Lady Arykah Reigns

by Nikita Lynnette Nichols

  Arykah pointed to a woman directly in front of her. “Yes. What’s your question?”

  The woman stood. “I’m Tyfani Whitaker. My cousin is trying to set me up on a blind date. I’m hesitant. Do you think I should go?”

  “Chile, let me tell you,” Arykah said.

  The people chuckled. They knew she was gonna say something hilarious.

  “I went on a blind date once, and it was the worst date I ever had. A coworker set me up with her boyfriend’s brother. I actually liked my coworker’s boyfriend because he treated her like a queen. I figured that his brother had been cut from the same cloth. So, I agreed to go to the movies with him. I didn’t want the guy to know where I lived so I met him at my coworker’s house. When I got in his car he asked if I was gonna want some popcorn or candy or something to drink when we got to the movies. I told him that I wouldn’t. Well, when we sat in our seats, inside the theater, I saw that the couple next to us was sharing a huge bucket of popcorn and it smelled heavenly. So I said to my date, ‘I changed my mind. I would like some popcorn and something to drink.’ The fool got so irate and yelled, ‘Didn’t I ask you before we got here if you were gonna want some popcorn? I would’ve stopped by the dollar store and bought you popcorn and something to drink. The popcorn and drinks here at the movies cost too much!’”

  All the people yelled out in laughter.

  “So, ten minutes into the movie, I excused myself and said I was going to the ladies’ room. I left his cheap behind right there at the movies and took the bus home. I vowed to never go on a blind date again.” Arykah looked at Tyfani. “But, Tyfani, I won’t tell you not to go on a blind date. Your experience may be better than mine.”

  Arykah pointed to a man who stood across the room on her left side. She recognized him as a member of the church, and he also worked for Lance as a construction worker at Howell Construction. “Yes, Isaac. What’s your question?”

  “You’re stunning tonight, Lady Arykah.”

  She smiled. “Thank you.”

  “I’m a single guy,” Isaac said. “I make a decent living and have a few bucks in my bank account. A lot of people depend on me to help them make ends meet. But it seems like the more I give, the more people want. How do I cut moochers off without offending them?”

  “Isaac, the best thing you can do for poor people is to not become one of them.”

  A bunch of “Amens” ricocheted throughout the fellowship hall.

  “Now you’re preachin’.”

  “Say that again, Lady Arykah.”

  Arykah looked at Isaac. “When you give and give and give, you become an enabler. As long as you don’t mind giving away money, folks ain’t gonna mind asking you for it. You’re the one going out every day slinging heavy concrete. Tell me something, Isaac. The people that you’re supporting, are they able to work?”

  Isaac nodded his head. “Yes.”

  “Well, what would happen if you run into a snag and need a dime or two? Can you depend on them to carry you?”

  He shook his head. “Probably not.”

  “It’s time to shut the ATM down, Isaac. Hang an Out Of Order sign on it. And thanks to caller ID, you ain’t gotta answer your phone.”

  A few folks applauded Arykah’s advice.

  Arykah pointed to another man seated at a table near the rear of the fellowship hall. “Yes. What’s your question?”

  “Lady Arykah, my name is Donald Bettis. I’m a twenty-three-year-old ex-con. I served six years in the penitentiary for selling dope. I’m rehabilitated, but I can’t seem to catch a break with folks that want to remind me of what I used to do. I have a great job; I have a girlfriend that I love, and I love being a member of Freedom Temple. But it’s mainly church folks that frown at me like I’m beneath them. How do I handle that?”

  “Well, the first thing you gotta do, Donald, is get delivered from people.”

  “Come on now,” Arykah heard a man say.

  “Say that, Lady Arykah.”

  She felt her help coming on. Arykah walked to Donald and stood in his face. “The church is full of dream killers and destiny preventers. But you can’t let what folks think of you keep you from receiving all that God has promised you. You see, Donald, justice is when you get what you deserve. Grace is when you don’t get what you deserve. And mercy is when you get what you don’t deserve.”

  More people applauded Arykah. Lance was impressed by his wife’s wisdom. He could probably put Arykah in the pulpit—But he quickly dismissed that thought. Arykah in the pulpit? Absolutely not. Her sermon would be full of curse words.

  “Do you understand what I just said, Donald?”

  “Perfectly,” he said.

  “Don’t carry around folk’s negative thoughts of you. Ain’t nobody got a heaven or hell to put you in. Understand?”

  Donald nodded his head. “Yes, ma’am.”

  Arykah turned and walked back to the front of the room. She looked at her wristwatch and saw that it was getting late. “I think I have time for a couple more questions.”

  Arykah pointed to a woman seated at the table with her team. “Yes, what’s your question?”

  The woman stood. “Lady Arykah, my name is Josephine. I’m a housewife raising two kids. My husband, who isn’t a member of Freedom Temple, supports our household on his salary just fine. But there are times when I’d like to buy a new hat or even treat myself to a spa. My husband feels that I don’t deserve a spa because, in his mind, all I do is sit around the house all day.”

  Arykah immediately addressed all the women. “Ladies, don’t let what a man brings to the table be all that you have to eat.” She connected eyes with Josephine. “Who pays the bills?”

  “My husband does.”

  “I mean who writes the checks and balances the bank book?”

  “I do,” Josephine said.

  “When you pay the light, gas, cable, telephone, and mortgage, make sure you pay yourself too. A woman should always have her own money.”

  Lance’s eyebrows rose. He didn’t agree with what Arykah had just done. She told Josephine to go behind her husband’s back and hide money. Lance stepped to Arykah and said, “Honey, if I may?”

  Arykah allowed Lance to address Josephine.

  “Sister Josephine,” Lance started, “if your husband is willing, Lady Arykah and I would like very much to sit with the two of you and discuss any financial disagreements you may have.”

  “Okay. Thanks, Bishop.” Josephine took her seat.

  Arykah took another question from a man seated at a table near the rear of the fellowship hall.

  “Lady Arykah, do you believe it’s a sin to partake in swine?”

  Arykah cocked her head to the side. “Is that a trick question? Do I look like I don’t eat swine?”

  The people laughed.

  “I eat every part of the pig from the roota to the toota. And if it is a sin, then God must be real mad at me.”

  Everyone chuckled.

  At the lateness of the hour, Arykah went back to the podium and spoke to everyone. “This was truly wonderful, and I’m happy that you all took the time to come out—”

  “I have a question.”

  Arykah saw a woman in a skintight red dress come from the back of the room and stand directly in front of her.

  “Oh my God,” Lance mumbled.

  Monique stood and so did Darlita, Chelsea, and Gladys.

  Arykah heard the people talking and whispering amongst themselves, but she couldn’t make out what anyone was saying. Arykah was focused on the drop-dead killer body that was in front of her. The red dress was gorgeous, and so was the woman’s face. Arykah had to admit that God curved the woman in all the right places. Arykah couldn’t hate. She was drawn to the woman’s feet. Arykah’s eyes bucked. She was wearing red Jimmy Choo high-heel sandals. The specific stiletto was called the “Freya.” They cost $2,895 a pair, and Arykah had preordered them three months ago. The Freya design wasn’t due to release until early August. How on ea
rth could the woman have them on her feet in late May?

  “I have a question for you, Lady Arykah,” she said again.

  Arykah brought her attention from the woman’s feet up to her eyes. I got a question for you too. How did you get those Jimmy Choos so early? “Yes. What’s your question?”

  Lance held his breath and watched. Team Arykah was on standby.

  “I was once in love with a man that I let get away from me. He’s moved on now, but I really wanna get him back. Do you have any advice on how I should go about it?”

  More mumbling came from the people. Arykah figured they were thinking out loud exactly what she was thinking. Why would a woman that gorgeous need to chase a man? Surely with her good looks, body to die for, and obviously great taste in clothes and shoes, she could have any man she wanted.

  “Well, first of all, you’re much too pretty to be chasing a man that has moved on. You can’t hunt a hunter.” Arykah realized that she didn’t know the woman’s name. “What is your name?”

  “Angela Moore.”

  As soon as Angela announced who she was, Monique moved toward Arykah. She only hoped that she could get to Arykah before she put her hands around Angela’s throat.

  Arykah frowned. Angela Moore? It angered Arykah that Angela had the gall to approach her and ask how she should go about getting Lance back. Arykah became angry with herself because she admired Angela’s appearance before she realized who she was. She stepped to Angela. “You’re the one who’s chasing after my husband?”

  Angela stepped to Arykah. “I had him first.”

  Arykah stepped closer pressing her nose to Angela’s nose. “That’s right. You had him. Okay? He’s married now.”

  “That can be changed.”

  The people gasped.

  Arykah pushed Angela backward. She lost her balance and fell. Immediately, Arykah went toward Angela but was shoved out of the way. Arykah stumbled to the side, but saw that it was Monique who had shoved her and dived on top of Angela. People near the women scrambled to move out of the way. Lance ran to Monique and tried to pull her up off of Angela. Arykah joined in and began hitting Angela in her face and head. A few men in the fellowship hall came to assist Lance in breaking up the fight. Lance let go of Monique and locked his arms around Arykah’s upper torso, then pulled her off of Angela. Three other men separated Monique and Angela. It was total chaos in the fellowship hall.

  Arykah tried, with all of her might, to get free of Lance’s bear hug. “Turn me loose , Lance. Let me go,” she yelled out.

  Arykah outweighed Lance by ninety pounds, but he managed to keep his bear hug intact and get her upstairs to her office.

  “What is the matter with you?” he yelled when they were behind closed doors.

  Arykah’s eyes were blazing. “I’m gonna kill that ho!” The door to Arykah’s office busted open and two men forced Monique inside. She was out of breath from fighting the men to release her.

  “Sit down, both of you!” Lance ordered.

  Lance sat behind Arykah’s desk, and she and Monique sat in chairs on the opposite side of the desk. All three of them were breathing heavy. He looked at them both. “I can’t believe what just happened.”

  “She had it coming,” Monique said.

  “Exactly,” Arykah agreed. “I think that broad tattooed them eyebrows one too many times, and the ink soaked through her skull. She’s brain dead. And what she did just now was buy herself a one-way ticket on the train of whoop-ass.”

  Myrtle walked into Arykah’s office with fire in her eyes. She was huffing and puffing. She slammed the door shut and marched right over to Arykah and Monique. “I’m finta beat both y’alls tails.”

  Lance hung his head and shook it from side to side.

  Before bed, Arykah was in her dressing room on her knees. “Father, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I brought shame on my husband and the church.” Arykah’s eyes welled up. She realized that she had embarrassed her husband. On the drive home, Lance hadn’t uttered a word to her.

  But before they left the church Myrtle gave her and Monique a tongue-lashing. Her words were so severe that Arykah wished that Myrtle had just put them over her knee and did what she said she was going to do to them. Beating her and Monique would have been less painful than what they had to sit through.

  “Father, please don’t let the church punish Lance because of my actions. Jesus, I promise that I’ll do better with my temper and my language.”

  After prayer, Arykah found Lance lying on the bed staring up at the ceiling with his hands extended behind his head. Diva Chanel snuggled up next to him. Arykah lay on her side of the bed and turned to face him. “I’m really sorry, Bishop. I know that there was no excuse for me to behave the way that I did.”

  “It was bad enough that Monique jumped on Angela, but you are my wife, the first lady of the church, Arykah.”

  “Well, Lance, I couldn’t just stand by and let Monique fight my battles.”

  “Neither of you should have been fighting. What are you, teenagers?”

  Arykah became defensive. “Wait a minute, Bishop. You ain’t gonna put this all on me. Part of this is your fault. You let me walk into the fellowship hall blind. Had you been honest with me and told me about Ho Angela, I would have dealt with her a long time ago.”

  “What are you talking about? I did tell you about her.”

  “All you said was that she was your ex -girlfriend, but you didn’t tell me that she was pushing up on you.”

  “Because there was no need.”

  “What do you mean ‘there was no need’?”

  “I know how you are, Arykah. You have a short fuse, and you don’t always deal with situations the way you should. You have zero patience. You have zero filter. And I don’t need you poppin’ off every time someone pisses you off. I can handle Angela. She ain’t got nothing coming from me.”

  “Lance, she shouldn’t be flirting with you. I don’t like that. And it shows that she has no respect for me. I’m your wife. I don’t understand why you can’t see my point of view. That stank broad stood in my face and asked me how she should go about getting you back. What did you think my reaction should have been?”

  “Certainly not to push her and certainly not for you and Monique to jump her. I’m not defending Angela. What she did was wrong. I just wished you hadn’t allowed your emotions to get the best of you, Arykah. It was embarrassing.”

  “Are you worried about the deacons?”

  “After that funeral fiasco last month, heck, yeah, I’m worried about the deacons.”

  A month ago Lance went against the church’s rules. He chose to have the funeral of a non-member at Freedom Temple.

  “First, I go against the church’s rules and eulogize a non-member and because of that, cross-dressers, transgenders, and homosexuals tore up the sanctuary. And tonight my wife and her thug friend beat up a woman in the fellowship hall. So, yes, I’m worried.”

  Lance turned his back to Arykah and switched off his lamp on the nightstand.

  Arykah lay silent for a minute. “Did you just call Monique a thug?”

  “You’re a thug too. Both of y’all are thugs.”

  Arykah didn’t argue. For once Lance was correct.

  She lay still for fifteen seconds, then reached over and caressed Lance’s behind.

  “After what you did tonight, don’t even think about it.”

  Arykah knew it would probably be a long shot trying to arouse Lance. She turned over and went to sleep.

  Five

  At approximately 8:30 the next morning, Adonis answered a knock on the front door. He looked through the peephole and saw two African American female police officers, dressed in blue uniforms, standing on his porch.

  “Monique !”

  She had just gotten out of the shower. Monique walked into the living room wrapped in a terry cloth robe and wearing a shower cap on her head. She saw Adonis standing at the front door. His hand was on the doorknob. Monique frowned at
the horrid expression on his face. “Who’s at the door?”

  “Two cops.”

  Monique’s expression matched her husband’s. “What?” She went to Adonis, removed his hand from the doorknob, and opened the front door herself.

  “Monique Cortland?” the taller of the two officers asked.

  Monique became nervous. “Yes. Can I help you?”

  The same officer who confirmed Monique’s identity extended her a sheet of paper. “We have a warrant for your arrest.”

  Adonis’s eyes grew wide. “What is this about?”

  The shorter officer entered the home and addressed Adonis. “Sir, please step aside.”

  Monique read the warrant. Her heart started to race.

  “Why are you arresting her?” Adonis asked.

  The taller officer entered the home and spoke to Adonis. “She’s under arrest for the assault and battery against a Miss Angela Moore.”

  “Oh my God,” Monique cried out.

  The taller officer read Monique the Miranda Rights. “Monique Cortland, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law.”

  Monique looked at Adonis as tears spilled from her eyes.

  “You have the right to an attorney,” the officer continued. “If you can’t afford an attorney, the court will provide an attorney for you. Do you understand these rights?”

  Monique didn’t answer.

  “Can she get dressed before you take her away?” Adonis asked.

  “That’ll be fine,” the shorter officer said.

  Adonis attempted to take Monique by the hand and lead her to the bedroom.

  “Sir, you stay here,” the shorter officer demanded. “I’ll go with her.”

  Ten minutes later Monique emerged from the bedroom dressed in blue jeans and a red tank top with blue flip-flops on her feet. Her knees buckled when the taller officer handcuffed her.