Forgiven

by Ruth Sutton

  ‘Damn the thing,’ she said before deciding that she had better answer it.

  ‘This is Applegarth’, she said, a little crossly, and out of breath.

  ‘Jessie,’ said Matthew, ‘Is that you?’

  ‘Yes, it’s me, I’ve just run in from the garden. Where are you? Did you have a nice time down south?’

  ‘We’re just about to leave Milnthorpe. We stopped to have some lunch.’

  ‘We? Is there somebody with you?’

  ‘Yes, dear. Ann is with me. She decided to come home for a few days, before term starts again you know.’ He hesitated. ‘Would it be alright if we called in on you later this afternoon, before we go back to Cockermouth?’

  ‘That’s fine,’ said Jessie.

  But it wasn’t fine. Ever since that difficult Christmas lunch, Jessie had avoided any chance of meeting Ann. Being patronised so blatantly, and in your own home, was something Jessie didn’t wish to repeat, and Ann had kept away, until now. This was the first time she had seen Matthew since they’d talked of marriage. Why did Ann have to be there?

  The prospect of visitors, and Agnes’s imminent homecoming, reminded Jessie that she had work to do inside the house, especially now she knew Ann was coming. She tidied and dusted the sitting room, using just enough polish to make the room smell good. Nellie would do a proper job when she came the following week. In the kitchen she washed up and swept the floor, storing fruit and vegetables in the pantry to be dealt with later.

  She sat at the kitchen table for a minute, and thought about what might unfold. She had been a single woman all her life, fifty years. For much of that time she had been acutely lonely, using work and busyness to fill the space. Now she had a son, and a daughter-in-law, and a grandchild on the way. But still there was no one in the world to whom she mattered more than anyone else, except Matthew. He was a good man, he loved her and they would be comfortable together. Passion might grow, she had decided. She so wanted this to work out.

  The car horn sounded in the drive as she was brushing her hair, having washed her face and changed her clothes. Glancing at herself in the round mirror above the washbasin she decided that she looked quite presentable, and perfectly suitable to be the doctor’s lady. She opened the door to her guests.

  ‘Hello, Jessie,’ said Ann, walking past her into the hall.

  ‘How are you, my dear?’ said Matthew. Jessie moved to kiss him, but he moved his head away and there was a slight clash of heads. ‘Sorry,’ he murmured.

  Jessie ushered them both into the sitting room, and left them there while she went through to make tea. She thought Matthew might follow her, but he did not. She could hear that they were talking but could not hear what was being said.

  ‘Here we are,’ she said, returning to the sitting room. ‘So you’ve had a good time?’

  ‘Excellent,’ said Ann. ‘So good to spend some time with Dad.’

  A few minutes silence ensued. Jessie busied herself with being hostess, and wondered why Matthew was saying nothing. Something was being left unsaid.

  Jessie needed to break the silence. ‘John’s wedding went well,’ she began, ‘although the dreadful business at the William pit has pushed it well to the back of our minds since then.’

  ‘We read about it, of course,’ said Ann, ‘and it was even on the Pathé news when we went to the cinema in Farnham. Only a few minutes. It looked pretty grim.’

  ‘It was,’ said Jessie. ‘So many men lost.’

  ‘Places like that must get used to it, I suppose,’ Ann went on, stirring her tea. ‘You wonder why people want to work down those horrid pits, why not just pack up and move somewhere else, somewhere not so dirty and dangerous.’

  ‘Well,’ Jessie began, but Matthew interrupted, sensing a difference of view was about to erupt.

  ‘Let’s not talk about that now,’ he said. ‘Too depressing on such a lovely afternoon. Would you like to show us the garden, Jessie? It must have kept you really busy.’

  ‘You carry on,’ said Ann. ‘I’ll go and powder my nose.’

  Jessie changed her shoes at the back door before taking Matthew out to see the garden in all its abundance. The smell of ripe plums lingered in warm shade of the spreading tree.

  ‘Is everything alright?’ she said. ‘You seem a little tired.’

  ‘Quite a long drive,’ he said. ‘And it was busy in Farnham. We don’t see Emily and the children very often. Lots to catch up on.’

  Jessie smiled. She wanted to tell him about John and Maggie’s baby, but it was too soon.

  ‘I hear the wedding went really well,’ she said. ‘In the end, they were married by Father O’Toole in Millom.’ Surely he’ll ask more about that, she thought, but he did not.

  Matthew picked a plum from the branch hanging close to his face.

  ‘You missed one,’ he said, handing it to her. He looked down at his feet. ‘The girls wanted to talk about, you know, us,’ he said.

  ‘I’m sure they did,’ said Jessie.

  ‘Emily wanted to know all about you.’

  ‘Naturally.’

  ‘She, and Ann too, were a bit puzzled, by, you know, the business with John. Passing him off as your nephew and so on. All rather confusing.’

  ‘I suppose so,’ said Jessie.

  ‘I told them all that you’ve told me, and what great success you’ve made of your life, despite it all.’

  ‘Successful? You think so?’

  ‘Certainly I do,’ he said. ‘To be headmistress of the school all those years, helping generations of children, and all those evacuees. I know those families, not an easy business.’

  ‘Well, thank you, Matthew, for saying that. It’s a relief, actually, to move on after all those years of responsibility.’

  ‘I said all that to the girls, you know,’ he added. There was a short pause. He coughed. ‘It’s been difficult for them, of course.’

  Jessie waited. She wasn’t sure what he was referring to.

  ‘Hard for them to think of me, you know, marrying again. They want to be sure, sure that I’ll be happy.’

  ‘Of course,’ said Jessie.

  ‘Ann and I discussed it first, and then there was Emily, and Robert, her husband. Everyone had to have their say.’

  ‘There’s no need …’ Jessie began, not wishing to hear much more about it.

  ‘But I told them all,’ he said, smiling at her, ‘I told them that you’d had a difficult start in life, but that I forgive you.’

  ‘You forgive me?’

  ‘Yes, of course I do, I must forgive the mistakes you made when you were very young. It’ll take the girls a little while to feel the same, but in time, I’m sure …’

  ‘So what are you saying, what does this mean?’ she asked. Her mind was buzzing.

  ‘It means that we should get married, my dear, in a little while, when the dust has settled, so to speak. Maybe next year, in the spring perhaps?’

  ‘Just a minute,’ she said. ‘Before we go in, can I ask, what exactly do you forgive me for?’

  ‘All of it,’ he said, taking her hand. ‘For having the baby, and giving it away, and having to lie about it all these years. It’s all forgotten. We start afresh, you and I.’

  Jessie stared at Matthew, who smiled at her cheerfully in return. ‘Let’s go in,’ she said, turning toward the house.

  ‘Ann and I need to get away,’ said Matthew, glancing at his watch. ‘Still another hour or so on the road, and I have a few things to do before it’s back to work tomorrow. Ann will stay a week and see me settled and then go back to London.’

  ‘That’s nice,’ said Jessie.

  Ann appeared in the kitchen as Jessie was changing her shoes.

  ‘Are we ready, Daddy?’ she said. ‘Can’t wait to get home. Seems like we’ve been away for weeks.’

  ‘Right you are, dear,’ he said. ‘Jessie and I have had a little chat, and I’m ready when you are.’

  ‘So nice to see you again,’ said Ann. She leaned down to touch
Jessie’s cheek with her own.

  ‘Yes,’ said Jessie.

  ‘Off we go then,’ said Matthew. ‘I’ll call you when we get home, dear, and see you in a week or two?’ He squeezed her hand and kissed her on the cheek.

  ‘Goodbye,’ said Jessie. She watched at the porch door as Matthew turned the car round, drove slowly up the drive to the road, and was gone.

  Jessie closed the front door and sat down on the little chair by the telephone in the hall. For a few moments she sat with her head bowed and her eyes closed, quite still, although her heart was racing and her mind a blur. Suddenly she raised her head. In that instant she realised that she could not marry Matthew Dawson – not in the spring, not ever.

  CHAPTER 30

  ‘HELLO, I’M BACK,’ Agnes called from the front door.

  Jessie heard a car door slam and saw Mr Baines from Bootle drive away, before Agnes came into the house.

  ‘I decided I couldn’t face the hill with this heavy bag. I bought some gorgeous pear brandy in Harrods, and then Jocelyn insisted on giving me four jars of jam, and now it weighs a ton,’ said Agnes, talking into the empty space while she took off her hat and shoes. ‘So I hopped off at Bootle instead and got Mr Baines to bring me the rest of the way. Cars are so useful sometimes, don’t you think?’

  Jessie came down the stairs, happy to see a truly friendly face.

  ‘Lovely to see you, dear,’ said Agnes, giving her a hug. ‘Sorry I’m a bit late. Jocelyn and I got talking, you know how it is. I’ll put the kettle on. Do you want tea?’

  ‘The water should still be warm,’ said Jessie. ‘I made tea about an hour ago.’ She decided not to mention her previous visitors.

  ‘Splendid,’ said Agnes. ‘Let’s sit in the front room. I’ve got something to tell you.’

  After the day’s revelations, Jessie wasn’t sure how much more news she could deal with. She sat, thinking, as Agnes bustled around, finally settling down in her usual chair by the fireplace.

  ‘They’ve finally made the decision,’ said Agnes.

  ‘Who has, and about what? Go back a bit, Agnes.’

  ‘Right. Well. You remember Mr Bennett, from the Ministry, who came to stay for a few days? He was charged with looking at various sites around the country for the new nuclear plant they want to build.’

  ‘I gathered that, yes,’ said Jessie.

  ‘Well, the choice is made, and it will be near Drigg, at Sellafield actually. They’re not sure what to call it yet, but that’s where it will be. Isn’t that exciting? They’ve actually started the building already.’

  ‘I saw the piece in the Whitehaven News,’ said Jessie, ‘reassuring people about safety. Nellie told me last week that the cows will grow two heads. Not going to be easy to convince her, I should say.’

  ‘Anyway,’ said Agnes, ‘this means they’ll be looking for people to work on it, now that construction has started, people in the office, management, that kind of thing.’

  She sipped her tea, looking across at Jessie, her eyes bright. ‘Of course I’ve been thinking of something for you, dear, but now you’re going to be “the doctor’s wife” you won’t be needing a job after all. A life of luxury lies head for you, coffee mornings and bridge, I can see it all.’

  She laughed, more loudly than usual, Jessie thought. Agnes put down her cup and took Jessie’s hand. ‘I’m sorry dear, for prattling on when you’ve all been having such a sad time with that dreadful accident. The price of coal – that’s what they were talking about at the Ministry. It must have been awful.’

  ‘All those funerals,’ said Jessie. ‘One after another. Some families lost two or three men, you know. Whitehaven’s been used to tragedy over the years but this was the worst. John was in the middle of it. They put him in charge of all the donations that came flooding in, money from everywhere. It all has to be recorded and banked and divided up. A very important job, and they gave it to him. I was very proud, I told him so.’

  Agnes nodded in agreement. She let go of Jessie’s hand but continued to look at her. ‘And how is Matthew?’ she asked. ‘Is he back from seeing the girls? Have you named the day?’

  Jessie looked across at her old friend. She didn’t want to say anything to her, but she knew that the questions would persist until she did.

  ‘Matthew was here this afternoon,’ she said.

  ‘That’s why the cups were in the sink,’ said Agnes. ‘I wondered if you’d had visitors.’

  ‘Matthew wanted to tell me about their trip.’

  Agnes waited. She could see that Jessie had more to say.

  ‘Ann was with him,’ said Jessie.

  ‘Oh dear, is she still being difficult?’ Agnes jumped to the problem of Ann and began to talk more freely. ‘I never liked her, you know, even as a child. She was so bossy. Joan never dealt with it properly, and she wound Matthew round her little finger. Daddy’s girl, all that.’

  ‘Nothing’s changed much,’ said Jessie. ‘Matthew still seems almost afraid of her.’

  ‘What did she say, dear?’ Agnes asked, leaning forward expectantly.

  ‘It was more what he said, actually.’

  ‘Well then, what did he say?’

  ‘He told me how worried “the girls” are, about me trying to replace their mother, I suppose. They’d obviously asked a lot of questions about me and not liked what they heard.’

  ‘What kinds of things, for heaven’s sake?’ said Agnes.

  ‘Right back to the beginning. About me and Clive, and John being adopted, everything.’

  ‘But Matthew defended you, didn’t he?’

  ‘That’s just it, dear. I’m not sure he did defend me. He said he forgave me. His very words: I forgive you.’

  Agnes sat back in her chair. ‘Forgiven? Sounds as if you’re a criminal,’ she said.

  ‘Exactly. I don’t want to be forgiven. I want to be understood.’

  ‘Of course you do, dear, of course.’ Agnes closed her eyes. ‘I judged you like that once, I know. But that was in the heat of the moment, in shock. You can’t love someone, and carry on loving them, if you have to forgive them.’

  ‘I know that, and you know that, but I’m afraid Matthew doesn’t.’

  ‘He’s not worthy of you, Jessie,’ said her friend. ‘What did you say to him?’

  ‘I didn’t say anything. I was shocked, and he seemed to think everything was fine, and how we should wait a while, something like that.’

  The telephone rang in the hall, loud and insistent.

  ‘That might be him,’ said Jessie. ‘He said he would ring when he got back. Can you answer it, Agnes? I don’t want to speak to him. Tell him anything, I’m in the garden, or out somewhere.’

  Agnes hurried to the phone, her finger to her lips.

  ‘Hello,’ she said, ‘Applegarth … Yes, hello, Matthew, how was your trip? … Good, splendid … Jessie? … she’s not here I’m afraid … maybe in the garden, I could try – no … alright. Yes, I’ll tell her. Goodbye.’

  ‘Thank you, dear,’ said Jessie. ‘Good thing you were here. I was thinking I’d have to let it ring, and then he would have worried. What did he want you to tell me?’

  ‘Nothing, just that they were home,’ said Agnes. ‘What are you going to do, dear?’

  ‘Nothing at all, just now. I need to think.’

  ‘About whether to go ahead with it?’

  ‘I don’t think I can go through with it, not like this. I have to think about it, but he’s in no hurry, so neither am I!’ She jumped up from the chair. ‘Are you hungry? All of a sudden, I feel terribly hungry. Let’s make a lovely meal together, and drink some of that pear brandy.’

  It was the happiest evening either of them had enjoyed for a long time. Talking, laughing, and making their food, Jessie was reminded of the joy of good friendship. They started with a sherry or two, had a generous gin and orange each with the meal, and the pear brandy afterwards was just as good as Agnes had promised.

  It was late when they were finall
y clearing the table and washing up side by side in the kitchen. The bottle of brandy was alarmingly depleted and Jessie felt a little unsteady.

  Agnes’s voice was slightly slurred. ‘You know, dear, I think you’ve made up your mind about Matthew, and I have to confess I’m glad about that. He’s not the one for you.’

  ‘I think you’re right,’ said Jessie. ‘After all these years, I can’t settle for marriage on those terms.’

  ‘There’s nothing wrong in being single,’ said Agnes. She finished her brandy and poured herself some more. ‘I’ve never been tempted, never. There’s something so base … knowing what they want, knowing that it’s your duty.’

  Jessie smiled. She’d often wondered about how Agnes really felt about men and the physical side of things.

  ‘But you and I,’ Agnes went on, ‘that’s different isn’t it?’

  ‘Of course. We’re just friends, aren’t we?’

  ‘It’s more than that,’ Agnes whispered, drying her hands. Suddenly she turned to Jessie and pulled her close, stroking her hair with one hand. She bent her head and kissed Jessie’s neck, murmuring into her ear.

  Jessie stood quite still for a moment, feeling the pressure of Agnes’s body. She could smell the brandy on her breath. Then she pushed her gently away. Agnes stood back, smiling, stretched out her hand and smoothed Jessie’s hair away from her flushed face.

  ‘I knew it all along,’ said Agnes. ‘I knew you didn’t really want him. You were just stringing him along, like you did with Andrew. Deep down, you’re only really happy when you’re with me. That’s right isn’t it?’

  Jessie stared at her friend, speechless.

  Agnes continued to smile. There were tears in her eyes. ‘And it’s alright now, dear, we can be together. The school doesn’t matter any more. People can say what they like.’