Leaving Liberty

by Virginia Carmichael

  Marie’s words came back to her in a rush. Will you take all the love you have for me and spread it around? It wasn’t what she wanted to do. She wanted to hold it tight inside, deep down where no one could touch it. But Marie had been wiser than anyone she’d ever known. Daisy knew that holding on to her love for Marie would make it twisted, tarnishing it with selfishness.

  Taking a deep breath, she walked toward the counter. Rocky stood awkwardly to the side, waiting for Nancy to give him his change. His hair was gray and thin, and he had more wrinkles than she ever remembered. But something was different about the man she used to know. He looked up at her and she struggled to pin it down. In her memory his shoulders were slumped, eyes bleary. But now his posture was straight and there was a quickness in his gaze that was completely foreign to her. He was looking at her, really looking. Aside from their meeting in the garden, it was the only time she’d ever met his eyes and seen any real awareness there. She realized how much courage it took to for Rocky look her in the face and she respected that. It wasn’t an emotion she’d ever associated with him before.

  “Did you want to sit with us and have some coffee?” It came out a little faster than she intended.

  His mouth dropped. Nancy’s expression was a perfect match, her eyes gone wide.

  “I’d like that,” he said. His voice cracked on the last word and he cleared his throat. He looked like he was trying to decide whether to add something else, then the words rushed out. “If you don’t mind, you don’t have to, but I’d like to buy you doughnuts and coffee. If that’s all right.”

  Daisy nodded. His nervousness was right on target because two weeks ago she would rather have gone hungry than let him pay for anything of hers. She would have rather eaten out of the gutter than take anything from the man who had neglected her when she’d needed him most. Things had changed. She had changed. She could accept his small gesture with grace and humility.

  As they settled at the café table, the conversation was stilted and a bit awkward but Daisy felt something shift deep inside. It was an easing, an unfolding of something that had been so tightly bound that she had lost feeling. Like a string wrapped too tightly around her finger, it had hurt and then gone numb, until she hadn’t even noticed she was wounded. Loosening the binds, the pain rushed in, but it brought new life.

  She looked up, into the eyes of the man she had once hated with all her strength, and smiled.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Lane waited outside the doors of the church, adjusting his cuffs and wishing he hadn’t worn a tie. He felt ridiculous. Too dressy. He wore a tie every Sunday, but he couldn’t shake the self-consciousness today. The sun had come out for the first time in days and he should be thrilled, but he was too nervous to feel much of anything.

  “Hi, Lane. Come on in!” Nita waved at him from the side of the steps. Rocky was with her, gray hair brushed back and wearing a nice jacket. He whispered something in Nita’s ear and she nodded in understanding. “Never mind, see you inside!”

  As they passed through the doors, Lane heaved a sigh. The entire place knew he was waiting for Daisy and Ana. He must look like a groom stranded at the altar. Wait, no. He shook the wedding analogy from his head. Altar, yes. Groom, no.

  “I’m so sorry we’re late,” Daisy said, rushing up the sidewalk and taking the steps two at a time. “There was so much mud in the driveway, Ana’s rental got stuck. We got it out, but mud was everywhere and I had to change.”

  He grinned, reaching out to wipe a small dot of mud from her cheek. “Looks like country living isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

  “Got that right.” She smoothed down her hair and straightened her dress. It was pale green and some sort of soft, flowing material. The top was fitted but below a thin belt, it swished gently around her knees. She caught his appraising glance and asked, “Is this okay? Do you think I should have worn something longer? I don’t have many outfits and the dress I was wearing this morning is soaking in the sink. I don’t want your mom to think I don’t dress up for church.”

  He felt his grin widen. She was just as nervous as he was. “My mom wears pants most of the time. They’re not the kind of people who care too much how you look when you come to church. Just sing loudly and they’ll be happy.”

  She nodded, eyes losing a bit of anxiety. Her hair was swept up, leaving softly curling tendrils around her face. It reminded him of the picture Marie had kept on her desk, from when Daisy had been in high school. She was older now, in a way that showed in the confident way she carried herself, but the shy smile was the same. He wanted to reach out and tuck a curl behind her ear but kept his hands in his pockets.

  “You look beautiful, by the way.”

  “Oh.” Her cheeks went pink. “Well…”

  “You can just say thank you.”

  She glared. “Yes, thank you. I was trying to decide whether to compliment you on getting out of the flannel shirt and ratty ball cap.”

  “Ratty? It’s my favorite cap.” Okay, so it had seen better days. Many better days. A long time ago.

  “I’m here!” Ana rushed up, her sweater in one hand and purse in the other. “There wasn’t a parking space until the next block. This church must be packed.”

  The bells in the tower sounded far above their heads, the deep tones resonating in the air.

  “That’s our cue. My parents are up on the left, toward the front.” He strode to the door and waved them in. “After you, ladies.”

  Ana stepped through and Daisy followed, the light scent of her perfume reaching him. His heart lifted as they entered the red-carpeted foyer and the organist played the first chords of an old hymn. It would be fine, nothing to it. Friends, family and tradition, all in one spot. He couldn’t help the smile that spread over his face. The future was completely uncertain, but for this one hour, he would do his best to stay in the moment. In the end, it was all he had anyway.

  ***

  Daisy followed Ana, Lane’s parents and Lane out the church doors and down the wide steps, Liberty residents to her left and her right. So many familiar faces. Some faces came paired with names, some jarred memories and feelings loose from the dusty places she’d kept them on the shelves of her heart. Last week she’d tried not to meet anyone’s gaze and left as soon as the last hymn was sung. Now she was part of that after-church crowd that huddled in small groups at the foot of the steps, smiling and greeting, acting like just one more Liberty resident.

  Lane listened to an old man complain about the flood ruining all the best fishing holes and rested a hand on Daisy’s back, like an afterthought. The warmth of his fingers seemed to unlock something inside and she took a deep breath. He glanced at her, a question in his eyes. She nodded, letting her body relax from its rigid posture.

  Two years ago she never could have imagined standing in this crowd and feeling anything less than fury and shame. Even a month ago, the tightness in her throat would have kept her from speaking. It was different now and it made so very little sense. Marie was her protector, her confidant, her cheerleader. She’d thought that without Marie, Liberty would be a nightmare. So why did she feel so at home?

  Brushing the hair from her eyes, Daisy scanned the church goers, struggling to pinpoint what was different. Ana was telling a story to Lane’s dad about Fresno traffic. Lane’s mom was hugging a group of women, one by one. Rocky emerged from the big double doors, Nita at his side. Daisy felt her eyes go wide. She shot a glance at Lane.

  “What?” He leaned down, whispering in her ear, his breath tickling the fine hairs at her temple.

  “Do Rocky and Nita always go to church together?”

  “Mm-hm.” He straightened up and gave her a wink.

  Well, of all the strange events she’d thought today would bring, a Rocky/Nita romance wasn’t one of them. She watched them come nearer, Rocky studiously avoiding her gaze and Nita’s cheeks a bit pinker than usual. Her gray hair was brushed into waves and a soft coral outfit made her seem more approa
chable than her usual, no-nonsense library attire.

  “Hi, Lane.” Rocky put out a hand and they shook. There was an awkward moment where she wondered if Rocky was going to pretend she wasn’t there, but he darted a look at her and she smiled. If they could sit at Nancy’s and chat over doughnuts with Ana, they could certainly greet each other after church.

  “Isn’t the sunshine wonderful?” Okay, it wasn’t the most brilliant comment ever. They were learning how to talk to each other, one awkward conversation at a time.

  “We need a few more weeks of this so the ground can dry out,” Rocky agreed. “What are you two up to today?”

  Daisy tilted her head toward Lane’s parents and Ana. “Lane says he’s cooking us something wonderful. I’m afraid to ask for details.”

  Rocky chuckled. “This guy can out-cook most of Liberty. Just you wait. His specialty is barbeque and you’ll be spoiled for life after you taste his baby back ribs.”

  Nita joined in. “He’s good with baking, too. Those white chocolate macadamia nut cookies are my favorite.”

  “Cookies? You didn’t say anything about cookies.” Just the thought of them made her mouth water. “It sounds like you two have eaten plenty of meals over at Lane’s house.”

  They exchanged glances. “No, but we go to the cabin quite a bit.”

  “Really? But I haven’t seen…” Daisy’s voice trailed off as she realized why they hadn’t been around. Of course, Lane wouldn’t be entertaining on the big deck that faced the mountains and the river when Daisy was sitting inside. Her face went hot.

  Lane cleared his throat and started to speak, but Daisy put a hand on his arm. “Why don’t we all eat at the cabin? It’s such a beautiful day. Unless your backyard is better.”

  “No, not better.” He paused, obviously unsure what to say.

  “I mean, all of us.” Daisy motioned to Rocky and Nita. “Unless you two have something planned.”

  Rocky’s face lit with a slow smile. “What should we bring?”

  “I think Jamie’s got the dessert covered and my mom will make potato salad. What about some veggies and dip?”

  Ana walked over and cocked her head. “This is becoming a party. You might as well schedule the library fundraiser for tonight and get it over with.”

  She was kidding, but Nita held up a finger. “I’ve been meaning to say that we should move the fundraiser up to this next weekend.”

  “But we’ve hardly planned anything.” Daisy’s heart skipped a beat. She’d been so wrapped up in writing grants, she hadn’t really worked on the events yet.

  “There’s not much planning to do. We rent the dunk tank, the cotton candy machine, pull the booths out of storage, and everyone shows up for a good time. Most of the vendors are available at short notice.” Nita paused, look up at the bright blue sky. “I just have a bad feeling about all this rain. I don’t want to wait and get rained out in a few weeks.”

  “The seven day forecast says a chance of showers the middle of the week, but dry after that. I think you’re right about changing the date,” Lane said.

  Grabbing Daisy’s elbow, Ana squealed. “That means I get to help! I want to run the face painting booth!”

  She couldn’t help laughing at her enthusiasm. So much of this summer had been stressful and she hadn’t really been looking forward to running the library festival, even if it brought in funds that could help with repairs. “As long as Officer Bennett is available for the dunk tank, I think it just might work.”

  “At your service, as always.” His lips tugged up and Daisy felt the heat rise in her cheeks. The last time he’d used those words, he’d followed them with a kiss.

  “I guess we’ll meet you out at the cabin?” Rocky cut through the moment and something in his voice carried a note of warning.

  “Right. We’ll start grilling around five.”

  “See you then,” Nita said, already tugging Rocky down the sidewalk. “I’d better head to Pack-n-Produce.”

  Daisy watched them go, letting the chatter of the others cover her confusion. Maybe it was as obvious to everyone else that she and Lane had feelings for each other. But why would Rocky be so against it? An unsettling idea took root in her mind. Nita had once said she wasn’t Lane’s type, he needed someone who could care for a family. Lane’s dad said that Nita liked to use reverse psychology, but maybe she’d really meant it. Did Rocky think she wasn’t suited for marriage or raising kids because of the way he’d raised her? The long years of neglect stretched in her memory and tears prickled at her eyes.

  The next moment, she felt irritation shove the pain to the side. Who cared what anyone thought about her ability to cook, clean, and rock babies? She was leaving Liberty in a month. Worrying about who Lane would choose for a partner was as useless as worrying about the sun setting. Lane would find his perfect match and it wasn’t going to be Daisy McConnell.

  ***

  “This dinner is quite the hat trick.” Lane’s dad nudged his son with an elbow. The both looked across the deck at the group assembled haphazardly on the lawn. The sun was still determined to shine, even though gray clouds scudded across the sky every so often.

  “I had nothing to do with it.” He couldn’t keep his gaze from wandering toward Daisy. The badminton net was barely holding upright in the soft earth but she, Ana, Jamie and Tom were battling a doubles match to the death. She laughed, head thrown back, and his breath caught. She was so beautiful and so happy.

  “Oh, no?” His dad took a sip of his cola and frowned. He gestured toward Rocky and Nita as they set the long tables with paper plates and napkins. “I figured you brought those two together. Rocky is your friend; he listens to you.”

  “It was part of his twelve step program, but honestly, it’s all Daisy.” Lane spoke quietly. “I just never imagined she could offer him the forgiveness he needed. I prayed it would happen. I hoped it would happen. But I just never thought it would.” He shrugged, and flipped the burgers one by one. Soft hissing sounded as the juices dripped down onto the charcoal briquettes.

  “She’s quite a girl.” He watched them playing for a few minutes, the laughter echoing around the yard. Jamie’s two little boys were pushing large dump trucks through the soft dirt at the side of the grass.

  “She definitely is.” Lane shifted, not wanting to talk about how wonderful Daisy was. Some things were just too obvious to be said.

  “And she really likes you.”

  He sighed. He knew this had been coming. He nudged a patty with the spatula and said nothing.

  “I don’t think you should hold her past against her. If you can see Rocky for the man he is, then Daisy should get a fresh start, too.”

  Lane turned, speechless for a moment. “Is that what you think? That I hold a rotten childhood against her? That I wouldn’t consider her,” he jerked his head toward the beautiful woman on the lawn, “good enough for me?”

  His dad looked uncomfortable. “Well, it must be something because you are bound and determined to keep her at arm’s length.”

  Lane snorted. Arm’s length. More than a few times he’s had her a lot closer than that and he wouldn’t ever forget it. “Maybe you should consider the fact that she’s leaving for Fresno in a few weeks. Nobody wants a long distance relationship anymore. And even if she said yes to dating a man thousand miles away, in the end we’d have to choose where to live.”

  He took another sip of cola and looked out toward the mountains. “And you’d never leave Liberty?”

  Lane opened his mouth to respond but he realized he wasn’t sure what the answer was anymore. A month ago he would have said he’d never leave. Now, never sounded like a pretty long time.

  “Son, your mom and I never thought we’d leave but then your brother died. We needed a fresh start. We still love this place, the cabin, the people. We just can’t be here all the time.” His voice was rough. Years later, saying Colt’s name was still hard for him.

  They stood in silence for a moment, lost in though
t. The sound of laughter from the badminton game mixed with chatter between Nita and Lane’s mom. Rocky was crouched down next to the boys, helping scrape mud into a loader with a stick.

  “Are you telling me to leave? To go live in a concrete jungle where you can get stuck in traffic for most of the evening?” The thought of it made his head ache.

  “Not at all. I’m just saying that Liberty is bigger than this little town. These people, our people, have roots all through the mountains. Maybe you two could find a place you both are happy.”

  His gaze sought out Daisy and she turned, as if feeling the weight of his thoughts. She was smiling, racket raised, hair escaping from her ponytail. He swallowed and dropped his gaze to the barbeque. “The idea is great and wonderful, but she’s never once said she was thinking of staying in Liberty.”

  There had been that off-hand comment to the city manager, but he was fairly sure Daisy had meant it as an empty threat.

  “Maybe you should ask her.” Lane’s dad clapped a hand on his shoulder and leaned closer. “Life is too short for regrets,” he said. He turned and walked toward the long tables, set and ready for the meal.

  Regrets. He regretted not answering Colt’s phone calls and he regretted them with every fiber of his being. He knew all too much about regret.

  Sliding the spatula under the hamburger patties, he transferred them to the platter. If he never asked, would he regret it for the rest of his life? He’d been so worried about having his heart broken that he’d focused on trying to avoid her. Eventually he’d accepted the fact he was going to get hurt when Daisy left Liberty. Knowing she and Rock had reconciled was a real comfort and he had clung to that.

  He turned off the flame and stood there by the grill for a moment, gathering his thoughts. It was so much more complicated than a heart ache. He could bear that. Regret was something he never wanted to deal with again. Ever. Maybe letting Daisy go without telling her what he felt, without asking her to stay, was a certain recipe for the one emotion he couldn’t endure.