Finding My Thunder

by Diane Munier

  “Dear Danny, you wouldn't believe. Guess who got her driver's license! Well, yours truly. And guess what yours truly is now driving? Lonnie's truck. Wouldn't he just die? I shouldn't say that cause if you saw him at the VA hospital…you'd think he did already…die.

  “But first I got to tell you…Robert has been helping me. Me and him been loading the scrap at the shop. If we can load it, we haul it to the junkyard and sell it to Jack. We have made over six hundred dollars, Danny. I have insurance and I paid some bills.

  “And Lonnie's truck is running fine and we are cleaning that place up…and out. That's what Allie Jackson told us to do. She said to sell everything we could before they foreclosed on Lonnie. She said to get the basic tools and the welders and fix up a service truck and Robert should take that out and I should bill and make a profit and pay Robert. She said that is how to start and let that shop go straight to hell, let the bank take it, it's a dinosaur on my back. If we can get a service truck going and we prove up, do well, she may throw us some work.

  She wants us to buy any and all materials from her and she's going to show us how to sell materials ourselves and we'll make even more money. It costs to get distributorships cause you have to be able to afford a certain amount of inventory and have storage and all, and I can't do that now. But someday…watch out.

  “I wish you were with me. I've got to get done with school, but truth? School never seemed so boring or pointless. For the first time in my life I can do something and make money. I'm not money hungry, but I've not had any in so long…ever…that to have it and have the hope of more…I can't say…then I go back to school and none of it seems to be important…none of it really matters…even the arguing I was enjoying so much…I can't fix this world, but I might be able to fix my own life some and that seems more urgent than showing up the cheerleaders.

  “So much to tell you. If you were here I would fill your ears. We saw Lonnie in the VA hospital in Memphis. And Naomi stopped everywhere to talk to everyone and I think some might have thought she was looking to find me a husband. Do you know a man will flirt even if he's in severe pain with his limbs missing and his head wrapped or if he has his leg in traction?

  “Naomi, she would introduce me every time and I was hanging back. It's like she has forgotten what goes on below the waist she's just always thinking of the heart and Jesus and all, but holy cow sometimes I just want to shake that woman and say, "The whole world is not Temple!"

  “Anyway by the time we made it to Lonnie I was so glad to have reached the goal-line I just was so glad. But he didn't look good and I know he don't like it there.

  “We did see Sooner, me and Dickens and I drove! Annie couldn't go. I met your mother and she's so sweet. Sorry. I had to introduce myself so I could see those two.

  “And your mom guards Annie and I guess you know that. She told me Annie is a very fragile person and she thanked me for the books and said they have really been a happy thing. I didn't know Annie had been sick when she was younger.

  “I did take Dickens and I know he loves Sooner but he was dying to see more naked people but it's getting chilly now. But I had told Robert ahead of time…make sure…no nakeds…no tokers…no anything cause I am bringing Dickens and we're not staying, just saying hey to the dogs.

  “The dogs are amazing. Sooner was glad to see me, but not big glad (like I will be when I see you when you get out of basic training.)

  “And you getting to go to the beach and see the ocean? Lucky dog. But those girls asking if you wanted a date? I'm so mad! Prostitutes, really? I've never seen one except the two in Snyder Town but they're just women trying to feed their children, not girls working the base. Maybe if I knew them too I'd see them differently. I would. But I don't want them to make their money from you.

  “And you never seen so many ‘Playboy Magazines?’ Well, I'm not all elated or something that you're looking at that but…I want you to tell me, but you just snuck it in there, that you want me and you're sick of pornography…well, okay, I guess. But I know you're going to compare me in your mind. Well I don't know what you see in me anyway. Sometimes I feel like I have just insisted my way into your life. Like at the airport I just insisted my way back in. Did I? Don't lie.

  “That last letter…man you hate the army more than I ever thought. But it's going fast, ain't it? Not fast enough, I know. But just think it's only two years and one over there, then it won't be so bad when you're home. And you'll come home to me. I know it. But…am I insisting again? I guess I am.

  “I know I didn't write every day I got so busy in there. I hope we can talk longer than last Sunday but I don't want you to burn up your money so the minute you get on, tell me everything. Maybe if you wrote it down, what you want to say. I don't care what it is I love, love, adore, bow, bow, to your voice, my music.

  “I'm sending you another picture like you asked for but it's so…I just don't take good ones. But I know you've got to have something. I have yours about worn out.

  “Don't show anyone mine. I mean, you can, but I feel so…shy or something just thinking about it. I wish I was more for you. More of everything. But I am this and there's not much I can do about it I guess.

  “I love you Danny Italiano.”

  Hilly

  That Sunday when he called I was barely out of my dress. I ran into the living room and picked it up. "Hello?" I said too eager, not all soft and hopefully seductive like I'd planned.

  "Hey Hilly. What are you doing so out of breath?"

  Hearing his voice made me catch a groan. "I'm…I just got home from Temple and I was changing into my clothes."

  "Are you naked? Tell me you are."

  That was pretty bold right off. Sometimes he did something and I felt a change in him.

  "I'm pretty bare under my slip," I said then looked wildly around for where Naomi was. She was in her room changing cause she had to go right back out to see Sister Beatrice in the hospital.

  "I wish I could hold you in that slip," he said, speaking low, sounding like he meant it, "and rub my hands over that silk. Is it silk?"

  "Silky, yes. I'd let you," I said. Then I waited, just breathing.

  "You're warm and soft and I still remember how you feel," he said.

  My throat wouldn't work, but I did this loud swallow all of a sudden and hoped he couldn't hear it.

  "I got your last letter telling me about you driving and the hospital and all. You say things about yourself…I get to thinking you don't know how I feel about you. I try to say it but it's like it falls back out of your mind."

  "Well…you're not here…."

  "I can't be there but…."

  "But right before you left we were apart."

  "I still wanted you the whole time. People break up because they're done with each other but that's not how it was for us. We barely got going," he said.

  We were stuck there a minute.

  "You told me to write what I want to say," he said.

  "Did you?"

  "I wrote a list kind of. Number one…those horny jerks at the hospital…I can't really blame them. I know you've got to go there for Lonnie…I'll endure.

  "Number two, Robert. He's always let his eyes pop around you and I do blame him. I know you can't stay away from him with the shop stuff…but he's not the little teddy bear you like to think he is. And about going to the commune…I know you want to see Sooner but I don't ever want you to go back there. You didn't mention the other one…Felix. That is not a good place for you to go. Don't go back. Just don't go there.

  “I know you'll want to argue, but…trust me."

  "Do you want me to answer now…about going there?" I said.

  "That would be alright."

  "I don't know. I need to check on Sooner," I said.

  "Don't go there. I'm taking up your…life I guess…but I just gotta say don't. I ain't apologizing for saying it. I don't want you to go there. Can you promise?"

  I groaned. "That is so…I'll try, I guess."

&n
bsp; "Good. Next, I know you're handling all the crap and shit stew Lonnie left behind and I want to be there with you and I can't be so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. You're a brave girl.

  "You're a driver. You're driving Lonnie's truck. Then I hope he's as sick as you say because anything of his you touch, or anything he's stolen from you and he thinks is his and you touch, he'll be pissed off. So I say keep his ass down so I can know you're safe from his revenge. I don't trust him. And…he owes you everything. He's a fucker and him being sick don't change that.

  "Last…I want to tell you what it's like here…the porn…the whores. I just mean it's around me but you're who I want…you are my flesh and blood girl. You give me hope there is more to this life than this stinkin' fuckin' army. You're real. The realest thing in my life. I trust you. I feel like I can. I'm the one who screwed up…not you. You've always said it's right with us. You've been what's right with us. I don't like these other guys around you. I'm like that. No matter who I see or am around, it's just you for me. I guess, even if I know it, I want to hear you say that back.”

  "You know it's just you. There's been no one else. Not ever for me, Danny."

  "I just need to hear it. I'm like…I need to hear it from you being so far, and I'll tell you. I'll say it. Just you…or…what have we got? Just you. We save ourselves for each other. I sound like a girl. But if we can't wait for each other…then we got nothing."

  "Yes," I said.

  He went on to say, "When I saw you at the airport it's like…I don't know if I can say it…like I walked an aisle and you were waiting. I know it's supposed to be the other way around, but for some reason…I had to walk to you cause…you've been there…you're not knocked off track…. And just that quick it's like…I chose you. I mean…I chose you, Hilly. It was…heavy…it meant something." He seemed to get choked there.

  The arguing was starting, his hand over the receiver while he spoke rapidly. I knew time was short.

  When he was back I said, "When you speak I want it in writing so I can read it again and again. When you write, I want to hear you say it. I…I guess I just can't get enough. I never can," I said and I was crying.

  "You didn't write enough this week," he said.

  "I got busy."

  "Don't…push me off."

  "I won't," I said.

  "Write more. Tell me…."

  "I love you. I cried on the way home from the VA because I can't bear to think of you hurt. I kiss your picture but I've had to stop because I'm ruining it."

  "Don't use tongue," he tried to joke. "No…use tongue. I'll get you another picture."

  "I do count the days on a calendar until you might be home. I feel you in my brain all the time, in my skin even, and there's really not a whole hour where I don't wonder what you're doing, how you feel."

  "Why?" he said. "Tell me why."

  Naomi never did come out of her room, but I had to keep my voice low but I spoke desperate, "Because I love you so much."

  "Do you think of how it will be…when we see each other again?"

  "All the time, don't you?"

  He laughed some, "I want to feel you under my hands, you know? I want the real you."

  "Me too. I want you."

  "Why?"

  "Because I love you. I don't want to be with anyone but you. No one ever…ever even comes close for me. It's you."

  We sat in those words for a few seconds. It wasn't a waste of time because it was so powerful.

  "Your heart beats so hard when I touch you," he said.

  It was hammering now.

  They were yelling at him and he said he had to get off. "Think about what we said and write me," he said.

  "I love you," I said.

  I heard scuffling and then the line was dead.

  Finding My Thunder 41

  Danny was coming home the day after Christmas. He would leave for Vietnam the same week Sukey got out of the boy's farm. Christmas at Temple was a busy affair. Ever since Thanksgiving we'd been collecting things, prizes and baking and cooking and sewing for the children and older folks, and moms raising children by themselves, and the soldiers and jailbirds, just everyone.

  We served Christmas dinner at the Temple and Naomi spoke to us after, the big white bird and the black fist rising up on the wall behind her. We pretty much loved or hated that fist but no one felt strongly enough one way or the other. And it did bring Derrick back when he visited Lavinia on holidays.

  Debra seemed relieved because Tad was due home from the army the end of January. But me, I was popping out of my skin thinking I'd pick Danny up from the airport next day. While Naomi spoke I rubbed my fingers against each other. These very fingers would touch him in less than twenty-four hours. He would be here. He was coming home.

  Endless letters and phone calls on Sunday. We had two weeks now before they shipped him out. Two weeks to try and get it close as we could to right. No more of this maybe, we should, we shouldn't. No more bullshit.

  I was in the pew my ankles crossed and pulled back and my legs scissoring. I had set up my room. I wasn't on the pill like I'd planned but I nearly was, not that it counted. I'd made it to Planned Parenthood, but it was up a long flight of stairs in Memphis and I went up them halfway and people were up there laughing in an office, I guess, I couldn't see, but I stopped on those stairs and I was so afraid to go up there, and maybe ashamed, I don't know, I had a lot to overcome to be a woman of my time. So we were going to have to think of something else and anyway I couldn't imagine I'd get pregnant. I knew I could but I couldn't imagine it and usually what I couldn't imagine couldn't happen at all.

  When Temple was over I got home and he didn't call me cause he was busy traveling, so I changed into my jeans and went to the big house. Naomi wouldn't be home for a long time. She had so many people to see and I had been so good and helpful I was free.

  So I ran to the house, some albums in my arms and I went into the clean kitchen and through the downstairs to run up the steps and I breathed that Pine Sol and went in to my old room. I'd been staying here some and Naomi didn't like it so much, worried about me, but I knew if I let her see me happy she wouldn't stop me. So I did let the happy out but it was mostly over thinking how Danny and me would be together. But my old room, it was in readiness, bed fresh and sweet, music piled and waiting, rug and pillows on the floor, candles waiting for fire and flame, new poster painted in neon colors. I laid there, music playing, and I thought of him moving toward me, coming my way after all these long four months, eager to be home with me, he said he was, and my arms aching to receive him.

  Longest day of my life the day after Christmas. I was an hour early at the airport. I'd nearly had a wreck in Lonnie's truck. There were still things I didn't know or understand about roads and Memphis was so busy, but I finally got there and parked and walked forever until I found the area where he'd be, and I rounded a corner and there was a game room and a soldier standing at a pinball machine and playing it, he had broad shoulders and he was tall and he wore a wide hat like a cop's hat, and I walked up behind and my body knew it was him before my mind ever caught up and he had a big green duffle bag on the floor by his feet and he had just cursed at that machine and his game was over. He turned around then like he felt me close maybe and I stood there and I didn't look like much, but I wore a skirt and a sweater and a white peasant blouse and the slip he wanted to feel under it and my hair was so long folks talked to me about it sometimes, asked me about it, other girls and guys touched it while I sat in my desk but I pulled it away.

  But now, he took it all in, not dramatic, just serious and happy at the same time, but quiet. He didn't reach for me, nor me for him.

  "Hey," I said, and he seemed to come to himself after looking me over and he bent for that big bag and hoisted it up and we just started walking, then we got closer and he put his arm around my waist and pulled me in but almost as soon we broke apart. It was too much and I was so excited, this feeling between us I almost couldn't think wher
e I'd parked the truck.

  Handsome? Oh my God he was the most handsome thing I'd ever seen. A man for sure. I had a man. Danny. He was clean shaven and bright eyed and his face seemed harder and his neck even so strong, and that big bag riding his shoulder like it was nothing. And his hands. He was so tall. Was I shrinking? No wonder I was so crazy in love.

  We said some dumb stuff, small talk people make. When we got to the truck he threw his bag in and we parted and got in each side. He seemed ready for something, his legs spread wide. His hat off and his hair buzzed but beautiful. "You gonna kiss me?" he said just those eyes on me making me crazy.

  "You want to drive?" I said.

  "You can," he said, then he pulled me over and his lips were on me and it was bold and he was in control. I was at his command cause I whimpered I was so pathetic and my hands were on his face and we were looking at each other now. I really didn't know if I could drive.

  He stared at my mouth just so boldly, "Kiss me," he whispered, and I did slowly let my lips touch his, and his tongue moved over my lips, then he pulled me to him and we kissed hard and his tongue was in my mouth and I thought I would die with this powerful lust that hit me like the holy ghost and made me moan. I just went crazy then, my feet on the seat and me falling onto him as I kissed him and knew him that way. I didn't want him to know how desperate I was, how lonely for him, a madwoman for him.

  He was laughing some and kissing me back but the laughing, even while he panted and put my hand on his thing that was big in there and hard and he lifted his hips off the seat but it wasn't organized and I could barely note what was going on I was just feeling inside and out.

  I ended on his lap, my legs over his, skirt hiked on pale flesh that drew his hands and led him all the way to squeezing my bottom and settling me against him. Naomi flew through my mind and I pushed that thought out. She wasn't here. She didn't know. It was just him and I was melting on to him and my arms were around him and I was never going to let him go. We were kissing with everything we had…I was…and surely he was cause this old truck squeaked and moved like it was coming to life.