I feel that you may have left home too early. You must not forget the beauty of our traditions and culture. Our ways are not always easy, but the values which we maintain are so important. Remember that family is one of the most important things in your life. Doing your duties as a younger sister is sometimes difficult, but your older brothers have done many things for you, and you must honor and respect them. And you must be a worthy big sister to Inchun. When you return to Korea and join me, your brothers will be proud, knowing that you are helping to do God's work.
Christmas is coming soon. There are so many supplies which we need here for the students. I have made a list of some of the important items we need so that you can send them. As for our family, you should send Mother and each of our brothers a thoughtful gift from America.
Remember, my dear Sookan, that you must not be swept away by the new culture you are in. You are Korean, and your home is here. If you embrace your new culture too fervently, you will later feel lost. You will be neither American nor Korean anymore. I do not want to see this happen to you. I am disappointed. I thought you were stronger and more mature.
I hope you will take some time to think about things. Pray to God for His help.
I remain your loving sister.
I stared at her letter and the list of supplies. She had told me to share my feelings and experiences, and now she did not approve of the way I saw my new world. She did not like what I was becoming. I had made a point of writing her a cheerful letter—even got five demerits for writing it—and she thought I seemed too talkative and silly.
I sighed, folded the letter, and put it back in the envelope. She didn't understand me. She didn't respect me. And why did she have to remind me to get Christmas presents for my brothers? Doesn't she know that I love them all? Does she think that I love them less now that I am far away? Does she think that I left home because I didn't care for them? I wondered if she really loved me the way she always said she did.
But as soon as I thought these things, I felt guilty. It was probably my fault. I had not been completely honest with her about my life here. She obviously thought that everything was being provided to me by the school, and that I spent all my time chatting with my friends. But what was the sense of worrying everyone at home? They couldn't help.
I reread the letter. Is she right? Have I changed so much in the past three months? Will I be sorry later, when I no longer fit in at home? All I knew was that I was trying as best I could to make everyone proud of me.
Chapter Twelve
Our footsteps echoed as Marci and I walked down the hall of the empty dorm. I felt a bit dizzy and tired still, but was happy finally to be spending some time with Marci.
"Do you mind if we just stay here one more night?" I asked her. "I feel like I've been away for a long time, and I'm sure I have to return some books and clean my room a bit. I also need to go downtown to get something."
"No problem," Marci said. "My parents won't be back from Europe till the day after tomorrow. I can go with you. What do you have to get?"
"Oh, something small for Sarah. Then maybe we can drop it off at the Bennetts' before we go to your house. I just want to see them before I leave. With all these papers and exams, I wasn't able to baby-sit last weekend. I feel like I haven't seen them for a long time."
Marci drove me downtown to buy the porcelain figurine for Sarah. I had already wrapped Mrs. Bennett's present and Jimmy's, but I still didn't have anything for Professor Bennett, or for Marci and Ellen, and I had little money left. I wanted to do something for all of them, but just didn't know how I possibly could.
I thought of Mother, who I knew would be preparing a big Christmas dinner. How she loved to watch the family and her guests enjoy the meal she had prepared. Everyone looked forward to our Christmas feasts. Mother was a wonderful cook, and the conversation always went on for hours. I wondered if I could make people happy as she did. I wondered if I could cook, for I had never really tried before. I had always just watched Mother, and helped serve and clean up.
Maybe I could do it. I could make a big dinner and invite the Bennetts, Marci, and Ellen to a party at the dorm. There was a small kitchen on the first floor, and in the parlor, a decorated Christmas tree. The dorm was empty, so Jimmy and Sarah could run around all they wanted. The more I thought about it, the better it sounded. I wondered if they would like Korean food. Would it be too strange for them? And would I be able to make it? I wasn't sure, but I was determined to do something special for everyone.
"Marci, do you know where can I buy groceries? I need rice, beef, carrots, eggs, cucumbers ... Let's see ... scallions, honey, pears ... oh, and soy sauce and sesame oil."
"What for?" Marci asked, rather surprised.
"Well, I want to make a delicious Korean dinner for you, Ellen, and the Bennetts. I thought we could have a Christmas party in the dorm." I hoped that I could de liver on the "delicious" aspect. I'd be lucky if it were edible.
"You just got out of the infirmary. You're not strong enough to cook."
"Oh, I feel okay. I'm just a bit tired. And I'm suddenly homesick for Korean food. It will make me happy to see everyone eating what I make. Besides, you'll be there to help me."
"I don't know how to cook. You do?" Marci asked.
"Well, I think so," I said. "First, we'll have to find all the ingredients."
"You sure we can have the party in the dorm?"
"Oh, yes. Sister Casey won't mind. Last weekend, I saw Jean baking cookies in the kitchen. But we'll double-check with her anyway."
We called everyone and scheduled the dinner for the following day. I had been worried that Ellen might not be able to make it since it was a bit of a drive, but she said that she and Kyle wouldn't miss it. Marci and I found most of the ingredients at the grocery store, but we had to drive all over town before we found a small Far Eastern food store that had sesame oil and soy sauce. That night, Marci slept in Ellen's bed to watch over me and make sure I slept.
Trying hard to remember all the things I had watched Mother do, I sliced the beef into very thin, bite-sized pieces, and marinated them in soy sauce, honey, sesame oil, ground pear, garlic, black pepper, and chopped scallions. Meanwhile, I julienned cucumbers and more pears to make Mother's special salad. Not quite sure of how much seasoning to use, I kept tasting it to make sure it was all right. Marci, who stood and watched at first, started tasting things, too, and offering her suggestions about the right blend of ingredients. When everything was almost ready, she began baking brownies. At the grocery store, I had told Marci that Koreans usually have fruit for dessert, but she didn't think that would do at all for a Christmas dinner, so she had bought a brownie mix. With the beef cooking, and Marci's brownies baking, the dorm room smelled wonderfully inviting. I fed her a piece of meat and a big spoonful of hot rice to taste.
"Mmm, this is great!" she mumbled through her food.
"Oh, I am so glad," I said with satisfaction.
Ellen and Kyle came in with three shopping bags, a poinsettia, and some cut flowers. Marci smiled shyly as she shook Kyle's hand.
"Now, I'm here, so you go sit down," Ellen said to me. "You should not be doing all this. Sister Reed wouldn't even let me talk to you the other day. Let me take a look at you."
"I'm fine now. Sorry to have worried you. And thanks for coming."
"It smells terrific! What's it called?" she said.
"Bulgogi," I answered, staring proudly at the platter of marinated, grilled beef I had prepared.
"I can't wait to taste it," Ellen said enthusiastically. "Let me get this table set." Then she pulled a red tablecloth and matching napkins from one of her bags. Out of another bag came Christmas serving plates, onto which she started transferring the rice, bulgogi, and vegetables.
It was just like Ellen to color coordinate the whole dinner table. The simple food I made now looked so festive and grand. I smiled proudly, but Marci made a face as if to say that it didn't make that much of a difference. To Marci, all
this extra fuss was not necessary as long as the food tasted good. I felt so happy with both of my best friends there.
I placed the few little presents I had for the Bennetts under the tree. Ellen ran up to our room and brought down her little phonograph to play Christmas music. Suddenly, the huge, empty dorm felt warm and welcoming. Marci, Ellen, and I had no gifts to exchange, but in a strange way, it was even more special that way. It made our silent gift of friendship even more meaningful. No present could have given us more joy than looking around at our afternoon's accomplishment.
I heard Jimmy and Sarah charging into the dorm.
"Hey, it's empty! Look how big this place is," Sarah squealed.
"Something smells wonderful. Let's follow our noses," I heard Mrs. Bennett say. We met them at the entrance to the parlor, and Sarah gave me a big kiss.
"Look, Jimmy. Look at the Korean food Sookan has made," Professor Bennett said.
"And Marci, too," I added. "She helped me with the Korean dishes and then made the brownies. And Ellen brought the Christmas butter cookies and she set this beautiful table."
As I introduced Marci, Ellen, and Kyle to the Bennetts, Sister Casey came by to see how we were doing. "Oh, what a wonderful party!" she said. Of course, we told her she must join us.
To my great relief, everyone seemed to like the bulgogi, the salad, and the sticky white rice. When Mrs. Bennett asked for the recipes, I didn't know what to say. "I will have to come over and make it for you. Marci and I used our taste buds instead of a recipe," I finally confessed.
Sister Reed walked into the dorm, looking for Sister Casey, and saw me. "Sookan, are you still here? What in the world is going on with this child? You were told to leave campus and rest," she said.
"I'm sorry, Sister Reed," said Sister Casey. "These two insisted on using the kitchen."
"What a stubborn girl," she said, shaking her head at me. "Full of surprises. Well, what is that delicious smell?" We quickly set a place for her, and she smiled warmly as she sat down to eat.
It was glorious to see everyone enjoying the food. I finally understood why Mother loved having people over for dinner. As we ate, Mrs. Bennett told Sister Reed how wonderful I was with the children, and how the whole family loved me. Marci and Ellen winked at me from across the table as I blushed and smiled awkwardly. What a marvelous thing a wink is; without a sound, one can convey so much, I thought.
Sister Reed got out of her chair and walked toward me with her arms outstretched. "Merry Christmas, my dear!" she whispered as she gave me a big hug. "You are a naughty child, but I must admit you have done well. Perhaps this was what you needed: some of your favorite foods and your friends with you. I'm very proud of you."
"Merry Christmas, Sister Reed, and thank you for your care and support." My voice trembled. Her words of encouragement were magical to me. I would always remember her, and I hoped that someday, I would be able to make a young girl feel as proud and happy as she had made me.
Chapter Thirteen
It was Christmas Eve, and Marci's parents had just returned from their trip to Europe. Mr. Gannon, a tall, handsome man with cool gray eyes, was impeccably dressed in a pinstripe suit and wingtip shoes. Mrs. Gannon was a regal woman with sparkling blue eyes. Her hair was curled under, with not a single strand out of place. She looked as if she had just come from the beauty parlor. As Marci introduced me, her parents shook my hand and ushered me into their spacious living room, where a collection of modern art and sculpture was elegantly displayed.
"You are a little later than we expected," Mrs. Gannon said. "Martha has dinner all ready, so we should probably sit down right away." We settled ourselves in the dimly lit dining room, and the butler began to bustle around. As we sat in silence, I looked over at Marci. Her head was lowered and she was quickly eating her soup. I felt uncomfortable and wondered if it was a good idea for me to have come home with her.
"Marci, college has certainly not improved your manners," her mother said. "Sit up straight, and please don't gobble your food. Dad and I would love to hear about school. How did the end of the term go?"
"Everything is fine. Nothing's new. Same old stuff," Marci responded, not even bothering to look up.
Mrs. Gannon blanched and Mr. Gannon, like Marci, silently ate his soup.
Forcing a smile, Mrs. Gannon said, "Marci, dear, Dad and I were thinking the three of us should go on a cruise this summer. Wouldn't that be nice? You could get a little color!"
"No, Mother. I have other things I want to do this summer," Marci answered flatly.
I realized she didn't discuss anything with her parents. She had recently dropped out of one of her classics courses, deciding to take it the next year. And she was planning on going to Greece for the summer. Her parents did not seem to know any of this. Mr. Gannon's jaw was clenched as he stared coolly at his daughter.
Marci began to butter a roll in silence, but I saw a deep furrow in her brow.
"So, Sookan," Mr. Gannon said to me, "you have come from Korea, I understand. What kind of food do you eat there on a day like today?"
I had been asked this kind of question so many times that I was readily able to give him a detailed list of the sorts of dishes Mother prepared on special occasions. I next answered his questions about the weather, explaining that we had four seasons just like New York, but that in the summer there was a monsoon period that was very rainy and humid. We covered the full litany of questions that I was used tb getting about Korea's land, its people, the customs, and traditions.
I answered all his questions at great length, wanting to fill the silence for as long as possible. But it was awkward. 1 knew he was not really interested, and that no one was paying attention to what I was saying. If anything, I think Mr. Gannon was wondering why Marci had befriended me and brought me home. He seemed to look at me with both curiosity and disdain. I tried not to look in his direction as I continued speaking. I kept glancing over at Marci, who remained bent over her plate, eating with determination.
Then, the maid brought out a huge silver platter of duck in orange sauce.
"Have you ever had such a fine-looking duck, Sookan?" Mr. Gannon asked. "Perhaps you don't have these kinds of things in Korea. I understand it is a very poor country, with the war and all. That must have been difficult for you."
I was getting more and more uncomfortable. I didn't want to think about the war; I didn't want to talk about losing my father and so many of my friends just to entertain everyone. I wished he would talk to me about art, or Europe, or college life. It was as if he thought I didn't know about anything except the "poor" country I was from.
"Actually, I've never eaten duck before. Mother and I raise ducks as pets. We have a beautiful pond in our backyard where the ducks swim. We would never eat them," I said. "For special occasions or for dinner parties, Mother often serves quail or pheasant. She's a wonderful cook, and loves to entertain. Everyone stays late into the night eating, talking, and laughing."
I didn't like Mr. Gannon's condescending attitude toward me, but I immediately felt awful for trying to show off and insult him. I should have politely said that I loved duck and that it looked delicious. I knew my sister would have scolded me if she had seen me behave this way. I looked sheepishly at Marci and thought I saw her grin.
Mrs. Gannon continued eating her salad, seemingly undisturbed. She cheerfully said, "Marci, honey, I can take you and Sookan to the beauty parlor and have Louis cut your hair. You need a new haircut; you look like a boy. And we'll have Sandra develop a new makeup regimen for you."
"Mom, I still have a large box of makeup that Sandra sold us last time I was home. I don't care for that stuff. I'm not like Susan," Marci snapped.
"Marci"—Mrs. Gannon faltered—"I just want you to look pretty for your formal dinners at the dining hall. I ran into Mrs. Montgomery and Anne a couple of weekends ago, and Anne was telling me how elegant the dinners at Finch College are, and how she loves getting all dressed up. It sounds wonderful. You never ment
ioned that to me. I know of some fabulous little boutiques that we can go to for cocktail dresses."
"Well, I didn't mention it because I think it's a tremendous bother and a waste of time. I don't care for that type of thing. I prefer the snack bar."
"I don't care for this ... I don't care for that...' Is that all you can say?" Her father roared. "Do you realize I pay for that fancy college dinner only to have you go and spend money on greasy snack bar food? Why do 1 bother sending you to an expensive college?"
Marci ignored him and kept eating.
There was a long silence, and it was clear that Mr. Gannon was trying to regain his composure. He finally said, "Marci, did you give a minute's thought to what we talked about last time? About your majoring in chemistry and working with me this summer? You might even like it. Why not at least try?"
"Dad, for the hundredth time, I do not like chemistry. I'm not good at it. Please don't ever tell me again that I have to take over Gannon Chemical someday."
"Not good at it! How do you know if you don't try? All you seem to do now is read Greek tragedies. No wonder you look so pale and somber." His hands were shaking, and his right eye twitched. "I want to see my daughter thriving and enjoying life! What happened to that fancy camera I bought you? Have you even tried it? I wanted to display your photography at my office. I wanted to show you off."
"I haven't taken any good pictures yet. I haven't gotten around to it."
Mr. Gannon banged on the table and shouted, "Damn it, Marci! Look at me when you speak to me."
I was stunned. I didn't know what to do. Mrs. Gannon sighed, and said, "Marci, dear, you apologize to your father. "
Marci stood up and threw her spoon across the table. "You always take his side. You've been traveling the world, leaving me home alone with Martha ever since I can remember. Do you have to humiliate me when I bring my best friend home for Christmas? I should have known it would be a mistake. Come on, Sookan, let's go upstairs to my room."
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