by Tessa Murran
‘Then maybe we can find some peace the two of us, together. The feud doesn’t have to poison us as well, does it?
Cormac looked at her sideways and quickly away when she did not answer, and Ravenna felt the weight of her secrets pressing on her.
‘Ravenna, after last night I think I owe you some kind of an explanation. I don’t think we can trust each other without it.’
He gave her a look which made her cheeks burn and how she longed for him to kiss her, but then he turned away and looked out at the river.
‘Ravenna, my first marriage was arranged, we were betrothed in infancy, by her father and mine. It was never love, my god, we only saw each other a handful of times as we grew up, so how could it be? I always knew I was destined to marry her and I was reconciled to doing my duty.’
‘What was she like?’ asked Ravenna, feeling horrible jealousy clutch at her breast.
‘Alain was gentle and delicate, innocent and helpless as a new-born lamb. Being the cossetted daughter of indulgent parents, who had protected her from the world, she had romantic notions of love and marriage. She wed me out of duty, as I wed her, but I think I was the worst husband she could possibly have had. Alain wanted someone kind and gentle, a learned man, who would always be by her side to protect her, to sit by the fire and grow old and fat with her. But I was the opposite, always away fighting for King Robert, and returning to her, reeking of blood and war.’
‘I am sure you did your best, Cormac.’
‘Did I? Think of what you have been through in marrying me, strong as you are, and then imagine it if you were helpless and fearful and faced with me. The worst of it is that, though she was beautiful, I never really wanted her. We were forced to lie together, her hating it and me guilty for it. I never made her happy. No matter how kind I tried to be, she cried, the first time I took her and the last. Fortunately, I quickly got her with child, and that was when she told me we needn’t lie together again, for she had done her duty and couldn’t bear me any longer. When you said the same thing, it cut deep.’
‘I did not mean it like that, Cormac. I said it because you were harsh with me, you pushed me away, and I thought you didn’t desire me or want the child.’
‘No doubts on that score now I hope, after last night?’
‘No…no doubts.’ She suddenly felt shy and looked down at her hands.
‘It’s a bit late for modesty Ravenna, and it doesn’t suit you, though you look lovely when you blush like that.’
‘What happened to Alain, how did she die?’
‘I killed her.’
It was as if everything around them suddenly held its breath.
Ravenna snatched a glance at him and then quickly looked away. There was such pain on his face, she could hardly bear him to tell her.
‘Alain was fearful of birthing the child. When she started to have pains, she screamed and cursed me for what I did to her. The child must have been big, too big to be birthed easily, and it was her first time, so she suffered terribly. It went on for a day and a night. Eventually, she stopped screaming, and the old woman who came to deliver the child said Alain would never be able to get it out and that she was too weak and she was dying. I was given a choice - cut the babe out and save it, or let them both die.’
‘Oh, Cormac…’
‘What kind of choice is that? My father said I should do it, but I just couldn’t. I was weak, and I pitied her so very much that I couldn’t let them cut her, so they died, mother and bairn. My child never even drew a breath because of me. I live with that agony every day, and I would not wish it on my worst enemy.’
Ravenna put her hand on his arm to steady him.
‘When you told me you were with child, it brought it all back to me, as if it were yesterday. Ravenna what if the same thing happens to you? What if I have to make that choice again?’
‘You will not have to, I promise you. I swear I will bring your child safely into this world. I am so sorry, Cormac.
‘I have spilt my guts to a Gowan, so Ravenna, will you tell me about him?
Ravenna caught her breath. She had never spoken to anyone about Brandan.
Cormac took her hands in his. ‘I feel I need to know, and there should be no secrets between us. Who was the man who took your innocence, Ravenna?’
‘He did not take it, I gave it freely, for I loved him more than my life but, it all seems a world away now.’
Hesitantly she began to tell him about Brandan. Her pain had been locked inside her for so long that when she shared it with him, it was like opening up a festering wound to the air so that it would heal. By the time Ravenna had finished telling her tale all the mist had cleared. There was no judgement, no jealousy in his eyes, only softness and a kind of understanding. She prayed it was not pity, for she could not bear that.
‘Cormac, my father told me how Brandan died that day up at Glencoe Pass, and he said it was you who cut him down.’
‘Ah, no wonder you hated me.’ He shook his head. ‘That day, out on the moor, I cut many men down who stood in my way, young and old, anyone who came at me. My men and I were fighting for our lives.’
‘Do you remember one man, he was young, tall, with dark hair and green eyes? He had a fine face, you would remember it.’
‘The men that came at me were bent on violence, it was getting dark, they were muddy and bloody, and the storm was terrible. I can’t remember a single one of their faces, all I can remember is thinking I might die that day. So it could have been me who cut down your Brandan, or it could not. I cannot say with any surety. You will have to be satisfied with that Ravenna.’
She stared up at him. She would have to find a way to live with the guilt, for she had made her choice. Cormac Buchanan, no matter what he had unknowingly done to wound her, had taken hold of her heart, so her fate was wrapped around his now.
‘Come, let us go inside and break our fast. I am famished,’ he said with a smile.
Ravenna wasn’t sure if he was talking about food or something else. She was shy with him now, uncertain how to deal with these new feelings inside her, feelings of tenderness for his pain, feelings of security as his big hand gripped hers, and feelings of lust at the look in his dark eyes.
A sobering thought hit her. She took a deep breath.
‘Wait. There is something more I have to tell you. It is about Alisdair.’
Chapter Twenty
By the time Cormac had calmed down, and his terrible rage was spent, the sun was high in the sky. They were in the yard, readying horses and men for him to ride out and deal with Alisdair’s treachery when a messenger arrived. The man’s horse had been ridden hard, and sweat streaked its flanks.
‘Laird, I bring news from the Bruce,’ he panted. ‘The English…an army has been seen, crossing the border and heading up the northern road towards Stirling, a huge army. The King is mustering for battle, and he demands that you bring men and arms to his cause.’
‘How soon?’ said Cormac.
‘They say the English are moving slowly, their baggage train is massive and slowing their progress, but without doubt, they will be upon us before the week is out.’
‘Where do we gather?’
‘At the Torwood, south-west of Stirling Castle. I am to return with you and your men. Black Douglas sends word that your brother is safe and ready to fight with him. He will see you at the Torwood.’
‘Go to the kitchens and take food and ale. You can make your bed in the stables. Now leave us.’
Cormac turned to Ravenna. ‘I cannot delay. I must get ready to ride out with the men.’
‘How soon?’
‘Within a day or two, no later.’
‘And Alisdair?’
‘Don’t fret. I’ll not be forgetting my vengeance. I will send some men to take care of him. He will not see it coming, and he will get everything he deserves.’ He released her hand and rushed away.
Across the yard, a ragged group of children were playing and laughing, apart from
Donald, who was staring at her, pale, tense and wide-eyed. He must have heard the message. The poor child had already lost his family to English violence and he alone amongst them, realised the terrible danger bearing down on them.
‘Donald, it’s alright, come here to me,’ shouted Ravenna, but he turned and ran like the wind out of the gates and away into the woods. She would never catch him now, but he would come back when he was hungry, or it got dark.
***
Ravenna had so many preparations to make that she didn’t stop until dusk, and, dead on her feet, she walked inside the hall and came to a standstill. Ramsay was there, sitting at the table cradling a mug of ale. His face was swollen and purple with bruising.
‘There you are. Have you been avoiding me?’ she said.
‘My nose is broken,’ he said venomously
‘And you tried to lynch me, I still have the mark, see,’ she said, casting aside her hair to show him. ‘It is what you deserve for condemning me.’
‘That there is a traitor’s brand, and what I deserve is my master’s thanks, for sniffing you out in your lies, but instead I get his fist in my face,’ he said slowly, turning the mug round and round in his hands.
‘I did not betray him. Has he not explained about the messages?’
‘Aye he has, took me aside at first light and told me all. But that does not excuse it in my eyes. You still passed on our secrets, even if they were useless ones.’
‘What else did you expect me to do, on being wed to my clan’s sworn enemy?’
‘Well, I am not foolish enough to ever trust a Gowan bitch just because she has a pretty face. I have sworn to Cormac that I will not lay a finger on you again, and I will be true to my word, but I don’t trust you. My master does because you open your legs for him and make him forget who he is, but I think you are nothing but a blight on this family and you always will be.’
‘You are wrong, Ramsay. Why not bury our differences, now you and Cormac are going to war?’
‘I’m not going. Cormac has punished my actions in the worst possible way, by making me stay here to protect you and Morna. I am a good fighter, but I must stay and protect the women, like a fool.’
‘Alisdair.’
‘Aye. My Laird thinks Alisdair is a threat, though I could take that wretch with one hand tied behind my back.’
‘Ramsay I tried to warn Cormac about him, and you too.’
‘Aye, so you did, but still you withheld the truth of it, and still, you acted like a traitor. I have had to sit by while my Lord is weakened by a woman’s poison. If I am wrong about you, all well and good, and if I am not, and this is a promise Ravenna, eventually I will find you out in your treachery, and then, even Cormac won’t stop me from ending you.’
***
For two days the castle was a hive of activity. The smithy’s work had been unending, and Donald finally returned and got a smack round the ear for his trouble. He was put to running here, there and everywhere, always under the bite of the smithy’s sharp tongue, as he sharpened axes and swords and repaired Cormac’s mail. Most of the men going off to fight did not have such protection.
The women were put to work, stitching padded jackets and then hoods to cushion helmets. Riders had been sent out far and wide to summon Cormac’s clansmen – soldiers, farmers, the high-born and the low, the young men and the old. Any carts that could be spared were loaded with provisions and weapons, items for setting campfires and cooking, along with food for men and horses, though there was not nearly enough of it. They would follow behind Cormac and his men, who would have to march at a blistering pace, on half-empty stomachs, towards the rendezvous point, travelling light, with just the bare essentials. Their clan standard was made ready, a black lion rampant on a field of gold, its claws and tongue blood red.
A steady stream of men and arms started moving into Beharra, and Ravenna was kept busy trying to feed and house them. Luckily, it was a warm and dry June, and so most could sleep outside under the stars. In all the activity, she hardly got to see Cormac, until he came to her in the hall, as dusk fell on the second day of preparations.
She was squinting by candlelight as the light faded outside, busy sewing his battle dress, which was torn in several places.
‘Ravenna,’ he said, and she smiled up at him. How handsome he looked, so proud, so strong, so manly and soon to be so far away. Just a few sweet moments of trust between them cut cruelly short. It wasn’t fair he had to go from her now she finally had something she wanted to hold on to.
He gave her a sad smile back as she bent to mending his blue tunic.
‘Ravenna, there are things I have to say.’
‘No, you don’t. Say them when you come back. Now I must get on and get this tunic finished, for if it is not ready when you leave at dawn...’
Cormac came over and took it from her hand and placed it on the table. He sat down beside her. ‘Ramsay will make sure no harm befalls you and Morna, while I am away fighting.’
‘He hates me.’
‘Well I’ll own he is not particularly fond of you since I broke his nose in your defence, but he is loyal, and he is a good fighter. He and some of the other strong men will be left behind to guard the castle and all who live in it, and that includes you. All at Beharra now know you did not betray me, and they follow my lead in trusting you. Morna, I leave in your care when I am gone, and I have told her to do your bidding without question.’
Ravenna’s mouth fell open.
‘I am trusting you with my sister’s safety. Stay close to Beharra, Ravenna, it is risky to venture out in times like these.’
‘Cormac I…come back won’t you.’
‘I will do my best for both of you.’ He placed a hand on her stomach. ‘If I should fall, Lyall will take care of you, but if he falls too, then it will be a disaster for the Buchanans.’
‘Don’t fall then. Promise me.’
‘I cannot promise. It would be a lie.’ His face grew hard, and he took her hand and looked down at it. ‘Softness is fatal in times like these Ravenna, so I cannot say what you want me to say.’
‘And what is that?’ She held her breath.
‘That I have come to care for you, that I love you.’ For the longest time, he just stared at her, as a lump formed in her throat.
‘You talk such nonsense, Cormac Buchanan,’ she sobbed, as the tears broke and ran down her cheeks.
Weak fool, she chided herself, he will hate this.
Cormac put his hand to her cheek and drew her in to kiss her, and she thought her heart would stop with how beautiful it was, how heartbreakingly beautiful. He kissed her and kissed her and then got up abruptly and walked over to the fireplace, leaning one arm against the stone. She heard him sniff and draw the other across his nose.
Ravenna got up and went over to him. ‘I can light another candle and mend your things later,’ she said as she took hold of his hand and led him away. ‘Come, I have to say goodbye properly.’
Chapter Twenty-One
It had been two days since Cormac had gone to war, and Ravenna leant on the bridge over the river, beside herself with worry.
Ramsay was of no help. The man had said little to her since Cormac had ridden out. He was avoiding her, she was sure of it, though he did her bidding quickly enough when she sought him out, albeit with a sullen look on his face.
Morna was wilful as usual, though she had welcomed the news that Alisdair was no longer considered a suitable husband. Cormac had muttered something about his loyalty to the King’s cause being lacking, and Morna had swallowed it without too much thought. She had escaped the fate of an unwanted husband, and that was all that mattered to her. Now she was restless and could not be still.
In spite of his good spirits and his assurance he would be home soon, safe and sound, Morna had clung to Cormac so hard when he left that he had to prise her fingers off his tunic. So Ravenna had tried not to show her distress and make it worse. Their parting had been quick, a hard kiss on her forehead
, and Cormac had turned and mounted his horse and ridden out of Beharra’s gates without looking back.
But she had already shown him how she felt, all through the night, worshipping him with her body, and he had made love to her tenderly and passionately. She finally knew what it meant to make love with no barriers between them, not using but sharing, not frightening but gentle. When she closed her eyes, she could still feel Cormac’s hands on her and imagine him, all warm skin and hard flesh, his manhood sliding into her, slowly, oh so slowly, making her gasp in awe at how he was making her feel. Her cheeks burned with the thought of him. She tried hard to fight off the longing for him, which tore at her, constantly.
‘Lady, come quick. She’s dying.’ Donald’s voice was desperate as he ran up to her from the woods.
‘Who is dying?’
‘My Laird’s sister, Lady Morna. She was riding, down the river. She has fallen, and I think her neck may be broken, she cannot breathe. You must come and tend to her at once.’ He grabbed Ravenna’s hand and pulled.
‘Where is she?’
‘By the falls, Lady, on the bank, just there. Her face is white, there’s blood coming from her nose, and her lips are blue.’
‘Go, Donald, fetch help from the castle, tell them where I have gone, and hurry.’
Ravenna gathered her skirts and ran, as fast as could be, down into the trees and along the riverbank. She hoped she would be in time. How could Morna have been so stupid as to ride out when she had been told not to?
It seemed to take forever to get to the falls, and when she got there, she had to press a hand to her side where a pain ripped into it like a knife. She tried to get her breath back as she looked around her desperately.
All was quiet and still.
Too quiet, too still.
She whirled about her, but she could see no horse, no body lying on the banks. ‘Morna,’ she shouted.
Nothing, just the tweeting of birds, the rustling of a breeze through the trees and the babble of the river at her back.
‘Morna,’ she called again, but no one answered. By the falls, Donald had said, and here she was, but Morna was not there. The hair stood up on the back of her neck. Something was not right. Why would the girl have gone out riding, it was a reckless thing to do, and she had been fearful and edgy since Cormac had gone off? Why would Donald have been with her?
