The Hazed Series (New Edition)

by Brittany Butler

  The corners of his mouth quirk; this beautiful, scarred boy just needs to be reminded how much I actually need him in my life. Maybe he goes about it the wrong way, but I’m not exactly innocent in our relationship. He rises, inches from my face and tucks a stray hair behind my ears. When his soft, amber eyes find mine, I know I can’t hold onto my anger. He smiles, knowing what he does to me, his dimples are full force.

  “Are you really going to sleep?” He asks.

  I shake my head once. “No, I was pissed and wanted you to leave.”

  He leans in slightly, his lips brush against mine and I steady my breathing. “And now? Do you still want me to leave?”

  “I don’t want you to leave, but you probably should,” I say.

  Confusion casts over his face while he searches mine. He pushes himself from the bed, the mattress gives in to the sudden movement and I lose my balance. For a moment I think he’s going to apologize, but the sincerity is replaced by a scowl. “Do you have someone coming over?”

  “WHAT?”

  “You said I should go…And that look you gave me! You always pull this when you’re pissed at me!”

  I stand, knowing I can’t sit anymore. “Yeah, I said you should probably go, not because I don’t want you to stay, but because this happens every single time.”

  To my surprise my voice is calm. His shoulders slump and he runs his hands through his tangled hair. From the look on his face, you would think he had just physically hurt me. I know he’s sorry, I know he’s insecure, and the logical part of me knows that with everything he’s been through, this is normal. But I don’t know if I can drag myself down anymore to help him. And besides, how can you actually help someone that refuses help? He’s told me he won’t talk to a professional, he won’t talk to me anymore and I know there’s so much more that needs to be said. I know there’s huge life changing factors that he hasn’t told me. I know I could be with him if he was willing to change, willing to talk to me, but I don’t know if he is.

  “Fuck,” he groans. He rubs his face and falls back on my bed. I don’t move and I don’t say anything, I wait for his apology or explanation. Anything he can do to stall, I know he wants to stay with me, but he can’t stop finding excuses to pick a fight. “Why didn’t you just say that?” He complains, he lifts his hand from his face, peaking at me.

  “I shouldn’t have to explain myself. Normal couples don’t do that…You’re going to have to tone the jealous boyfriend thing down. Just a tad,” I say, holding my thumb and finger up.

  “Fuck normal,” he grumbles with a smile on his face. He stares at the ceiling, thinking. He sits up, eyeing me. “Boyfriend? So do this mean…?”

  “It just slipped,” I say, blushing.

  Throughout this roller coaster of a relationship, we really haven’t labeled ourselves. It just slipped carelessly from my mouth, and it couldn’t have been worse timing. His grin is smug, almost tantalizing as he walks to me. He knows I meant it, whether I want to admit it to myself or not, I did mean it. His arms wrap around my middle, tugging me closer. I know I should move away from his touch. But he’s a constant storm in my life, clouding my head, ensuring I make bad decisions. He doesn’t do it on purpose, he knows we’re not good for each other, but there’s something about us that makes us fight back harder, thinking we can overcome it. He kisses me lightly and pulls back, watching me, waiting for me to make the first move.

  “Tell me you want me to stay, Taylor, or I’m leaving right now,” he says. His voice is low, warning me, but I hear the underlying plea. I chew anxiously on my lips, hesitant under his intent gaze. I don’t answer him, not because I don’t want him to stay. Words are lost on me. He kisses me again, testing me. He pushes me back on the bed and climbs on top of me, one knee falls between my legs, knocking them apart. With his elbows on each side of me, he holds himself up, we lock eyes and I know what he needs from me.

  “Stay,” I whisper.

  And that’s all it takes, all restraint melts from him and he gives himself wholly to me. His lips move down my neck, nibbling as he goes. I feel his fingers at my waist and I lean up, encouraging him to unbutton my plaid shirt. When he hesitates, I pull his off and throw it on the floor. His smile is smug as he lowers his lips to my ear. I shiver at the closeness.

  “Impatient, are we?” He whispers.

  It feels like an eternity has passed when he finally reaches the last button. I watch him with hooded eyes, my breathing is shallow. Needing him to be closer, I rock my hips into him and that’s all of the encouragement he needs, after tossing my shirt to the side, he dips down and sucks on my right breast. Looking up at me with a sly grin, he gives my nipple a tug. I dig my heels into the sheets, and thread my fingers through his hair, tugging. Our first time was great, but now I know he was holding back on me.

  “These fucking pants. Don’t wear them when I’m not around,” he says. His fingers slide under the band of my leggings, then he gently tugs them down my legs. My hands travel down his chest, stopping on the small tattoo, the only one on his torso. My finger traces the inked skin, when he sighs, I move on. I fumble with his belt, unbutton his jeans and he kicks them off.

  “Shit,” he mumbles. He pushes himself off of me and crouches by his jeans. The crinkling package makes its presence known before I see it. As he brings it to his mouth, I sit up, enjoying my favorite part of the show. Using his teeth, he tears the top off the package. His eyes never leave mine as he tugs his boxers down.

  He leans over the bed, with his hands placed on each side of my thigh, he kisses me softly. It’s easy to forget the scene he just caused when he kisses me like that.

  “This your last chance to make me leave…and keep your virtue.” His grin is wicked as I cock my eyebrow.

  “I think you ran off with that long ago.”

  He shakes his head. “It comes back to you when I leave. And then I fuck everything up…”

  I silence him by pressing my lips to his. Finally, he disposes of the only clothing separating us and rolls the condom on while whispering he loves me. He lies on me, half of his weight is supported by his left hand, the other half crashes into me. His right hand glides up my thigh, only stopping when he reaches my center. His fingers plunge inside and I let out a gasp.

  “Let’s try something new,” he says. I nod my head, silently cursing him. He knows that I’ll agree to anything right now. “You on top.”

  Unsure of what to do, I roll over and straddle him. He lets out a laugh and I blush.

  “No, babe, turn around. Face the other way,” he says.

  I scan his face, not finding a hint that it’s a joke. Without a word, he rubs his hand on the small of my back, grinning. That’s the thing about Hayze, he can read me like an open book. He knows when I’m nervous, he’s patient with me. He tugs me down to his chest, his lips meet mine with a slow, sensual kiss, and then he pulls away.

  “Trust me, you know I want to make you feel good,” he promises.

  All doubts melt away and I turn around. His hands loop around my waist, helping me position over his length and gently presses me down so that he slides in. I tense, and he doesn’t move right away. I hold my breath, getting used to this new position. It’s much different than the other times, I can feel every inch of him in me.

  I shift, testing out the new pressure, and he groans from the movement. The sound shoots pleasure down my body. With new found confidence, I begin to rock, biting my lip when it becomes too much. I know these walls are thin and with students arriving back, I don’t want them to hear what Hayze is doing to me. His fingers trail down my spine, stopping at my waist. He bumps into me, matching my rhythm. The pain blends into pleasure each time he slides into me.

  “Turn around, I wanna see you riding me,” he says.

  He pats my back side, encouraging me to move. With his help, I face him without skipping a beat. His pace speeds up, pushing me to keep up. His face is flushed with desire, and his eyes snap shut. I circle my hips around, loving
the look on his face. His hand drops down and rubs my center.

  “Oh, Hayze,” I moan.

  “That’s right baby, I’m the only one that make you feel like this.”

  He gently tugs me down and hooks his arm around my neck. With his hand rubbing me, and the new pleasure, my body trembles in pleasure as I cry out. I mash my lips into his, hoping to drown out the noise, and I feel him tremble. His hand slides down and in one movement I’m lying flat on my back, looking up at him in awe. He pumps in and out of me, giving all of himself to me.

  I lay, pantingand wrestling with my own doubt. After he collapsed beside me, his breathing evened out and he hasn’t said anything. My hair is tangled around my arm, I want to move and readjust, but I’m afraid of waking him up. What would I say? We were mid fight when this happened—nothing has been resolved, will we go back to the fight or continue on like it didn’t happen, like the last three days didn’t happen? If I know him at all, he wants to forget it happened. And that won’t work for me, along the way we’ve collected so much baggage that we can’t possibly add anymore. He needs to know he can’t follow me to my dorm, pick an argument, then fuck me until he falls asleep. That solves nothing.

  “Stop over thinking it,” he mumbles. I jump, thinking he was asleep. He chuckles and tosses his arm around me to pull me near.

  “I’m not thinking about anything,” I say, defensively.

  “Bullshit. I didn’t come over here for that…Just so you know.” His words soothe me, but only for a moment. He knows I’m thinking about what just happened, maybe he’s lying.

  “Sure you didn’t, Hayze,” I say, my tone is loaded with sarcasm.

  I stare at the ceiling, studying each stain, nail, and anything I can find to take me away from here. My mind overthinks, it always needs something to do, and recently its job is to overanalyze Hayze. I keep replaying today, over and over, wondering where it went wrong. Why can’t we sit down and have a normal conversation, without yelling? I believed he followed me over here to apologize, but now laying here beside him, I’m afraid he was using me.

  He sighs, “I uh, I’ve been thinking…We’ve never been on an actual date. I tried once, but it doesn’t count, you couldn’t keep your hands off of me. Like today,” he says.

  I nudge him in the side, he holds it dramatically and groans. He sits up and the sheets pool in his lap, leaving him exposed. He rubs the back of his head, like he always does when he’s nervous and I cock my head to the side.

  “What is it?”

  “Do you wanna go out…with me? On a date?” The fact that he’s nervous is everything to me.

  “No.”

  He looks surprised; I start laughing and he grins. “You just used me? What are you going to say next, that you want me to leave?”

  I shrug my shoulders, looking up him innocently. “Well—”

  He leans over, quieting me with a kiss. “Huh uh, not happening. You’re stuck with me forever.”

  My stomach does a flip when he says forever. His head falls on my chest and I tangle my fingers into his hair. If every day could be like tonight, we would be okay. We would be forever. But if he leaves again—if the doubts, or what ifs come back, we have to stop. This isn’t good for us.

  The door slams into the wall, I squeal and hold the covers over me. Hayze lays over me, blocking me from the visitor. “Fuck, Lea! You could knock!”

  “What in the actual hell, guys? I ran after you when Joel told me about your little scene! Seriously?” She laughs. “I guess I’ll come back…Please be decent.”

  “My place?” He asks as he falls to my side again.

  “Hayze! That could’ve been Joel coming after you! Why didn’t you lock the door? If she would’ve walked in two minutes before,” I say, rubbing my temples.

  “First of all, I said I didn’t come in here for this. It would’ve been a little cocky to lock the door,” he says and I scowl at him. “And if Joel, or any of my friends ever walk in on us they won’t make it out the door.”

  He chuckles and moves around my room, searching for his scattered clothes. I help him gather his clothes then dress before anyone has the chance to walk in. Lea is nowhere in sight and I thank god for that, I don’t think I could face her after what she walked in on. His fingers wrap in mine, and he taps me with his thumb. I look up at him, finding that he’s watching me.

  “My place?” He looks at me, amused. He puts his hands on my shoulders, swaying me from side to side.

  I look down, fixing my eyes on my mismatched socks. “Actually, I think I’m gonna stay here.”

  He shifts then lets out a long sigh. “I thought we were okay.”

  I look at him, matching his scowl. “But we’re not, Hayze…You can’t just follow me back to my dorms after being gone for days, have sex with me, and think everything’s okay. That’s not how it’s works.”

  He rolls his eyes at me, exasperated. “I don’t know recall you saying no.”

  My body goes rigid, with my arms slung across my chest, I walk to the door and hold it open for him. “That’s not the point,” I seethe.

  “Then tell me the point! Why didn’t you say no, huh?” With long, precise strides, he crosses the room and slams the door.

  Frustrated, I blow my bangs from my face and place my hands on my hips. “Because I wanted to, and now I want you to leave,” I say, nodding my head to the door. “Since when did a casual screw mean so much to you?”

  “Since you changed me,” he says.

  If I didn’t know him, the puppy eyes would win me over. But I do know him, and I know he’s full of shit. He hasn’t changed, not yet; and after the past three days I’m wondering if he’s capable.

  “Lea’s probably ready to come back in,” I say, opening the door again.

  “What happened in the last few minutes for you to put this wall up?” He asks, motioning his hand up an invisible wall in front of my face.

  I shrug my shoulders, feigning indifference. “Nothing, we both know it shouldn’t have happened.”

  “Where does that leave us?” His eyes are holding mine, willing me to change my mind.

  Confused. My eyes drop to my feet again. Not for the first time, I’m frustrated at what happened tonight. We could’ve talked, we could’ve worked through things, but now I’m standing in front of him wishing I would’ve locked the door behind me.

  Sensing my dilemma, he grows impatient. “Say you’ll go out with me,” he begs. “Before you make your decision, please.”

  I hold the door open wider, sighing. Lea is standing at the end of our hall, looking bored. I look back at Hayze, he’s planted in front of me, and I know he won’t leave until I agree. After everything we’ve been through, we should go out, even if it’s for closure.

  “I’ll go,” I say, reluctantly.

  His shoulders visibly relax as he takes a step to me and wraps me in his arms. He kisses my cheeks, and his lips trail down my face, stopping on my lips. “You won’t regret it,” he says. He walks from my room, leaving me doubting my decision.

  I hope not, Hayze. I really hope I won’t regret it.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  I do a final mirror check. I opted for less makeup tonight, strictly powder and mascara. I pinch my cheeks, making natural color flow to them. Knowing Hayze, my face will be red all night, I think he enjoys embarrassing me. My beige sweater is tight and low cut, without being immodest. I chose a pair of maroon skinnies and brown combat boots. Now that I’m checking every angle in the mirror, I’m having second doubts. I wanted to be myself, not over the top, but maybe I should try for another outfit. It’s basically our first date.

  My nerves get the best of me and I chew anxiously on my bottom lip. He hasn’t told me where he’s taking me and that worries me a little. I don’t have enough time to panic, a knock on the door draws me out. I stand, smooth my clothes and my unruly hair and answer it. Hayze stands in front of me, simply dressed in jeans and a tee. His black leather j
acket covers his tattoos, there’s something about the combination of his classic car and leather jacket that makes me want to call off the date and pull him in my bed. But I shake that image from my head. I breathe a sigh of relief that he’s not dressed up, but now that I think of it, when has he ever been?

  “Ready?” He asks, kissing my cheek.

  “You tell me. I don’t even know where we’re going,” I say, gesturing to my outfit.

  “You look fine, Babe.” I close my door, locking it behind me. “More than fine,” he whispers, coming up to my backside. With a stroke of his hand, he sweeps my hair back and places a kiss behind my ear.

  “Stop it,” I giggle and slap him away. Or we won’t make it out.

  When we get to the restaurant my stomach is in knots. It’s the same place Corey took me on that…unforgettable date. The smell of Italian knocks into my senses when I open the car door. People spill from the front doors, waiting for their names to be called.

  “We have a reservation,” Hayze tells me, seeing my reluctance. I smile at him, thankful; I’m surprised that he thought ahead. When we get to the lobby, I freeze. Chandler and Kassi are seated on a bench. There’s no way to avoid them. They were really nice, but I haven’t talked to any of the group since the night at the cabin. Kassi is the first to see us. She stands and walks unbelievably fast in heels that have to be over five inches. Her soft blonde hair is braided and hanging off her shoulder. Her smile is genuine, making me feel worse about my reaction.

  “Taylor, it’s so good to see you again,” she says, smiling. Chandler walks over and slings his arm over her shoulder, splashing his beer in the process.

  “Clarke,” he says, tilting his head to Hayze. “Was wondering when I’d see you again.”

  Hayze laughs once, but it’s missing humor. “You just saw me last week.”

  “Yeah, last time I saw you, you were taken off in cuffs. Good to see you’re out, what happened?” My body goes rigid, I do a quick scan, hoping no one heard him. Chandler’s smiling and I can tell Hayze is trying to play it off as a joke.