"I can't act like myself while dressed this way, can I?" We all laughed, but I wondered if she had just hit on the reason I was reluctant to wear my hanbok on campus.
After dessert, Mrs. Lloyd said, "Oh, Sookan, I have something for you." She hurried to her room and brought out a large maroon book. "Here, open it. Making scrapbooks is sort of a hobby of mine. I kept seeing you in the school newsletter, so I cut the articles out and started a scrapbook for you. I thought you might like to have all these to send home to your family."
As I flipped through the pages, I saw a picture of me in my hanbok speaking to the Girl Scouts, another picture of me talking to the local Ladies Garden Club, and a big clipping of me greeting visitors to the school. I had seen the photos in the school newsletters, but I hadn't thought to save them. Now, though, I was glad to be able to look back on what I had done over the past three months. I thanked Mrs. Lloyd for the thoughtful gift. She hadn't even met me until today, and she had been clipping articles since the first day I moved in with Ellen!
As I continued to look through the scrapbook, Mrs. Lloyd said, "Your family must be so proud of you. You have become quite an excellent ambassador for your country, and have made lots of friends, I hear."
It felt so good to hear her say all these nice things. In Korea, elders did not bestow such generous compliments. Young people were expected to do well, and it was their job not to disappoint their elders. After spending so much time worrying about disappointing my sister, I appreciated hearing that I had done something right lately.
"Sookan, are you feeling all right?" Mrs. Lloyd asked. "You're looking terribly pale all of a sudden."
"Oh, yes, I'm fine. I think it's just the excitement of my first Thanksgiving."
"No, she's not fine," Ellen piped in. "She's been running herself ragged. I told you she waitresses at the dining hall every weekday evening, then she sneaks out of the room and spends half the night studying. And she spends her weekends baby-sitting or working at the administration office."
Mrs. Lloyd placed her hand on my shoulder and said firmly, "Now, Sookan, I order you to go upstairs and sleep. You need to get some rest this weekend."
I was a bit embarrassed, but I thanked her and hurried to bed, trying to fight back tears. Her concerned, motherly voice was so comforting. I realized how very much I missed my own mother, and how lonesome I had been despite all the new friends I had made. Suddenly I felt the exhaustion of all the sleepless nights and attempts to fit in at school. I pulled the covers over my head, and sobbed until I fell asleep.
Chapter Ten
I heard the alarm clock go off, reached under the bed for the flashlight I kept hidden, and shined the beam on my wristwatch. It was five minutes to four o'clock and I had to get up to study. I hadn't touched any of the books that I had taken to the Lloyds over vacation. Mrs. Lloyd had made sure I rested the whole weekend, and though all the sleep did make me feel a little bit better, I had been back at school for several weeks and now had more work than ever.
Ellen was a heavy sleeper and fortunately never heard my alarm clock, but since she was sensitive to light, I couldn't work at my desk. I grabbed my pillow and blanket, and tiptoed upstairs to my usual spot. At the end of the hall was the shower room, the only room in the building where the lights were kept on all night. There, at the end of the long row of showers, were five sparkling clean bathtubs. I headed to the tub in the corner and spread out my blanket, placed my pillow at the back, and laid my books on the floor. I had discovered this spot the second week of school, and was a regular here. We weren't supposed to leave our rooms after the "lights out" bell, but I felt confident that no one would find me.
I picked up my book for Greek and Roman culture, and began madly flipping through my dictionary. I still had a hundred pages to go, and I had to finish before six, when people would arrive for their morning showers. I just had to make sure not to fall asleep. No one must ever find me here.
I kept pushing ahead with my reading, but I didn't feel right. My head was pounding, and my stomach was all tied up in knots. I pulled my knees into my chest, and kept reading. In order to pull my grade up, I needed a B on today's test. First semester report cards would be sent home soon, and I worried that my grades would shock my family. I had never gotten anything lower than an A—in Korea, but here, I would be lucky if I passed my courses. If only I didn't have to look up so many words; it took so long. The minutes ticked by too quickly and I still had ninety pages to read.
Suddenly, my head started spinning, and I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. I tried to rub the pain away, but it just kept getting worse. Everything seemed blurry. Terrified, I began to gather my books, pillow, and blanket. I had to get back to my room. As I stepped out of the tub, I felt myself fall, and watched the pillow, blanket, and all my books go flying across the floor.
I smelled antiseptic. Slowly, I lifted my heavy eyelids. The curtains were drawn, but the bright December sun cast a soft light on the walls of this quiet room. I looked over and saw an empty bed next to me. I had been in this room before. I had visited Ellen here when she had had the flu. It was so quiet, though. I wondered how long I had been here in the infirmary. I wondered if everyone had already left for Christmas vacation. I tried to sit up, but I felt too dizzy. I gave up and put my head back on the pillow.
"Ah, you're finally awake," Sister Reed said as she entered. "Your fever broke and you had a good rest. You will be fine now." She was carrying a large tray with a bowl of soup, some crackers, a glass of juice, and a vase filled with roses, carnations, and mums.
The scent of cut flowers and chicken soup comforted me. Overwhelmed by the attention, I awkwardly struggled to sit up.
"No, no, no, just lie still," Sister Reed urged. "You are better now, but not well enough to be up and about. Tomorrow, you will be fine. You fainted two days ago and you've been here ever since. Doctor McCormack has been in to check on you several times, and he says you are suffering from exhaustion. He gave you a strong sedative so that you would rest."
"I'm sorry I worried you, Sister Reed," I said as I tried to clear my scratchy throat. What a commotion I must have made so early in the morning.
"Don't fret about that, dear. We were just glad that we found you right away. Ginny Lake was heading in for an early shower, and she heard a big thud. She found you on the floor and called us immediately. I'm so relieved you weren't hurt." She patted my arm. "Doctor McCormack will be back this afternoon to look in on you, but you look much better today. Do you feel up to eating? Here, first try sipping some orange juice through this straw."
As Sister Reed watched me eat, she told me that Christmas vacation had started the day before. She had turned Ellen and Marci away so many times, she said, that they finally listened to her and went home but have been calling often. The flowers had come from the Bennetts, she added.
I started to sob.
"My dear," Sister Reed said as she bent over and kissed me on the forehead, "there is nothing to be concerned about. You are all right and the only thing you have to do now is get plenty of sleep. That will please me immensely. Don't you worry about a thing." She then brushed my hair off my face, pulled the blankets up around me, and quietly left. But I knew that as soon as I felt better, I would be in for a very long talk with her. As both a foreign and scholarship student, I was required to check in with her once a month. Each time, I had told her how much I was enjoying everything, and that I was managing just fine. I had always assured her that things were not too overwhelming or difficult. But our next visit would be different. I knew she would give me a lecture and ask me lots of questions. She would be watching me carefully from now on.
I had ruined everything for myself. I had failed Greek and Roman culture; 1 hadn't even taken the exam. My family would be crushed and angry when they saw my report card. I had assured them that I wasn't too young to study in America, and that I could handle it. Everything was a mess. I cried myself to sleep.
When I woke up, Marci was quie
tly sitting and reading beside me. She smiled. "Hey, sleepyhead. You were mumbling something about your report card and Sister Reed. And you were saying a lot of things in Korean. Were you dreaming? You shouldn't be worrying about that stuff now."
"Marci! Have you been here long?" I sat up and found I was feeling much better already.
"Oh, I've been here for about an hour. You look okay. I was really worried. I tried to come and see you a couple of times, but Sister Reed was guarding you and wouldn't even let me in. She asked me a lot of questions about you, too. I was so nervous I can't even remember half of what I said. I had to answer her, though. I hope you don't mind."
I couldn't help smiling. Marci wasn't fond of any of the nuns here and I could imagine how nervous she must have been when Sister Reed, with her piercing green eyes, interrogated her.
"Oh, that's all right, Marci. I am a bit afraid of her, but I know she cares for me a lot. I'm already starting to brace myself for the lecture I'm going to get from her. I assumed she had already heard about my sneaking up to the bathroom to study every night. And I bet Ellen told her that I haven't been to one mixer."
"Oh, Ellen was so upset. She told Sister Reed she wanted to sleep in the bed next to you and wait for you to wake up. Sister Reed sent her home and told her to call. She sent me home, too, but that's no big deal since I can just drive right over."
After one more day in the infirmary, Doctor McCormack told Sister Reed that I could leave as long as I took it easy.
"Marci will be here to take you to her house for Christmas vacation just as you both had planned," said Sister Reed, to my great surprise. "Ellen has called for you several times, but I thought it best that you rest. You can give her a call a little later. Maybe you and Marci and Ellen can all get together over vacation. Now, there is one condition. You are not to take any books with you to Marci's. In January, when you return, we will discuss your schedule."
Marci came running in. "This is great; you can come home with me now. I went by and got your mail for you. I'm just going to swing by the library and return some books, and then I'll come back and get you, okay?"
Chapter Eleven
There were letters from my mother and sister, and two pieces of folded construction paper that I knew were from little Sarah and Jimmy. I unfolded the piece of red construction paper; it was Sarah's. She had drawn a jolly Santa Claus saying, "Hi, Sookan, what do you want for Christmas? I don't know what you want. Can you tell me? From your Santa."
Jimmy had used green paper, and in black crayon, he had written: "St. Nick is coming. Our tree is all decorated. Will you come to see it?" Underneath, he had drawn a huge tree, groaning under the weight of all the decorations hanging from its limbs.
I realized that Christmas was only a few days away, and I didn't have gifts for anyone. I did still have a few things that I had brought from home. Mother had embroidered several hand towels for me to give as gifts. I knew Mrs. Bennett would like those. I had also brought a hand-carved wooden tiger, which Jimmy might enjoy. For Sarah, though, I had nothing. In a shop in town I had noticed a small china figurine of a little girl holding flowers. Sarah might like that. But I didn't have much money saved up, and what would I give to Marci and Ellen? I thought of the soft leather handbag I had wanted to buy for Mother, and the anatomy book I had intended to give Inchun. Perhaps over Christmas vacation I could earn enough money to buy these things and could mail them off in January. But how? I would be with Marci the whole time.
I opened Mother's letter.
My dear Sookan,
I am comforted to know that you are adjusting well to your new home and have already made some good friends. Young people learn everything so quickly. Since I am so far away from you and cannot understand all that you are facing, I feel that I can provide you with little advice. Hyunchun told me there is an English expression about doing things like a Roman when you are in Rome. I thought that expression was very wise. My main concern is that you always want to do everything so perfectly all the time. Give yourself some time. Struggling to do everything perfectly according to Korean and American tradition all at the same time will be too much for you. Now, you are a student in America, and you should enjoy your life there. Do not worry about things at home. I know how you fret about your brothers and me. You are such a worrywart. You always were. But all is well here.
Mrs. Na, the go-between, was over at the house earlier today. She brought several more pictures of potential brides for Hanchun. She insisted that I pick one, but I told her that Hanchun is not interested in marriage yet, nor are my second and third sons, and she must wait a little longer. She said she would be back in a few weeks. She is not likely to give up on me as I have three sons of marriageable age. I know you don't like her much, but she has made some very good matches. Of course, your aunts and uncles are also busy recommending girls from good families. So far, I am not pursuing any of this, and all is pretty much the same.
Hyunchun is now busier than ever. He was elected student body president and he also took on an extra job at the American Embassy as a clerk. He comes home at midnight most of the week.
Oh, a bit of news about Bokhi. She used to come by and chat with me, hoping to get a glimpse of Hyunchun. I always enjoyed her visits. She used to read all your letters and we would speak of you. She told me that she thinks of you every day, but finds it hard to write. She misses you too much and she said words are hardly adequate to express her feelings. But I am sure she will write one of these days.
We have not seen much of her lately. She has a lot of responsibilities at home. Her old aunt and many nephews keep her frightfully busy. Also, her family did not think it was proper for Bokhi to come to our house so often, and I can certainly understand that. Bokhi's aunt is looking for a suitable husband for her. I know she is in love with Hyunchun, but it would not work. Hyunchun has two elder brothers who need to be married first. His turn will not come for quite some time. My heart aches for Bokhi and I know Hyunchun feels bad about it, too. But time is not on their side. There is nothing for you to do and please do not worry. These things take their own course, and all will work out in the end. Marriages are complex family matters. I will do all I can to comfort Bokhi as you would. I thought you would like to know.
Promise me that you will look after yourself. Your brothers send their best. I saw Hyunchun writing you a letter, but I doubt he will ever finish it and mail it. That is just the way he is. None of them is a good correspondent, I'm afraid. I know Inchun thinks of you often, though he hardly ever says a thing. When we read your letters aloud, he acts like he is not even paying attention, but later, he wanders around whistling, picks the letter up, and goes to his room. Whenever I visit Theresa, I first have to go into his drawer and get your letters out. But I always put them back when I return.
By the time you receive this letter, it will be Christmastime. Your brothers and I are going to attend midnight Mass at Myungdong Cathedral. Will you be spending the vacation with your roommate's family? Have a merry Christmas.
Your loving mother
Tears filled my eyes. I missed Mother, and wished I could hug her, or sit with her in the kitchen and just talk to her. She always worked so hard, and never uttered a word of complaint. I think I was the only one who understood her. My brothers were always out, and my sister only saw Mother for brief visits. Now Bokhi wouldn't be there either.
Why couldn't Bokhi continue to come by and get to know Hyunchun? They could wait for each other. Traditions and customs! I could tell Mother felt for the two of them, yet there was nothing she could do.
I knew Mother. I saw how sad and pensive she looked when she thought no one was around. I used to hear her sigh as she worked late into the night while the rest of us were in bed. Sometimes, I would go to her room late at night, and I would see her sitting up straight, staring at the moon as if she were searching for someone. I knew she needed someone to talk to, but when I went to her at those times, she would just hug me and tell me to go back to bed.
I knew she thought I was too young to understand.
Without Father, she needed her eldest daughter to talk to, but Theresa was busy with her work at the convent. Mother would stay up half the night cooking or sewing things for the nuns before we made our monthly visits to the convent. She always worked too hard. The last time I went with her, she had stayed up the entire night making layers and layers of rice cakes to feed the nuns, all one hundred of them. We carried the heavy containers of rice cakes onto the crowded bus and then all the way up the'hill to the convent. As I watched Mother perspiring and stopping to catch her breath, I got so angry that I shouted, "Why couldn't we bring a small package just for Theresa?" But Mother had answered, "It is a convent and they are all my daughters."
I didn't say another word about it, especially not to my brothers. They would have scolded me and told me that I was rude and disrespectful. We had to support our older sister and the nuns who worked so hard, I knew they would have said. I often wondered if I were not as kindhearted as the rest of my family.
Although I loved my sister and admired her hard work for the poor, I didn't like the way she upset Mother all the time by telling her of her hardships at the convent. Mother had so little herself that I resented my sister's unending demands. I did not understand my sister some times. I promised myself that I would not be like her, that I would take care of my problems on my own. Mother did not need anyone giving her more worries. I began to read my sister's letter.
To my dear younger sister,
My work never ends. Each day I toil from dawn to dusk, and still there is so much more to do. So many poor people need our help.
I received your letter. You seem very much taken with the independence and outspokenness of American young people. And you were unduly impressed by your professor's cooking for his family. Please remember that you are at an impressionable age. You must think long and carefully about these new attitudes and ideas before you embrace them with such enthusiasm. You also seem to be quite chatty. You must be in the habit of talking a great deal with your college friends. Remember that a young woman must spare her words and think carefully before she speaks.
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