Finding Insight

by Katherine Kim

  “But you don’t have to manage on your own if you don’t want to.” Sebastian took a moment to sort out how to get Gabe to talk to him as a human, not just when he wore his fox body. “You seem like a pretty cool guy, and Sarah called you a godsend not even an hour ago, so you must have been kicking some ass this morning. I’d like to think we could be friends eventually, but at least I hope you trust me to help you out if you need it. Are you sick or something?”

  Gabe huffed another mirthless laugh at his straw wrapper.

  “I don’t have friends,” Gabe said so quietly that Sebastian was glad his hearing was better than it should be.

  “You have us,” he answered. Something sad flickered across Gabe’s face and he shook his head.

  “No. You’re being really kind, I won’t lie. I don’t know why, either. But I do know that you’re a good person.” Gabe shrugged and took sip of his fresh tea. “I don’t get to have friends. Even my own family won’t have me, so why would anyone volunteer to have me around?” He shook his head. “No, nobody wants the freak. The cursed hell-spawn. The monster. Doesn’t matter what words are used, it’s all the same thing. You don’t have to worry, though. I’ll go once I’m steady again.”

  Dan came by and glanced at their faces before raising an eyebrow and wordlessly pouring Sebastian more tea. It was enough of a distraction that Sebastian could unclench his teeth and pry his fingers out of the fists they’d formed in his lap. Words from Sebastian’s own life rang through his mind. Monster! Freak! Get away from us, freak show! The sounds of rocks hitting his body and bouncing off his head thudded and echoed though his memories. Dan glanced at Sebastian and gave him a small nod before walking off to the back again.

  “When I was a kid,” Sebastian heard his own voice like he was just listening to the conversation rather than the one speaking. “I had a hard time understanding that I was… different. I…” How could he have this conversation without revealing too much? He took a deep breath and felt the weight of Gabe’s attention on him, though now it was Sebastian’s turn to be unable to look up.

  “I am different. My family has a… well, some genetic traits. They’re not very common, so when I talked about it to the kids at school, they didn’t believe me at first. Then once they decided to accept that I wasn’t making things up, it turned ugly.” Sebastian rubbed his shoulder where the first rock had glanced off his body.

  “What happened?” Gabe’s voice cut into the memory of shock and surprise. His friends, classmates… the other kids that he’d known for years by then, that he now was in kindergarten with in a school that should have been a shelter— they all turned on him at once. And that sort of thing isn’t something you just wave off.

  “I don’t know who threw the first rock, but I remember the words they used while they threw them. Monster. Freak-show. I barely remember my brother running up and grabbing me, physically carrying me out of the school and home. He ended up walking and carrying me piggyback most of the way. I was bleeding and crying and scared and so confused.”

  “Oh wow. Did the kids get in trouble?” Gabe asked. Sebastian glanced up at him and his eyes were huge. He shook his head and shrugged, trying to shake off the sourness those memories always stirred up. At least he didn’t flip out this time.

  “I don’t know. I didn’t leave the house again until we moved to New York City a few months later. Then that summer Kai and I came out here to stay with Obaachan at the Village. When I started first grade it was in a whole new school, in a whole new state, with a whole new respect for not talking about myself.”

  Gabe sat quietly and chewed on his bottom lip. He looked so damn young and fragile all of a sudden. Dan placed two bowls of steaming broth in front of them and a large plate of garnishes.

  “Ma says you both need to eat up,” Dan said and nodded again before walking away. Sebastian eyed his soup for a long moment, trying to determine what Ma had put in his bowl this time, then with a shrug reached for the garnishes.

  “I hate that word now,” he said quietly. “Monster. It brings up images of evil for evil’s sake. Ugliness and twisted blackness in a person’s soul. You shouldn’t apply it to yourself because it doesn’t describe yourself. What you did back there, whatever happened to scare you, you made that woman feel better. She came in convinced that her boyfriend was cheating on her. I bet she left wondering what sort of amazing surprise he was planning instead.”

  “He’s proposing,” Gabe muttered, then got wide eyed and frantic. “ think.” Gabe added quickly then clamped his mouth shut. Sebastian watched his eyes drop again, and his shoulders slump.

  “Whatever it is, you made the world a little brighter today. You helped Sarah and Doc when they got slammed, you gave the customers smiles and kind words, and you turned that woman’s day around for the better. Those aren’t the actions of a monster.”

  “But… what if—” Gabe stammered and tried again after a deep breath. “It’s not that easy. I don’t always help.”

  “Nobody does. We do the best we can with what we’re given,” Sebastian shrugged. “You had your words to help that lady look at things more positively. You showed her other options. Me? I use my hands and fix someone’s garbage disposal or patch their wall.”

  Gabe shook his head and chewed on his lip. He surged to his feet and started pacing between the work table and the first row of metal shelves.

  “You don’t understand at all. What if you have no control over it? The stuff that comes out of my mouth? Sometimes I have no idea what it’s going to be! Sometimes I can’t even remember saying it! That’s why—” His voice choked off suddenly, like a switch had been flipped, and the sudden silence after his shouting felt almost physical. His whole body was vibrating with his frustration.

  “That’s why what, Gabe?” Sebastian hoped that he was finally going to get some answers. Gabe slumped back onto the stool, his whole body suddenly limp and drained of the frantic energy that he’d been building up.

  “That’s why my mother threw me out when I was fourteen,” he whispered to the floor.

  9

  “What?” Sebastian couldn’t even get his mind around the idea. He knew, of course, that some people were horrible. He knew that it wasn’t a new story, or even a completely uncommon one, but it was so far outside his understanding of how people should behave that it seemed like a made up story. He knew that his face showed his horror and shock, and he tried to compose himself before he spoke again, in case Gabe raised his eyes and caught sight of it.

  “Gabe, what do you mean?” he asked quietly. The urge to reach out to the boy and offer him physical comfort almost drove him to reach out, but he remembered how carefully Gabe had been avoiding contact with other people and instead he reached for his drink.

  “Mom was… well, she was very religious. She always was but she got really into it when Dad died. He was hit by a car when he was riding his bike home from work one night, and she just sort of… I dunno. Withdrew from everything for a while. When she finally started going out again, it was to the church she joined.” Gabe grimaced at the memory playing through his mind. “She, uh. She didn’t much like a lot of my helpful words in the beginning, and after she got really involved with church it just got unbearable. When I was fourteen she finally snapped and it was either leave her house forever or go to this camp place.”

  Sebastian blinked at him, trying to get his brain to catch up.

  “Camp… place?”

  Gabe’s whole face wrinkled and he did glance up at Sebastian. What he saw there, Seb didn’t know, but Gabe drew in a deep breath and blew it out slowly and started talking.

  “I’m not totally sure what it was, but it sounded intense. They wanted to cast the demons from me by any means necessary. The way they looked when they talked about it, I…” Gabe shuddered and chewed on his lip again. “Anyway, I snuck back to my room and packed as much stuff as I could and got out of there as fast as I could. I thought about trying to stay with a friend, but they knew e
veryone I hung out with, so I was scared they’d go look for me there.”

  “Jesus, Gabe.” Sebastian scrubbed his fingers across his scalp.

  “Yeah, well. I made it out of Arizona okay, but then a few weeks later I started having nightmares, so I couldn’t stay at the runaway shelter anymore. They didn’t mind if I kept to myself, but once the nightmares started they wanted me to start seeing a therapist that volunteered a few times a week, and I figured that was the first step to ending up at some kind of camp like Mom wanted me to go to, so I left town and headed north. I’ve wandered around a bit since then.” Gabe shrugged.

  Sebastian knew he was gaping at the kid. He couldn’t help it, the whole thing was so far out of his experience it was like talking to an alien. How any parent could torment their own kid— for whatever the reason— he just couldn’t even wrap his mind around it. Then add to that the fact that Gabe had been homeless for four years, and was not only still in one piece, but relatively healthy… Sebastian had always considered Gabe to be too skinny and maybe slightly ill, but in this perspective he was in shockingly good shape.

  “I… Wow, Gabe.” It was all Sebastian could manage. Gabe glanced over, clearly surprised by the response.

  “That’s…” Sebastian knew he was fumbling this badly and tried to pull himself together. “Okay, I am having a hard time processing all that, but let me start here. I don’t know your mom, but man. She’s the monster. There is not a damn thing wrong with you. It was really brave of you to feel threatened and then take steps to protect yourself.”

  It was clearly Gabe’s turn to gape. His eyes flew up to fully meet Sebastian’s and his mouth hung open.

  “But—”

  “Second, I am absolutely staggered by the fact that you’ve managed to keep yourself in one piece and sane all on your own for so long. Your strength is amazing.”

  “I…” Gabe’s voice cracked. He swallowed and ducked his head to gather himself for a minute. Sebastian marveled at how it seemed like all of Gabe’s walls had come crashing down. He always looked young— well he was young at eighteen— but right now he looked like the kid who ran away to avoid whatever horrors his mother had in store for him and managed to keep his faith in people, even as he didn’t trust them. He looked fragile, though, and Sebastian thought that he was just holding himself together. With almost anyone else, he would offer a hug or a shoulder to lean on, but Sebastian was fairly sure that Gabe wouldn’t find comfort in the contact.

  “I’m not brave,” Gabe said. “I definitely don’t feel brave or strong. Mostly just scared.” Gabe frowned.

  “Being scared doesn’t mean you’re not brave, too. I don’t remember where I heard it, but the best definition of courage I’ve ever come across is doing what you need to do despite being scared, and that’s what you did.” Sebastian grinned. “Near as I can tell that’s what you’ve been doing for years.” He thought back to the confrontation with David yesterday.

  “Can I tell you something really strange?” Gabe asked. He still frowned so hard that his forehead was wriggling, like he was trying to solve a really long math equation in his head. He poked at his soup.

  “Sure. Don’t worry, I’m very familiar with strange,” Sebastian answered with a smirk.

  “I don’t feel scared here.” Gabe looked up at Sebastian, meeting his eyes again. Seb couldn’t help but feel pleased that the boy seemed to be putting more trust in him by the minute. Whatever this kid was going through, Sebastian wanted to make sure he knew that he didn’t have to go through it alone. Gabe laughed a little then and glanced around the restaurant. “I mean, not here specifically, but at the Apothecary. It feels safe. And…” Gabe frowned now, and scooped more soup into his spoon. Sebastian let him eat for a few minutes, thinking of all the ways Gabe truly was safer at the tea shop than he was pretty much anywhere else he went. Between the various enchantments and spells that Doc and Sarah were working on back there, and the runic protection spells that they’d both written on the walls and foundations of the building. Sebastian knew that The Apothecary was a safe place for a number of reasons. And then it was frequented by spirits of all sorts, many of whom were more than capable of defending an innocent. Gabe, on the other hand looked entirely puzzled.

  “And?” he prompted. Gabe hunched in his chair for a second before glancing across the table again.

  “And I feel like I can trust you,” he said.

  “I’ve never felt as comfortable in a place as I do here,” Gabe continued. “Not even just at the shop, but in the whole area since I arrived. But there especially somehow.”

  “It’s a good place to be. Doc works very hard to make sure of it, and she takes care of her friends and employees. You are safe there, I promise. And if you ever need one of us, we’ll help you.”

  Wonder and a very tentative hope bloomed slowly over Gabe’s face. When the last time he’d felt safe was, Sebastian couldn’t guess but he knew that for the moment, at least, the boy wouldn’t have to worry about his physical well-being or the possibility of being rejected for who he was.

  Sebastian couldn’t tell the boy that he was being watched over now by two witches and several powerful spirits, but Gabe had more friends than he knew.

  Sebastian was following him back to his camp every night after he left the Apothecary, and visiting with him in fox form for a while, then made sure to check in on him several times over the night as well whenever he patrolled. Kai was also checking on the boy as he slept and he knew that Marcus had made his way out there also once or twice. And he was pretty sure that both Doc and Sarah had snagged Gabe’s backpack and his coat to put protections on them, just in case. Gabe was about as safe as he could be without taking self-defense classes or hiring a bodyguard.

  “I know I’m safe here,” Gabe said slowly, like he was carefully judging each word before he said it. “It’s just a feeling I have, if that makes sense? And… I feel like I can trust you. I… I don’t have a lot of helpful words to give myself, but I’m usually right about where not to be to stay safe. Sometimes it’s a close call, getting away from somewhere. Like when I ran away from home. I’d felt mostly secure there until that night. That’s why I went and listened to Mom’s conversation. But this is the first place I’ve been where I haven’t felt like I had to have a getaway plan.” Gabe smiled fully now and it was like the sun finally coming out. “It’s a really, really good feeling.”

  Sebastian grinned and tried not to feel like he’d won another battle.

  “I’m glad,” he said instead. “We like you, and if you had to use a getaway plan we’d be pretty bummed out.”

  Gabe grinned back and slurped up his soup. Sebastian felt just as triumphant as when they’d beaten the wights.

  10

  Sebastian trotted around through the brush next to the path, his compact fox body slipping easily under the branches of the Christmas Berry bush that mounded prettily by the path. As he pushed out the other side, he shifted back to his human body and brushed a vine away from the wall in front of him. Foxes could do many things, but opening the hidden door leading from the jogging trail into the Village apartment complex required thumbs.

  He made sure that the door was closed and latched once he was through and dutifully looked both ways before stepping onto the pavement of the parking area. It was empty at the moment, but it was just about time for folks to be heading home for dinner after work, or back out for dinner and whatever else the evening had to offer.

  Gabe had gotten back to his camp safely, and had chatted with ‘Red’ while he rolled out his sleeping bag just outside the mouth of the cave.

  “It’s nice out here, Red. I can see why you’re here instead of closer to town or something. I feel a bit claustrophobic inside the cave, but I had to duck in there the other day when it rained. There’s something about that place that’s just creepy, though. Like it’s haunted.” Gabe shivered when he finished saying that and glanced back at the dark passage into the earth. Sebastian the fox had just
tipped his head, but had remembered the horrible, soul-chilling feeling of fighting the cavern full of wights, and silently agreed. That cave was damn creepy.

  Now, however, Gabe was settled in for the night, mostly, reading a recent thriller Sarah loaned him and snacking on the day-old sandwich Doc had pressed on him as he left, and Sebastian was headed back to his own apartment for a shower and a change of clothes.

  He wished that he could offer Gabe a place to stay. There were several rooms he could offer, starting with his own if he was going to be honest with himself. He only slept there two or three days a week anymore — spending more nights at Sarah’s — and if he had to he could just curl up in his fox body and sleep about anywhere. Gabe wouldn’t appreciate the offer, though, he suspected. He distrusted anything given freely like that. He hadn’t even wanted to accept a cup of tea and a sandwich after being assaulted, after all. A whole bedroom seemed likely to be way past his line in the sand.

  Seb was groaning in frustration and scrubbing his fingers through his hair when he opened his apartment door and stopped dead when two pairs of amused eyes landed on him.

  “Um. Hi?” he said to the the room.

  “Tough day?” Kai asked before finishing his interrupted sip of beer.

  “Good evening,” Marcus said. “You seem frustrated. How’s Sarah?”

  “Ah, that explains the smirking. You think I’m having girlfriend troubles today. No, she’s fine, I’m planning to head over there later. She and Doc were going to do some work after the shop closed so she’s going to be home late. I’m not stressing about my girlfriend. Jerks.” Sebastian went to the fridge and grabbed a beer for himself. A glance over his shoulder had him grabbing two more and putting them on the coffee table before dropping onto the end of the sofa Marcus wasn’t occupying.