Shadows of the Ancients

by Christine M. Butler

  I lie back on the grass, and continued listening, one foot propped up on my knee, letting my troubles bleed out of me and into the ground beneath. The music took me away to someplace better, safer, a place where I didn’t have to worry about mates, love, or anything else. I could just be myself. I knew my body was swaying in time to the music being played. I had been there about 30 minutes when I heard a familiar voice.

  “Well, since you’re able to skip your next class, why don’t we find Jess and get out of here. I dropped her Jeep off at your apartment earlier. The key is where you told me to put it. We can go drop her off, and then find somewhere to be alone.”

  “You know I do not disagree with the alone part, but what’s going on with Evan? When we went our separate ways to class earlier, she still hadn’t heard from him.”

  “I don’t know, Ash. I think between the shit his brother is pulling, the conversation he had with his family this morning, and the visit from Jess’s dad, he just figured he’d put some space there. I’m not saying he’s going about things the right way at all, but there’s really no talking to him. Honestly, I can’t blame him either. It’s probably safer for her if he does.”

  “Hey, I think that’s Jess over there in the grass.”

  Once I realized they saw me, I tuned out of their conversation, stood up as if it was what I had been planning all along, and started walking in the opposite direction. I just had to hope it didn’t look like I was running away from them. I spotted the guy from my psych class, and walked up to him, putting my hand around his back to tap his shoulder. I laughed when he looked the wrong way, and then turned to me with a huge smile on his face. “Hey, I don’t have my car here today. Someone borrowed it last night, and left it at my friend’s apartment. Could I trouble you for a ride? It’s not far, and I can give you gas money.”

  “Sure, Jess, and no need to give me anything. I don’t mind, really.” I hated that he knew my name, and I didn’t know his. We were already in his car, and pulling out before Ashley and Asi caught up to us.

  A text came in on my phone from Ash. “What are you doing, Jess? We were coming to take you to the apartment.”

  “No worries, I got a ride. Enjoy your alone time with Asi.” I realized after I hit send that she would know I had overheard them. For a minute, I regretted sending the text, but then I figured it was Ashley, and hopefully would stay between us.

  “You okay?” The guy driving me to my car asked.

  “Yeah, sorry, my friend was trying to get up with me. Apparently, I just missed her.”

  “No, I mean, earlier too. You seemed sad when you were at the student center.”

  “I’m okay, it’s just been a weird a few days, and I am still processing. No head shrinking me either, mister. You’re not a professional, yet!” I gave a quick laugh, and he joined me. “Turn right up at the next light.” She lives about 6 blocks up from the turnoff in Winter Springs.”

  “Oh, that condo complex near the bakery?”

  “That’s the one.” As soon as we turned, we were driving past Hypnotic, which now had a new name, De ’Lune’s. Evan was standing outside with his brother, as we drove by. I didn’t make myself known, and even tried to pull back the normal amount of power that tended to just leak out, but his head snatched up and watched the car pass until we were out of sight a few blocks away. He’d probably felt my energy, as I had his and Mikael’s. My phone stayed silent though.

  When we got close to Ashley’s apartment complex, I pointed out my yellow Jeep. “There’s my baby!” A genuine smile lit up my face, as Psych boy whistled.

  “So, that big ball of sunshiny fun is yours, huh?” I looked at him oddly. “Sorry, it’s just that I’ve always admired that Jeep. I’m stuck with my crap car for now while I have tuition to pay, but a Jeep is on my to do list as soon as I’m raking in all the therapy bucks.”

  “Ha! Therapy bucks huh? Well, she’s mine, and I love her. I worked my ass off for her, and my dad helped me fix it up along the way. I love my Jeep!” I smiled at him. “Maybe, one day soon I will give you a ride so you can see how she handles. I know a guy who deals in used Jeeps, and parts. So, when you’re ready…”

  “That’d be awesome.” He leaned in closer to me, like he was going to lean in for a kiss, and I took that as my cue to get the hell out of the car. I had enough man issues to deal with.

  “Thanks again for the ride,” I said as I got out and shut the door behind me. I got in my Jeep, adjusted the seats and mirrors to my frame again, and then searched the little hidden compartment in my dashboard for the keys. They were right where Ashley had told Asi to hide them, thankfully. I put them in the ignition and just sat back, leaning my head against the seat for a minute. My world was a strange place all of a sudden. For a minute, I wondered what the rest of the pack would think of me when I came back during the full moon meeting, and had no mate to speak of. I’d, no doubt, be the laughing stock of the pack. Part of me already felt like that anyway, since my parents would never let me run with the others. I felt like an outsider, and now once I actually had someone I thought I was connecting with, he had just walked away from me too. Life was definitely not fair.

  A knock on my Jeep door startled me out of my thoughts, “Hey, I’m glad you were just sitting here staring off into space still. You forgot this in my car.” The guy from class was smiling brightly, and holding my backpack up so I could see it.

  “Oh my God, thank you. I don’t even know where my head is today. Somehow shoved incredibly far up my ass, I think.” He laughed at my joke.

  “I’m not so sure about that, but hey, when you’re not so preoccupied with whatever it is, maybe I could take you out to dinner. I insist that you drive though, because your car is way cooler than mine.” He made it sound so effortless, and I found myself wondering why now, out of the blue, someone finally wanted to ask me out. He was a human, so I would tell him no anyway, but at least it stroked my broken ego a little.

  “I would love to, but…”

  “Ahh, not the dreaded but. How about we just say maybe another time, when things aren’t so complicated.” My shoulders slumped at that. “I’m not blind. I saw the way you were looking at that flier earlier. You looked heartbroken. The timing is off. I get that.”

  “Another time…” I said, because it was easier than the ‘no’ that I had to give him.

  “Alright, see you in class, Jess.”

  “See ya,” I said, still not able to remember his name. I watched him in my rear view walking back to his car, and before I looked ahead again, I felt a familiar tingle creep over my body. I wasn’t surprised to see Evan standing in front of my Jeep then.

  “May I?” He asked as he pointed to my passenger seat. I didn’t even answer, I simply shrugged, and he helped himself to the spot in my Jeep.

  “Look,” I sighed. “I was about to head home.” He tossed my backpack in the back seat, and turned to face me.

  “Jess, you didn’t answer me back this morning.”

  “You only texted me because someone told to you too. I didn’t think that warranted a response.” I would never be a good poker player. I was no good at holding my hand, and easing into the game. I put everything out there all up front. I always had, and sometimes I hated that about myself. This was definitely one of those times. I wish I could be one of the girls who didn’t let the guy see that something bothered them.

  “Jess, things are…”

  “Complicated?” I let my hair fall free around my face, sheltering me with my own little curtain of chestnut colored privacy. “I don’t need explanations. I’m a big girl. I get it. Too much trouble. There, our talk is done. You can get out now, so I can leave.” I turned the key in the ignition, until the engine caught, and then I sat back waiting for him to leave.

  “Jess, please, look at me.” He leaned over to move my hair out of my face, but I slipped sideways, out of his reach. “You know, part of what I like about you is that stubborn streak I saw you had with Marcus and Zach, but i
t’s not really endearing when it’s aimed at me.”

  “Oh?” He did it, my inner bitch was unleashed. “Do tell… you don’t like when my stubborn side is aimed at you? It’s not endearing? I’m not being, what, pushover enough for you? SCREW YOU! You are the one that got me all kinds of naked last night, only to sneak off in my damn Jeep, and then not say one damn word to me all day, until my friend told you to. Now, you sit here, expecting me to open up, and let you touch me in any way? Seriously? In what universe did you think I would be okay with this? I don’t know what kind of girls you normally use up and toss aside, but I promise you, I am not the same! Get out of my car!”

  I looked up in time to see Ashley and Asi standing on the sidewalk, about to head into Ashley’s apartment. Her eyes were huge. I don’t think Ashley had ever heard me talk to someone like that before. She knew I had it in me, but I usually found a better way. I was too hurt to reign my temper in this time though. I could see Ash struggling with wanting to come to comfort me, and wanting to give me space. I just shook my head at her, so she wouldn’t come.

  “Jessica, you need to stop, and listen to me. You are taking everything way out of context, seriously.”

  “I’m taking things out of context?” I was beyond frustrated at this point. “You know what?” I threw my hands up in the air. “You’re right. I’m that girl.”

  “I don’t understand what you mean.”

  “Uh oh,” I heard Ashley say from her spot on the front stoop of her apartment, where she parked her ass and refused to leave.

  “I’m that girl. I’m the one who takes everything wrong. I’m the one who shouldn’t have expected a call to begin with. The girl who should have known better to begin with, but since I didn’t, it’s my job to swallow it all down and play nice in the end.” My eyes were angry slants with flashes of green by the time I looked at Evan. “I’m the girl who just told you to get the fuck out of her car, because she doesn’t want this kind of wishy-washy drama. I thought you were different. I thought you were genuine and real, but I was wrong. I am not going to sit here and have you try to tell me I’m taking things out of context, when I know exactly what’s up. You left last night, without even saying good bye, because my dad told you too. My dad, who is a lesser wolf to you. You could have told him you were going to say goodbye first. Actually, knowing my dad, he would have respected that more. You didn’t though, you just hauled ass and ran. This morning, not a single fucking word either. I had to overhear a conversation to know that you had issues with your brother, and your family, and words with my dad today. All of which apparently made you too cowardly to even call me and tell me you didn’t want to see me again. Then you follow me here, get in my Jeep, and insult my intelligence. BUT I’m THAT girl. The one who’s misconstruing things?” I did not drop my eyes from his the whole time I was ranting. “No, sir, I don’t think I took anything the wrong way. I think your actions speak pretty clearly, and I was just some fucking joke to you. You marked me and sent me home not even knowing your name. You stood up there in front of my pack, and told them you were my intended. You told my parents that you wanted to be bound. And it was all a joke at my expense.” My words were starting to get choked up on my emotion, as I inwardly chastised my tears for trying to fall. “The worst thing is I don’t care if any of them believed you. I don’t care what they’ll all think of me now. I’m angry because I was stupid enough to believe it.”

  “No, they need to work this out for themselves, Ash.” I looked over to see Asi holding Ashley back from coming to me.

  “Jess?” She was asking permission to come comfort me, but I didn’t want anyone’s comfort. I just wanted to go home, become one with my wolf, and run this all away. I shook my head no again, so she wouldn’t keep trying to come to me.

  “What can I say to make this better?” Evan asked me.

  “Not a damn thing. You can get out though, instead of continuing to embarrass me in front of my friend.”

  “Jess, I’m not…”

  “Seriously, just get out.”

  This time, he actually listened and got out of my Jeep. I didn’t hesitate, as soon as he shut the door I took off, and headed home. I had about thirty minutes worth of driving to get my shit together before I got home and had to face my parents, and tell them that I no longer had a mate.

  The ride home didn’t help. I was just as keyed up when I pulled into the drive as I had been in front of Ashley’s apartment. My hands were shaking, and tears were continuing to spill down my face. The ache in my chest burned, and at the same time it felt like there wasn’t enough room to hold all the pieces of my shattering heart. Everything felt tight inside me, and all I wanted to do was collapse in my bed, and cry until the pressure released, because it had to release at some point. I couldn’t even imagine the heartache a wolf must go through when their long time mate died. I understood now, to an extent, why many of them didn’t survive their mate’s passing. It hurt too much. I hadn’t even known Evan long, and it hurt already. My wolf was wounded inside. She already knew he was what she wanted, and she sat still deep inside me, wounded by the rejection as I climbed the stairs in my house, headed for my room.

  “Jess?” My mom called out from the kitchen. I ignored her, and was already half way up the stairs when she finally caught up with me. She had been calling me the whole time, not just once. “Jessica Marie, what is the matter with you?”

  “Mom…” My resolve broke, the pieces I was trying really hard to keep together, shattered. “I don’t understand.” The tears fell, and big ugly sobs pulled me down until I collapsed on the stair I had been standing on.

  “Oh, Jess, what happened? Is it Ashley? Is she alright?” By now, my dad was coming up the steps to meet us too, and I was in my mother’s arms like I had been so many times as a child when I was hurt. She cradled me to her chest, rocking back and forth, hand gently running over the top of my head, in a soothing motion.

  “Jess, what’s the matter?” My dad asked.

  “What did you say?” I kept repeating it to him for a minute as my face contorted in anger and hurt. “What did you say to him, that he doesn’t even want me anymore?” My dad reached out to touch my shoulder. “Don’t touch me!” I yelled at him. “You did this! You sent him away, and then you made sure he stayed away! How could you? I was happy, for once. You’re never happy for me though. You tried to force the wrong person on me for so long, and when the right one comes along, you did… what? I don’t even know. You drove him away.” I was yelling, taking it all out on my dad, because he was an easy target. It was easier to believe he had caused Evan’s change of heart, rather than to believe Evan played me for a fool.

  “What did you say to him, Jameson?” There was an edge of anger in my mother’s voice as she questioned him. My dad’s eyes were too large for his face, which told me he was at least partly to blame for this mess. He hadn’t gone easy on Evan. It was no excuse for him to just walk away from me, but it was apparently one of the things that made it easy for him to do so.

  I kept flashing back to the look on his face when I was yelling at him in the Jeep. He never flinched, never showed any outward emotion, other than annoyance. “Please, just leave me alone for a while.” I whispered, and I was on my feet, unsteadily making my way to my room. I shut and locked the door, and fell face first into my bed. The phone in my pocket was vibrating, repeatedly, but I ignored it. Actually, I took it out of my pocket, and threw it across the room. I’d pull myself together and take this all in stride tomorrow, but for now, I just wanted a moment to wallow in my fucked up life, without interruptions.

  I couldn’t get beyond the fact that I thought last night was so magical, and yet it apparently meant nothing at all. Evan acted as if nothing ever happened by morning. I lie there, on my bed, face down in my pillow, crying my eyes out over the loss of something I never really had to begin with. It didn’t matter how stupid a part of me felt I was being. I needed the release, and when I was spent, I slept.

 
I woke up sometime later to dark skies, and rain beating down on my window. There were voices raising downstairs, and for once I didn’t care what was going on. I tuned them out, threw a pillow over my head, and tried to go back to sleep. It didn’t work out that way when Ashley burst through my bedroom door, “Jessica? Are you okay in here?”

  “So much for that lock I used to have on my door.” I grumped from under the pillow.

  “Oh my God, I’m so sorry.” She said, and she meant it. “I’m a strong bitch now!” That was Ashley, taking a moment to marvel in her own awesomeness. “Jess,” she shut the door behind her. “No wonder you didn’t answer your phone.” She walked across the room and picked it up off the floor where I had thrown it. “What the hell did your phone do to you?”

  “It kept buzzing when I was trying to feel sorry for myself.” I said with absolutely no enthusiasm whatsoever.

  “You’re funny, even when you’re not trying to be, you know!”

  “No offense Ash, but can we get this over with. I’m tired, and I just want to go back to bed so I can wake up tomorrow, and go back to being the Jess that doesn’t care about this kind of stuff.”

  “Jessie,” she sat down beside me and put my phone on the bedside table. “My heart broke for you earlier. Do you really think that all of this was a joke to Evan?”

  Oh boy, just those few words tightened my chest again, and suddenly there was no room for my heart to beat in there anymore. “Ash, I don’t really want to talk about it now. I’m done, with all of it. I just want to finish school, and not have to worry about anything else okay? Can I do that? Can I just sleep it off, cry it out, and forget?”

  “I don’t know, can you?” Ashley pushed me so that I slid over on the bed to make room for her to lie down next to me. “Jess, how did we go from the talk we were having this morning to this in a day?”

  “I wish I knew. I was kind of left out of the equation today, Ash. What am I supposed to say? While you were busy with your happy morning after conversations I had a stranger ask me if I was okay. No one else, just a stranger. I didn’t even know there was anything wrong, or to be worried about.” I hadn’t even realized the tears started flowing again until I went to adjust the pillow beneath my head, and realized it was wet. “Do you remember two weeks ago, when I didn’t give two shits about dating?”