Blurred Lines

by Tamsyn Bester

  I grabbed my phone from my desk, and dialed my father’s number.

  “What are you up to?” Asked Dane.

  I replied with, “You’ll see,” just as my father answered.

  “Hi, dad.” I smiled, feeling excitement erupt in my chest. “I need a favor.”

  ** ** ** ** **

  When I walked into Jade’s bedroom she was bundled up beneath a blanket, along with her thick jacket, scarf, beanie, and grey knitted Uggs. I was late, and she’d obviously fallen asleep waiting me. I leaned down, and brushed her hair from her face.

  “No,” she mumbled, hiding her face. “Sleep. I need more sleep.”

  I sat down, and placed my hand on her back. “I wish I could let you sleep, but we have an appointment to get to, remember?”

  Jade’s eyes opened slowly, and she pushed herself up on one arm. “I was waiting for you,” she said with a yawn. “And then I fell asleep.”

  “My last class ran late,” I told her. “And it’s raining outside, so I got held up.”

  “I need to use the bathroom,” she murmured, heading into the bathroom. “And then I’ll be ready.”

  I nodded, and waited for her to finish up. She was zipping up her jacket, but I stood up, and stopped her.

  “Do I not look okay?” She asked, looking up at me. “I can change.”

  Closing the gap between us, I parted her jacket and rested my hands on her growing belly. In the last two weeks she’d started showing, and the rounder her body became – her hips, her breasts, her stomach – the more I found myself wanting her. It was a heady feeling, seeing her body change to accommodate the growth of our baby.

  “You look perfect,” I whispered. The temptation to pull her into a kiss rocked me on my feet, but I was still unsure about where we stood. Neither of us had broached the topic of our relationship, it was just easier to assume our new roles as soon-to-be parents than determine whether or not we could go back to how things used to be.

  “We’d better go,” she said, clearing her throat and dropping her hopeful gaze. “We’re going to be late.”

  My hands fell, and the excitement in my chest changed to both disappointment and frustration. We still had so much to figure out, and were no closer to doing it than we were before I found out Jade was pregnant. Rather than talking about it, we drove to the doctor in an uncomfortable silence. Jade was fidgeting with her hands, and it would have been so easy for me to reach over, and calm her. But instead, I kept one hand my steering wheel and another on the arm rest between us. The rain beat lightly on the windshield, and I had Bastille – Jade’s favorite - playing through the stereo.

  It was unsettling, to be sitting next to a woman I’d known my entire life, and not know how to talk about our situation. I wanted to ask her what she wanted, but the fear of having her reject me again stopped me, and I didn’t know how to move past it.

  THE NURSE SMILED when she walked in, and looked a little surprised to see me. She stuck out her hand, and I took it. “I’m Sirenda. You must be dad.”

  “Yes ma’am,” I replied. “Reid Cole.”

  “Nice to meet you, Reid.” She turned towards where Jade was lying down on the bed, her expression reading of kindness and familiarity.

  “You ready to see your baby?”

  Jade’s face broke out into a bright grin, and she showed no signs of nervousness. Only eagerness. She looked calm, whereas I couldn’t stop wiping my hands down the front of my jeans. Jade had already been through this once before, but the thought of seeing our baby for the first time, hearing the heartbeat, had my heart lodged somewhere between my sternum and my throat. After this, it would be real to me.

  Jade’s squeal pulled me out of my anxious stupor, and I watched as the nurse squirted some gel onto her belly. She used the wand to spread it around, and clicked on the ultrasound machine.

  “Everything looks good so far,” said the nurse. After another click, the volume of the machine became louder, and we all grew quiet as the space was filled with a loud woosh and then a steady ‘thump-thump thump-thump’.

  I could feel Jade’s eyes on the side of my face, but I couldn’t look away from the shape on the screen, or the sound that – if possible – brought me to my knees.

  That was my baby’s heartbeat.

  Strong.

  Steady.

  “Perfect,” the nurse murmured. “Baby is at ten inches, head to heel, and weighs around ten and a half ounces. That’s great.”

  “Is there a reason I’m only showing now?” Asked Jade.

  The nurse continued to move the wand around while she replied, “Well, considering your baby is healthy, and growing as expected, it could mean that you’re carrying closer to your spine. Baby will move around a bit more now, so your belly will likely grow bigger.”

  When I found my voice, I managed to ask, “Can we find out the sex?”

  “Let’s see if baby will show us,” she replied, still smiling at the screen. I felt Jade’s hand slide into mine, and she squeezed. I returned it, stepping closer until I could take a seat next to the bed.

  “It looks like you are expecting a girl,” said the nurse. She wriggled the wand again, and laughed. “Yep, baby girl’s legs are wide open.”

  Jade sniffled beside me, and instinctively I moved in to kiss her temple.

  We’re having a girl.

  “I’ll print these for you,” the nurse continued, cleaning up Jade’s wet stomach. “I want you to come back in four weeks, and keep taking those vitamins. You’ll start feeling her move now, and it might feel like butterflies, but she’s just letting you know she’s really in there.”

  “I read that faintness, and dizziness were normal around this stage of the pregnancy, is that true?”

  Jade looked surprised, as did the nurse.

  “Yes, that’s all symptoms of the second trimester. You could also experience indigestion, and swelling of your feet and ankles. That’s all normal.”

  “And iron,” I added. “Jade has to eat more iron, right?”

  “Yes,” the nurse chuckled. “I’m impressed. You have to be the most knowledgeable father I’ve had walk through my doors.”

  I shrugged. “I wanted to make sure I knew what to expect. I want to be there for Jade anyway I can.”

  “I’m glad,” replied the nurse. “You won’t believe how many couples your age come in here, where the dad has no interest at all.”

  “Oh,” said Jade, sitting up. “We’re not a couple.”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean - ”

  “It’s fine,” I said a little too harshly. Jade’s words had stung, cementing the fear I’d been mulling over in the car on the drive here.

  With one last awkward smile, the nurse left, and the elation I’d felt only moments ago was dampened.

  “Reid.” Jade wrapped her hand around my forearm, and turned me to face her.

  “What’s wrong? I thought you’d be happy.”

  “I am,” I replied. “But I wish you’d give me some direction as to where we stand. When are you going to realize that I don’t want to be just the father of your baby?”

  Her mouth dropped open, but she was cut off when my phone rang. I pulled it from my pocket with a sigh, and saw that it was my mother calling.

  I turned away from Jade. “Hi Mom.”

  “Hi, sweetheart. Are you kids still busy?”

  “No,” I replied. “We just got done. We’re heading back to campus now.”

  “Oh good, I caught you just in time. We’re having lunch with Erik and Raquel, and we’d all love to see you. Raquel and I are dying to hear how your appointment went.”

  I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I don’t know, Mom. I really need to get Jade home.”

  Jade appeared at my side. “It’s fine,” she said softly. “Let’s go.”

  “Please honey,” my mom’s voice came through the phone. “You don’t have to stay long.”

  Jade pleaded with her eyes, and my mother pleaded over the phone. I gro
aned because the women in my life had me wrapped around their fucking fingers.

  “Alright, we’ll be there in about twenty or so minutes.”

  “Great,” my mother replied with glee. “We’ll see you soon.”

  WE STOPPED OUTSIDE OF Jade’s parents’ house, and Jade’s mother, Raquel, and my mother were already opening her car door. They both gushed, and ‘oohed’ and ‘aahed’, firing questions about the baby. I greeted both mom’s with a kiss on the cheek, and walked to the front door where our fathers were waiting. My father pulled me into a half hug, and patted me on the back. “Son. It’s good to see you.”

  “You too,” I replied honestly.

  I stuck my hand out for Jade’s father, Erik, to shake, and he did so without much hesitation. I knew he’d been angry when he found out Jade was pregnant, but he seemed better now. Either way, we needed to have a conversation.

  “Erik,” I greeted.

  “Reid.” His eyes remained cool, as did his demeanor, and I could tell he was sizing me up. He’d never had a problem with me or my friendship with Jade growing up, but I hated that he now looked at me as the guy who got his daughter knocked up.

  “Can we talk?” I asked, tightening my grip on his hand.

  He nodded, and walked inside without bothering to wait for me to follow. Jade’s parent’s house was a large colonial style mansion with two staircases leading up the second floor. The floor was tiled in the foyer and the kitchen, but the rest of the house had lush, dark carpets.

  I followed Erik to his study, a large room down the hallway on the first floor, and squelched any reservations while he shut the door. This conversation was a month overdue, but he couldn’t blame me when Jade had kept her pregnancy a secret until two weeks ago.

  “I figured we could get this out the way now,” I said. “I don’t want any tension between us when the baby comes, and I don’t want the rest of Jade’s pregnancy to be stressful either.”

  “I agree,” replied Erik. He opened a glass cabinet, and took a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue out with two tumblers. He poured it neat, no ice, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was testing me.

  He handed me a glass, and watched as I took a generous sip, unflinching when the amber liquid burned my throat.

  “I’m not going to lie and say that I was thrilled when Jade told me she was pregnant,” Erik started. He leant against his desk, and I remained standing. “I was just hoping she would have made a smarter choice. You kids are still young, and you’re still in college, so you can understand my concern, can’t you Reid?”

  “Yes sir,” I replied. “But I need you to know that I love Jade, and I will do everything in my power to do right by her and our child. They come first. Always.”

  “I don’t doubt you, Reid, but I need you to show me that you’ll take care of my little girl, and my grandbaby.”

  In that moment everything became clearer to me. I understood Erik’s concern, because I was able to put myself in his shoes. If it were my daughter I would have reacted the same way he had.

  If it was my daughter.

  “I will,” I told him. “You have my word.”

  He tipped his glass in my direction, and I finally relaxed. We finished our drinks and joined the rest of our families in the dining room. Jade was huddled between our teary-eyed mothers, and they were looking at the latest ultrasound picture. Erik joined them, and Raquel hugged him around the waist.

  “What did I miss?” He asked, smiling down at his emotional wife.

  “A girl,” she cried. “Jade is having a little girl.”

  “Everything okay?” My father had stepped up to my side, but I’d been too preoccupied with watching Jade to notice.

  “Yeah,” I replied. “Erik and I had some things to clear up.”

  “That’s not what I was referring to,” he said. “I can see something is troubling you.”

  “We can talk about it later, Dad. Were you able to get the info I asked for?”

  “Yes,” he sipped a beer. “I got everything. Are you sure about it, though?”

  “I’m sure of one thing,” I said. “I want to make sure that Jade and the baby are taken care of.”

  “And you and Jade?”

  I lifted my shoulders and expelled a heavy breath. “I don’t know, Dad. One minute we’re going forward, and the next she’s shutting me down, and pushing me four steps back. I feel like all I can do right now is take care of the mother of my child. I’m not sure she’ll ever want to be more.”

  My father put his hand on my shoulder, and I looked at him. “Maybe she’s just as scared as you are.”

  Chapter 13

  Jade

  You’re the man I can’t envision my future without

  I could feel the tension between Reid and me permeating the air. I knew I had to say something, but I wasn’t sure I could find the words to fix my mistake. We’d had a pleasant afternoon at my parents, and the joint excitement from our mother’s over the news that we were having a little girl, was a welcomed distraction, but distractions didn’t last forever and I had to talk to him eventually.

  Reid lingered at my apartment door, looking more uncomfortable than I’d ever seen him.

  “Do you want to stay?” I asked, hoping he would say yes. Somewhere in the weeks after that first night we’d stayed together at his place, it became somewhat of a regular occurrence. Looking back on it now I thought it may have added to our already confusing circumstances.

  “I think it’s better if I get back to my place,” he replied, not lifting his head. I should have been offended that something on his shoe was more interesting than talking to me, but how could I when it was my fault he couldn’t look at me?

  “Reid,” I stepped closer, grateful that we were alone. “I think it’s time we had a talk. About us.”

  His head lifted, but his expression remained shuttered. If there was one thing I truly hated it was when he shut himself off from me. Even during the months that he dated Stella I could always read him, but tonight he was guarded.

  “I’m not sure there’s much to talk about. You made it pretty clear this afternoon where you stand.”

  “Are you going to hold that against me forever?” I snapped, allowing my exasperation to get the better of me.

  Reid’s gaze bounced around, and he tightened his jaw, two things that gave away his agitation. “Like I said, I don’t think there’s much left to talk about at this point.”

  I wanted to scream. This man infuriated me to no end, and when he shut down on me I wanted to slap him. Deciding I’d had enough, I crossed the room until we were only an arm-length apart.

  “All I want is for you tell me what’s going on in your head,” I said quietly. “Because I’m tired of trying to figure it out. Tell me what you want from me, Reid. Please.”

  “Nothing,” he replied, his voice void of any emotion. “I don’t want anything from you, Jade. Not anymore.”

  I glowered at him, and as hard as I tried to hide what I was feeling, I just couldn’t. His words were like a knife to the chest, tearing through flesh and bone until everything was shredded.

  “You’re leaving me?” My breath caught in my throat as I tried to grasp what he meant.

  He frowned. “No, but I’m tired of fighting for us on my own. You are the mother of my child, and it’s my responsibility to take care of you, both of you, and that’s what I’ll do.”

  And there it was – my fear that he was only sticking around out of obligation, and not because he wanted to.

  “Don’t do me any favors,” I bit out, grappling for some control, “If you want to leave, the door is right behind you. I don’t want to be just a responsibility, and there’s no way I will allow our child to feel like some kind of burden.”

  Reid’s arms flew up, and his shutters came down when he half-yelled, “You are not just a fucking responsibility. I love you, more than anything or anyone, and you keep pushing me away. You are so much more than just the mother of my child, but
I can’t force you to see that. Tell me what more I can do to make you understand that you are everything to me, because I’m hanging on by a damn thread hoping that a part of you might feel the same way.”

  My heart stuttered to life, and it took me a minute to find my voice. I’d been so afraid that he no longer wanted to be with me, that I failed to see how my actions had affected him. Had he been just as afraid as I was?

  I knew how I felt about him, but something stopped me from saying it straight away. He mistook my silence for something it wasn’t, a confirmation that I didn’t reciprocate his feelings, but before he reached the door I stopped him. We’d wasted too much time dancing around the issue of us and I didn’t want to waste any more. It meant I had to tell him everything, whether I was ready or not.

  “I’m scared,” I said, holding on to his jacket. His back was to me, but at least he was listening. “I’m scared that the only reason you’re sticking around is because I’m pregnant.”

  That made him turn, and the look in his eyes had me taking a step back. His brows were furrowed, and his mouth drawn tight.

  “Have you not heard a word I just said?”

  “I know I’ve pushed you away,” I continued. “But I have no idea what I’m doing, and the thought of you being with me out of obligation has me terrified. I’ve been fumbling around in the dark without realizing that you were fumbling right alongside me.”

  Reid remained quiet, but his eyes flared with everything he’d been hiding from me. When he didn’t speak, I carried on until I’d bled my heart dry.

  “You’re my best friend, and when I screwed things up I felt so lost without you. Then I found out I was pregnant and I ignorantly convinced myself you were going to run as soon as soon as I told you. I was so wrong, and I see now that I don’t want to have this baby without you. You’re more than just the father of my child, you’re my soul mate,” – the tears fell, because I was pregnant and hormonal for fuck sakes, and I couldn’t control them – “you’re my better half, you’re my best friend, and you’re the man I can’t envision my future without,” – I caught my breath – “and I love you more now than I ever thought possible.”