Only His Touch: Part One (The Untouched Series Book 4)

by Lilly Wilde

  “You look like quite the rider,” he said, assessing my appearance.

  “Too bad I don’t feel like one,” I replied, somberly as I watched the daunting animal devour the apple.

  “Oh, come on,” Aiden encouraged. “You had the same reaction to the motorcycle, and look how well that turned out. You’re going to love it. You have my word.”

  I watched Aiden feed the horse another apple. “Is this one of the horses we’ll be riding?” I asked.

  “No. This is Allison’s horse, Penelope,” Aiden replied. “Isn’t she a beauty?”

  Before I could reply, the stable hand walked in. “Mr. Raine, the horses are all ready for you,” he said.

  “Thank you, Rodney,” Aiden replied. He grasped my hand and led us out of the stable.

  “So you can ride with me first on Sebastian…to get a feel for it. Then we’ll come back and you can give Blue Diamond a try,” Aiden said.

  “Sure, sure. Lead me to my death.”

  He chuckled and smacked my backside. “Stop it.”

  I sighed. “Yes, sir.”

  We stepped out to the fence near the horses. Aiden went to the black horse and rubbed its head and then turned to me and said, “Stay right there.” After he mounted Sebastian, he gently pulled the reins, then he reached out to me. “Ready?”

  “Sure,” I replied, with a ridiculously fake smile.

  “Let’s see how quickly I prove you wrong this time,” he said.

  We took a short ride across the perimeter of the grounds, toward the far edge of the property. I did enjoy being this close to him, having his smell envelope me, feeling the warmth of his breath against my neck. To be honest, I enjoyed that much more than the ride itself—which really wasn’t that bad.

  Once we’d returned to the spot where Blue Diamond was waiting, Aiden helped me down and then led me to my horse.

  “I can help you up or I can have Rodney bring the mounting block,” Aiden offered.

  “No. I can do it.”

  “Okay, so you should always mount on the left, near the side of the horse. Put your left hand on his mane, grasping firmly, while holding the front of the saddle. Then place your left foot into the stirrup and swing your right foot over, making sure not to kick him.”

  “Okay, I can do that.” I mounted the vast animal, and then nervously grabbed the reins.

  “Good. Now get comfortable in the saddle and make sure both feet are in the stirrups.”

  Blue Diamond moved forward slightly, and then he stepped back. Once he was still, I looked down at Aiden. “All done,” I said. “I’m such a good student.”

  “That you are, Ms. Cason.”

  The horse made a few more steps forward, and an anxious giggle escaped me.

  “You shouldn’t be nervous. From what I can tell, you do very well when large things are between your legs.”

  “Large things?” I repeated. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “Maybe you need to be reminded.”

  “Perhaps,” I replied, making a motion to dismount the horse.

  “No. You’re not getting down just yet.”

  “I was just following your lead.”

  “For now, my lead involves you following Sebastian and me. Can you keep Blue Diamond still?”

  “Yes, I’ve got it,” I replied.

  “Now that you’re settled, you can hold both reins in one hand, or hold one in each, whichever is most comfortable.”

  I stuck with what I had—one rein in each hand. That seemed the best idea somehow.

  “Are you good?”

  “Yes,” I replied, pulling back on the reins.

  Aiden hopped on Sebastian and then immediately returned his focus to me. “To get him going, gently, but firmly, squeeze his side.”

  Aiden gave Sebastian a little nudge and they started moving. I mimicked Aiden’s gesture and was soon moving beside him.

  “Once you’re comfortable with this gait, let me know, and we can move on to a trot.”

  I looked at him and nodded. This was nothing like the experience I had during college spring break with April at the house of the guy she was dating at the time. I felt more at ease now. I strongly suspected that had to do with my instructor. For one, I loved hearing him talk about basically anything. His voice was deep and seductive, even when instructing me on something as mundane as how to handle Blue Diamond. Secondly, I didn’t want him to show me up. And lastly, I really wanted to get into this so we’d have something to do together that would hopefully keep his mind free of Raine Industries.

  We rode in silence for quite a while, starting out with a slow trot while Aiden looked protectively toward me ever so often. He motioned for me to stop, and I pulled back on the reins.

  “You’re doing very well. Do you like it?” he asked.

  “It’s not bad.”

  He smiled and shook his head. “Okay, we’re going to go a little faster. To make the horse jog, just kick gently with a clucking sound or press your legs into his sides. I don’t want you to go any faster than that, at least not today. But once you’ve gotten some more experience, I’m sure you’ll be racing across this place like it’s second nature to you.”

  “I think you forgot something,” I said.

  His eyebrows rose a notch.

  “How do I turn?” I asked.

  “Look the way you want to turn, and tighten the rein on the side you want to go.”

  He motioned for Sebastian to start walking, and I did the same with Blue Diamond. Once I gave Aiden a nod that I was good, we picked up the pace, and before I knew it, I was in a steady trot across the Raine property. And it did feel good. I would imagine it would only feel better when I could go faster.

  As I tried to keep up with Aiden, I imagined myself riding across the land like it was the most freeing thing in the world, my hair blowing in the wind, as all my worries faded behind me. In reality, however, Aiden had disappeared into the trees, and a memory of my recurring nightmare flashed before my eyes. It was déjà vu. I knew I wouldn’t see Aiden suddenly morph into my father, as what had happened in my dream, but the resemblance of this moment to my nightmare sent a chill through me.

  The nightmare always pulled forbidden memories to the surface. Even though I tried to blow them off, they made me question things I normally wouldn’t. Was there a reason they started after I’d met Aiden? Why were they about Dad, a man I’d tried desperately to erase from my thoughts? What was the thing with the morphing?

  Initially, I didn’t get it, but after some time, I’d come to the conclusion that the nightmare symbolized my fear that Aiden would disappear on me like my father had. It was foreshadowing the confusion and pain I’d feel if I truly let down all my defenses. Maybe that was the reason I couldn’t reply to Aiden’s letter.

  On the other side of the coin, why the déjà vu? Why this precise moment? Perhaps this ride was more than a way to stimulate Aiden. What if it were a way to stimulate a part of me? A way to signify that I could let go of my fear and allow myself to truly be free…that I could let all of the worries fade into the background…that I could have a relationship that lasts.

  * * *

  After the ride, as promised, Aiden escorted me to his tree house. He climbed the ladder first and then I followed. I stepped inside and was completely stunned by what I saw.

  “Oh wow. This isn’t a tree house. It’s a Manhattan loft,” I said. There was a periscope in the center of the room, and I started walking toward it.

  Aiden grasped my arm before I could go too far. “Wait a minute. Aren’t you forgetting something?”

  “What are you talking about?” I asked.

  “Your cost of admission.” He motioned as though he were palming my breast, and then he held up two fingers and gestured as if he were fingering me.

  I looked up at him and his brows rose suggestively.

  Who am I to break the bro code? I started unbuttoning my
shirt.

  Chapter Five

  Dianna had taken Lyric to the Bump Club for a playdate. He was only five months old, and his social calendar was about to be as active as mine. It was odd to think of someone so small having a playdate, but Aiden insisted it was important to start Lyric’s socialization early, which reminded me that I needed to contact Aiden’s cousin, Brandy, to schedule a day to get our two little guys together before the move to Boston.

  The upcoming hours without Lyric gave Aiden and me the uninterrupted opportunity to really open up about our time apart and what, if anything, it meant for our future. I passed a glass of wine to Aiden and then joined him at the dining table. I was worried about the direction the conversation would go, and the look in his eyes revealed he was just as concerned, if not more so.

  “So,” he started, glancing at me after he’d taken a couple of sips of the burgundy.

  “Where do we begin?” I asked.

  “I don’t know.” He exhaled and placed his glass on the table. “I do have a question. I’ve read your blog, and you’ve told me bits and pieces, but how was it for you…being away from me? Tell me about the parts you left out.”

  For a guy who said he didn’t know where to start, he certainly fired off one of the tougher questions first. I shook my head as I thought back to the months and months we were separated. Even now, just thinking of the agony I’d carried with me every day made my heart hurt. I literally felt a stabbing pain in my chest. It had been hell for me. It was like you knew something was missing but you tried to block it out. You had to block it out, or it would crowd everything else, and you’d start to break.

  “It was the worst emotional pain I’d ever suffered. It was the combination of losing my dad, losing you, and then losing my mom all rolled up into one.” I took a sip of the wine and then studied the glass for a moment, avoiding his eyes. After a few seconds, I placed the goblet on the table and then looked up at him.

  Aiden moved his hand over his jaw and rested his chin in his palm. “I don’t know how you could have kept silent if it was that bad, but I guess that’s why April reached out to me. She knew you never would.”

  “I don’t want to talk about her,” I said in a rush.

  “I was just making a comment,” Aiden said, and reclined in his chair. “No need to bite my head off.”

  “I may not have reached out to you, but I never let go, not really. I wanted to, for the sake of my sanity, but I couldn’t. I was damn near stalking you…from a distance, of course. I subscribed to business magazines just to read your comments, trying to imagine the words coming out of your mouth. I must have read hundreds of news articles about you. And then I wanted to hear your voice. I think I needed to hear it. And despite the self-warnings, I went online and watched countless videos of you at media appearances.”

  His brows rose. “Did you really?”

  “Yep,” I replied. “It was a bad idea.”

  “Why do you say that?” he asked.

  “Because it led to even more misery. So then I’d tried to forget everything—tried to erase your touch, your smell, the taste of your lips—but I couldn’t. It was all etched in my brain. There were days I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out.” I looked past him and I was back in Belize, reliving one of the worst moments I’d had without him. “To be honest, I did do that once. I honestly don’t know how I would have made it without Kellan’s support.”

  “Good old reliable Kellan,” Aiden sneered. “You know I don’t want him around you or Lyric anymore, right?”

  “Look, I know Kellan isn’t your favorite person, but he’s a good friend, and I don’t have many of those.” I gauged Aiden’s reaction before I continued. I knew it would hurt him to hear what I was about to say, but I needed to be honest. “I love him, Aiden, and I’m not going to cut him out of my life.”

  The glimmer in Aiden’s eyes instantly dimmed. His face twisted in pain for a brief measure, and then just like that, it was gone, hiding his true feelings behind a mask of anger. I hated seeing the hurt my words obviously caused him, but unspoken truths had caused us to lose too much already. We needed to be honest if we wanted to avoid at least a few of the bumps in the road.

  Disbelief crossed his features. “You love him?” he repeated.

  “Yes,” I whispered.

  For a moment, he merely stared at me, his expression unreadable.

  “I don’t love him the way I love you. It doesn’t touch what I feel for you,” I said. “But I have no intention of ending that friendship. You don’t have to like it, but I need you to be okay with this.”

  Aiden stood and gulped most of his wine, then walked to the bar to top off his drink. I nervously watched as he returned to his seat.

  “Say something,” I urged. “Please say you can accept this.”

  He exhaled his objections and then nodded, more to himself than to me, as if agreeing to the resolution he’d formed in his head. I was forcing him to accept something that was the source of a tremendous amount of hurt. I gave him a meek smile, encouraging him to share his thoughts. His expression softened as he reached for my hand.

  “I will—for you. For our family.”

  “Thank you.” I’d been certain this would result in a heated debate. His acceptance gave me hope that we’d survive this conversation. “I promise not to do anything to blur the lines. And if Kellan decides he wants to step away, that’s his choice, but I won’t force him. And Aiden, he’s really not a bad guy…in a perfect world, the two of you could even be friends.”

  “Don’t push it, Aria,” he warned.

  “I said in a perfect world, Aiden. I know it isn’t going to happen.”

  “Let’s not discuss Kellan any more right now,” he said. “Tell me the rest.”

  I sighed and thought back to the many days and nights without him. “Most of my time was spent preparing for the baby, but you read all that in my blog. I met with interior decorators for his nursery—I wanted it to be perfect. But as perfect as I wanted it to be, it never was—I was dying inside.”

  “When I saw you on the beach, I stood there for several minutes before I approached. You seemed happy,” Aiden said.

  “I was—with Lyric. He made everything better. As happy as I was, though, I was just as sad that you weren’t with me. Every day was a struggle. I had to put on this front…not to Kellan or my sisters, or even to April, but to myself. I told myself I was fine, and that I was doing what was best. I reminded myself of all the reasons my decision was right for me and the baby.” Tears spilled from my eyes and down my cheeks. I traced my fingertips across my face, wiping them away, and continued. “My heart was broken in a thousand pieces—there’re no words to describe that type of pain. I didn’t think I’d ever be whole again. I knew that no one could replace you…ever,” I whispered, as I glanced into his empathetic eyes.

  I stared at him, replaying what I’d just said, and memorizing his every facial feature, as though I would never see him again.

  Aiden sat patiently, waiting for me to continue.

  “There were some horrible days. There were some beautiful ones, too, but I don’t ever want to go through anything like that again,” I said. “I don’t know that I could do it.” The way my mother had withdrawn from her children when Dad left—I could totally relate to that now. My identifying with her in that way was rather pitiful, but it was the truth.

  “Would you like to stop?”

  I took a sip of wine before responding. “No,” I replied. “I’m okay. This will be a difficult conversation no matter when we have it.”

  “I agree,” he said, as he stroked his finger over the back of my hand.

  “I know we don’t want to discuss April or Kellan, but it’s unavoidable,” I said. I let out a sigh, and continued my story. “April came over for about two weeks, and that had helped. And then toward the end of my pregnancy, Kellan came over for an extended visit. He wanted to be there during the last week
s, just in case the baby was early, and also because I was literally freaking out.”

  I went on to tell Aiden more about my time in Belize—the parts that didn’t involve Kellan, and those that did. It was hard to separate the two. I told him about the weeks leading up to Lyric’s arrival, and all the feelings associated with that, including the intimate details of Lyric’s birth. And I told him of all the days and nights he’d missed with his son. My story ended with the life-changing confrontation on the beach.

  He’d listened intently—soaking in every detail. I guessed he was trying to picture it all. Or maybe he was imagining himself in the story instead of Kellan. Either way, each word from my mouth felt like another turn of the knife—another stab that I was twisting into his soul.

  Aiden swallowed the last of his wine and then glanced toward the bar. “I need something stronger. What about you?” he asked, getting up and going toward the liquor.

  “I don’t do well when I mix alcohol, but I’m game. Dianna’s here all night, right?”

  He grinned. “Yeah. Do you think we’ll need her?”

  “Seeing that we just started the conversation and we’re already getting into the hard liquor…it’s a safe bet.”

  “And you have milk set aside?” he asked.

  I typically reserved breast milk so that Aiden could feed Lyric, and this was one of those times when I was glad I did. “Yes,” I replied.

  “Then we’re good,” he said, grabbing two glasses and a decanter of clear alcohol.

  Chapter Six

  “And then I was back in Chicago, the one place I didn’t want to be.” I slid my palms down my thighs and rested them on my knees. After taking another nervous breath, I looked up and met Aiden’s tender gaze. “I hated the way you treated me, I wanted to claw your heart out—though I’d started to question if you actually had one at that point. You’d never been that cruel to me.” I stared past him as I recalled the cold darkness of those weeks. “I cried myself to sleep quite a few nights when I was in that house. With the exception of Nadia taking Lyric, the night we first had sex was the worst of all.”