When Our Worlds Fall Apart

by Lindsey Iler

  When Our Worlds Fall Apart

  Our World, Volume 2

  Lindsey Iler

  Published by Lindsey Iler, 2015.

  This is a work of fiction. Similarities to real people, places, or events are entirely coincidental.

  WHEN OUR WORLDS FALL APART

  First edition. November 17, 2015.

  Copyright © 2015 Lindsey Iler.

  Written by Lindsey Iler.

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Dedication

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  To those who have loved beyond reason.

  Chapter One

  Kennedy

  Violet bursts through my bedroom door, my mom close on her heels.

  “Good God, woman! Get out of bed and I mean right now.” She turns to my TV with a disgusted snarl on her lip. “Please tell me this is the first time you’ve watched this movie this week, or has it been on a depressing loop?”

  “Pretty Woman is a classic,” I argue, knowing it won’t do me any good.

  All summer, Violet’s barged through my door, trying to drag my butt out of baggy sweatpants and oversized t-shirts. Her persistence is admirable.

  “I had a little discussion with your mom and dad, and we agree you need to jump in the shower, put on real clothes, and do your hair. Please, do your damn hair.” Violet digs her hands into her hips and scowls at me.

  I play with the frizzy tendrils around my scalp. “I can’t.” I grab the remote and mute the television.

  Violet turns to face my mother whose expression hasn’t changed since they brought me home from the hospital four months ago. The tenderness in her eyes hides behind a shield of wariness as if she’s afraid I’m not pliable anymore. Like I could break if anyone comes too close. After Craig’s attack, I haven’t been up to being around people. In fact, other than Violet, I’ve managed to avoid everyone in town.

  Arrangements with the high school made it possible for me to finish my schoolwork and complete my final exams from home. We only had a month left of school anyway. Busting my ass over the years paid off for me. I didn’t have to walk through the halls and see the pitying glances and hear somber condolences.

  “Maybe I should do this alone.” Violet addresses my mother, a mischievous grin on her face.

  Mom peeks over my best friend’s shoulder to give me a sympathetic, encouraging smile before leaving. Violet is relentless, and she’ll end up getting her way in the end. It’s smarter, not to mention easier, to go with what she says than try to fight her. I’ll always lose the battle against a force of nature like Violet.

  Once my mother’s down the hall, Violet slams the door and stomps toward my dresser without glancing back at me. I cuddle under the comforter, watching her red hair fly around her face as she darts around my room.

  The clock on my nightstand shows it’s already seven at night. Time hasn’t really been relevant to me lately. Most days slip by without me knowing or caring what day it is.

  “Vi, you want to tell me what’s so important that I have to get out of bed to socialize?”

  She skims through my closet at a frantic pace, throwing blouses and jeans at me as if her life depends on it. When she storms out, she crosses her arms and glares at me.

  “I’m looking for something for you to wear tonight. We, as in you and me,” she points between the two of us, “are going to Dan’s.” She understands what she’s asking of me, but like any best friend, she knows I need this. She’s the one person willing to push me.

  Dan’s house.

  The thought makes my breath hitch in a loud gasp. Violet sits on the foot of the bed, fighting tears as she gazes at me. She knows why I don’t want to go anywhere, and not just to Dan’s. It’s the reason I’ve spent my entire summer locked in my house, except the time my parents forced me to go to California with them to see my brother. The purpose of the vacation was to get me out of the house and around other people. They have fussed and worried over me all summer, being way too attentive. I see it in the way they look at me as if they are afraid they’ve pushed me too hard or not hard enough.

  “I know you’re scared, Ken. At some point soon, like literally next week, you have to leave this room. School starts soon, baby girl, which means you’ll have to take off those hideous sweats and actually put on something made of denim. Stretchy cotton at the very least,” Violet explains with sincere understanding thick in her voice.

  I know she means well and, deep down, I know she’s right. I won’t have an excuse after this week. I can’t avoid school forever. I can’t avoid everyone forever, but God, I wish I could.

  Maybe mom will reconsider homeschooling me.

  I shake the thought away, and fear quickly follows in after it.

  Violet wants me to go to Dan’s.

  I’m going to Dan’s tonight.

  Back to where everything fell apart.

  Back to where we fell apart.

  I pull at the invisible tether attached to my heart as panic rises in my chest. Will I be able to handle going back there? Can I endure a night around the people who considered Craig one of their closest friends?

  Since the attack, Craig has posted bail and is awaiting his trial. Of course, an in and out stay at the county jail is what a fancy, high-powered attorney will get you. My lawyer believes his defense will be pure avoidance. The argument will be that what happened between us was consensual, which would explain why they found his DNA. As far as the bodily harm charges, he will deny ever being involved, thus ensuring a lower sentence. Without any witnesses, a jury will decide if there’s enough evidence against him to put him away for what my lawyer calls aggravated rape. I’ve been doing my best to gulp down the harsh reality of the situation. A small sliver of a chance exists that Craig could walk, with no blame, and then what? He’s free to commit the same crime to another girl?

  With him out of jail, I’m always afraid someone is lurking in the darkness. He’s stolen my sense of security. He’s taken my control away from me. Another thing my therapist, Jackie, and I are furiously working on is for me to learn that an attack doesn’t mean I lose everything.

  Craig also took Graham from me, and I never intended to give up on him. The night he walked out of the hospital room was the hardest night of my life, but I let him go. In Graham’s mind, it’s what was necessary for his own survival. He can’t live with what happened to me. No explanation, no justification can make him see it my way.

  I don’t blame Graham for everything bad in my life. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. He
brought a lot of things into my life. They weren’t all bad like he wants to believe.

  I’ve heard a few things from Violet. A few things I’d like to forget. A few things I’m not too surprised to hear. According to her, (which she reluctantly told me after I’d argued I desperately needed to know), Graham is back to his old ways.

  He warned me this would happen. Because of the car accident and everything surrounding Craig, Graham has the crazy idea he’s the common denominator. It doesn’t matter what anyone else tells him. He doesn’t want to hear it.

  “I’m afraid to see everyone. I don’t want to be treated like I’m a piece of glass.” I fling the covers off the bed. My chipped nail polish catches my attention when I rub my palms up and down my thighs.

  “Kennedy, everyone’s been asking about you. Everybody wants to make sure you’re okay.” Violet responds to my worst fears. “Dan would like to see you, you know? He’s been afraid to stop by. He feels guilty because it happened right under his nose at his house.”

  “It’s no one’s fault except Craig’s.”

  “Exactly, so let’s get you dolled up and out of the house. You could use some fresh air and a good time. If it gets to be too much, then I’ll leave with you. No questions asked.” Violet smiles as she passes me an outfit from the floor. I accept the clothes when I realize she’s right.

  I drag into the bathroom to shower, feeling both excited and frightened. Eventually, I have to move on from what happened. I’ll never forget, though, even when I try. It’s too big a part of who I am now, but as I go, I’m slowly figuring out, it’s not something I should allow to control my every move.

  I’m a senior now. My summer should have been spent going out and making memories, not watching movies all day. At least, this is what my therapist keeps telling me.

  After being released from the hospital, I was referred to a therapist who I see every week. (My doctor’s idea and my parents agreed.) Sometimes, once a week doesn’t seem like enough, though. The first appointment, I stared at the ceiling, watching the fan twirl around and around like it did the first night in Craig’s bedroom. I was frozen in my own skin again. I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I cried. My therapist, Jackie, (she likes me to call her by her first name—she says it’s more personal), broke down my walls. Ever since, I’ve gone willingly, and it’s been helping. The nightmares have died down. They aren’t as vivid anymore.

  Blow drying my long, thick hair, and then curling chunky pieces into loose curls takes what feels like an eternity. Several times, Violet peeks her head through the door to see how much longer I’m going to be. Let’s be honest, she’s checking on my progress. She’s anxious to get me out of the house like any good friend would be. Violet worries like a mother, but bitches like a best friend.

  When I walk out of the bathroom, Violet’s mouth drops open. Her usual self is overdramatic.

  “What?” I question, walking to my dresser. I slip on a handful of bangles and put in my favorite pair of gold, diamond earrings.

  “You’re fucking hot!” Violet shouts, dragging out the H. She jumps from the bed to wrap me in a hug. “No one will know what hit them.”

  “I look like I usually do.” I brush off her comment as a ploy to encourage my departure.

  “No, you don’t. You no longer have that god awful cast on. Your hair is longer and more beautiful, which will drive the guys crazy. You know they like something to hold onto.” Violet winks at me. “Plus, that top is sexy as hell.”

  I twist to the mirror to see what she means. Never one to be conceited, I know I’m decent looking. This time, I have to admit Violet is spot on about the top. The flowing, thin, black tank is longer in the back and much shorter in the front. If I move just right, a sliver of my stomach is exposed. Eating has been a chore all summer, making me much skinnier than what I used to be.

  One last time, I glance in the mirror. As my reflection stares back at me, I’m surprised. Maybe I don’t give myself as much credit as I should.

  “If we’re going to do this, then we better leave before I change my mind,” I bicker as I slide cheetah print flats on my feet.

  Violet and I wave to my parents in the living room, watching a movie. They haven’t argued much lately. At least, I haven’t overheard them. It’s a relief. No one wants her parents to fight unless she’s fucking nuts.

  Since everything happened, I curse more. Actually, I curse a lot. I have a new understanding of why Violet has such a disgusting mouth. It’s therapeutic, in some sort of trashy way.

  We jump into Violet’s Mustang. Dan’s house is a short drive away, but long enough for me to begin to panic. As my anxiety grows, my fists clench and my heart races. I lean back against the plush material, rolling my neck from side to side. Violet scans through her iPod for a song to play while I quietly stare out the window. This night is needed and well overdue, but my knowing it doesn’t ease any of my anxiety.

  “He’s going to be there,” Violet whispers as if she speaks any louder, I will break down.

  I’ve thought about seeing him, what it will be like to come face to face with him again. The realization that Graham’s going to be around is tough on my heart. We might even have a few classes together this year. I can’t avoid him forever.

  I hold my breath without realizing what I’m doing. I can admit I’m scared and anxious about seeing him for the first time. What am I supposed to say to him? Do we act as if nothing ever happened? Am I expected to act like I never loved him? That I’m not still in love with him?

  “I’ll be okay,” I lie.

  Violet takes her gaze off the road for a split second to check on me. She knows I’m not going to be okay. In reassurance, she reaches over and squeezes my hand in hers.

  We arrive and park in the driveway. Dan makes sure it’s free of cars so Violet doesn’t have to walk through the grass and mud. He’s sweet to her like that.

  I step out of the car to music pulsating through the open windows and doors. My heart beats double time. I debate diving back into the car and locking the doors behind me. Violet runs up beside me, flings her arm around my shoulders, and pulls me close to her side.

  “Let’s go get you a drink. A strong one.” Violet propels me to the front door. She’s trying to encourage me, but what she needs to understand is none of this is easy for me.

  I stop our entrance and face my best friend. “Thank you... for everything, Vi.”

  Flashing her bright teeth, she smiles. We both know I’m not thanking her just for dragging me out tonight, but mainly for sitting with me all summer when she could’ve been at the beach.

  I follow Violet straight to the kitchen in hopes of avoiding eye contact with anyone. I feel the stares on me. Hushed whispers reach me as Violet offers me a red Solo cup full of beer from the keg. I shake my head in disapproval.

  Before I know what’s happening, someone scoops me up from behind, crushing my back to a firm chest. The huge hands belong to a guy. My breathing grows harsh, and sweat beads on my palms.

  No one here is going to hurt me, I tell myself over and over again. My eyes clench shut against the sheer panic.

  The unknown guy spins me until I open my eyes to a friendly face.

  “Dan,” I scream before I throw myself into his chest and open arms. “You scared the shit out of me.”

  “We can’t have that now, can we?” Dan flashes me his know-all smile. He pulls back, holding me at arm’s length for his inspection. “I’ve missed you, sweetheart.”

  It shouldn’t happen, but it does. My eyes well up with tears. Dan notices and draws me into another hug, shielding me from intruding glances. The last thing I want is for everyone to see me break down, and he somehow knows exactly what I need from him.

  “You’re okay. You’re okay,” Dan repeatedly whispers in my ear while guiding me to the back deck, my face buried in his broad chest. Once we’re outside alone, we release our hold.

  “I’ll be okay. It’s just a lot to take in all at once, but it�
�s good. I’m good.”

  I see tenderness in Dan’s blue irises. It is easy to understand why Violet is smitten with him.

  “I’m glad you’re back. I wanted to come by so many times. I didn’t know if you wanted to see anyone.”

  “I got your flowers and balloons. I don’t know how appropriate the ‘Sorry your dog died’ card was, but it gave me a good laugh when I needed one the most.” I giggle, thinking about the day his present arrived on my doorstep.

  I never expect anything less from playful, kindhearted Dan. With his 6’3” stature, a person would think he would be intimidating, but he’s the opposite. He’s like an oversized teddy bear with a mop of brown hair and icy blue eyes.

  “I told him it wasn’t a good idea, but he insisted.”

  The familiar, deep voice coming from the side of the deck startles me. I haven’t heard that voice in a long time, but I could never forget it, even if I tried.

  When I spin to face Graham, my breath catches in my throat, and naturally, I have trouble looking away. He’s wearing those damn jeans that always drove me crazy, and a tight, University of Georgia, long sleeve, baseball t-shirt. It stretches over his chest, showing he spent his summer working out. His hair is shorter than he used to keep it. I like the new look.

  He’s still gorgeous. Damn, this would be easier if he got a little bit fatter over the summer.

  Graham walks up the steps to the deck until he’s directly in front of me. Not knowing what to say, I wrap myself around his waist and squeeze him. A part of me doesn’t want to let go, but he’s not mine to hold onto anymore. Knowing how inappropriate the action is after everything we’ve been through, I drop my grasp on the back of his shirt and step away from him like I’ve been burnt. Maybe a small part of me has. I think I hear Graham release a long breath of air as if he was holding his in right along with mine.

  “Hi, Ken,” Graham mumbles with a nod as if he’s having his own conversation with himself. “You look good.”

  “How have you been?” I already know what he’s been doing.

  I glance at Dan, who’s watching the odd exchange. His smile is sympathetic, knowing how hard this is for me. Dan and Graham are good friends. This can’t be easy for him since he’s become sort of my brother from afar. Violet has told me numerous times throughout the summer how worried he’s been, and how he’s constantly asking if I need anything.