More Oddments

by Bill Pronzini

  It was their first trip to Hawaii too, and the same sort of dream vacation as ours: "I've wanted to come here for thirty years," Brenda said, "ever since I first saw Elvis in Blue Hawaii." So we had that in common. But unlike us, they were traveling first-class. They'd spent a week in one of the most exclusive hotels on Maui, and had a suite here at the Kolekole, and would be staying in the islands for a total of five weeks. They were even going to spend a few days on Molokai, where Father Damien had founded his lepers' colony over a hundred years ago.

  Larry told us all of this in an offhand, joking way—not at all flaunting the fact that they were obviously well-off. He was a tall, beefy fellow, losing his hair as I was and compensating for it with a thick brush moustache. Brenda was a big-boned blonde with pretty gray eyes. They both wore loud Hawaiian shirts and flower leis, and Brenda had a pale pink flower—a hibiscus blossom, she told Jan—in her hair. It was plain that they doted on each other and plain that they were having the time of their lives. They kept exchanging grins and winks, touching hands, kissing every now and then like newlyweds. It was infectious. We weren't with them ten minutes before Jan and I found ourselves holding hands too.

  They were from Milwaukee, where they were about to open a luxury catering service. "Another lifelong dream," Brenda said. Which gave us something else in common, in an indirect way. Jan and I own a small restaurant in Coeur d'Alene, Carpenter's Steakhouse, which we'd built into a fairly successful business over the past twenty years. Our daughter Lynn was managing it for us while we were in Hawaii.

  We talked with the Archersons about the pros and cons of the food business and had another round of drinks which Larry insisted on paying for. When the drinks arrived, he lifted his mai tai and said, "Aloha nui kakou, folks."

  "That's an old Hawaiian toast" Brenda explained. "It means to your good health, or something like that. Larry is a magnet for Hawaiian words and phrases. I swear he'll be able to write a tourist phrasebook by the time we leave the islands."

  "Maybe I will too, kuu ipo."

  She wrinkled her nose at him, then leaned over and nipped his ear. "Kuu ipo means sweetheart," she said to us.

  When we finished our second round of drinks, Larry asked, "You folks haven't had dinner yet, have you?"

  We said we hadn't.

  "Well then, why don't you join us in the Garden Court? Their mahi-mahi is out of this world. Our treat—what do you say?"

  Jan seemed willing, so I said, "Fine with us. But let's make it Dutch treat."

  "Nonsense. I invited you, that makes you our guests. No arguments, now—I never argue on an empty stomach."

  The food was outstanding. So was the wine Larry selected to go with it, a rich French chardonnay. The Garden Court was open-sided like the lanai bar, and the night breeze had a warm, velvety feel, heavy with the scents of hibiscus and plumeria. The moon, huge and near full, made the ocean look as though it were overlaid with a sheet of gold.

  "Is this living or is this living?" Larry said over coffee and Kahlua.

  "It's a taste of paradise," Jan said.

  "It is paradise. Great place, great food, great drinks, great company. What more could anybody want?"

  "Well, I can think of one thing," Brenda said with a leer.

  Larry winked at me. "That's another great thing about the tropics, Dick. It puts a new spark in your love life."

  "I can use a spark," I said. "I think a couple of my plugs are shot."

  Jan cracked me on the arm and we all laughed.

  "So what are you folks doing tomorrow?" Larry asked. "Any plans?"

  "Well, we thought we'd either drive down to the Volcanoes National Park or explore the northern part of the island."

  "We're day-tripping up north ourselves—Waimea, Waipio Valley, the Kohala Cost. How about coming along with us?"

  "Well . . ."

  "Come on, it'll be fun. We rented a Caddy and there's plenty of room. You can both just sit back and relax and soak up the sights."

  "Jan? Okay with you?"

  She nodded, and Larry said, "Terrific. Let's get an early start—breakfast at seven, on the road by eight. That isn't too early for you folks? No? Good, then it's settled."

  When the check came I offered again to pay half. He wouldn't hear of it. As we left the restaurant, Brenda said she felt like going dancing and Larry said that was a fine idea, how about making it a foursome? Jan and I begged off. It had been a long day, as travel days always are, and we were both ready for bed.

  In our room, Jan asked, "What do you think of them?"

  "Likable and fun to be with," I said. "But exhausting. Where do they get all their energy?"

  "I wish I knew."

  "Larry's a little pushy. We'll have to make sure he doesn't talk us into anything we don't want to do." I paused. "You know, there's something odd about the way they act together. It's more than just being on a dream vacation, having a good time, but I can't quite put my finger on it . . ."

  "They're like a couple of kids with a big secret," Jan said. "They're so excited they're ready to burst."

  We've been married for nearly thirty years and we often have similar impressions and perceptions. Sometimes it amazes me just how closely our minds work.

  "That's it," I said. "That's it exactly."

  The trip to the northern part of the island was enjoyable, if wearying. Larry and Brenda did most of the talking, Larry playing tour guide and unraveling an endless string of facts about Hawaii's history, geography, flora, and fauna. We spent a good part of the morning in the rustic little town of Waimea, in the saddle between Kohala Mountain and the towering Mauna Kea—the seat of the Parker Ranch, the largest individually owned cattle ranch in the United States. It was lunchtime when we finished rubbing elbows with Hawaiian cowboys and shopping for native crafts, and Brenda suggested we buy sandwich fixings and a bottle of wine and find someplace to have a picnic.

  Larry wanted to hike out to the rim of the Waipio Valley and picnic there, but the rest of us weren't up to a long walk. So we drove up into the mountains on the Kawaihae road. When the road leveled out across a long plateau, we might have been in California or the Pacific Northwest: rolling fields, cattle, thick stands of pine. In the middle of one of the wooded sections, Larry slowed and then pulled off onto the verge.

  "Down there by that stream," he said. "Now that's a perfect spot for a picnic."

  Brenda wasn't so sure. "You think it's safe? Looks like a lot of brush and grass to wade through . . ."

  He laughed. "Don't worry, there aren't any wild animals up here to bother us."

  "What about creepy-crawlies?"

  "Nope. No poisonous snakes or spiders on any of the Hawaiian Islands."

  "You sure about that?"

  "I'm sure, kuu ipo. The guidebooks never lie."

  We had our picnic, and all through it Larry and Brenda nuzzled and necked and cast little knowing glances at each other. Once he whispered something in her ear that made her laugh raucously and say, "Oh, you're wicked!" Their behavior had seemed charming last night, but today it was making both Jan and me uncomfortable. Fifty-year-old adults who act like conspiratorial teenagers seem ludicrous after you've spent enough time in their company.

  Kawaihae Bay was beautiful, and the clifftop view from Upolu Point was breathtaking. On the way back down the coast we stopped at a two-hundred-year-old temple built by King Kamehameha, and at the white-sand Hapuna Beach, where Jan fed the remains of our picnic to the dozens of stray cats that lived there. It was after five when we got back to Kailua Kona.

  The Archersons insisted again that we have dinner with them and wouldn't take no for an answer. So we stayed at the Kolekole long enough to change clothes and then went out to a restaurant that specialized in luau-style roast pork. And when we were finished eating, back we went to the hotel and up to their suite. They had a private terrace and it was the perfect place, Brenda said, to watch one of the glorious Hawaiian sunsets.

  Larry brought out a bottle of Kahlua, and whe
n he finished pouring drinks he raised his glass in another toast. "To our new aikane, Jan and Dick."

  "Aikane means good friends," Brenda said.

  Jan and I drank, but my heart wasn't in it and I could tell that hers wasn't either. The Archersons were wearing thin on both of us.

  The evening was a reprise of yesterday's: not too hot, with a soft breeze carrying the scent of exotic flowers. Surfers played on the waves offshore. The sunset was spectacular, with fiery reds and oranges, but it didn't last long enough to suit me.

  Brenda sighed elaborately as darkness closed down. "Almost the end of another perfect day. Time goes by so quickly out here, doesn't it, Jan?"

  "Yes it does."

  Larry said, "That's why you have to get the most out of each day in paradise. So what'll we do tomorrow? Head down to see the volcanoes, check out the lava flows?"

  "There's a road called Chain of Craters that's wonderful," Brenda said. "It goes right out over the flows and at the end there's a place where you can actually walk on the lava. Parts of it are still hot!"

  I said, "Yes, we've been looking forward to seeing the volcano area. But since you've already been there, I think we'll just drive down by ourselves in the morning—"

  "No, no, we'll drive you down. We don't mind seeing it all again, do we, Brenda?"

  "I sure don't. I'd love to see it again."

  "Larry, I don't mean this to sound ungrateful, but Jan and I would really like some time to ourselves—"

  "Look at that moon coming up, will you? It's as big as a Halloween pumpkin."

  It was, but I couldn't enjoy it now. I tried again to say my piece, and again he interrupted me.

  "Nothing like the moons we get back home in Wisconsin," he said. He put his arm around Brenda's shoulders and nuzzled her neck. "Is it, pet? Nothing at all like a Wisconsin moon."

  She didn't answer. Surprisingly, her face scrunched up and her eyes glistened and I thought for a moment she would burst into tears.

  Jan said, "Why, Brenda, what's the matter?"

  "It's my fault," Larry said ruefully. "I used to call her that all the time, but since the accident . . . well, I try to remember not to, but sometimes it just slips out."

  "Call her what? Pet?"

  He nodded. "Makes her think of her babies."

  "Babies? But I thought you didn't have children."

  "We don't. Brenda, honey, I'm sorry. We'll talk about something else . . ."

  "No, it's all right." She dried her eyes on a Kleenex and then said to Jan and me, "My babies were Lhasa apsos. Brother and sister—Hansel and Gretel."

  "Oh," Jan said, "dogs."

  "Not just dogs—the sweetest, most gentle . . ." Brenda snuffled again. "I miss them terribly, even after six months."

  "What happened to them?"

  "They died in the fire, the poor babies. We buried them at Shady Acres. That's a nice name for a pet cemetery, don't you think? Shady Acres?"

  "What kind of fire was it?"

  "That's right, we didn't tell you, did we? Our house burned down six months ago. Right to the ground while we were at a party at a friend's place."

  "Oh, that's awful. A total loss?"

  "Everything we owned," Larry said. "It's a good thing we had insurance."

  "How did it happen?"

  "Well, the official verdict was that Mrs. Cooley fell asleep with a lighted cigarette in her hand."

  I said, "Oh, so there was someone in the house besides the dogs. She woke up in time and managed to get out safely, this Mrs. Cooley?"

  "No, she died too."

  Jan and I looked at each other.

  "Smoke inhalation, they said. The way it looked, she woke up all right and tried to get out, but the smoke got her before she could. They found her by the front door."

  "Hansel and Gretel were trapped in the kitchen," Brenda said. "She was so selfish—she just tried to save herself."

  Jan made a throat-clearing sound. "You sound as though you didn't like this woman very much."

  "We didn't. She was an old witch."

  "Then why did you let her stay in your house?"

  "She paid us rent. Not much, just a pittance."

  "But if you didn't like her—"

  "She was my mother," Brenda said.

  Far below, on the lanai bar, the hotel musicians began to play ukuleles and sing a lilting Hawaiian song. Brenda leaned forward, listening, smiling dreamily. "That's 'Maui No Ka Oi,'" she said. "One of my all-time favorites."

  Larry was watching Jan and me. He said, "Mrs. Cooley really was an awful woman, no kidding. Mean, carping—and stingy as hell. She knew how much we wanted to start our catering business but she just wouldn't let us have the money. If she hadn't died in the fire . . . well, we wouldn't be here with you nice folks. Funny the way things happen sometimes, isn't it?"

  Neither Jan nor I said anything. Instead we got to our feet, almost as one.

  "Hey," Larry said, "you're not leaving?"

  I said yes, we were leaving.

  "But the night's young. I thought maybe we'd go dancing, take in one of the Polynesian revues—"

  "It's been a long day."

  "Sure, I understand. You folks still have some jet lag too, I'll bet. Get plenty of sleep and call us when you wake up, then we'll all go have breakfast before we head for the volcanoes."

  They walked us to the door. Brenda said, "Sleep tight, you lovely people," and then we were alone in the hallway.

  We didn't go to our room; instead we went to the small, quiet lobby bar for drinks we both badly needed. When the drinks came, Jan spoke for the first time since we'd left the Archersons. "My God," she said, "I had no idea they were like that—so cold and insensitive under all that bubbly charm. Crying over a pair of dogs and not even a kind word for her mother. They're actually glad the poor woman is dead."

  "More than glad. And much worse than insensitive."

  "What do you mean?"

  "You know what I mean."

  "You don't think they—"

  "That's just what I think. What we both think."

  "Her own mother?"

  "Yes. They arranged that fire somehow so Mrs. Cooley would be caught in it, and sacrificed their dogs so it would look even more like an accident."

  "For her money," Jan said slowly. "So they could start their catering business?"

  "Yes."

  "Dick . . . we can't just ignore this. We've got to do something."

  "What would you suggest?"

  "I don't know, contact the police in Milwaukee . . ."

  "And tell them what that can be proven? The Archersons didn't admit anything incriminating to us. Besides, there must have been an investigation at the time. If there'd been any evidence against them, they wouldn't have gotten Mrs. Cooley's money and they wouldn't be here celebrating."

  "But that means they'll get away with it, with cold-blooded murder!"

  "Jan, they already have. And they're proud of it, proud of their own cleverness. I think they contrived to tell us the story on purpose, with just enough hints so we'd figure out the truth."

  "Why would they do that?"

  "The same reason they latched onto us, convinced themselves we're kindred spirits. The same reason they're so damned eager. They're looking for somebody to share their secret with."

  "Dear God."

  We were silent after that. The tropical night was no longer soft; the air had a close, sticky feel. The smell of hibiscus and plumeria had turned cloyingly sweet. I swallowed some of my drink, and it tasted bitter. Paradise tasted bitter now, the way it must have to Adam after Eve bit into the forbidden fruit.

  The guidebooks do lie, I thought. There are serpents in this Eden, too.

  Early the next morning, very early, we checked out of the Kolekole and took the first interisland flight to Honolulu and then the first plane home.

  Under the Skin

  In the opulent lobby lounge of the St. Francis Hotel, where he and Tom Olivet had gone for a drink after the A.C.T. dram
atic production was over, Walter Carpenter sipped his second Scotch-and-water and thought that he was a pretty lucky man. Good job, happy marriage, kids of whom he could be proud, and a best friend who had a similar temperament, similar attitudes, aspirations, likes and dislikes. Most people went through life claiming lots of casual friends and a few close ones, but seldom did a perfectly compatible relationship develop as it had between Tom and him. He knew brothers who were not nearly as close. Walter smiled. That's just what the two of us are like, he thought. Brothers.

  Across the table Tom said, "Why the sudden smile?"

  "Oh, just thinking that we're a hell of a team," Walter said.

  "Sure," Tom said. "Carpenter and Olivet, the Gold Dust Twins."

  Walter laughed. "No, I mean it. Did you ever stop to think how few friends get along as well as we do? I mean, we like to do the same things, go to the same places. The play tonight, for example. I couldn't get Cynthia to go, but as soon as I mentioned it to you, you were all set for it."

  "Well, we've known each other for twenty years," Tom said. "Two people spend as much time together as we have, they get to thinking alike and acting alike. I guess we're one head on just about everything1 all right."

  "A couple of carbon copies," Walter said. "Here's to friendship."

  They raised their glasses and drank, and when Walter put his down on the table he noticed the hands on his wristwatch. "Hey," he said. "It's almost eleven-thirty. We'd better hustle if we're going to catch the train. Last one for Daly City leaves at midnight."

  "Right," Tom said.

  They split the check down the middle, then left the hotel and walked down Powell Street to the Bay Area Rapid Transit station at Market. Ordinarily one of them would have driven in that morning from the Monterey Heights area where they lived two blocks apart; but Tom's car was in the garage for minor repairs, and Walter's wife Cynthia had needed their car for errands. So they had ridden a BART train in, and after work they'd had dinner in a restaurant near Union Square before going on to the play.