Finding My Thunder

by Diane Munier

  "You have decided some things," she said finally.

  I didn't know what she wanted so I stayed quiet, but my eyes were on her.

  She clasped her hands behind her back. It was my turn.

  "I'm…sorry you found out that way. But…I couldn't exactly…I love him."

  She looked at me. Oh, it wasn't easy, but I held that look.

  "Yes…I knew you loved him," she said. "And you have given him yourself."

  "It means something…to us."

  "Yes," she said, pulling her gaze from me and staring at the ground again. "It is meaningful. Now you are an adult in your own eyes, doing adult things. What else do you need to tell me?"

  "Nothing…." But that wasn't true. "Just the things with the business. But I've told you some." My poor grades at school were an issue, but she didn't need to know. I'd work really hard to pull them up, but I'd been writing Danny and loading scrap and cleaning the house and doing all my good works to keep up the deal with God.

  "Well…we've talked about getting married,"this did make her eyes snap back to me, her whole body straighten.

  "Are you pregnant?"

  "No ma'am." But I didn't know, but surely not. It was just a couple of times and…unimaginable was like a shield.

  "Are you sure? Because then your life will change. By leaps."

  "He wanted to come with me…but I said no…I'd talk to you first. We just…just this once is all." Twice actually, my inner preacher said, and I said in my brain, 'shut-up!'

  "He gave you jewelry," she said noting the earrings. But I wasn't sure, the way she said it. I felt like a prostitute.

  "He loves me. I love him," I said fiercely.

  "Yes," she said, nodding sadly, staring again at that ground.

  "I know you think you understand…but…I can't hold back with him. I told God…all along. You say to be honest…I have been…with God. I made a deal with him for Danny. I'm trying."

  "A deal?" she said. "What kind of deal?"

  "I'm…I'm trying to do right…except…I couldn't wait. What if…what if something happens? But that's what the deal is. I'll be good and he'll let Danny make it home."

  She smiled but it was so sad. "Hilly," she whispered. "Come here," and she put her arms around me. Her hands stroked over my back, over my long wet hair that still had soap slicked into it, and my wet sweater.

  "You still…you glad I'm your granddaughter?" There was the ten year old.

  "Of course," she pulled me back and looked in my face. "Nothing changes that. But that don't make this right. You're not ready for this. There is nothing in place. You're too young for all the emotions…you've got school to finish and so much responsibility already and now the concern of this young man overseas. You don't know the future."

  "I have decided it's Danny."

  "You don't know the future. If you make a child…you're assuming he'll be here. Are you ready to raise a child? I'm not," she said. "Not a baby."

  And here's what I knew. This broken down garden represented Eugene maybe more than his actual grave. Somehow, what she'd caught me doing had brought her to him.

  They were still converging in me, all of them. But I loved Danny. I loved him and love always protected, always trusted, always hoped, always persevered. I would not turn back no matter where this love brought me. I had put childish things behind me.

  Finding My Thunder 44

  The two weeks of Danny's visit home were school-time for me. Naomi catching us in the shower meant she wanted to take charge of what I planned to do about my education…my public education, not the one Danny and I had been schooling each other in with the shampoo and exploration of body parts when she'd interrupted.

  She wanted to set and enforce rules. Problem was, she was too busy to be around to check on me, and…I was not above lying…not at all when it came to being with Danny.

  "You will not miss school," she said.

  She was right, I wouldn't miss it a bit. How could I when the minute I took off in Lonnie's truck, books stacked on the seat, Danny Boyd was waiting in front of his house smoking a cigarette and looking as handsome as a man on earth could ever be allowed to look in jeans and a t-shirt and a beat up denim jacket.

  Naomi said sin had changed our appearances and that when we got in heaven we would finally look the way we were supposed to since getting ushered out of the Garden of Eden.

  Well, Danny was not touched by sin in the regular way apparently. He was the one human, it seemed, still allowed that purity in face and form that we were all intended to have when we ran around naked and perfect.

  But Naomi catching us in the shower had changed things. She had pulled us both back to earth. The result? Danny bought condoms.

  And after I had spoken to her at the garden and he'd had time to go home and say, "hi to the monkeys," as he put it, he came back, still in the uniform, and sat at Naomi's table and told her his good intentions.

  She said, "I told you at the beginning what Hilly means."

  "Yes Ma'am," he said. "It's like that for me, too. Hilly is special to me…she's everything."

  "Your feelings could be heightened by going to war. That's why it's good to let things settle. She is so young to be…everything."

  He took in a big breath. "Yes Ma'am. But this is before going to war. This is real."

  I sat there too, but I was biting my lip because he'd asked me to let him have his say.

  "Marriage is God's provision for the kind of relations you two have engaged in," she said.

  "Yes Ma'am and I have asked Hilly to marry me. I would marry her today if she would agree."

  "That would be more about you than about Hilly, in my opinion. And true love is much broader…it focuses on the other. If you look at Hilly…does she need a child now? Does she need a husband at sixteen?"

  "Wow," I whispered, but Danny put a cautionary hand on my knee.

  "She doesn't need me at all," he said. "She's too good for me. I have disappointed her…growing up…and then breaking up with her before I left. Now going to war…she don't agree. So far, she's been right about the things between her and me.

  “I'm not as smart as her. I'm not as…strong in the same ways. She's always gone her own way…known herself. If I really look at her I think I should leave her alone. But then…when I did that…I hurt her. Me…I'm nothing but better with Hilly. But I've never deserved someone like her."

  His hand was on my knee and my hand went over his.

  "And there's more. My brother…you should know…Sukey. When she was younger…I should of let her tell it. He's been in the boy's farm. And next week he comes home. I have thought…," and he looks at me and there is a new thing in his eyes, "…well I went to see him while he was in there and I've talked since. I told him if he so much as looks at her while I'm gone, I'll kill him. And I will. The army taught me how to kill and I'm going to Vietnam and let's face it…I will kill or be killed. And I know from…from standing up to Paul mostly, but from sports and Lonnie even…I'll do my job. They said that about me in the army, they said, this one will make a hell of a soldier, excuse me Ma'am, but they said that. And I've told Sukey if he touches her…worries her in any way…I'll kill him."

  Naomi and I sat there, jaws dropped. Well mine was, but Naomi heard it all for a living so she just stared. And Danny, he looked back at her clear as a bell with no apology in that look.

  I thought of the oil on the stairs again. He had broken up with me. He was a protector. Too much. He didn't mess around. He sacrificed to protect. Did I realize?

  Did I know him?

  I thought of how many people he'd held on the circle of his protection. His mother. His siblings. Sukey. Now me. His country. He put us on there and spread us out and figured us out. I hadn't known of him hurting anybody…just protecting. He figured out ways…like with Paul…Tahlila…and he took it on himself to make it work. But would he hurt someone? He just said he would. He sat here and clearly said he'd kill Sukey.

  Naomi smooth
ed over the table with her hand. "You are alive in a very historic time, young man," she said. "Dr. King has been leading us in the struggle for Civil Rights. There is cause…there is always a case for violence if there is true oppression. But the message of a non-violent response has been his consistent message. To become like the oppressor…or worse than him…is a dangerous thing…a dangerous decision. You risk becoming a despot yourself. An oppressor yourself."

  She was just as clear as she looked back at him.

  He studied her. "Yes Ma'am," he said. "But if I have to be a…what you said…because someone I love is threatened and there ain't no stopping someone…like with Sukey…I ain't saying it's easy. But necessary. It's up to them…or him…what I become."

  "Then you become a victim of their oppression in your own mind," she said.

  "Not if you don't take it," he said.

  "Our choices shape us. There are rules and laws that govern us."

  "It's more power than anything. Who's got the bigger club and the guts to use it," he said.

  "What does that solve?" she said. "It perpetuates violence."

  "There's a time for it. Don't the bible say that? I know The Byrds do," and he laughed.

  "Well, violence is a last resort, a tragic resort," she said. "Should we notify Officer Bixby of this young man coming home?"

  "He has to report to Bixby. When he gets home I plan to see how he is. I'll be here and maybe his time away…I don't know. But once I'm gone, if something happens or is suspicious," he answered, "Bixby will be the one.

  "I'm not expecting him to give her any trouble. Sukey and me have an understanding. I'll be checking on him. He says he would never touch Hilly. But…I don't take anything with Hilly for granted," he said, and right there in front of Naomi he lifted my hand and kissed my knuckles, eyes on me and I stared at him some, at who he really was.

  And as soon as we got off to ourselves I asked him. "You…didn't take some action on Lonnie for my benefit, did you?"

  "Like what?"

  "Well…that day…you picked up that pipe."

  He nodded. "Yeah?"

  "Would you have….?"

  He nodded again.

  "I'm just going to ask you straight out. When Lonnie fell…they think he had a stroke…but before or after he fell they don't know."

  "Hilly," he said, "I was nowhere near Lonnie when he fell so if you think I snuck home from basic and pushed him…I didn't." He was smiling.

  And I left it there.

  "But that about Sukey…what…is he going to come after me?"

  "No. Not if he wants to live…and he wants to live, believe me."

  "Is he mad…about me?"

  "He's mad. About everything in the world. He blames everybody. He's just a twisted kid. He…he has to get his ass kicked out there and me being gone…he'll have to make it by himself. I can't…do it for him. My real worry is at home. Mom can't handle him and Paul…Paul's afraid of him. They're the worst combination…two peas…. Then the younger ones…." He sighed and looked down. "I don't want to think about him. You'll be alright. You have to let me know. Anything…let me know."

  "What can you do? You'll be in Vietnam?"

  "I can help you. Anything upsets you go to Bixby. Or…call my mom. I'm not going to cover for him in anyway. If he messes up they could end up giving him a choice between jail time or the army."

  On his second day home we got a hotel room in Corning. We planned to spend the day there, like a whore monger and his whore.

  He went in and got the room and I waited in the truck. When he was done he came out rattling the key to room thirteen. We laughed about that. I drove down the line to the right chipped green door and parked.

  "Anyone sees this truck they'll think it's Lonnie and Loreena," I said. Well I felt a little mean saying that with Lonnie so laid up, but it was probably close to true.

  We were laughing cause I had him hurry up and unlock the door in case anyone came by. Really I was all nerves cause we got this room for one reason, so we could peel off and do it. But I was behind him as he fumbled with the key, and I pressed against him, my big bag on my shoulder, clothes and things stuffed in there. I should be in typing class about now, but no way, no way ever. My cheek was pressed up against his back. "Hurry, hurry, hurry," I whispered.

  We practically fell in that door and slammed it behind us and he went straight to the bed, gripping my hand and I dropped my bag along the way and fell on top of him and we kissed and I loved him, oh my Lord I could feel it in the way our hearts hammered into each other's, hear it in our moans and groans, his thready way of saying, “Hilly,” my gasping response, “Danny.”

  Then he broke away, "Get up, get up, get everything off. I want to see you…I want to see," he said suddenly desperately ripping at his own clothes.

  We struggled with our clothes, ripping, until I got to my underthings, then he slowed down, got to his underwear and stood there, eyes on me and it took some guts to keep going because a self-consciousness flared up and started to yell in my head and I had to block it, yes my breasts were small and I was skinny and I had pubic hair and nipples and all, but he looked pretty happy about it. I was glad my hair was long, but he liked it all the more, and there must be some inspiration because his thing…well he took the last scrap off and there it was all ready for duty, like a giant snake and me turned to stone just staring. And backdropped by an explosion of ugly wood paneling and avocado, he was still the most stunning thing to walk this earth.

  "Come here," he said, his hand extended, him the other side of the bed so I had to get on it and walk to him on my knees. He took my hand right away, just looking at me like I was Christmas.

  "I want to tell you something you need to remember the whole time I'm gone," he said his eyes more green than anything this room could urp-up.

  "Alright," I said.

  "I love you. When I look at you, I just…," he swallowed here, "I could do anything. You make me feel…like a man. I just feel like a man around you."

  I tried to hold his gaze but it took some strength and my eyes dropped to his penis and it was hard and ready still. He was definitely a man, but I knew he didn't want jokes right now, so I looked back at him. "You are that," I said, "a man."

  "You think so?" He smiled.

  "Well…yes." I smiled. I didn't know what he wanted exactly…except the obvious.

  But me…I wanted everything.

  "Come here," he said again and he enfolded me in his arms and I reciprocated by holding him around the neck. He put his forehead on mine. "I love you. Nothing separates me from that…not an ocean…not a continent. Nothing changes that. Not anything I go through is going to change that."

  Emotion pummeled me of a sudden. "What if you go through terrible things?"

  "It won't change it. I will still love you."

  "What if…so much could happen," I dared to say.

  "It won't change me loving you. Nothing will change it."

  "What if we don't see each other…longer than one year. What if…."

  "What if's don't change it. Wherever I would go, this love will go. You understand?"

  "Yes."

  "Tell me something." It's like he was packing a mental suitcase.

  “I'll think about you all the time. And when I'm thinking…I'm praying. God is over us both. I'm asking him all the time…keep Danny safe. Bring him home. I'll be at school but I'll be thinking of you. In bed at night. In Temple. When I'm driving…."

  "Everytime I got a minute…me too…carrying you right here," his hand came up between us, his knuckles nudging my breast as he touched his heart, then his hand over mine.

  "Lay back," he said. "I want to look at you."

  I laid back and he went to the window and pulled the heavy green drapes over the sheer white ones. Then he turned on the lamp beside the bed and came around to the side I laid on. He stood over me and his hand ghosted over me and he moved some of my hair aside, and he looked at me, and he touched me so gentle as he
looked, not just at my breasts, but all of me. He touched my face with the backs of his fingers, and ran one single pointer over my brow, then over my lips and I kissed that finger. He traced down my neck and I lifted my chin, and he gently moved long strands of my hair aside, settling them along the pillow.

  He drew the curve of one shoulder then the other. Then a single line over my breast to my nipple, then the backs of his fingers again against that, and such sensation in me my eyes slid closed for a moment. Then he slowly lowered to his knees, like he just gave in. He buried his face against my stomach, then I felt the warmth of his mouth on my skin and the tease of his barely-there hair and I lifted a little in response. And his hand moved down the length of my arm and he brought my hand to the back of his head, and he kissed me all over my stomach and buried his face over my private place and my head lifted and I gasped, and I pressed harder on his head and he parted my legs or they parted on their own, but he was there and he was looking and praising and invading with his soft wet lips and the slight prick of his whiskers and I didn't even know if I should feel sorry for him or what, but it was making me crazy and I couldn't keep my head up and it fell back on the pillow and all of a sudden I burst into a million bits and flew all over the room, then splatted back into myself and by then he was moving over my thighs and modesty was gone, blasted, and my legs were flopped anywhere he wanted them and he wanted them wide and he was kissing and stroking me and kneeling in the vee of me and looking so happy and proud of himself. It made me laugh but no sound came out…just love. Just love.

  We tried to do things, have dates, but we could only stand others around for so long, then we'd hurry off to be alone. The good thing about Naomi? Much as I know she wanted to, she had too many other people needing her to watch-dog over us.

  Before we knew it week one of our own personal love-in was over.

  Then Sukey came home.

  Finding My Thunder 45

  Danny insisted on picking Sukey up by himself. Sukey was not allowed to just leave the farm but had to be released into the hands of a capable adult. Danny's mother had spoken with the farm and Danny was the capable adult. Being in the military helped. I wanted to go with him. I would see Sukey at school. I didn't want to live in fear of him, and I didn't want to be in a car with him either, but to be with Danny I'd do it.