Burn with me

by Rachael Tonks

  “Is that what this is? A pity party. You’re here because you want to know what happened to your freak of a neighbor.”

  She pushes back weakly on my hold, but I tighten it, unable to let her go. I like being here, holding her like this.

  “Let go of me,” she whispers unconvincingly. “I’m so fucking sorry for showing an interest in you. I thought we could be friends, but clearly I was mistaken.”

  “Clearly.” I breathe erratically. So does she.

  “I know what’s going on here.” She studies my face for a second. “Stop trying to frighten me off. I’m not scared of you.”

  “You should be,” I growl out.

  She shudders beneath my hold. “I don’t believe you. It’s all a charade.” She gulps down nervously.

  “Don’t be so sure,” I answer, releasing my hold and pushing myself away from her. I sit back on the bed and drag my hands over my face, willing my heart to slow its pace. Fucking thing is erratic, like I have no control over my goddamn self. I hold my head in my hands, hiding my face from her, hoping she will turn around and walk back through the fucking door. I hear her delicate footsteps and I hope it’s because she’s leaving, but instead, I jump at the feel of her hand on my knee.

  “What?” I snap. “What the fuck do you want?” I ask, keeping my head in its downward position.

  “I’m trying to be the friend you so clearly need. Just let your guard down. Talk to me.”

  “Why?” I roar. “Why the fuck would I do that?” I lift my head, my eyes boring into her.

  “Because I know you feel it,” she answers, placing her palm flat against my chest. “See.” She locks eyes with me, and I know she can feel the thunder of my heart beating.

  I place my hand over hers.

  I’m fucked.

  Well and truly fucked.

  Amber

  I jump up, throwing back the covers, disorientated in my surroundings. I blink rapidly, trying to get my hazy eyes to adjust. Pushing my palm against my forehead, I attempt to ease the pounding within.

  “Jesus Christ,” I mutter, the pain in my head making me feel more than a little hazy. I stand up from the bed, stretching out my aching body as I walk out of the bedroom, making my way to the living room. As I make my way through, I hear the chatter of voices. Mostly Josh. The memories from last night come crashing back. I cringe at my drunken kiss with him, but more so at my forwardness with Caleb. The drink made me brave, gave me the guts to ask the questions I was dying to know the answers to. I swallow down hard, the sick feeling in the depths of my stomach intensifies as the image of him on the floor, scars bared for me to see flashes through my mind. The little he did say confused me more than I had been, taking my intrigue to a whole new level.

  I have to find out more.

  I need more of Caleb.

  That’s all I know.

  Walking into the living room, I look at both guys as they acknowledge my entrance. The contrast between the two is vast. My eyes flit to Josh. His wide smile dresses his face as he looks over, his eyes bright and open wide. Caleb on the other hand, well his eyes are dark and mysterious, and a smile never passes his lips. He glances away, avoiding eye contact at all costs.

  “Coffee, Amber?” Josh offers with a gesture of his hand. I smile, nodding my head a little as I walk in his direction. As soon as I’m within reaching distance, his arm is around my waist and a light kiss is placed on the side of my head.

  “Please,” I answer, moving away from his hold and crossing my arms defensively. I feel like he crossed an invisible line, all the while, Caleb’s eyes are burning into me. You could cut the tension in the room with a knife. I need to talk to Josh about that stupid kiss.

  Yes he’s hot, but no, he’s not for me. I shouldn’t have allowed that stupid kiss to happen. Caleb’s narrowed stare moves between me and Josh, and I fear that right when I began making progress with him, this could be a huge set back. I’m also a little pissed at Josh. What was that kiss? Is he trying to stake a claim on me? Call me out in front of his friend? The more I think on it, the more it bugs me. I sit down on the barstool at the side of the counter and Josh places the coffee in front of me.

  “I don’t suppose you have any aspirin? I feel like my head is about to explode,” I grumble.

  Josh looks past me. “Any aspirin, Cal?”

  I turn right in time to see him shake his head before he stomps out of the kitchen. I sink down a little knowing he’s pissed with me.

  “Seriously, Josh! Why did you have to do that?”

  “Do what? Ask him where the aspirin is?”

  I tilt my head and narrow my eyes at him in annoyance. “You know damn well what I’m talking about. You had no right to embrace me like that. You’ll give people the wrong idea.”

  “By people you mean Caleb?” he asks defensively.

  “Well, uh, yeah Caleb. But that’s not the point. You know that kiss last night was just a drunken mistake.”

  “Really? That’s how you feel?”

  “I’m sorry, but yes.” I cringe at how harsh I sound, but I don’t want there to be any blur on what I’m trying to convey. “I don’t want this to affect our friendship, though.” I reach forward, touching the top of his hand that’s resting on the counter top.

  He laughs a little. “You’ve seriously just friend zoned me?” He continues to chuckle.

  “I know we get along really well, and I think you’re a nice guy, like really nice. But for me, right now, this is just friendship.” I sigh, hoping he will understand.

  “Can’t say I’m not a little disappointed,” he teases.

  I’m sorry, I mouth to him.

  “Oh, I almost forgot,” he says, turning and reaching for a white envelope. He places it down in front of me, pushing it in my direction. “She must have left it early this morning.”

  I take the envelope, turn it over, and see Lily’s handwriting on the front. I open it, taking out my apartment keys.

  “Thank god. I need to go lie down and take some aspirin,” I admit. The hangover is totally kicking my ass. “I have to work later. Gotta sleep off some of this alcohol.” I purse my lips, looking pointedly at Josh. “I blame you!” Stepping down from the stool, I grab my bag from the coffee table.

  “One last thing before you disappear,” he adds. “Here, take this,” he says, handing me a small piece of paper. I look at it, his name and number scribbled down.

  “Be good to do it again sometime.” He smiles widely, showing his cute man dimples.

  “As friends,” I add. “Yeah, we should do it again.” I turn, walking down the hall, hoping to see Caleb. As I make my way down, I hear the sound of water running. Dammit. I turn back to Josh. “Say bye to Caleb for me.”

  He nods in response, holding his hand up as we say our goodbyes.

  Racing back to my apartment, the keys jumble in my hand as I try to find the right one to unlock the damn door. I finally push in the correct key, unlock the door, and stumble in, dropping my keys and bag to the floor. I crawl over to the bedroom, desperate to collapse on the bed.

  My head hammers as a wave of pain takes over. I suck in a deep breath, remembering that aspirin is probably a good idea. Standing slowly, I stumble into the small kitchenette. I rifle through the cupboards where I know the pills should be located. After a bit of searching, I come across the right bottle, open it up, and pour out two of the tablets. Stumbling a little, I grab a glass, fill it, and swallow down the pain reliever. Once back in the bedroom, I crawl into bed. I lay back, resting my arm across my forehead as I try to get myself back to sleep. My head is a thunderstorm of thoughts, all centered around Caleb. I know I should’ve been scared. After all, he held me up against the door. Pinned me there, his breath against my face. But fear was the furthest thing from my mind. I wasn’t scared. In fact, I got a huge rush from being so close to him. His body against mine made me want him. I’m intrigued and desperate to get answers from him. Anything.

  I can’t rid my mind of this man
, and I sure as hell can’t calm my heart. Just the thought of him has it beating furiously. I need to know more. I have to get him to open up to me. Why? I have no idea. I can’t even explain to myself why I feel this way. I’ve never felt anything like this before. I’m detached. I don’t do relationships, so what was this? This feeling inside. I clutch my hand to my chest, confusion buzzing through me. My aching head matches my aching heart. Thoughts of what might have happened to Caleb pains me. I have to keep trying. I just have to.

  I finally drift off when the aspirin kicks in.

  Three hours later, I’m up and reluctantly showering, getting ready for my late shift at the café. I check through the ton of messages on my phone. A couple are from the dance academy, informing me of upcoming training times. The rest? Well, they’re all from Lily. Begging for forgiveness, but I was going to let her sweat for a while. I decide I’ll text her later, when I finish my shift. I know I have to have that awkward conversation with her about what I got up to last night. Part of me needs to be honest with her about the kiss. The other part is scared to death that I might lose the only friend I have here in Portland. I shake my head as the sinking feeling in my stomach overwhelms me. How could I be so stupid? How could I have allowed that drunken kiss with Josh to happen?

  I dry off and get dressed. Grabbing my things, I make my way out to my car, taking the short journey to work. The café looks to be bustling when I pull in. The parking lot is practically full. I lean my head back against the headrest, dreading the rush while I’m suffering so badly with this hangover.

  Making my way inside, I rush into the back to drop in my purse before returning out front.

  “Jeez, it’s busy in here today,” I gasp, fastening the strings on my apron, Rose approaches with her hands full of half empty coffee cups and plates. She drops them down on the counter and I pick them up. “I’ll take those,” I offer.

  “Thanks,” she answers, wiping her sweat covered forehead with the back of her hand. “Orders for table two are ready. Can you grab those from Bob while you’re in the back?”

  “Sure thing.” I smile, trying to balance the ton of dishes as I make my way to the kitchen. Using my butt, I push the door open.

  “Hey,” Bob sings loudly. “Girl, am I glad you’re here.”

  “I bet.” I throw him a wink. “Is that because you don’t want to leave the comfort of the kitchen?”

  “My place is back here.” He waves his hands. “I’m not good out front. I’ll save that for you ladies with the pretty faces.”

  “Hmm you would say that.” I shoot him a knowing look. Bob doesn’t come out of his kitchen unless there’s a real emergency.

  “Don’t look at me like that,” he warns. His head is down, but his eyes look up at me, the rolls of his neck blending into one with his face. I can’t help but chuckle a little as I take the two orders that are ready.

  “Can’t stop,” I shout as I make my way out of the kitchen. His laughter is all I hear as I take the plates to the tables.

  After two more hours of madness, the café finally quiets down. Rose stands beside me, falling forward, and collapsing onto the counter. “I need today to be over already,” she moans, her head tilting to the side as she looks at me. “By the way, how was your night?” she asks with a wiggle of her eyebrows.

  “Your brother’s a dick,” I remark, only to be greeted by a snort of laughter.

  “Can’t say I disagree.” She shoots me a side smile. “What’s he done this time?”

  “Practically kidnapped my best friend on girls’ night. To say I’m a little pissed would be an understatement. Not to mention she had my apartment keys. I ended up locked out.”

  “Oh shit,” she mutters. “So what did you do?”

  “Well,” I say with a lift of my brow, “I was with Josh–”

  But I don’t get chance to finish my sentence before Rose’s screech interrupts, causing me to jump out of my skin. “Stop the press,” she says dramatically, holding her hand in front of my face. I take hold of it, gently moving it out of the way.

  “You need to let me finish,” I state, hoping she will actually let me tell her the whole story.

  “Huh, uh. No way. I just knew you’d be his type,” she continues. “You’re hot, I mean in that athletic, toned kind of way.” She glances over the length of my body. Her eyes narrow slightly and her lips purse. “Yeah, I can see how he’d totally dig you.”

  “Well, I’m not interested,” I blurt out, to her utter amazement. Her stance changes as she stands tall, hands on her hips and her mouth hanging so wide she could catch flies.

  “That’s bullshit and you know it,” she snaps. “What’s not to like?” she continues.

  “He’s not my type. Why is it so difficult for everyone to see that?”

  “Girl, Josh is everyone’s type.”

  I shake my head. “You’re wrong.”

  “So you are seriously telling me you were trying to get into your apartment, with Josh in tow, but nothing happened between you?” she quizzes, a suspicious stare glaring at me.

  “He insisted on walking me to my apartment. My ‘best’ friend had left with your brother and I was on my own. He was just being really nice about making sure I got home okay.”

  “Hmmm,” she hums suspiciously. “Then what? You had no choice but to go to his apartment, right?”

  “You’re not quite the know it all you think you are,” I say with an irritated tone, wondering why I’d even opened my big mouth about this. Rose is ditzy, and that’s putting it nicely. Why did I think she would stop, listen, and understand what I’m saying? “So here’s the thing, just shut up and listen to the whole story for a minute, okay?”

  “Whatever. Just get on with it.” She rolls her eyes.

  “So, long story short, he went next door, knocked on his friend, Caleb’s door. I ended up sleeping there. End of story.” I shrug.

  “Well, you’re lucky you came out alive,” she bit out.

  As soon as the words leave her mouth, I feel the anger rise inside me. I quickly scan around, checking that we don’t have company before replying. “Why, Rose? Why would you say something like that?” I glare at her, my breathing a little faster, and my nostrils flared. I couldn’t hide my annoyance.

  “Why do you always defend him?” she asks, her finger pointing directly at me. “You don’t know a damn thing about the guy.”

  “Oh and you do, I suppose?” I snap, picking up my pad and walking over to a couple who just came in and sat in front of the window. I plaster on a fake smile, jot down their order, and hope that walking away will calm my rapid heartbeat. Hearing her say negative things about him, being so cruel, it pisses me off. I walk behind the counter where Rose is still standing, starting on the couple’s order. “You know, Rose, when you spout that nasty shit it’s unnecessary.”

  “What?” she drawls.

  “Well, it says less about the person you’re bad mouthing and more about you as a person. You don’t even know Caleb, you told me this, yet you keep saying nasty shit about him and I’m sick of hearing it.”

  “All I know is he’s weird. I was just trying to warn you. Do you a favor.”

  “Well don’t bother,” I answer back, loading the coffee on to the tray and making my way back over to table two.

  The rest of the shift flies by. Neither one of us makes conversation, and honestly, that’s the way I prefer it. Bob offers us the leftover cake from today, so I take a few slices, boxing it up.

  As soon as my shift is done, I rush out, making my way over to my car. The sunlight outside is fading quickly, the dark night drawing in fast. By the time I make the short journey home, it’s dark, the small floodlights highlighting my way back to the apartment. Once parked, I rifle through my purse, digging out my cell. I hadn’t had a chance to check it all day. I press the button, hoping to light up the screen. But no joy.

  “Shit,” I mumble to myself, realizing the battery is dead. I drop it back in my purse, retrieving my apa
rtment keys. Making my way slowly up the stairs, I feel the tiredness and fatigue kicking in more than ever. Once at my apartment door, I push in my key, balancing the box of leftovers, and use my foot to open the door. I drop my stuff on the side, plug in my phone to charge, and collapse on the couch. I grab the television remote, pressing the button to scan through the vast amount of channels, looking for something suitably trashy to watch. I can’t think of anything better than watching trash TV and relaxing at that moment.

  I lay there, skipping from one channel to the next for about an hour or so. I hear a sudden bang, the sound of a door closing, and I can’t help but sit upright, wondering if it’s Caleb. I pick up my phone still charging on the side table, checking the time. It’s late. Way too late for him to be out running. I sit there eagerly listening for a sound, any sound. I drop back into the seat realizing what an idiot I’m being. I check the screen again and remember that I hadn’t called Lily yet. I dial her number, waiting for her to pick up.

  “Am, are you okay?”

  “I’ve been better,” I spit out, inwardly cringing at my abruptness.

  “Look, I’m really sorry. Okay?”

  “Not really, Lil. It was supposed to be girls’ night and you ditched me for some guy. A guy I didn’t even know you were having a thing with, not to mention leaving me with a bunch of people I hardly know. That was a shit move, Lily.”

  “I know, I’m sorry. I promise it won’t happen again.” She breathes heavily and I can tell by the tone of her voice that she is genuinely sorry.

  “And that whole thing with Josh. What the hell, Lil?”

  “Truth is, I don’t even know what was going through my mind. I guess I saw you talking to him and I was jealous. I guess Ryan was a knee jerk reaction.”

  “He’s a jerk alright,” I mumble. “So what’s the deal with him?”

  “He’s a player and I got caught in the crossfire. It’s really just a bit of fun between us, nothing serious.”