, too. “But being involved with Todd won’t be easy, Linda. He’s a race car driver. Women talk about him on the Internet—”

  “So? These days everyone’s life is on the Internet. And trust me…I’ve seen the way that man looks at you. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”

  “But he’s volatile. Being near him sometimes is like being wood around a keg of gunpowder. He has no patience. Not like Art. You and your husband are so perfect together. Todd and I always seem to be at each other’s throats.”

  Linda let loose a huff of laughter, one that surprised Indi for the genuine mirth she heard behind it. “Is that what you think? That we have a perfect marriage?”

  “It sure looks like it. Believe me, I’ve seen relationships crumble from dealing with a sick child. But not you and Art.”

  “Don’t delude yourself, Indi. I wish he was around more. We argue about that constantly. Frankly, I’m surprised he went to North Carolina with me. What you see here, at the hospital, is vastly different than what goes on behind the scenes. We just don’t let Benjamin see the cracks in our relationship.”

  “I had no idea.”

  “Of course not. Nobody likes to air their dirty laundry.”

  No. She supposed not, Indi thought.

  I can’t have kids.

  It wasn’t something she ever really thought about. She’d never been serious enough with a man to bring up the subject. Did she now? Would Todd even talk to her again?

  He said for you to call.

  “Don’t let Todd go,” Linda repeated. “Sometimes you have to hang on to find your miracles.”

  And maybe, just maybe, it was Indi’s turn for one.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  THE SOONEST TODD could slip away to visit Benjamin was the beginning of November, his win at Charlotte creating corporate obligations he couldn’t ignore. Those demands only increased when—against all odds—
he managed to pull off a second win three weeks later.

  He almost brought the damn trophy with him. If he left it in Benjamin’s room, Indi would see it. But that would be childish and petty. She hadn’t called him or made any attempt to contact him, so he supposed he had her answer regarding their relationship. It was over.

  He just wished he could get over his disappointment. He hadn’t felt such a sense of letdown since he failed to win the championship a few years back.

  He’d win it this year.

  Mathematically, it’d be difficult for someone to catch up. The NASCAR NEXTEL Cup trophy would be his. Yet he still wanted to win at least two more races if for no other reason than to prove a point.

  “Todd,” Benjamin said when he saw him, the little boy covered in shadow thanks to one of the rooftop’s shade trees. Not far away, standing discreetly aside, one of the hospital’s many volunteers stood by, the older woman giving Benjamin his space.

  “And Lex,” Benjamin said, squealing in delight.

  Lex, the official therapy dog, had flown to California with Todd. The bulldog even wore an official yellow vest, which attested to his status as a therapy dog and allowed him to walk the halls without fear of being arrested by the doggie police. But all Lex cared about right now was greeting his little friend, the dog’s stub tail waving hello. Benjamin, as sick as he was, half rose, but no amount of smiles could erase the child’s ashen color, sunken eyes and general air of exhaustion.

  “Come here, boy,” Benjamin cried, his hands reaching for the canine.

  It wasn’t fair, Todd thought.

  It just wasn’t fair that this bright child had to suffer through this terrible disease.

  For now, Todd vowed. Unlike Indi, he believed in a cure, and cure Benjamin they would. The doctors had already started Benjamin on a new regimen of drugs geared toward targeting the specific gene responsible for his leukemia. The more Todd heard about the multiple kinase inhibitor being used in the clinical trial, the more optimistic he became.

  “How are you feeling?” Todd asked, but he had to wait until Benjamin and Lex were done admiring each other before he received an answer.

  “’Bout the same,” Benjamin said, and with his energy spent, he sat back down, his head resting against the back of his chair. He had a blanket over his legs today. Todd recognized his team colors on the blanket that matched the little boy’s ball cap.