Just to See You Smile

by Sally John

  “Joel, you can’t tell me you haven’t been attracted to women.”

  “That’s a totally different thing, unrelated to emotions.”

  “That can’t be a totally different— What?”

  He was smiling again. “You’re such a princess, up in your ivory tower, protected from the world out there where physical attraction happens and it’s totally detached from the heart. It’s one of the most appealing things about you.”

  “I am not a princess! I’m just a girl from Podunk, as Gina would put it. Quite happy to stay put in my own little world.”

  “Well, whatever. All I know is that suddenly I’m mushy inside.”

  “That doesn’t sound very general-like.”

  “I know. My image is going down the tubes.”

  “I think you’ll ratchet up way-cool points with the ladies.”

  He reached across the table and took her hand. “There’s only one lady I care about. May I court you, Miss O? As publicly as the community can handle?”

  The brass band was blaring now, drowning out the warning that he was a likely candidate for breaking her heart. “I don’t think I have a choice, Mr. Kingsley.”

  Forty

  In the crowded church foyer after the service, Anne made a beeline for Lia, who had recently returned from her ten-day honeymoon. “Welcome home!” They exchanged a quick embrace.

  “Thank you.” The young woman’s dark eyes sparkled; her entire face glowed.

  “How was Hawaii?”

  “Absolutely gorgeous. Oh, the blue sky and flowers in the middle of January! It was heavenly.”

  Anne grinned. “I’m sorry I haven’t had a chance to stop by the store since you got back. I did check in on that substitute pharmacist.”

  “Did he do all right?”

  “He seemed fine. Not nearly as pretty as you, though. I think married life agrees with you!”

  “Anne, when does this go away? I mean, it must go away. All I can think about is Cal. I’m so grateful for Leslie.” She referred to her new pharmacist technician. “She’s caught five mistakes I’ve made on prescriptions in the two and a half days I’ve been back!”

  Though Anne felt her smile fade, she forced a perkiness she didn’t feel into her tone. “That’s the honeymoon phase. It’ll pass, but things get better…in a different way.” At least she had believed that for a long time. “You couldn’t live on the mountaintop forever.”

  “You’re right. I can hardly breathe up here, let alone dispense drugs! Is Britte all right? Cal filled me in this morning.”

  In spite of the horrible circumstances, Anne couldn’t help but smile. “I called her before church. Joel Kingsley fixed her breakfast.”

  Lia’s eyebrows shot up.

  “This was after he spent the night in her recliner, making sure she was safe.”

  “Certain tongues are going to wag.”

  “Wait until they hear that they have a dinner date tonight.”

  Lia giggled. “It’s times like these I wish Dot still worked in the store so I knew what was going on. Speaking of which, how’s your new job?”

  “It’s great.” The rest of my life is falling apart, but the job is great.

  “I’m glad to hear that, though I miss you at the store.” She squeezed her hand. “I’d better go. I know Cal’s hungry. See you later.”

  “Bye.”

  I miss me, too.

  “Hey, Annie-banannie.” Val was at her elbow.

  “Hi, stranger.” She hugged the friend she seldom had time to even catch on the phone these days. They quickly caught up on tidbits concerning the kids. “Val, you look well. You okay?”

  She nodded, her curls bouncing. “Most days. I only cry three times a week now and only at night.”

  Anne smiled softly. “Progress.”

  “You bet. Anyway, I’m taking the girls into Rockville this afternoon. It’s our only time to shoe shop. I know Sunday’s your family day, so you probably don’t want to come?”

  “No. Thanks, though. Actually Sunday has turned into a major catch-up day. The washer and dryer go nonstop.”

  “Maybe you won’t miss Alec then.” Val winced. “I was talking about a plumbing problem, and he said it’s no big deal, he could show Jason how to take care of it. I’m sure it’s not what Jason had in mind for a Sunday afternoon, but his other choice is to hang out with us girls. So is it all right if Alec does surrogate father?”

  “Of course it’s all right.” They chatted for a bit longer, until the lump forming in Anne’s throat cut off her voice.

  “Where’s Mom?” Alec folded the Sunday newspaper and put down the footrest of the recliner.

  His three children were scattered about the family room, their attention focused on the TV. Only Drew replied, and it was with a shrug. The video they watched was G-rated, which was probably why he had heard the question.

  “Drew.”

  “Huh?”

  “Thanks for participating.”

  Drew turned toward him with an exaggerated look of astonishment on his face. “Why, Dad, whatever do you mean? I love watching animated characters sing and dance and restructure historical fact.”

  Alec laughed and walked past him, ruffling his son’s hair.

  He found Anne upstairs in their room, sitting in bed with a book.

  “Annie, are you sick?” He walked over and sat on the edge, facing her. Her short hair still grabbed him unawares at first glance, causing him to take a split second to orient himself to the fact that this person was indeed his wife. He hoped she didn’t notice.

  “I’m not sick, just exhausted.”

  “That’s not like you.”

  She glared at him.

  Wrong thing to say. She hadn’t been herself all day, though. He felt as if an invisible wall hung between them, allowing them only to get so close. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “Not really.” She removed her reading glasses. Her eyes were dark.

  “I think we should. I miss you.”

  “You have a funny way of showing it.”

  He wrinkled his brow, puzzled.

  “Oh, think about it, Alec. Friday night, Drew’s game. You sat with Kevin, as usual. Saturday our paths didn’t even cross except when I got kicked out of the girls game. You played racquetball while I played chauffeur. Today, the kids sat between us in church. You spent the afternoon with Jason, which I know was really important, a priority. But mean-while I caught up on housework and helped Amy with a math project that I truly did not understand.”

  “The kids are off tomorrow. I’m home. We could have done all that then. Remember, you don’t have to be Super-woman!”

  “You’re missing the point.”

  His temper was doing a slow burn. “Enlighten me.”

  “Not that much has changed. We’ve lived like this for years. I’m just beginning to recognize it. You didn’t miss me before because I didn’t acknowledge that we’re really not first in each other’s lives. You made it very clear yesterday on the phone when you said ‘sweetheart’ to whomever was on the other end. Now that I see where I stand with you, I’m tired of pretending. I have better things to do. Like read this book.” She put her glasses back on and propped the book on her knees.

  He said “sweetheart” on the phone? His temper gave way to a solid knot of dread pressing against his ribs. “Come on. We have to talk about what’s bothering you. We’ve never gone to bed mad at each other.”

  “I’m not mad, Alec. I’m just being realistic. And probably unemotional because I am so tired. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to talk about it tonight. Are you mad?”

  Disgruntled. Confused. Scared to death. “Upset.”

  “I am too.” She stared back at him. “But we can’t fix it tonight.”

  “We’ll talk…Thursday.”

  “There’s a new art class starting Thursday night. Charlie said I can join it, no cost. I—I think it’s something I need to do. For now.”

  Who was this woman with t
he short black hair? Didn’t her eyes used to be gray?

  Forty-One

  Sunday night Joel took Britte into Rockville, to a Chinese restaurant because it was her favorite. He wanted to spoil the girl who diligently chipped away at the brick wall surrounding his heart just by showing up. When she smiled at him or touched his arm, large chunks fell away. Their crashing threatened to trigger another migraine, but so far he was handling things fine. One step at a time.

  They lingered over the meal, slowly opening up, making discoveries about each other.

  “His name was Eric.” Those singular eyes of hers focused elsewhere as she talked of her old boyfriend.

  “What happened?”

  “He was from Detroit, where his family ran some business related to the auto industry. He had no intentions other than going back and joining them after graduation. I had no intentions of doing anything but teaching in the Rockville area, preferably in Valley Oaks.” She shrugged. “Somewhere along the way we had missed that about each other.”

  “But you were engaged?”

  Again she shrugged, attempting to make light of what must have been a painful situation. “It was a beautiful diamond. Really too large for my tastes. I think the family business was a prosperous one. How about you?”

  “Engaged once, mostly long distance. I’d been in the Marines for a while when I thought I wanted to get married. When I got out, she…changed her mind.” Should he tell her now? On their first official date? Casually mention over the mu shoo pork and wonton that he had killed a fellow Marine? That Marti had dumped him like yesterday’s newspaper? “Mind if we save that story for another time?”

  She reached over and traced a finger along his cheek. “Is it the ’things’ you referred to this morning?”

  He nodded.

  “Are you getting a headache?”

  “No. I’m good.”

  “Do you have those often?”

  “When I’m stressed, which is why I do my utmost to avoid stress, keep my life cut and dry, stick to a master activity list every day.”

  “That’s why you’re neurotically organized.” She smiled.

  He chuckled, remembering her accusation when she had stormed into his office. “And why I disassociate myself from feeling too much.” The compassion on her face sent his heart into a double-time beat. “It’s why I pulled away.”

  “Then why are we here, Joel? On a date? Why would you even consider this…this wooing?”

  “Because…the tension of not pursuing this was becoming unbearable.”

  After dinner Joel followed Britte into her house to say goodnight. Though she wished the evening wouldn’t end, they both admitted they were too spent to stay awake much longer.

  She unbuttoned her long coat. “Joel, dinner was great. Thank you so much.”

  “You’re welcome.” He looked at her, his exhaustion showing plainly on his solemn face. “Uh, I’m not sure about the rules of engagement here.”

  She laughed. “That sounds like a military term. What on earth are you talking about?”

  His eyes were at half-mast. “What I mean is, in this Christian wooing business, is kissing acceptable on a first date?”

  She laughed more loudly. “You haven’t dated since you’ve been a Christian?”

  “No, that’s not it. I just haven’t dated a Christian, not a true-blue, dyed-in-the-wool one like you.”

  “And exactly how long have you been a Christian?”

  “Seven years.”

  Overcome now with giggles, she leaned against the door. “No wonder you get migraines, Mr. Kingsley. I think you’re desperate for female companionship!”

  “Now you sound like Sam, my spiritual mentor.”

  “Maybe you should call and ask him about the rules of engagement.” She crossed her arms, trying to hold in the snickering.

  “Hey, I’m being vulnerable here. The least you could do is stop laughing at me.”

  “Joel, we’ve already kissed!”

  “That was different. That was unofficial.”

  “You are an enigma, but then I’ve been saying that for a long time. Now that I think about it, we should forego the kiss. Since you’re in this desperate mode, I think maybe you’d kiss anybody walking by in a skirt. We really should hold off until you’re sure.”

  He stared at her for a full minute. “You’re getting sassy and I’m bushed. I’ll see you tomorrow. We’ll go over those game tapes.” He squeezed her shoulder and opened the door. “Goodnight.”

  Still chuckling, she told him goodnight, shut the door behind him, and abruptly stopped laughing. A wave of disappointment washed over her. How had she managed to chase him away? She really was too mouthy at the most inappropriate times.

  She yanked off her long black boots, hung up her coat in the closet, checked the answering machine in the kitchen, turned off the lights, and started down the hallway. Well, so what if she was mouthy? That was just the way she was. Her mother hadn’t managed to change her in 29 years. She certainly wasn’t going to roll over and play nicey-nice because a man who 99 percent of the time behaved like a general couldn’t handle it!

  The doorbell rang and her heart leapt into her throat. She took a deep breath. Gordon Hughes would not ring the doorbell. And besides, Cal had him locked up.

  She went back into the living room and flipped on a light. At the door, she peeked through the curtain covering the narrow window alongside it. Joel stood on the stoop.

  She opened the door. Without a word, he stepped inside and shut it. His eyes never left hers, the glint in them a tangible force that prevented her from speaking.

  He cupped her face in his hands, and then he kissed her…rather…deliberately.

  He raised his head slightly and announced in his low General’s grumble, “We’re going to have to work on that sassy attitude of yours, Miss O.”

  He walked out the door, once again leaving her speechless.

  Forty-Two

  Anne nestled against Alec, in his arms. They stood in the kitchen. He had already been outside to start the car so it would be warm for her.

  “Thanks for the bagel and coffee,” she said. He had made an effort to treat her sweetly that morning.

  “You’re welcome. Annie, I didn’t mean to say sweetheart. I didn’t even know I did it.”

  She felt herself stiffen. “You sound like Drew. ‘I didn’t mean to punch him. I didn’t even hear Britte tell us to stop.’”

  He kissed the top of her head and drew back, dropping his arms. “Okay, okay. I’ll work on taking responsibility for my actions.”

  She pulled on her gloves. “Alec, I don’t want to be your mother. I only told you because it hurt my feelings.” Not to mention that it clarified where I stand with you. But she wasn’t going there. It was time to leave for work.

  “It’s all right. I deserved that one.”

  “Who was she anyway?”

  “Tracy.”

  “Ahh, the cute, bubbly, young one.”

  “Well, you wouldn’t want me calling just anyone ‘sweet-heart,’ would you?”

  “Nope.” She put her hand on the doorknob.

  “I didn’t mean anything by it.”

  “Alec, I know that.” She looked over her shoulder at him. “Which translates that it doesn’t mean anything when you call me that. So,” she shrugged, “let’s stop pretending and move on.”

  He swallowed. “I’m sorry.”

  She went to him and kissed his cheek. “Bye.”

  “Bye. Be careful. I’ll put the rest of those Christmas boxes in the attic today.”

  Right. She’d heard that one before.

  Alec trudged up the narrow staircase with the last of the boxes packed with ornaments. He walked across the attic to the designated Christmas corner, sneezing on the dust swirled into motion with his footsteps.

  The attic was unfinished business, with exposed rafters beneath the slanted roofline and only half the floor area covered with boards. The walls were insulation
packed between the studs. However, there were two nice dormer windows overlooking the front yard. The space would make a great playroom. Of course, the kids were almost grown out of playrooms. Amy thought it’d be perfect for sleepovers, though. All it needed was a floor, ceiling, walls, bathroom, and, she added, why not a kitchenette?

  That knot of dread had grown overnight and was now twisting, demanding attention. He shuffled over to another corner and sat on a trunk.

  How was it the kids had outgrown a playroom before he had had time to build it? If he started today, Mandy might enjoy it for a few months, before she got caught up next year in middle school and stopped playing dress-up or imaginary classroom or with dolls. Maybe if he created it, though, she wouldn’t stop playing those games. She could keep pretending.

  Alec propped an elbow on his knee and put his hand against his face in time to catch the sob. What did Annie mean, she was tired of pretending? Their life was good together. They were busy, productive people. They were friends. Friends that confided, friends that spent time together— Yes, they spent time together!

  Another thought nagged. Oh, Lord.

  He closed his eyes and let it develop.

  Their time together…their alone time together was…limited. Limited? One Thursday night date in how many years? Make that infrequent. No, truth be told, their alone time was nonexistent. Is that what she meant, that she wasn’t first in his life? That he wasn’t in hers? That she wanted to quit pretending that they were and get on with other things? What other things?

  She had sprouted wings because she had been pushed from the nest, her Valley Oaks nest. And yes, he had encouraged it. He had panicked, imagining their growing needs and feeling like a failure as a provider when the promotion didn’t happen. He had taken his eyes off of God, the One who had always met their needs.

  I’m sorry, Lord! Make it right again. Make us right again. Annie’s my everything. How do I show her that?