Finding My Thunder

by Diane Munier

  “I can’t ask you to wait,” he said, but it seemed like that’s exactly what he was asking.

  I moved closer still. I touched the hair over his ear, the longing just this simple act inspired took my breath. “Last night you told me you didn’t want to know but…I always have. I’ve always waited.”

  “Hilly,” he whispered his thumb grazing my cheek. “I told you I don’t have any right….”

  “You’re all I want.”

  “Look what happened today. We do this, we can’t let anyone know. Not until I’m back. Then we tell the whole world to fuck themselves.”

  “I don’t care about the whole world.” I only cared about him.

  He pulled me against himself and kissed my forehead, my nose and finally my mouth and this hot rush filled my ears.

  He was so tender. Then he said my name, “Hilly.” And the beautiful timbre of his voice wrapped around those five letters and seeped into me like music.

  I had my eyes closed and felt this soft surrender in myself, open for whatever he wanted, whatever he needed. He crushed me against him and my mouth met his and he kissed me and kissed me. And wonderful as that was…it was what he whispered as his lips moved over my face and down my neck in a crushed voice, a broken voice, “I need you.”

  I was completely his.

  Finding My Thunder 14

  On the way home from the cemetery, Danny said his mom wanted him to make a trip to the boy’s farm the next day. They had too many children for her to get away, so it fell to him to build the bridge between home and Sukey. It was one hundred and twenty miles away. This Saturday was the first time Sukey could have visitors since being admitted. He was having trouble adjusting and made quick and desperate phone calls home every chance he got. So any money they could send went for that and there was no stopping him apparently and he had begged Danny to come, threatening to run away if he didn’t.

  So by the time we reached our street, Danny asked me if I would go with him. I was trying not to fall asleep, leaning against him holding tightly to his arm.

  I felt pretty exhausted. I had only buried Mama and gotten drunk twice and high too in the space of not even two days.

  Not to mention declaring my love for Danny and him pretty much doing the same.

  I could barely wrap my mind around a journey but wherever he went in this time we had I wanted to go too. So I told him yes.

  He had pulled to the alley behind my house which pretty much put us in Naomi’s yard. He wanted to ask her permission for me to go with him otherwise, he said it would be kidnapping. Her car was there.

  “She’s never going to go along,” I told him, much as I wanted to leave this town in the rearview as I sat beside him.

  “I’m pretty good with parents,” he said getting out and holding the door for me.

  “How do I look?” I said knowing I was a sight after rolling around that graveyard and getting high.

  He looked me up and down and nodded. He didn’t say but I knew.

  So I led him onto the porch and into the kitchen. She was in the front room talking on the telephone. I pointed he should sit at the chrome table there and I went to the bathroom and did some quick repair. Then I breezed into the kitchen and went to the refrigerator for the jug of ice water. I was sick to my stomach from all the illegal substance I’d taken in. I got out two jelly glasses and filled one for Danny, one for me. I was just sitting across from him when she got off the phone and called my name.

  “It’s me,” I said and in she came. She took in the two of us, and grinned big, but I saw it in her eyes, the ‘look what we got now.’

  “Hello Danny,” she said.

  He rose up a little and said, “Miss Blue.”

  “Now you sit,” she said. She was in her black cotton print dress and her pink scuffy house shoes that she wore the minute she got in here. I knew her feet hurt her all the time, corns, bunions and arthritis and she walked about a hundred miles a day tending her flock and the goats and wolves around them, too.

  She had a million questions for me. Yes I had been to work with Danny and no I didn’t need a ride to the cemetery for I had just been. Danny had taken me. I left out Robert and the toke and the Ripple, of course.

  Well she was concerned about me, I looked tired. Had I slept and why didn’t I sleep here tonight? And I said I hoped to sleep in the house cause I didn’t have time to tell her how Lonnie wanted me to move out and in with her permanent. I didn’t even want to bring that up. I was too busy trying to get out of town with Danny.

  She didn’t seem to know about the window, and that was good. If she went to town she’d find out, or someone would bring it to her, the story. But right now she hadn’t heard. So she was asking if I ate and I said I hadn’t and she said why didn’t I go get some of that funeral food and bring it there?

  And I said, “Yes ma’am, that would be fine,” but I didn’t want to leave Danny there. I asked him to help and he waved me off and said he needed to speak with Naomi. I raised my brows and moved behind her where she sat and shook my head at him to let him know I didn’t want him trying to talk to her without me. But he wouldn’t budge off he just looked away and told her his mama was fine, cause she had asked and he was using that to lead in to the rest cause he said, that’s what he wanted to ask her about. His mama was worried about his brother Sukey.

  Well I was kind of stuck there, and Naomi turned in her chair and said, “Go on then,” seeming just as eager to get rid of me as he was.

  I was against this and I glared at him before I went out just to let him know not that he seemed to care. At all.

  So I went out and there was no good place to try and listen. I ran back to my house and fed Sooner and got out the leftovers and took what I could put in one of the boxes they’d used to bring them to us in the first place and I practically ran that fried chicken and potato salad and Jello and ham and beans and greens and cornbread all the way back. I was out of breath when I got there.

  I had interrupted something. She was leaned toward him and he was setting back and you could cut the air with a machete or something it was that thick with what went on.

  I put the box on the counter. He was looking down and she was looking at him. She eased back some and her hands were folded on the table.

  I started to unpack the box and set the bowls on the table and he finally paid attention to me but she was staring at her hands. Once I had the food out I got plates and forks.

  “There is iced tea in the refrigerator,” she said and well I knew that from when I got the water, but I fetched that now and set it amongst the food and got her a glass and I sat.

  “Let us pray,” she said bowing her head. I figured we were in for a long one. “Thank you for this food, Lord. Amen.”

  I wasn’t sure I heard right. I slowly lifted my head and looked at her. She was still pretty much ignoring me, putting food on her plate, making sure everyone got everything. I shot a look to Danny, raising my brows and making my eyes big as I could.

  “What?” he said.

  He was not this dense. She did look at me then and I said, “Pass the ham.” But it was right by me, but she didn’t argue. She picked up the plate and I took it and pretty much set it back where it was. I took a slice but I didn’t want it. I set it on my plate next to the bright green Jello that had celery in it. I couldn’t have imagined anything more revolting.

  “Hilly,” Naomi said, cutting her ham into triangles, “Danny here has asked me about the trip tomorrow.”

  My fork had been on its way to my open mouth, but it kind of hung there now.

  “I have told him you may go.”

  I couldn’t believe it.

  “He knows you’re only fifteen,” she said and same time I whispered, “Sixteen…almost.”

  “…how young you are,” she continued, “…and he understands I am in the role of guardian until you are of age.”

  I had not heard it expressed so formerly before, but if I answered to anyone, it was a
lways her.

  “He assures me there will be no alcohol and he will drive the speed limit. He says he is a good driver and after watching him on that bicycle for so many years I can believe it,” she said smiling at him.

  He smiled back, then looked smugly at me.

  “He will treat you as a lady, of course. He has told me that he’s fixin’ to go in the army and he wants to get his brother on a better track. So I will be in prayer and he is to get you home at a decent time so you can get a good night’s rest for church on Sunday morning…which he is coming to as well…and he is to bring a chaperone with you all on your journey tomorrow…a little brother he said. And I will phone his mother this evening and we will speak. And that is all.” She beamed at me.

  I already knew there were parts of this I didn’t like. It took me a few seconds to identify them and make a list: little brother, Danny coming to church, Naomi calling Danny’s mother.

  “I agree with Danny that a nice long drive into the country will be refreshing. I’ll pack the rest of this food up and you all can have a nice lunch on the way.” She did that big smile at me again.

  So it was that she and Danny talked all through the meal and he made her laugh and I was pretty sure she was so taken with him she’d of gone to the boy’s farm with us if he’d asked. Then I thought about it…about Eugene, and I knew Danny stirred that wound in her. Oh, he’d be older now had he lived…but when he died he was not much older than Danny. And Danny just got more beautiful and overpowering in a small space like a house or a car, and in here he lit it up, lit her up, and me…I hadn’t been the same since that one night I’d met him at the streetlamp. That summer night I’d gone down there and they were telling ghost stories and it was my turn and I told about the hookman and the other two kids told me to stop and Danny said, “No, let her tell it.” And I did, and Sukey straddled his bike and he took off but I knew he was scared and Danny got closer, sat on the ground by me, just me and him left, and he wanted to know how that hookman lost his arm, and I told him some big story and he studied it out, studied me and Mama came then, a good night, a good summer, and her hair washed and I was proud and Danny said, “That was a good story.”

  And he took off and Mama walked me home and she said, “Boys like that are nothing but trouble. You stay away from him.”

  And I looked after Danny and him and Sukey circled around and came back by and Danny popped a wheelie and Sukey did too but he fell over and cursed and got back on and went after Danny and I felt that hot night air move with excitement.

  Finding My Thunder 15

  I was barely up, running around after my shower, barely able to think of what to wear when Danny pulled in front of the house and honked. My long skirt. It had been Mama’s and I took it in to fit me. It had a cool blue geometric pattern. And a sleeveless white blouse.

  I just left my hair down but I took a rubberband and my leather thing with the stick that poked through it to hold my hair up if need be. I took some cut-off shorts because who knows. I stuck a book in my back, To Kill a Mockingbird cause it never got old and stuck my feet in my flip flops.

  When Mama was in the hospital Danny had bought a big bag of dog food and it set on the porch and I could feed Sooner out of that and it was so convenient I thanked Danny every time I filled her bowl from it, which I did now. Then I closed the door but I didn’t lock it. I never did. Lonnie hadn’t come home last night. I tried to push it all out of my mind as I hurried to Danny’s car.

  He sat in front, so handsome it made the breath leave my throat. He wore jeans and the white T-shirt with the V neck. It had a hole or two and I just loved it. And behind, hanging over the front seat was a lighter little brother, our chaperone.

  “Hilly, this is Dickens,” Danny said as I got in.

  Dickens was a little cutie. But he looked a little like a punk. He had long bangs that swooped over one eye.

  I’d seen him before. Danny’s brothers lived in the street during the summer.

  “Hey,” I said.

  He sat back quick and flushed red.

  “Can’t you say hello?” Danny asked him as he started the car.

  “Am I allowed to?” he asked. I guessed they had words. I smiled at Dickens and he turned away and looked out the window but he was smiling.

  “Write any good books lately?” I asked.

  Danny laughed.

  “It’s not that Dickens,”

  “Hey,” Danny said checking Dickens in the mirror because he’d spoken with a punkish tone.

  “My name is Richard,” the boy said, “and my dad always wanted a Dick but seein’ he didn’t have one….”

  “Okay,” Danny said stern turning around and taking a swat at his brother.

  Dickens thought this was funny.

  “Oh so you’re a dick, yeah I get that,” I said.

  “Hey,” Dickens said to Danny, “you laugh at her,” cause Danny did laugh.

  Danny checked the mirror and pulled into the street. “My mom doesn’t curse. Ever. But she always says she’s going to beat the dickens out of…whoever. Especially to this one. So we call him Dickens….”

  “Because Dad’s the dick,” he said.

  “Because Paul and his whole generation don’t seem to realize no one wants to be named Dick,” Danny said louder. “Now shut it.”

  “I don’t shut up, I throw up and if you don’t like it you can lick it up,” Dickens said.

  Danny pulled quick to the curb and got out and yanked the back door open and grabbed Dickens by the arm and pulled him out. “That’s it,” he said. “You’re not goin’.”

  Dickens fought against Danny and tried to get back in so they tussled and Danny easily threw him away. Dickens landed on his butt and sprang back up and tried to get around Danny again and get in the backseat. They yelled some, Dickens saying he was going, and Danny saying he wasn’t and he needed to go home.

  Dickens appealed to me. “Tell him to let me go. Mom said.” All hints of trying to be a punk were gone. He looked like any other eleven year old kid only desperate.

  I figured I best stay out of it. He was an annoying kid and being an only child I wasn’t used to putting up with someone like him. I didn’t think I wanted to. No, I knew I didn’t. But I did feel sorry for him.

  “If I told Mom what you said to Hilly she’d put soap in your mouth,” Danny said.

  “I wasn’t saying it to her. I said it about Dad,” Dickens yelled.

  “Nope. I ain’t takin’ some screaming baby. You get on home.”

  Danny got back in the car and Dickens was hanging on his door crying and angry. “Come on, you said I could go. I want to go.”

  Danny started to pull away. Dickens wouldn’t let go. Danny pried his hands off and sped away. Dickens took off running after us.

  “Danny…,” I said.

  Danny watched him in the mirror. “Just wait. I got it,” he said.

  Danny stopped at the corner and sat there until Dickens was close. I thought he was going to pull away as soon as the boy reached us, but he didn’t. He waited there and Dickens opened the backdoor and fell in. Danny was starting to move forward when the kid slammed the door. He fell back onto the seat winded.

  “Oh you comin’ along?” Danny said. “I guess I don’t have to tell you to behave.”

  I looked back and Dickens was panting but he nodded.

  “That’s good,” Danny said. Then he turned the radio on and The Beatles were singing, “We Can Work It Out.”

  Finding My Thunder 16

  Danny liked to pick up hitchhikers. The first time he did it, it was a guy and his girl traveling over the summer. They were following some of the big war protests scheduled in the big cities all over this land. They planned to end in D. C. in October.

  The guy wanted to know if we wanted to drop some Mescaline with them when they got to the river.

  “No,” Danny said. “Don’t be doing that in my car.”

  The guy said, “That’s cool, man.”

&nb
sp; They were headed to the river to camp. Danny took them about twenty miles down the highway and dropped them off in one of the towns.

  “Those were some real hippies,” Dickens said.

  It was only ten miles later we pulled into a gas station to use the restroom and when I came out to the car Danny was talking to an older man who held a paper bag. That man got into the back seat and Dickens scrambled over the front to sit between Danny and me. The guy had a flat-top and wore tan workpants and a t-shirt and black boots. He was muscular and looked to me like he’d done jail time.

  Nobody talked much before we took him down the road and dropped him off in the middle of nowhere as he requested. “Thanks, brother. Give ‘em hell over there,” he said to Danny.

  When we pulled away from that guy, Dickens said, “No more hitch-hikers.”

  And I said, “No more convicts with paperbags!”

  Danny laughed. “Didn’t you ever hear help your neighbor?”

  “I think that’s our quota,” I said.

  “He looked just like Jimmy Hoffa,” Dickens said.

  Danny and me about fell over laughing, cause that’s exactly who he looked like.

  So the next time we passed a couple of long hairs with their thumbs out Danny kept going.

  We blared the radio and sang along some. Dickens loved the song, “Wild Thing.” He was in back again and reached over the seat and blasted it up. He sang the lyrics with so much grit Danny and me laughed like crazy.

  Then we played Pea Punch with all the Volkswagon bugs, only Dickens punched Danny too hard, and me sometimes too and Danny got on him and threatened to let him out at the next station. Then he made him apologize to me and he wasn’t allowed to really touch me, he could just say, “Pea punch, Hilly.”

  Well, I had forgotten the lunch Naomi packed back home, so long about eleven we were looking to buy some food. We reckoned to go to a grocery store, but Dickens begged Danny to find a drive-in restaurant with hamburgers and French fries like Paul had taken them to once in Memphis.