Danger On the Run

by Wylder Stone

  Jackson didn’t get to finish and say since her mom died because Ruby had had enough. “Stop it, all of you. Stop fighting.”

  “Sorry, kid,” Jackson said, his expression full of regret. “Let’s head over to the pet store. You can pick out anything you want.”

  “I don’t want anything else.” This time, Ruby stood, tears streaming. “I don’t want to love another thing. It hurts too badly, right, Dad? That’s why you don’t smile anymore. It just…hurts.”

  James’s heart sank. Her words pierced his heart in such a way he didn’t think he could breathe. Is that what she really thought of him and how he lived?

  “Ru…”

  “It’s true though, right?” the little girl continued, a sob breaking through her words. “That’s why you don’t love anything anymore.”

  James just stood there, his mouth moving but absent of words. All eyes were on him, and he knew those sullen looks were as much for him as they were for Ruby’s broken heart. He was speechless. He couldn’t lie to her and say she was wrong because he didn’t know if she was wrong.

  “Vivi?” Ruby cried. “I need you right now. You understand.”

  “Oh, honey.” Genevieve stood, stroking Ruby’s hair, trying to comfort her. “You’ve got me, kiddo.” Genevieve tossed a pained look over her shoulder at James and followed Ruby out of the room.

  The brothers looked around at each other, each waiting for the other to say something.

  “What do we do?” Derek asked, breaking the silence.

  “I don’t think there’s anything we can do,” Jackson replied. “She didn’t even want to pick out a new pet.”

  Derek rolled his eyes. “Because the other one just died, Jacks.”

  “She…” James tossed his head back and searched the ceiling as if the answers were all there waiting for him. “She needs time. That’s all.”

  “Yeah…to grieve,” Jackson agreed. “Then maybe we take her to the pet store.”

  “No,” Troy corrected. “The shelter. We can rescue a dog this time. She’s older. She can handle it. She’s great with Killer. He’s in there with her now, actually. I saw him get up from his dog bed and follow them to Ru’s room.”

  Derek nodded. It made sense, and he was on board. “How long do we wait. When will she be ready? After Bob’s ashes come back?”

  Jackson looked at James. “Maybe we can have a little service for him in the rooftop garden?”

  Genevieve walked back into the living room but stopped when she saw all eyes on James. He looked as though he was reliving his own personal hell and about to totally lose his shit.

  “I don’t know,” James finally answered. “I don’t know when or if it’s supposed to get better or easier. Saying goodbye…it doesn’t fix any of it. It’s just always there.”

  When James walked off and left the apartment, his brothers reacted with regret. Despite thinking he was in a better place all these years later, they’d triggered him. He was back at that moment, wanting to feel something again, something that didn’t hurt. There were muffled oh shits going around the room. None of his brothers knew how to fix whatever he was going through at that moment. They were about to lose their brother again, to grief, and there was no telling if they’d see an ounce of the man they knew again after this. Over a chinchilla. Over loss. Over everything that was going wrong when nothing seemed to be going right. This could be his final straw.

  James found himself on the rooftop, as he often did when he needed to clear his mind or feel closer to his wife. It was her favorite place in the building. Therefore, it became his. It was a different world up there. You could see the bustling city all around to one side, the ocean disappearing in the distance on the other side. It was quiet, you could hear yourself think up there, and it felt like the clouds were within reach. It was peaceful.

  With his foot on the ledge and his arms slung over the railing, he recalled what Ruby had said. She didn’t want to love anything else and thought he understood that. That was what she saw in him, what she had learned from him. It hurt him that she felt that way. It nearly killed him that he taught her to feel that way.

  Guilt was a daily occurrence for James. He never felt like he was doing anything right as a father, brother, son, friend…husband. Guilt consumed him when he saw the way everyone looked at him, that they pitied him, and he couldn’t be more for them. But the moment he gave in to joy and let go of the pain, even for a moment, he felt guilty for feeling anything but grief for his wife. Like he was letting her down by being happy.

  Sure, he knew he was being ridiculous with his mixed bag of emotions, but there wasn’t a rule book. There wasn’t a guide to any of this. How do you act when you lose the most important person in your life before you get to live out your hopes and dreams? When someone like that dies, part of you dies. It’s like living as half a person.

  All of his hopes and dreams included Hannah. Without her, they were nothing. Right? That’s how it felt when you didn’t know life any other way but with the person you lost. Now he’d passed on all of those questions and pain to their daughter because he didn’t know how to be a father if he wasn’t a husband too. Hannah was their whole life, and she was gone. There was no filling that void. Life just stood still.

  “What am I doing, Hannah?” he said out loud as he often did. “It’s been so many years, and I still don’t know what to do without you. It feels like it just happened, despite the time.”

  He dropped his foot from the ledge and stood with his hands in his pockets, smiling as he watched the waves break on the sandy beach. “Ruby is amazing. She’s growing so fast, too fast.” He laughed.

  “You probably know that, though, right?” He looked at the sky, leaning against the railing. “You’re up there watching, right? Yeah, you are. I feel you around us. You see her…us.”

  “She really is the spitting image of my sister. She has Lyla’s fire and stubbornness. She’s such a redhead.” He shook his head and laughed. “Blazing redheaded Ruby. I don’t think she’ll ever outgrow that.”

  “She has your sass, though.” He watched the ground, his foot rolling over a small rock as he continued. “She has your grace and kindness too. She’s an old soul who loves hard, just like you.”

  He took a deep breath and looked out at the ocean again. “Until today. I’m messing up. I’m doing this all wrong, Hannah. Ruby’s had too much of me and not enough of you, and I’m so bad at this.

  “Bob died today out of the blue. Oddly, I’m kind of sad about it. A chinchilla.” He laughed at the idea. “I know it’s just a pet, but he was her comfort when you left. He kept a smile on her face when I couldn’t. He helped her miss you better and with fewer tears when I couldn’t.

  “I still can’t. I don’t know what I’m doing, except ruining every bit of good you left her. She doesn’t want to love anything. That’s what I’ve taught her.” There was anger in his words, anger at himself. “She said the words, Hannah, she said I don’t love anymore, and she isn’t wrong. I love her. I love the family even though they’re hard to love sometimes.”

  He paused as if he wasn’t sure what he was leading up to. “It’s like everything after you – there’s no room for it. Nobody can come in. My heart…is too full and empty all at the same time. Like I can’t just love. I’m afraid to because the hurt gets easier, but the ache never leaves, Hannah. It never leaves.

  “There’s this guilt too. I can’t really explain it, but every time I think I need to move on, find happiness, or even smile, I remember. I remember that you’re gone, and it isn’t fair that you’re gone. You don’t get to be happy or smile. So why do I?

  “I don’t like feeling so distant from Ruby. God, there are days I miss her even after we were together all day. Doesn’t it make it easier for her, though? Easier for her if I am distant and something happens? I’m home more, take fewer risks, but tomorrow isn’t promised no matter how careful you are, and there’s always life’s what-ifs. She’s hurt enough to last a lifetim
e, and I don’t want her to ever hurt over me if…

  “Jesus, I’m bad at this. You were great at it. I don’t know how to do this without you.” He kicked that loose rock around a little more, thinking about what he was saying. “Even gone, you’re better at this. You still do everything right with her, even gone. How is that possible?”

  He let out a silent sob and wiped a lone tear from his cheek before running his hands through his hair. “What do I do, Hannah? Help me out here?”

  James turned back to where he started, foot on the ledge, arms draped over the railing, and he rested his head there and waited for guidance. He was desperate.

  “I thought I’d find you up here. You weren’t in the conference room, so…” Genevieve said from behind him. “You okay?”

  She stood next to him, draping her arms over the railing as he had, and waited for him to answer. He finally nodded.

  “She’s fine, James. She’s sad, but she’s fine,” she said, shaking her head in disbelief. “Ru’s a tough kid, and she didn’t mean what she said. She already regrets it.”

  “I wouldn’t blame her if she did mean it. I’m not exactly leading by great example here,” he replied softly.

  “You’re doing the best you can. You lost a lot too, you know,” Genevieve said. “You just need to decide how long you want to continue living on pause.”

  He looked at her like she’d said something horrific. “Decide? Like I have a choice?”

  “You always have a choice, James,” she said. “Had the roles been reversed, how would you have wanted Hannah to live on without you? Would you want her to feel like you do?”

  “No. Never,” he said adamantly. “I’d hate to be the source of…all that.”

  “Then?” she questioned. “Is this how she’d want you to honor her memory?”

  James didn’t say anything. Feelings weren’t his strong point. He was an operative tech genius who liked to sit at the helm of every case. Emotions, death, and all that went with those weren’t his forte.

  After a moment of silence between them, Genevieve went on. “So, we’re having a little movie night. I think Ruby’s tears had less to do with Bob and more to do with what he represented…her mom. She said she misses her, forgetting—”

  “Yeah, I know,” James interrupted, his tone curt. “You guys go ahead.”

  “We were thinking of having cake and some of Hannah’s favorite things to help her remember…”

  James turned to face her, his body leaning against the railing. “Yeah, I get it. Reminders help her remember – got it. I can’t stop remembering, so forgive me if I pass.” And he turned away, facing the water again.

  “Okay then,” Genevieve said, turning to walk away. “You know, Ruby said not to invite you, that it’ll just make you sad, and she can’t fix it. She is trying to take care of you rather than the other way around like it should be.”

  James’s jaw dropped, stunned by the audacity of her words but more so that they were his daughter’s. He shrugged in defeat, shook his head, and stared off.

  “I’m glad she can’t see you like this,” Genevieve said with disgust.

  James spun on his heels to face Genevieve, his anger obvious. “Ruby sees me like this every day.”

  “You’re right, but that’s not who I’m talking about,” Genevieve deadpanned. “Do you really think Hannah wanted you to live this way? To sulk and feel sorry for yourself day in and day out for the rest of your life? To treat people like you do?”

  “Sulk and feel sorry for myself?” James raised his voice, angry that Genevieve had been so insensitive. “My wife died, Genevieve. She died and left me to raise a daughter. A daughter, all by myself. Something I don’t know the first thing about. I don’t know what to do or what to say when all of these things happen to her.”

  “You don’t have to know what to say!” Genevieve shouted and threw her hands in the air in frustration. “There isn’t a script, James. Just listen to your heart and be there for her like everyone else.” She threw her hands up again. “You act like this only happened to you. It happened to all of us, including Ruby. A child. A child who has still managed to find a way to go on and be happy despite her absent dad.”

  “How am I supposed to be there for Ruby and pretend nothing happened when it did?” he argued.

  “You’re right. It did happen, and it was awful and unfair, but it happened.” Genevieve couldn’t hold back her despair. It was too overwhelming, and she’d held it in for too many years. “James, your wife died. She died! Not you! You’re still here, and you’re wasting so much time stuck in your own damn head, feeling sorry for yourself. It’s like you died too.”

  “Feeling sorry for myself? You’re right! My wife died!” he fired back, trying to excuse all of his behaviors. “She left me…us. Then I cheated on her! She wasn’t gone but a handful of months, and I…we...” James looked away. He couldn’t look Genevieve in the eye. “I did that…to my dead wife…because I felt sorry for myself. Now I live with that every single day.”

  “James.”

  “Then I have this girl. This angel of a girl, and all I see is her mother in her. She’s all I have left of her, and I’m ruining that too,” he continued, finally speaking his truth. Or what he thought to be his truth. “You’re right about everything, Genevieve. It’s like I died too because from the minute she was gone, I’ve not known who I was or who I am supposed to be. It was always us. The first thing I do as just me – is a night of…of…what you and I did! That’s who I am without her?”

  A long pause stood between them while Genevieve regained her composure. “No, James, that’s not who you are. We all lost someone we loved the day Hannah died. The difference is we all choose to live, not hide. You refuse to live. That’s who you are.”

  Genevieve turned and walked away. She didn’t look back because she didn’t want to see what her words did to him. More than that, she didn’t want him to see what they did to her.

  14

  It wasn’t long before James left the rooftop and made his way back downstairs to his apartment. When he walked in through the front door, he heard giggles coming from the living room – Genevieve and Ruby. It was far too much for him to deal with at the moment. He was still reeling from the ass chewing Genevieve had handed him.

  Standing in the middle of his bedroom, he looked around and realized nothing had changed since his wife passed. Everything was exactly as she had left it. Why hadn’t he changed it? It was like an odd tribute to her, a museum of memories. This really is unhealthy, he thought.

  He saw Hannah in every inch of the space, but the bed – that’s where he saw Genevieve, and it pained him with guilt. That night came flooding back to him as he thought about Genevieve’s words on the rooftop. Hannah had been gone for what felt like a minute, but it was really months and months past. Ruby had fallen ill – very ill – and he was dealing with it for the first time as a single parent.

  He was frightened, afraid to lose her too, and it left him feeling vulnerable and broken. When her fever finally broke and things started looking up, James broke down. It was another one of the many firsts – the first Christmas without his wife, the first round of birthdays without her, Ruby losing her first tooth, and the first major illness without her. Sounded strange, even to him, but having to deal with even the simplest of things for the first time, alone, took its toll. Ruby’s illness affected him, more so than most other things, because it had a potentially devastating outcome.

  He looked at the balcony off his bedroom and remembered standing out there twentysomething floors above the city, losing his shit. Genevieve found him there and consoled him as she often did. She was so good to them – to all of them, even Hannah before she passed. James and Genevieve had grieved together. He lost his wife. She lost her best friend. They had become like sisters. But, as Genevieve said, an hour or so earlier on the rooftop, she eventually chose to go on living like everyone else in their life had. James chose to stand still, numb, frozen i
n place for years.

  Hannah had been gone just over a year that night on the balcony. There had been a shift in the air. A sudden sense of desire that had never provoked them before engulfed them. Something sparked; it was like they each had something the other desperately needed to feel and maybe even heal.

  They acted on it with reckless abandon. What started as a night of emotional chaos ended as a night of libidinous passion. They spent the night wrapped in each other’s arms, trying to satisfy an insatiable craving. It was raw. It was all-consuming. It was beautiful.

  Everything felt right until he woke and saw his wife’s picture and realized what he had done in her home, her room, her bed. The guilt consumed him. He’d betrayed his wife. How could he have done that to her, replaced her so quickly? He had a responsibility to his wife – to raise their daughter, not look for love or even just sex.

  It hadn’t been just sex with Genevieve, though. Maybe the fact that it was more was what scared him the most. She wasn’t the kind of girl you have a one-night stand with. She was the kind of girl you loved and built a beautiful life with. She deserved that, at the very least.

  Genevieve was in his head. Everything she had said on the rooftop just played over and over. Would Hannah be disappointed in how he was behaving? Probably, but he didn’t know any other way to live, especially after living this way for so long. Maybe he did need to move on, leave the guilt behind. It didn’t have to mean he was leaving Hannah behind, did it?

  Wandering thoughts landed on Hannah and what she would have wanted for him. He knew what she wanted, at the very least, because she had told him before she left them. When her illness struck and everything was so tentative, she made her wishes clear. Just in case. She wanted him to be happy, didn’t want him to spend his life alone. It wasn’t obvious to him then because his loyalty to his wife clouded his thoughts and cloaked his heart. She wanted him to find love again.