Burn with me

by Rachael Tonks

  “What about him?” I ask, tilting my head. My lips narrow as the annoyance inside me grows.

  “You remember how I said I would do some digging?”

  “Yes. Even though I told you not to.” I frown.

  “Well, you’re going to want to see what I found out about him,” she says, her face contorting.

  My heart beats like thunder in my chest. I reach up and rub my neck. The unknown is already eating away at me. She grabs my right hand and leads me into the building. I don’t say anything. I’m too lost in thought, my mind wondering what she has found out about the man that currently holds my heart in his hand. I start thinking of all the things he could have done in his younger years. Maybe he has a minor criminal record? I shudder as the possibilities play through my mind. Before I know it, Lily is dragging me into the study room. She lets go of my hand, sitting down in front of one of the many PCs set up. She pulls out the seat beside her, tapping the chair. I take the hint and slide in next to her.

  “What is it, Lily? Just tell me.”

  She taps away on the keyboard of the computer, before turning the screen so I have a clear view.

  “So I did a search of police records and looked through newspaper archives. It didn’t take long to find something.” She points toward the document on the screen. I lean in, trying to focus, but my head is all over the place. I’m struggling to process any of it. Why she’s done this. What exactly she’s implying. I take a deep breath, and start again, reading from the top. It talks about a police interview with Caleb when he was just eighteen. I scan through the words, trying to get to whatever it is she thinks she’s found out about him. And then I see it.

  Caleb Reed admitted during an interview with Detective Levine and Detective Carson that he sexually assaulted an unnamed white female.

  I thrust my hand over my mouth, pushing away the screen, unable to read any more. My eyes fill with tears and I shake my head.

  “This has to be a mistake.” My voice breaks. “Maybe it’s a different Caleb, total coincidence.” I try to reason, to find a way that this can’t possibly be true.

  “It’s him,” she says sadly. “I know you don’t want to believe it, but it’s there in black and white.”

  I’m frozen, terrified that there might be truth in this. Lily’s hand rubs the top of my arm lightly.

  “How can I go back there now?” I turn to look at her, a sob catching in my throat before it finally escapes. I lean against her, my tears falling onto her shoulder.

  “Try talking to him. There might be a simple explanation.” She smiles sadly.

  “Really?” I say sarcastically. “What? Like the girl asked for it. Or he didn’t mean to, huh? Because isn’t that what all rapist say to try and justify their actions.”

  “I’m just trying to play devil’s advocate.” She shrugs.

  “How could he?” I sob. “How could he hold me, make me feel better after what happened with Ryan when he’s capable of the same thing himself? I fell for him. I love him,” I say, my tears streaming down my face. I close my eyes, hoping and praying this is some fucked up mistake. How could I lose him when I’ve just found him? I don’t want to believe he’s capable of rape, but I think back to the strange things he’s said. The way he said I would hate him when I found out exactly who he is and what he’s done. An explosion of pain hits me in the chest. I clutch my hand there, rocking back and forth as the panic writhes inside.

  “Come on, let me take you back to my apartment,” she says, guiding me up from the chair.

  “No,” I snap. “Why did you do this Lily? Why have you ruined things for me when finally I was starting to get my shit together? When I’d finally found someone to love.”

  “I, uh, I was worried about you.”

  “Really? So you decided to go against what I asked when I told you not to go and try to find info on him.”

  “It’s not like that. I’m your friend and you have a right to know what kind of guy he is.”

  I stand up from the chair, anger and fear coursing through me. “I need to be alone,” I cry out, “Just leave me alone.” I race out of the room and out of the building. Pulling my phone from my bag, I dial his number, tears streaming down my face.

  “Amber, are you okay?” Josh asks.

  “Not really.” I sniffle. “Could you come get me?”

  Caleb

  I throw the cell phone down on the couch. “Fuck,” I roar, frustration causing me to lose my mind. Twelve calls and five text messages and I still haven’t heard back from her. I’m out of my mind with worry. I’ve tried calling Josh and he’s not answering. I tried calling the school and she never made it to any of her classes. My cell phone starts to vibrate and I dive to get to it in time.

  “Amber,” I answer breathlessly, not even checking who it is before answering.

  “Bro, she’s here. At my apartment,” Josh says. “You need to get over here, like now.”

  “What the fuck’s going on?” I ask with a low growl.

  “Lily decided to do a little digging on you and let’s just say she found something that has Amber freaked out.”

  “Dammit,” I yell, my adrenaline coursing through my veins. I throw the phone against the wall. It crashes to the floor and I stomp on it until there’s nothing left but shards of plastic and metal. I knew she would find out. I knew I would lose her. But I have to try and explain, show her I’m not that boy anymore. I grab my keys, racing out of my apartment. I pull up outside Josh’s, banging my clenched fists against the steering wheel as my anxiety rises.

  I have no choice but to tell her. Everything. I can’t lose her. I just can’t.

  I push open the building door, making my way up the staircase, two at a time. Running as fast as I can, I make it to Josh’s door. Bending over, I take a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself. I knock with force, willing the door to open. I hear voices inside and I stand there, nervously tapping my foot on the floor. The door opens slowly, just enough for Josh to peek through.

  “She doesn’t want to see you,” he says, “but I’m hoping she’ll change her mind when she hears what you have to say.”

  “I have to see her,” I bark, pushing my way past him and inside his apartment.

  “Take it easy, bro. She’s confused and quite frankly a mess.”

  “What have you said to her?” I ask, my teeth clenched and my blood pumping.

  “Nothing, man,” he says quietly resting his hand on my arm. “You know I would never say anything. That’s why I called you. She needs the truth, but she needs to hear it from you, not me.”

  I look past Josh and my heart pounds when my eyes land on Amber. She holds out one hand in warning.

  “Don’t come any closer,” she sobs.

  “Let me explain,” I plead.

  “Just tell me, is it true?” Her voice quivers as if she’s terrified of me.

  “Sort of.” I screw up my face, no longer able to look at her. The pain is just too much.

  “Well it either is or it isn’t,” she yells. “Just tell me the fucking truth,” she continues to scream.

  “Yes,” I yell back. The veins in my neck bulge. “Yes, it’s true, but it’s only part of the story.” I cringe. I glance up at her and she takes a few tiny steps back, away from me. Nothing could make me feel any worse than this. The pain on her face, the way she’s looking at me, it’s killing me.

  “I was born and raised in a commune,” I blurt out. The truth I’ve avoided at all costs is now exposed. I never wanted people to know about me. About my past. But if it means I won’t lose her, I have to do it.

  “Commune?” she repeats.

  “Yes,” I confirm. “Like a cult, a religious commune. Please just hear me out.” I look at Amber, pleading with her to listen to me.

  “You have five minutes,” she says, holding up her hand. “Then I want you gone.”

  I nod my head, stepping back until I’m resting on the arm of the couch.

  “A lot of sick shit went
down at this commune, Amber. Things you would never believe.”

  I sit there, my legs weakening as the evil memories of what happened all those years ago floods my mind.

  I’m standing in a wooded area after being told by Christopher, our leader, that he has a surprise for me. I’m fourteen. Who doesn’t like a surprise? One of the other elders, Michael, stands just beside a tree. I twist my head from side to side, trying to figure out what is happening here. Christopher comes into sight, the leaves crunching beneath his feet. I gasp as I see a young girl bound and wearing a blindfold. Christopher looks at me with the widest smile and I start to shake with fear. I’d heard the stories of what he’s capable of, but up until now, I thought they were scare tactics. The sort of stories parents tell you to keep you in line. I watch intently as he thrusts her back against one of the large trees in front of me. I want to say something, stop him as he’s clearly hurting her, but I’m too scared he’ll turn on me. I have no idea what’s happening and no idea why I’m here. I bend my neck a little, trying to see what he’s doing to her. I finally see him with his hand on her chest, pressing her against the tree. She’s upset and clearly distressed as her head thrashes from side to side.

  “Please,” she pleads.

  “Please what?” Christopher growls.

  “Please don’t hurt me,” she sobs. I take a deep breath, my fear spiking as my body starts to tremble. I look over to Michael, my eyes wide and my head shaking. I’m scared, absolutely terrified and he just smirks. I whip my head back to the young girl in front of me. She’s older than me, but not by much. Only a little, maybe sixteen or seventeen.

  “I’m not going to touch you.” He breathes heavily, his face so close to hers. “But, it turns me on when you’re so afraid,” he continues and I have to swallow down the bile that rises in my throat. How could this man be so evil? What is he trying to do to this poor girl?

  “No,” she yells. “Please.” But her pleas make no difference.

  “I believe you know Caleb.” He turns, pointing to me.

  “N…n…not really,” she stutters. He steps a little closer to her, closing the small gap, before grazing her face with his hand. The girl tenses as his hand falls to her nightgown. He tugs swiftly, the echo of the material ripping fills the deafening silence. All I can hear are her sobs, and as I look around Christopher, my eyes land on the marvel that is her naked body. My dick starts to stir against my will at the mere sight of her standing there. She’s absolutely stunning. Her bright blonde locks fall over her shoulders and her ice blue eyes are piercing, even from this distance. Before I can contemplate what is happening, Christopher turns and walks back toward me. His menacing eyes glare at me and I can’t help but shudder. The look on his face is pure evil and I feel every muscle in my body tense.

  “If you dare make a sound, I’ll fucking kill you,” he growls, his voice low and threatening. My heart beats faster than I ever thought possible, my breathing practically coming to a standstill. Christopher bends down in front of me and in one swift, sharp movement, he pulls my pants down, resting them around my ankles. My softening erection springs free and a look of delight spreads across his face.

  My throat dries up, holding back the scream that is trying to break free. The fear of dying is enough to make me fight it. Tears flow down my face as he takes my dick in his palm, working it with his hand. Bile stings the back of my throat, and I have to hold my hand over my mouth to force down the nausea.

  What is he doing?

  How could he do this to me?

  I close my eyes with tremendous force, trying to block out what is happening. Trying to convince myself this is some horrendous dream and it can’t possibly be happening. His mouth replaces his hand and I can no longer reign in the sobs. My cries echo through the empty woodland. I glance over to the naked girl at the tree. Her hands are around her throat and her eyes are tightly shut.

  She can’t watch. She can’t stop him either. The feeling of him taking me in his mouth causes a stream of tears to cascade down my face. I fucking hate him. I hate what he’s doing to me, but my body is betraying me. I will my dick to soften, to make him stop. But it doesn’t and the frustration eats away at me like rotten flesh. Suddenly, my wish comes true and he stops. I finally take in a breath, my breathing ragged as my sobs continue. I blink, trying to clear the tears and figure out what is happening. Before I can gather myself together, I feel his hand on my neck, squeezing it with an unimaginable force. He doesn’t say anything, he just pushes me toward the tree. He stops me right in front of her.

  Thoughts of what’s to come race through my mind, the fear consuming me. My breathing is all over the place and his hold never loosens.

  “Fuck her,” he growls, the volume causing me to jump. He forces my head toward the girl and our lips meet. We stand there frozen, my tear stained lips pressing against hers. I’m crying uncontrollably, fear spiking and taking over my every thought and feeling. His hands are no longer on my neck but he grabs hold of my wrists, forcing them against the tree until I’m leaning into the girl. His lips graze my ear and I shudder.

  “Fuck her,” he growls louder, and I know this is no option. I have no idea what I’m meant to do. Christopher kicks the inside of her legs, spreading them until all of her is on display. She nearly loses her balance, but I reach out, breaking her fall and holding her up.

  “Well isn’t this fucking sweet?” Christopher nods between the two of us. “He’s my birthday present to you.” He points to me like I’m some damn trophy. “And while he’s fucking you, I’m going to fuck him. Got it?”

  I let out an almighty piercing scream, terrified at what is to come.

  “Caleb, what’s wrong?” I jump at the feel of someone’s hand against my arm, snapping me from the flashback. Tears run down my cheeks. Amber has a haunted look on her face as she stands in front of me, her eyes transfixed on mine.

  “I was having a flashback.” I sigh heavily.

  “Flashback?” she says, her voice full of disbelief.

  “Yeah,” I snap loudly, not meaning to, but the emotion causes me to react badly. “To the time where I was raped by our cult leader while forced to rape a poor innocent girl,” I grate out, using my sleeve to wipe the stray tears that rest on my face.

  “W…w…what?” she asks, stuttering. Her eyes swell with tears.

  “So, yeah, I admit it. I did rape a girl, but I was fourteen and threatened with my life. I had no choice, Amber. I’m not that guy. That night was when the torture started, and it wasn’t the only time. For the next three years or so, I was beaten, raped, gang raped, and abused in the most horrendous possible ways. Until the day the police showed up.

  “See, that girl, from the very first night, she managed to escape. To get away from the hellish confines. Me, I wasn’t so lucky. But he found her and brought her back. I don’t know how she did it, but she escaped again, this time alerting the police. That’s when we were saved. That’s when I moved here, was placed in foster care, and attended school with Josh. There was a huge investigation into the whole commune. That’s when I gave my story about what I did, about what I was forced to do to her.”

  “Jesus fucking Christ,” gasps Amber. I look over at Josh who is still standing by the door.

  “Please believe me when I tell you I would never do something like that. I’ve never had love. Until you. Hell, I didn’t even know what love felt like.” Amber steps closer to me, wrapping her tiny arms around my middle, pulling me in tight.

  “I’m so sorry,” she whispers through her sobs. “I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

  “Please forgive me,” I whisper back. She loosens her hold, straightening herself in front of me. She places a soft hand on each side of my face.

  “What? Why would you say that? You have nothing to apologize for.”

  “I’m fucked up.” I furrow my brow. “So messed up in here,” I say, pointing to the side of my head. “Nothing in my life has ever made sense. Until you came along. But I
wouldn’t blame you for not wanting me, for thinking this is way too much for you to deal with.” She uses her small finger to wipe away a stray tear, before leaning in and placing a small kiss against my swollen lips.

  “I love you, Caleb. The real, from the heart kind of love.” She takes my hand and places it against her chest. It thuds so hard. My eyes meet hers and the pain within me blurs. I’m shocked at her declaration of love, but so damn happy at the same time. The sweet way she makes my heart react, pushing out the memories of the evil and my past. She is exactly what I need to be able to be the best version of me.

  “You make my existence seem worthwhile. I push away the pain of my memories when you’re around. You’re my goddamn painkiller.” I smile. “And I absolutely, unequivocally love you beyond measure.”

  The sparkle in her eye is back. She smiles widely, her cheeks heating up a little. I lean in, placing a long lingering kiss on her lips. She pulls her body against mine, and we mold as one. Josh clears his throat and I feel a smile spread across Amber’s lips. We part, both of our heads twisting to look at Josh who is pretending to be sick in the corner.

  “Get a room, guys,” he draws out the words, a huge smirk dressing his face.

  I look back at Amber, catching her eye. “Will you come home with me?” I ask sheepishly.

  “Try and stop me,” she whispers, biting the corner of her lip. My breath catches in my throat. I was sure she’d turn her back on me the minute she realized what a freak I am. What happened to me. My secrets are out. I bared the darkest part of my soul, yet she still wants me. That isn’t something I can get my head around any time soon.

  Amber

  I can’t stop looking at him. I bite my lip, a thousand unanswered questions in my mind. I believe him. I believe what he’s told me, but I can’t understand how someone could ever hurt someone like Caleb. I feel sick at the thought of what he’s been through, what things were like for him at this hell they call a commune. But, his revelation makes a thousand pieces fall into place. The way he acted, the self-hatred, the back and forth emotions. It’s all so crystal clear now. I rest my hand on his lap as he drives me back to our apartment building.