More Oddments

by Bill Pronzini

  He lighted the candle that he had set on the Duncan Phyfe table, waited until the flame was steady, then began to slowly pour the Margaux, holding the shoulder of the bottle just above the light so that he could observe the flow of the wine as it passed through the neck. There was very little age-crust or sediment. The color, however, did not look quite right; it had a faint cloudiness, a pale brown tinge, as wine does when it has grown old too quickly.

  Norman felt a sharp twinge of apprehension. He raised the decanter and sniffed the bouquet. Not good, not good at all. He swirled the wine lightly to let air mix with it and sniffed again. Oh Lord—a definite taint of sourness.

  He poured a small amount into a crystal glass, prepared himself, and took a sip. Let the wine flood over and under his tongue, around his gums. And then spat the mouthful back into the glass.

  The Margaux was dead.

  Sour, unpalatable—dead.

  White-faced, Norman sank onto a chair. His first feelings were of sorrow and despair, but these soon gave way to a sense of outrage focused on Roger Hume. It was Hume who had given him not a living, breathing 1900 Margaux but a desiccated corpse; it was Hume who had tantalized him and then left him unfulfilled, Hume who had caused him this pain and anguish, Hume who might even have been responsible for the death of the Margaux through careless mishandling. Damn the man. Damn him!

  The more Norman thought about Roger Hume, the more enraged he became. Heat rose in his cheeks until they flamed scarlet. Minutes passed before he remembered his high blood pressure and his doctor's warning about undue stress; he made a conscious effort to calm himself.

  When he had his emotions under control he stood, went to the telephone, found a listing for Hume in the Manhattan directory, and dialed the number. Hume's loud coarse voice answered on the third ring.

  "This is Norman Tolliver, Hume," Norman said.

  "Well, Norm, it's been awhile. What's the good word?" Norm. A muscle fluttered on Norman's cheek. "If you plan to be in this afternoon, I would like a word with you."

  "Oh? Something up?"

  "I prefer not to discuss it on the telephone."

  "Suit yourself," Hume said. "Sure, come on over. Give me a chance to show off my digs to you." He paused. "You shoot pool, by any chance?"

  "No, I do not 'shoot pool.'

  "Too bad. Got a new table and I've been practicing. Hell of a good game, Norm, you should try it."

  The man was a bloody Philistine. Norman said, "I'll be by directly," and cradled the handset with considerable force.

  He recorked the bottle of dead Margaux and wrapped it in a towel. After which he blew out the candle, switched off his quadraphonic unit, and took the penthouse elevator to the street. Fifteen minutes later a taxi delivered him to the East Side block on which Hume's town house was situated.

  Hume admitted him, allowed as how it was good to see him again, swatted him on the back (Norman shuddered and ground his teeth), and ushered him into a spacious living room. There were shelves filled with rare first editions, walls adorned with originals by Degas and Monet and Sisley, fine Kerman Orientals on the floor. But all of these works of art, Norman thought, could mean nothing to Hume; they would merely be possessions, visible evidence of his wealth. He had certainly never read any of the books or spent a moment appreciating any of the paintings. And there were cigarette burns (Norman ground his teeth again) in one of the Kerman carpets.

  Hume himself was fifty pounds overweight and such a plebeian type that he looked out of place in these genteel surroundings. He wore expensive but ill-fitting clothes, much too heavy for the season because of a professed hypersensitivity to cold; his glasses were rimmed in gold-and-onyx and quite thick because of a professed astigmatism in one eye; he carried an English walking stick because of a slight limp that was the professed result of a sports car accident. He pretended to be an eccentric, but did not have the breeding, intelligence, or flair to manage even the pose of eccentricity. Looking at him now, Norman revised his previous estimate: The man was not a Philistine; he was a Neanderthal.

  "How about a drink, Norm?"

  "This is not a social call," Norman said.

  "No?" Hume peered at him. "So what can I do for you?"

  Norman unwrapped the bottle of Margaux and extended it accusingly. "This is what you can do for me, as you put it."

  "I don't get it," Hume said.

  "You gave me this Margaux last month. I trust you remember the occasion."

  "Sure, I remember. But I still don't see the point—" "The point, Hume, is that it's dead."

  "Huh?"

  "The wine is undrinkable. It's dead, Hume."

  Hume threw back his head and made a sound like the braying of a jackass. "You hand me a laugh sometimes, Norm," he said, "you really do. The way you talk about wine, like it was alive or human or something."

  Norman's hands had begun to tremble. "The Margaux was alive. Now it is nothing but 79-year-old vinegar!"

  "So what?" Hume said.

  "So what?" A reddish haze seemed to be forming behind Norman's eyes. "So what! You insensitive idiot, don't you have any conception of what a tragedy this is?"

  "Hey," Hume said, "who you calling an idiot?"

  "You, you idiot. If you have another Margaux 1900, I demand it in replacement. I demand a living wine."

  "I don't give a damn what you demand," Hume said. He was miffed too, now. "You got no right to call me an idiot, Norm; I won't stand for it. Suppose you just get on out of my house. And take your lousy bottle of wine with you."

  "My lousy bottle of wine?" Norman said through the reddish haze. "Oh no, Hume, it's yourlousy bottle of wine and I'm going to let you have it!"

  Then he did exactly that: he let Hume have it. On top of the head with all his strength.

  There were several confused moments that Norman could not recall afterward. When the reddish haze dissipated he discovered that all of his anger had drained away, leaving him flushed and shaken. He also discovered Hume lying quite messily dead on the cigarette-scarred Kerman, the unbroken bottle of Margaux beside him.

  It was not in Norman's nature to panic in a crisis. He marshaled his emotions instead and forced himself to approach the problem at hand with cold logic.

  Hume was as dead as the Margaux; there was nothing to be done about that. He could, of course, telephone the police and claim self-defense. But there was no guarantee that he would be believed, considering that this was Hume's house, and in any case he had an old-fashioned gentleman's abhorrence of adverse and sensational publicity. No, reporting Hume's demise was out of the question.

  Which left the reasonable alternative of removing all traces of his presence and stealing away as if he had never come. It was unlikely that anyone had seen him entering; if he was careful his departure would be unobserved as well. And even if someone did happen to notice him in a casual way, he was not known in this neighborhood and there was nothing about his physical appearance that would remain fixed in a person's memory. An added point in his favor was that Hume had few friends and by self-admission preferred his own company. The body, therefore, might well go undiscovered for several days.

  Norman used the towel to wipe the unbloodied surfaces of the Margaux bottle—a distasteful but necessary task—and left the bottle where it lay beside the body. Had he touched anything in the house that might also retain a fingerprint? He was certain he had not. He had pressed the doorbell button on the porch outside, but it would be simple enough to brush that clean before leaving. Was there anything else, anything he might have overlooked? He concluded that there wasn't.

  With the towel folded inside his coat pocket, he went down the hallway to the front door. There was a magnifying-glass peephole in the center of it; he put his eye to the glass and peered out. Damn. Two women were standing on the Street in front, conversing in the amiable and animated fashion of neighbors. They might decide to part company in ten seconds, but they might also decide to remain there for ten minutes.

  Norman de
bated the advisability of exiting through the rear. But a man slipping out the back door of someone's house was much more likely to be seen and remembered than a man who departed the front. And there was still the matter of the doorbell button to be dealt with. His only intelligent choice was to wait for the street in front to become clear.

  As he stood there he found himself thinking again of the tragedy of the Margaux 1900 (a far greater tragedy to his connoisseur's mind than the unlamented death of Roger Hume). It was considered by many experts to be one of the most superlative vintages in history; and the fact remained that he had yet to taste it. To have come so close and then to be denied as he had was intolerable.

  It occurred to him again that perhaps Hume did have another bottle on the premises. While presenting the first bottle last month Hume had boasted that he maintained a "pretty well-stocked" wine cellar, though he confided that he had never had "much of a taste for the grape" and seldom availed himself of its contents. Neanderthal, indeed. But a Neanderthal with a good deal of money who had managed, through luck or wise advice, to obtain at least one bottle of an uncommon and classic wine—

  Was there another Margaux 1900 in his blasted cellar?

  Norman debated a second time. On the one hand it would behoove him to make as rapid an escape as possible from the scene of his impulsive crime; but on the other hand the 1900 Margaux was virtually impossible to find today, and if he passed up this opportunity to secure a bottle for himself he might never taste it. It would be a decision he might well rue for the rest of his days.

  He looked once more through the peephole; the two women were still talking together outside. Which only served to cement a decision already made. He was, first and foremost, a connoisseur: he simply had to know if Hume had another bottle of the Margaux.

  Norman located the wine cellar without difficulty. It was off the kitchen, with access through a door and down a short flight of steps. It was also adequate, he noticed in a distracted way as he descended—a smallish single room, walled and floored in concrete, containing several storage bins filled with at least two hundred bottles of wine.

  But no, not just wine; remarkably fine wine. Reds from Châteaux Lafite, Haut-Brion, Lascombes, Cos D 'Estournel, Mouton-D'Amailhacq, La Tâche, Romanée Saint-Vivant; whites from the Bommes and Barsac communes of France, from the Rhine Hessen of Germany, from Alsace and Italy and the Napa Valley of California. Norman resisted the impulse to stop and more closely examine each of the labels. He had no time to search out anything except the Margaux 1900.

  He found two different Chateau Margaux clarets in the last row of bins, but neither of them was the 1900 vintage. Then, when he was about to abandon hope, he knelt in front of the final section of bins and there they were, a pair of dusty bottles whose labels matched that on the spoiled bottle upstairs.

  Norman expelled a breath and removed one of them with care. Should he take the second as well? Yes: if he left it here there was no telling into whose unappreciative hands it might fall. There would doubtless be a paper sack in the kitchen in which to carry both. He withdrew the second bottle, straightened, and started to the stairs.

  The door at the top was closed. Blinking, Norman paused. He could not recall having shut the door; in fact he was quite certain he had left it standing wide open. He frowned, went up the steps, set the two living Margaux 1900s down carefully at his feet, and rotated the knob.

  It was locked.

  It took a moment of futile shaking and rattling before he realized that the top of the door was outfitted with one of those silent pneumatic door closers. He stared at it in disbelief. Only an idiot would put such a device on the door to a wine cellar! But that was, of course, what Hume had been.

  For whatever incredible reason he had had the thing installed—and it seemed obvious now that he carried on his person the key to the door latch.

  There was no other way out of the cellar, no second door and no window; Norman determined that with a single sweep of his gaze. And the door looked to be fashioned of heavy solid wood, which made the task of forcing it or battering it down an insurmountable one.

  He was trapped.

  The irony was as bitter as the taste of the dead Margaux: trapped in Roger Hume's wine cellar with the man's murdered corpse in the living room upstairs. He had been a fool to come down here, a fool to have listened to the connoisseur in him. He could have been on his way home to his penthouse by now. Instead, here he was, locked away awaiting the eventual arrival of the police .

  As he had done earlier, Norman made an effort to gather his wits. Perhaps all was not lost, despite the circumstances. He could claim to have been visiting Hume when two burly masked men entered the house; and he could claim that these men had locked him in the cellar and taken Hume away to an unknown fate. Yes, that was plausible. After all, he was a respected and influential man. Why shouldn't he be believed?

  Norman began to feel a bit better. There remained the problem of survival until Hume's body was found; but as long as that did not take more than a week—an unlikely prospect—the problem was not really a serious one. He was surrounded by scores of bottles of vintage wine, and there was a certain amount of nourishment to be had from the product of the vintner's art. At least enough to keep him alive and in passable health.

  Meanwhile, he would have to find ways to keep himself and his mind occupied. He could begin, he thought, by examining and making a mental catalogue of Hume's collection of vintages and varieties.

  He turned from the door and surveyed the cellar again. And for the first time, something struck him as vaguely odd about it. He had not noticed it before in his haste and purpose, but now that he was locked in here with nothing to distract him—

  A faint sound reached his ears and made him scowl. He could not quite identify it or its source at first; he descended the stairs again and stood at the bottom, listening. It seemed to be coming from both sides of the cellar. Norman moved to his left—and when the sound became clear the hackles rose on the back of his neck.

  What it was was a soft hissing.

  Roger Hume's body was discovered three days later by his twice-weekly cleaning lady. But when the police arrived at her summons, it was not Hume's death which interested them quite so much as that of the second man, whose corpse was found during a routine search of the premises.

  This second "victim" lay on the floor of the wine cellar, amid a rather astonishing carnage of broken wine bottles and spilled wine. His wallet identified him as Norman Tolliver, whose name and standing were recognized by the cleaning lady, if not by the homicide detectives. The assistant medical examiner determined probable cause of death to be an apoplectic seizure, a fact which only added to the consternation of the police. Why was Tolliver locked inside Roger Hume's wine cellar? Why had he evidently smashed dozens of bottles of expensive wine? Why was he dead of natural causes and Hume dead of foul play?

  They were, in a word, baffled.

  One other puzzling aspect came to their attention. A plain clothes officer noticed the faint hissing sound and verified it as forced air coming through a pair of wall ducts; he mentioned this to his lieutenant, saying that it seemed odd for a wine cellar to have heater vents like the rest of the rooms in the house. Neither detective bothered to pursue the matter, however. It struck them as unrelated to the deaths of the two men.

  But it was, of course, the exact opposite: it was the key to everything. Along with several facts of which they were not yet aware: Norman's passion for wine and his high blood pressure, Roger Hume's ignorance in the finer arts and his hypersensitivity to cold—and the tragic effect on certain wines caused by exposure to temperatures above 60 degrees Fahrenheit.

  No wonder Norman, poor fellow, suffered an apoplectic seizure. Can there be any greater horror for the true connoisseur than to find himself trapped in a cellar full of rare, aged, and irreplaceable wines that have been stupidly turned to vinegar?

  Mrs. Rakubian

  Three days after she murdered him wit
h a hatchet and put his body down the dry well, Mrs. Rakubian's husband showed up alive and kicking on the front porch.

  It was a hot day and Mrs. Rakubian had been in the kitchen mixing some lemonade. She mixed it tart, real tart, because Charlie always liked it sweet and made her put too much sugar in it. That was one of the reasons she'd killed him—one of three or four hundred. It wasn't the one that made her pick up the hatchet, though. That one was him blowing his nose on the front of his bib overalls. When he done that again, even after she warned him, she went and got the hatchet and give him half a dozen licks and that was that. Except for fetching the wheelbarrow and carting him off to the dry well, but that was one chore she hadn't minded at all.

  Things had been mighty peaceful ever since. So peaceful that she'd taken to humming a little ditty to herself while she worked. She was humming it when she carried the tart lemonade out to the front porch. But she stopped humming it when she saw Charlie sitting there in the shade of the cottonwood tree, wiping his sweaty face with his handkerchief.

  "Morning, Maude," he said. "Made some fresh lemonade, I see."

  Mrs. Rakubian stared at him goggle-eyed for a few seconds. There wasn't a mark on him, not a mark!

  "Something wrong, Maude?"

  Mrs. Rakubian didn't answer. She put the lemonade down on the porch table, went into the house, took the varmint gun off the rack, walked back out to the porch, and let Charlie have it with both barrels. Then she fetched the wheelbarrow and trundled what was left of him to the dry well.

  "You stay dead this time, Charlie Rakubian," she said after she'd dumped him again. "Thirty years of you haunting me alive was bad enough. Don't you dare keep coming back to haunt me dead too. This time you stay put."