Thad's Mistakes (The Two Moons of Rehnor)

by J. Naomi Ay

  Even though, I wasn't a religious guy by any stretch of the imagination, I considered it would be far less effort to fake it than continuing to pretend that I was enjoying my state of matrimony and fatherhood.

  I couldn't up and leave, though. I had been trained to be a responsible person, unlike playboy Larry, who post-college was busy sowing wild oats, among other things.

  I was an Eagle Scout, the son of an admiral, as Dad had been recently promoted, and I knew my duty was to my family first and foremost. I stayed, and I suffered.

  Gwen was a charming little angel who learned early on that she could entice anything from me by pouting her perfect little red lips and climbing into my lap to wrap her fat little arms around my neck. "Dada" was her first word, and she learned it well, singing it in the morning from her crib, her diaper loaded and toxic. Without qualm, I stumbled to my feet and ran to her side while Leslie snored, her beauty sleep far more important than mine.

  As Gwen grew, she discovered she could coax anything from me, be it candy, cookies, or toys. I truly feared the day when she would discover that a Visa card could provide all of that and more, while being weaseled from me just as easily.

  I had zero resistance for my princess and Queen Leslie knew it, using Gwen as her accomplice in all manner of things. If Leslie wanted something and I refused, she sent Gwen to climb in my lap and beg, in her stead. I never questioned why a three old would need a seaweed wrap or a pair of $1,700 Jimmy Choo's in her mother's size.

  By the time Gwen was four and Jimmy seven, I was Vice President of Sales and bringing home larger paychecks than I had ever imagined. Since I was traveling constantly, living in a state of both exhaustion and guilt from my absences, I let them all buy and have whatever they wanted.

  I was Santa Claus every weekend, the ultimate Sugar Daddy, even though I was usually collapsed on the couch. As long as they left me alone to watch football and drink beer, I was content. On Saturday and Sunday, I wanted nothing more than to watch the Sun Devils and Cardinals without interruption usually passing out sometime just before the half.

  I'd rouse myself around dinner time and to make up for my mental absence, we'd head out to whatever restaurant Leslie wanted this week. It wasn't a bad existence, certainly better than I had imagined eight years ago at our wedding and I figured I could go on like this for at least another decade or two.

  As it turned out, I was also the one that got the raw end of the stick. While Gwen was in preschool and Jimmy in grade school, while I was off visiting customers and collecting millions in orders, Leslie was entertaining the pool boy in the backyard cabana.

  From there she moved on to the speeder repair guy. I didn't question the constant need for a loaner car as she was now flying a Mercedes Benz, and it was common knowledge that they needed more maintenance than our old Toyota.

  About six months later, the car flew fine, and we never had another repair. Of course, I found out later that Leslie had broken up with him and moved on to the guy who was giving her acupuncture treatments for a bad back.

  Six months again and her back miraculously healed but suddenly, her hair need styling daily. Sergio and had an amazing eye for color, detecting shades of green, purple and blue whereas I could only see blonde.

  After Sergio came Louis, the final victor in this parade of replacement suitors. He was our dentist, a rotund bald guy with amazingly gentle hands. I guess his hand treatments extended to more than Leslie's gums and teeth as they departed the desert for the big cities back east leaving me with a divorce decree to sign, an estate to split up and custody of the kids, except for the occasional school break visit.

  "Move out here," Mom suggested from seven light years away. "Dad and I would love to have the kids and you here on Rozari with us."

  Admiral Tim had taken over command of the Allied Spacebase there while Mom had been working on a post-doc and teaching at the Rozari Science Academy. Recently, she had given that up to go work as a receptionist in some doctor's office. None of us understood exactly why she did that, and when we asked, she just laughed and made some comment about it being the way things were supposed to be.

  "You'll love it here," she continued, although I highly doubted that. "The weather is just like Phoenix. There's a lot of Earth-ex pats, and there's even a Fashion Square Mall just like back home."

  "No way," I replied. "The last thing I want to be is an alien, especially on a planet that is still recovering from nuclear winter. I'd rather move to Michigan."

  "It's safe," Mom insisted. "Safer than Michigan. Ask your dad if you don't believe me. The war was over a thousand years ago. There's no radiation left. The dust is totally inactive. If you come, Thad, I'll introduce you to my boss. He's the same age as you and a really interesting guy. I mean, really interesting. I think the two of you will get along great."

  The last thing I cared to do was hang out with some shrimpy, pale Rozarian freak doctor who had just crawled out of a domed city. The second to last thing I cared to do was meet this dude who according to my dad, my mom had virtually adopted. He probably didn't drink; had never watched football and the only chicks that would be attracted to his magnetic appeal would be the kind that hatched from chicken eggs. I had enough problems with Larry. I didn’t want or need another brother.

  "Don't go," Larry agreed. He had recently returned from his backpacking adventure across Mars with none other than Ming Feinberg who had also married him. I was certain that had occurred during a moment of temporary insanity on her part.

  "I don't want to be an alien either," Jim agreed. He was eight then and far too mature to be called Jimmy or so he said. "Unless they have good video games there. Do they, Dad?"

  "Is there a Nordstroms in the fashion mall?" Gwen asked.

  Although Leslie had left us months earlier, Gwen's training as my ex-wife's ‘mini me’ was strongly engrained. She was also going through a pink stage where each and every article of clothing had to be in some variation of pink. She refused to wear her Brownie Scout uniform because it was, of course, brown, and the only badge she agreed to work on was the shopping one.

  "I didn't realize they offered a shopping merit badge," Mom muttered when I explained this.

  "The requirements are intense," I replied. "Demonstrate the ability to select from the sale rack. Match styles, colors and fabrics, tops to bottoms. Choose appropriate footwear, handbags and other accessories. Present and sign for credit card approval."

  "Seriously Thad, you need to bring those children here. Either that or get married again and get them another mother."

  It was that comment which finally convinced me it was time for us to pack up and travel across the stars. Gwen needed my mother and Jimmy needed Admiral Tim to guide them both to the right path as I was too overwhelmed, depressed and exhausted to lead the way. And, I certainly wasn't about to get married again.

  Two weeks later, after saying goodbye to my job, my brother, and Planet Earth, we boarded the United Starlines flight to Rozari. Then, after twenty-seven hellacious hours in a chair with two bored and crabby kids by my side, we stepped foot into the red post-nuclear dust of our new home.

  My first thought as the red ash caked the outside of my shoes was this was undoubtedly a terrible mistake.

  ****

  "Thad, it's time for you to find an apartment," the Admiral ordered and instead of standing and saluting, I popped the top on another beer. "Your mother and I are getting tired of you lying around on our sofa. You're not setting a good example for your kids."

  "But you are," I replied. "That's why I brought them here. Jimmy is already sitting straighter, and Gwen hasn't mentioned shopping for at least three days."

  "That's not the point," Dad continued. "You need to get on with your life. You need a home of your own, and you need to start looking for a job. Your mother and I will help out as much as we can, but tomorrow, you are off this couch and back into formation. You got that, Spaceman?"

  "I'm not a spaceman," I reminded him. "I dropped
out of the Academy. I despise the Spaceforce, especially those pathetic spandex uniforms you wear."

  The Admiral's crew cut bristled like sharp porcupine spikes.

  "Sorry, Dad. Have a beer. The Cougars game is starting in a few minutes. They're not a bad team. Maybe even better than the Cards."

  The Admiral took his bottle and leaned back in his easy chair, his spikes settling down slightly as I roused myself from the couch.

  I went to look out the window at the sunset that was turning this dry dusty planet purple and orange. I supposed it wasn't a bad place if you liked this kind of thing. The kids had adapted well, already making friends at their school. Jimmy joined the basketball team being one of the tallest kids there. Gwen joined the drama club which was fitting because she had been trained by the ultimate drama queen, Leslie. It was just me that was having trouble figuring out where I fit in.

  "Oh Thad!" Mom sang as she came through the garage door. "I've got the most exciting news."

  "It's going to rain?"

  "No!" she snapped setting down a bag of groceries. "It never rains here, you know that. Listen to me, Thad. I think you've got a job."

  "Really?" I ambled back over to the sofa and gazed at the Cougars. They were all standing while the Rozarian anthem played. It was probably one of the worst pieces of music ever written. It sounded like a combination of bag pipes and steel drums collaborating on hip hop and jazz.

  "Yes," Shelly insisted ripping the bottle of beer out of my hand. "Ron, my boss wants to see you tomorrow in his office. I don't know what he wants you to do, but he said specifically that I should bring him Thad."

  "Right. I'm sure that was only after you begged him to give me a job. What am I going to do for him anyway? You already answer his vid."

  "I don't know, but I didn't even mention you were here. Totally out of the blue he said 'Bring me Zad.' That's how he says things."

  "Zad?"

  "Zad," the Admiral snorted.

  The Cougars kicked off. Whoa! That sucker nearly flew through the goal posts. For a bunch of shrimpy pale aliens, they sure could play ball.

  "Now go get a haircut and shave. Maybe you want to go by the mall and get yourself a new suit?"

  "Mall?" Gwen shrieked from the bedroom she was sharing with Jimmy.

  "No!" Shelly snapped. "Only Daddy's going shopping today."

  "After the game," I said and put my feet up on the coffee table.

  "Thad!" Shelly snapped again.

  "Thad!" the Admiral added.

  "After." I tuned them out.

  I did get a haircut from tiny Rozarian guy at the Quick Clips in the mall. Then I stopped in at the Cowboy Corral for another beer. I sat down on a barstool and watched the late game which was being rebroadcast from Earth while I nursed a bottle of Coors and ate a half way decent plate of wings.

  Just after halftime, a guy sat down on the stool next to me and ordered his own bottle of Coors. From the corner of my eye, I noticed he was big, a lot bigger than these Rozarians, probably about my size or maybe even taller. He had long wavy black hair that hung down his back and was wearing black sunglasses even though it was dark here in the bar. He had a cig in his left hand which kept wafting smoke in my direction.

  "Hey, can you put that out or blow it the other way?" I turned and asked politely before realizing I should have kept my mouth shut. His biceps were about the size of each of my thighs with an enormous black tattoo of an eagle running down the length of his left one. He took a long drag on his cig and then exhaled the smoke to the ceiling, flashing shiny white teeth with strangely crooked incisors. "Sorry Dude," I apologized quickly. "Smoke that anywhere you want. I'm cool with that. Nice tat, by the way. Very…nice and…cool."

  He didn't respond, just silently smoked his cig, while studying me through his dark glasses and blowing more smoke in my airspace.

  "Good game," I offered nervously working really hard to backtrack from my initial faux pas.

  Getting into a bar fight with this big alien dude would probably not be the best choice. His hand looked strong enough to break my head off my neck, and his expression looked like he might even enjoy it.

  "Is it?" he asked in thickly accented English. I assumed he was referring to the game rather than the strength of his hand.

  "Uh yeah. Those…uh…" Strangely, I couldn't remember who had been playing. In fact as I sat there, I wondered if I had drunk too many beers or perhaps I was imbibing something other than tobacco from his second-hand smoke. My head started to get fuzzy, my vision clouded over. The back of my neck felt hot, and I began to sweat. Then, just as a quickly my head cleared. "Hey Buddy," I said to the guy, now feeling extraordinarily loving and charitable to this odd dude who probably rode in on a Space Harley and had a 40 inch knife shoved into his belt. "Can I buy you a beer?"

  "Buddy?" he repeated as if he didn't understand the word while watching me curiously from behind those dark glasses. "Yes. You many buy for me a beer."

  So, I did, and after that he bought me a couple more and in a drunken haze, I opened my mouth and began to talk. I told him about my family, useless Larry, Admiral Tim, indomitable Shelly and of course, Jimmy and Gwen. I recalled being in school, failing and retaking my exams and finally graduating with a solid C plus.

  While the game played on the screen behind us, I told him about my own not so illustrious football career, how Dennis knocked me flat when he was supposed to be tackling the opposing team.

  I filled him in on Leslie, and how I knew at our wedding it was going to be a bust, and how after auditioning several others, she finally ended up with our dentist.

  "That was incredibly disappointing," I told him, "as I haven't found anybody else who was as good at cleaning my teeth." Then I summed it with my trip to this planet and how I realized it was all a mistake. "It's that Bag Pipe Reggae Hip Hop anthem," I choked, tears threatening at my eyes. "And the fact that I'm drunk and sitting in a bar spilling my soul to a weird alien biker dude with fangs for teeth. Tomorrow, I've got to interview with my mom's boss, some geek freak Rozarian doctor for a job he wants me to do. I'm obviously a loser. My whole life is messed up but thanks for listening, dude. You're really easy to talk to, and despite everything, I feel a little better."

  In my drunken state, I leaned over and made to hug him with my arm. The expression on his face stopped me flat, so I scooted back onto my chair.

  "This is good for you," my drinking buddy said and rising to his feet, threw some money on the bar. "You should go home now and sleep this off."

  "I will," I nodded emphatically, "right away. I will. I promise."

  "Sober up before tomorrow, Zad. You have work you need to do."

  "I will," I insisted as he walked away. "I need to make a really good impression."

  Then, I passed out on the counter, smashing my nose, before being sent home in a cab by the bartender.

  The next morning, I showered and dressed in my most expensive suit. I drank seven cups of thick black coffee before I even left the house. I chewed two packets of spearmint gum and then a whole bag of potato chips to mask any lingering smell. I was feeling totally hung and nauseous besides, as my stomach churned from the toxic menu I had just imbibed.

  Nevertheless, I marched forward into the Rozari Science Institute and checked into the doctor's office by giving my mother my name.

  "Go ahead and go in, honey," she said and unlocked the door.

  So, I entered to greet my new employer, the biker dude from the night before.

  "Zad," he said, his feet propped up on his desk, a netbook in his lap, a cig on his lip. Those black sunglasses still hid his eyes, but something sparkled from behind them. "You will limit your alcoholic consumption while under my employ."

  "Yes, sir." My stomach churned and then heaved. I up chucked everything, coffee, chips, gum and beer all over the expensive Oriental rug on his floor. "Oh man, I'm so sorry."

  First, I swooned, and then, I fainted into the mess, only to awake a half a moment later. Und
oubtedly, this topped it. This was my worst blunder ever. I simply couldn't get any lamer than this.

  "Are you finished?" he asked not having moved from his chair.

  "I think so." I made to clean it up.

  "When you are ready, I shall give you your first task. That was your final mistake."

  I washed up the rug and then cleaned up myself, removing my suit coat and wiping down the front of my shirt. Then I sat before his desk while he explained my new job, and I learned what he wanted me to do. Over the course of the next few days and weeks and ultimately, the years that were to come, I discovered he was entirely correct. Though I made a few errors and boo booed many times, never again did I make a mistake.

  ####

  Start the adventure with

  The Boy who Lit up the Sky

  The Two Moons of Rehnor, Book 1

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