When Our Worlds Fall Apart

by Lindsey Iler

  “Well, actually, it doesn’t look like we’re going to be apart for long,” Amanda states in a quiet voice.

  “What do you mean?” I spin around, praying she says what I want to hear.

  “I got in,” Amanda shrieks.

  “A fight?” Violet jokes, her wide eyes filled with hope.

  “N-Y-U!” Amanda announces and lets out a deafening squeal.

  People stop to watch us jumping up and down and squealing in celebration.

  “So, let me get this straight.” I look at the two of them in wonder. “I’ll be at Columbia. Amanda, you’ll be at NYU, and Violet will be interning in the city. This means we’ll all be together next year.” My cheeks ache from the stretch of my smile.

  “You decided, then?” Violet tilts her head to the side and raises her eyebrows.

  “Just drop it, Vi.” My pace quickens as an impatient snort slips from my mouth.

  Violet catches up to me and links her arm through mine. Amanda’s a few steps behind, giving us space. “Have you even told him yet?”

  “Graham doesn’t need to know anything.”

  “I meant Mark, Ken, but don’t you think it’s funny that when I said him, your head automatically filled in the blank with Graham.”

  “New York is where I’m supposed to be, Vi. Georgia was a pipe dream.” I unravel her arm from mine and rush over to the car, needing a moment alone.

  Violet and Amanda slide into their seats. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing the right thing. New York has always been your dream. You shouldn’t give it up on what ifs,” Violet says she wraps her arms around my shoulders, squeezing me from the backseat.

  When I twist to her, a sad smile adorns her face, and I fight back the tears begging to release. I gaze through the front window, lost in my own thoughts of what my future could have looked like. “I would’ve gone if he’d asked.”

  Violet dries the tears before they reach my cheek. “I know you would’ve, sweetie, I know.”

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Graham

  “Nice tattoo, but I think I like the other one better,” I whisper into Kennedy’s ear as I walk by her locker, sliding my fingertip over her ribcage.

  Her entire body tenses as she turns in my direction. The ballet slippers are hidden away in the perfect spot on her ribs. I’ve eyeballed the new addition for the past two weeks, but have never said anything. Of course, how can I when Mark’s always by her side?

  The heat of her body washes over me, sending me on high alert.

  “Today’s the big day, right?”

  “Today is, in fact, the day I’ll be accepting my scholarship to Georgia,” I answer. My smile is wide because life feels like it’s finally falling into place.

  “I’m so proud of you, Graham.” She beams a smile, bumps her elbow into my side, and scurries down the hall. I watch her walk away and groan as her hips shift from side to side.

  “Put your tongue back in your mouth, Bro.” Dan’s chest heaves from laughter.

  “Fuck off.” My eyes narrow on him. I turn my back and head to class.

  *****

  Smiles and loud praises greet me when I walk out onto the baseball diamond. Coach meets me by the fence and ushers me to a table with two chairs. In front, rows of cameras line the field to snap my photo as I sign my letter of intent.

  My teammates surround the dugout, and friends fill the bleachers. Kennedy sits with Amanda and Violet, her eyes glued to me as I sit in one of the chairs.

  Coach brings the microphone to his mouth. The sound system buzzes to life as he speaks.

  “Most of you know who I am, but you probably don’t know that this young man is like a son to me.” His voice cracks. “I’ve watched him grow from a scrawny, young freshman...”

  “I was never scrawny, Coach,” I shout, and everyone laughs.

  “Even after four years, he still interrupts me.” Coach grins at me. “Never did I think he’d turn into the ball player he is today. His strength, on the field and off the field, is immeasurable. He’s grown into a strong, independent, loyal teammate, friend, and son.” Contentment resonates when he says son. He slaps his hand down on my shoulder with pride. “Seeing him sitting here, getting ready to sign his intent letter to his dream school, couldn’t make me any more proud.” Coach extends the mic to me. “Would you like to say something?”

  I take a deep breath and hold the mic in my hand. Adrenaline courses through me, leaving my mouth dry and my hands trembling. My stare lands on Kennedy.

  “Without you, I wouldn’t be here today.”

  Kennedy’s eyes widen with the realization my words are meant for her. A sad smile plays on her lips, and I turn because I can’t bear to see it. My dreams are coming true because of her. The words needed to be said, spoken out loud, and put out into the universe.

  As I look around the crowd gathered to see my greatest accomplishment, it doesn’t surprise me that my mom’s face isn’t in the crowd. How could she show up here when she has bruises under her eyes?

  Coach places my intent letter in front of me and stands behind me as I sign my name on the dotted line. I’m eager to start a new chapter, in a different state, away from everything that reminds me of this town. I shake his hand, and the cameras flash, blinding me with the rapid-fire shots.

  Arms wrap around my neck and pull me down.

  “Congratulations.” Violet’s smile is bright.

  “Thank you,” I whisper into her ear and release her.

  “Good luck.” Violet laughs and moves out of the way, patting me on the chest.

  Kennedy stares at her shoes shuffling in place.

  “Thank you,” I say to gain her attention.

  As though I’m breaking her from some spell, her head snaps up at my voice. Her lips turn up in the slightest of smiles as she walks over and wraps her arms around my waist. I breathe her in, take in everything that is Kennedy. The smell of her shampoo. The curve of the small of her back. The way she gently rests her hands on my chest. Her fingers barely move, but I feel every thought in her head as she worries the fabric of my shirt.

  “Don’t thank me. I didn’t do anything you wouldn’t have done for me,” Kennedy whispers into my chest. She pulls her head away from my t-shirt and gazes up at me. “I’m so damn proud of you, Graham. I was right all along, and I hope you’re starting to see that.” Her hand waves around beside us at the crowd. “Look at this. They’re all here for you. That’s something to be proud of.”

  I nod my head and watch her walk away. She reaches the fence and turns back to me. People mob around the space between us, and although I’m unsure, I run to her when our eyes lock on each other through the masses. My chest heaves as I take her hands in mine. Leaning forward, I kiss beside her ear.

  “You’re the best kind of sleep and will always be my reason for waking up in the morning,” I whisper. I know I shouldn’t say it, but the excitement of the day has made me realize I will not have many more opportunities.

  When I take a step back, Kennedy reaches for me, then tucks one arm behind the other to stop herself. I break away from the moment when Coach calls out to me.

  After answering a few questions from reporters about my future in baseball, I head back to finish fourth period. My mind is fuzzy from all of the commotion of the day. By the end of class, I’m ready to get out on the field, relieve some stress, and clear my head.

  I walk through the empty hallways to the locker room. The guys greet me with cheers and hollers. Cellphone in hand, I throw my bag into my locker. When I find no messages or missed calls, I feel a twinge of disappointment. On the most important day of my life thus far, the people who are supposed to be congratulating me are nowhere to be found.

  “Congrats, man.” Mark says as he plops down on the bench in front of me. A long, pregnant pause follows. “I know things have been strained this year...” His thought trails off.

  “Don’t get all mushy on me now,” I joke, not in the mood to have this conversa
tion before a game. He laughs me off and finishes putting on his gear.

  When our team walks to the field to warm up, I feel alive. The blood races through my veins. My heart thumps strong in my chest. Mark stands behind home plate and I make my way to the mound. My eyes scan the guys in the outfield tossing the balls back and forth at rapid speed. Most of us have played together since T-ball. To think about not playing with them next year is strange. With any team, you gain a certain respect and understanding between each member. There’s a brotherhood between all of us. We instinctively know someone’s next step because of the camaraderie.

  Mark pushes his mask to the top of his head and looks at me as I watch my teammates. A melancholy feeling falls over me.

  “You ready?” Mark shouts across the field, breaking me from my thoughts.

  I toss the ball into my glove five or six times before I set up for my pitch. Mark pulls the mask over his face and crouches into position. Every one of my muscles contracts as I set up. My leg lifts as my shoulder stretches back and snaps forward. The ball dances from my hand in perfect form and crosses home plate into Mark’s glove. He stands and throws the ball back to me. I lean forward to catch it. We continue this routine, switching up the pitches as we go.

  Coach walks through the gate, his clipboard under his arm and his game face on. He gets a bit amped up on game days. As fans enter the stadium to watch one of the last few games we’ll have this year, Coach waves the team in to give the game time speech.

  We stand in a circle to stretch, cracking jokes about our opponents, and my eyes scan their team in search of one. Jacob Landers. As though he feels my skeptical eyes on him, he turns in my direction. We stand on opposite ends of the field in a strong stare down.

  Jacob’s eyes shift from mine to the stands. He walks over to the fence in front of the home bleachers. Kennedy’s glance moves from her camera screen to Jacob. Her eyes widen and swing awkwardly around the field.

  “He thinks you two are dating, right?” Dan says, standing beside me with his arms crossed over his chest.

  I stretch my arms and nod my head. We laugh when Jacob flashes his pearly white teeth to the girls as they stifle their laughter.

  “What do you think they’re saying to him?” Dan’s eyes narrow on them to get a better look at the situation.

  “Knowing Violet, she’s probably telling him to fuck off.” I grab my baseball hat out of the dugout, pull it over my eyes, and watch Jacob walk back to their side of the field. He turns back to me with a cocky grin on his face. With my middle finger raised at him, I chuckle punching my fist into my mit.

  The game couldn’t have gone better if I’d mapped it out myself. The scoreboard reads eleven to six as the last seconds tick off on the clock. Five of those runs we scored in the last inning to solidify our win, with Dan’s homerun calling home three of them. The team cheers in the middle of the field as the stands shout the fight song with pride.

  As I walk across the lot to the locker room, an arm wraps around my waist. When I gaze down, Kennedy grins up at me as if she’s hiding a secret.

  “What are you up to?” I question with a raised brow.

  “Just play along, please,” Kennedy begs between clenched teeth. Her glance falls behind us. Jacob Landers leans against the side of their bus. “Bye, Jacob.” She smiles wide and waves her fingers at him in a sweet, but condescending gesture.

  Kennedy turns back to me, wraps her hands around me again, and stifles a giggle.

  “Ken, what was that all about?” I question, rubbing my hand up and down her back.

  “Jacob walked over talking shit about you, saying if I wanted a real man, I’d be on his arm and a bunch of other bullshit. So, I might have forgotten to tell him you and I aren’t dating anymore to get a rise out of him,” Kennedy confesses. Her smile lifts against my chest.

  “You did what?” My back stiffens.

  “I couldn’t let him get away with being a total douche nozzle. The lie was for a good cause.” She arches her back to gaze up at me.

  “Well, we might as well give him a show if he’s going to watch.” I smirk at her. This should be fun.

  I look around the almost empty parking lot and spot none of my teammates. With her back directly facing Jacob, I catch his glare over her shoulder. When I gaze down into her crystal clear eyes, they widen with surprise, then dart between the close proximity of the two of us. Her pink lips quiver until she bites down to stop them.

  “Graham...” Kennedy lowers her voice to a sexy whisper.

  “Just let me have it, okay?” I beg and silently pray she doesn’t push me away.

  My lips lower to hers in the most painful, agonizing movement. As if I’m trying not to frighten her away, I stop right before they touch. Her eyelashes blink heavily. Anticipation and desire fire up in her eyes.

  “Grah...” she utters, but I cut her off.

  The moment our lips touch, it’s as though the whole world slows on its axis for us to enjoy each other. My hands find comfort on her delicate neck below her jaw line. Her fingernails dig into the front of my baseball uniform as she pulls us closer together and the kiss deepens.

  Kennedy and I could’ve been here for seconds or minutes. Time doesn’t matter when you experience a kiss like this one. All that matters is, even though everything has changed around us, I still have this sense of hope that she and I are the same.

  Our lips drop from each other and we both take several deep breaths in recovery.

  “I never thought we’d ever...” Kennedy begins, touching her lips. “I just thought that the last time we kissed was our last.” Her voice cracks under her words, and she dabs at the corner of her eyes. “You shouldn’t have done that.”

  I lean down and whisper, “Kennedy, I shouldn’t have done a lot of things in my life. Kissing you isn’t one of them.”

  “What am I supposed to do with that?” Kennedy says, frantic. Her eyes give the near empty parking lot a once over before returning to me.

  “I know I shouldn’t have kissed you, but I don’t think the urge will ever leave me,” I state. “You’re with Mark now and I know that. What I did just now wasn’t fair to him or you.” My body turns to walk away, once again.

  “Graham,” Kennedy calls. With one shrug of her shoulders, her smile slants as she tries to take some of the guilt on herself. “I kissed you back.”

  “Okay then,” I call back to her with a faint smile.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Kennedy

  “A rather large envelope came in the mail for you today, Ken,” my mom shouts from the kitchen when Mark and I step in the front door. My back straightens and my eyes shift from side to side, hoping Mark didn’t hear her.

  “Okay, I’ll look at it later.” I dismiss the information.

  It’s starting to feel like time won’t slow down. My anxiety is through the roof over our upcoming graduation and all of the choices coming with this phase of my life. I don’t want to make the wrong ones, and as I reflect on the past four years, hell, the past two weeks, there are things that I would like to revisit or rewind, and some I’d kill to relive.

  One kiss in particular, a kiss I’ve tucked away in the dark depths of my brain, only to draw it out when I’m in the mood for some self-deprecation.

  You get one shot in this life. You have to cross your fingers, shut your eyes, and pray you’ve made the best decisions for yourself. I haven’t been as sure of mine lately.

  “How was practice, sweetie?” My mom steps out of the kitchen to greet Mark as we head down the hall to my bedroom.

  “Intense. You guys going to make it to the game on Friday?” he asks. A wide smile plasters across his face. He’s become a welcome fixture in the Conrad house.

  “We’ll be there.” She nods. “You kids head in to do your homework. I’ll call you when dinner’s ready.” She shoos us away, and I hold back my laughter as she shoves Mark and me into my room. Alone.

  When we cross the threshold, Mark turns to shut th
e door. His hips twist toward me and he throws me a playful smirk. He rubs his fingers together at his sides.

  “I’ve missed you all day. Were you dodging me or something?” Mark asks.

  “Why would I dodge you?” I offer as a distraction. “With yearbook and exams, my life’s been kind of hectic.”

  “Things have been weird since Spring Break, Kennedy.”

  “I’m stressed and I need life to slow down. That’s all it is, I swear.”

  I walk over to my dresser and take out a hooded sweatshirt. When I tug the material over my head, my eyes catch the thick, large envelope sitting on the top of my dresser. I slide open the top drawer and tuck the package out of sight.

  “Have you made a decision yet?” Mark’s voice startles me so much I jolt.

  “Decision about what?” I turn, cupping my elbow in my hand and wondering if, somehow, he got word about the kiss.

  “The talent show,” Mark states as if the answer is obvious. “You’re being jumpy.”

  “Oh.” I release a long, relieved breath. “I decided last week to do it. I signed up, so it looks like I’ll be hitting the stage in two weeks.”

  Mark jumps from the bed and is by my side in seconds. His arms wrap around my waist, and he lifts me and spins us until he drops us to the carpet.

  “I’m so proud of you, babe. I know it’s been a hard road to get here, but to see you dance again...” Mark’s eyes are hopeful as he brushes my hair from my face. “It will be well worth all the hard work you’ve done.”

  This is where I feel obligated to kiss him. The thing is, my attitude has nothing to do with him. This is all on me.

  My lips descend on his for what I plan to be a quick peck, but he has another idea, like usual. Holding me in place with a tight grip on the back of my head, Mark’s lips dig into mine with a clear message.

  “It’s time for dinner,” My mom’s voice breaks us apart.