Get Zombie: 8-Book Set

by Raymund Hensley

  “How may I assist you, master?”

  I pushed it away.

  “Leave me be,” I said. “I have problems.”

  It saluted. “As you wish, my queen.”

  I opened a freezer and took out a brain and defrosted it and ate it.

  Nothing.

  No what???

  Only one answer....

  The universe was against me – enjoyed seeing me miserable. The universe got off on it! I walked to the chalkboard and drew outer space and the stars and all the planets, and then I drew myself inside of Earth. I drew a giant foot stepping on Earth, on me. And then I went crazy – I made all these confusing lines and shapes and just went completely nuts. I kicked the chalkboard over and screamed and fell to my knees and wept. I had no control. I was being stepped on. I was being forced to live by someone else's rules. I felt like a slave....

  My heart was talking to me.

  Go to church, it said. Trust me. Happiness awaits you.

  I needed to see Father Lolligal. I needed to talk to him. I needed peace.

  He could help me.

  It was his job.

  I walked back upstairs and picked up the jewelry Phil bought me. I put them on and modeled in front of a full size mirror.

  “Such pretty things,” I said. “I look good.”

  I took a shower and thought of Lolligal....

  When I got to the church, I saw a peculiar car parked out front. It was painted gold. I asked a passing, crying nun whose it was, and she said it was Lolligal's. I didn't realize he was so well off. His service must've been going real good. Now here was a real man! A wealthy man of mind, spirit, and wallet....I wondered how much money he had, and if he was married. Hopefully, he didn't have any kids. I didn't want them stealing my dreams. Ha ha ha....

  I walked in.

  People were all praying for the same thing. “Please, God,” said a Samoan woman, “please give me a lot of money.” An old Chinese man prayed, “Please, God, make me rich. I'll be happy once I have a lot of money.” A young white man prayed, “Please, God, help me win the lottery.” He was on his bare knees – pants rolled up. Must've been holding that position for hours, because his knees were bleeding. In fact, all those people were kneeling. A nun walked around, soaking the blood up with a mop. Cats were all over the place. Many were wrestling around and fighting over scraps of meat. A nun ran after them, waving around a broom, trying to shoo them away. The odor of rancid flesh was in the air. It was acidic....I walked into the confessional and knocked on the wall.

  A tired voice answered.

  “WHAT? Who is it? Can't a priest get some sleep around here???”

  “I'm sorry,” I said. “Maybe I should come back later.”

  “Fran?” His voice perked up. “Wait. I'm sorry. I just had a bad day.”

  “Maybe you should go home early and chill. Maybe talk to your wife about these problems?”

  “I'm not married. Can't. Not after being ordained.”

  Exactly what I wanted to hear.

  “You can vent to me,” I said. “I'm all ears.”

  He sighed.

  “You don't know what it's like. People coming to you all the time, telling you gross things. Can't people keep their problems to themselves??? I'm sorry. That was nasty. I don't mean to be such a jerk. I'm just...exhausted.”

  “Seems like people are taking advantage of you.”

  “They are! But it's not like I can say 'beat it'. This is my job. I'm sacrificing myself to these people. Sacrificing my time, my sanity.” He paused. “You know...sometimes when people tell me certain disturbing things, I feel like I'm infected. I feel like a sponge. I'm afraid I'm turning into these people.”

  “You need a break, Lolligal.”

  He looked at me. “What is that wonderful scent? Smells like the beach.”

  “That my perfume. I found it on the ground. Do you like it?”

  “You smell very good today.”

  I smiled.

  “Thank you.” He was making moves on me. He was interested. Any fool could see that. In a way, I knew I already had him. My mind was painting away the plan: Dinner, polite comments, agreeing to his views, laughing at this jokes. Then came the occasional light touch – on the shoulder, on the leg. You know how it works. Hahaha (touch his leg). Yes, obvious stuff. But if my gut was right, it wouldn't matter to him. I could pull off all the cliched tricks in the book, and he'd still go along with it. This guy was lonely; I could smell it. He needed breasts to cry on. He needed love. I was gonna give it to him, including my body....

  “You've listened to me describe my wretchedness, Fran,” he said. “Now tell me yours.”

  “How about over dinner? Are priests allowed to go out on dates?”

  “Yes!” he said, voice cracking. “Just two Catholics talking about normal things. We can go in a few minutes. Just let me run to the back and put on my civilian clothes.”

  He zoomed out from the booth and vanished into a room. Cats followed him inside. I walked outside and lit a cigarette.

  “I'm in love!” I said to the clouds.

  Again?

  “It's different this time.”

  You always say that.

  “I was confused before. Now, it's the real thing. I promise.”

  I got the sense that someone was rolling their eyes at me.

  We got into his golden car and drove into Waikiki. That car had everything. When I wanted a drink, robot hands came out and poured me a glass of expensive wine. When I said my neck was sore, robot hands gave me a massage. My phone rang. It was Phil.

  “Damn,” I said. “It's my ex. He won't leave me alone.”

  Lolligal smiled. “Not to worry,” he said, and pressed a button. A robot hand took away my phone and aimed it at a robot mouth sticking out from the dashboard. I could hear Phil begging.

  “Please, baby. Please come home. I'm here waiting for you. I had to break in to use the bathroom. I'm sorry. Please don't be mad. When are you coming home? I made dinner. Bacon. Your favorite!”

  The robot mouth spoke into the phone in a manly voice.

  “Hello? This is the police. Do not call this phone every again. If you betray these words, you will go to jail. Goodbye.”

  The robot hung up the phone and handed it back to me. I was impressed.

  “Brilliant!” I said. “That'll teach him to be heartbroken. Now I can have a relaxing night out with my new friend.” I held his hand, and Lolligal smiled.

  “Where do you wanna eat,” he asked.

  “Raw Fish Heaven.”

  “Excellent choice.”

  When we walked into the restaurant, everyone looked in awe. I felt like royalty. We had a great dinner. He kept buying expensive foods and drinks for the whole place, and I laughed at all his lame jokes. That was key, understand? Laughing at their jokes. They love that. And of course, he looked dead in my eyes whenever I had an important issue to discuss.

  “I suddenly got the urge to kill again,” I said. “And it was like my brain gave out a great sigh of relief. I felt empowered – in control. Great! Amazing! Wonderful! I was alive 100%. Time to get serious. Time to get busy. Time to make a difference in the world....Playing around with the idea, I wondered who I'd kill first. Phil!”

  Lolligal looked up from his meal.

  “Ahhh, I remember him.”

  “Phil. That idiot. What a waste of my time. What a mistake. What an accident. Can you reverse the process?”

  “No.”

  “Well, how long until my love ghost in his heart dies?”

  “Depends. Usually after three months, love ghosts tend to get bored. They loosen their stranglehold.”

  “I tried to force him to hate me.”

  “Did it work?”

  “I'm not sure,” I said. “I hope so.”

  “So do I,” he said.

  Lolligal look concerned.

  Whatever. I'm sure he didn't give a damn. You know guys. I'm sure he wanted to look at my breasts. I had to gi
ve him points for being so in control. This guy was smart. We were two players – two masters of the game. But one of us had to lose. Had to give in....

  I didn't go home that night.

  I slept over his place.

  PHIL

  I knew what I had to do. I had to marry Fran. This was all just a test. She was testing me! Testing to see if I really, really loved her. Bravo. Well played....You almost had me! I went to the bank and took out all my money and bought the biggest diamond ring I could get my trembling hands on. She'd see the ring and make love to me. I'd ask for her hand in marriage, and she'd be mine forever. I'd own her. Wasn't that the point of marriage??? She wouldn't be able to make love to anyone else. She'd be all mine! Hahahah!

  When I got home, I found all my stuff thrown out on the lawn.

  Fran was there, but she was dressed like a nun for some reason. She was tossing my psychology books into a fire. It was all very confusing. Was this her way of saying she loved me? By burning my stuff? Maybe this was another test??? I walked to her, got on my knees, and showed her the ring.

  I opened my mouth – and she snatched the ring out from my hands and threw it into the fire.

  “You stupid, devil!” she spat. “You think you can just waltz back into my life with a fancy ring?! How rude! How disrespectful!”

  I wanted to say something important, but all I could manage was, “I...I...I....”

  She began pushing me – jabbing me in the chest with her finger, inching me close to the fire.

  “Get out of here,” she said. “I love someone new now. Don't you get it? My heart belongs to someone else.”

  A police officer walked out from the shadows and put his hand on her shoulder. He meant business. Fran smiled.

  “Oh, now you get it,” she said. “That's right. You better leave and not come back. I'm serious.”

  She turned her nose up and spun around, crossing her arms. The cop smiled at me.

  “All right, buddy,” he said. “Time for you to go.” He put his hands on my neck, and I lost my cool.

  “Fran!” I begged. “What's happening?!” I made a run toward her. The cop kicked me in the back and dragged me across the ground, across the mud. Grass was in my mouth. “Fran! This game has gone too far! Help me!”

  She threw handfuls of mud at my face.

  “Leave me alone! Leave me alone, devil! I'm a nun now! I'm a daughter of God! I sing in a choir!”

  The cop threw me in the middle of the street. A car almost hit me. The cop reached into my pocket, took out the car keys, and kicked me in the ribs. I wiped the mud from my eyes and saw Fran walk into the house. The cop stood outside, scanning the grounds like a robot.

  I started to think that this wasn't a test at all.

  It was really over.

  She was gone.

  Now what?

  I slept in a ditch that night. Correction: Tried to sleep. Dammit. It was hard closing my eyes with all those cars going by and throwing ice cream cones and banana peels on my body. Not to mention I had a centipede crawling up my back.

  My heart hurt. I was vomiting more than usual, and with each retch, I could feel my heart tearing apart. I was seeing things! My puke moved....Like snakes....They slithered around. I was filled with rage. I picked up those snakes and tore them all up. What was happening? Terrible dreams. Terrible dreams.

  Wake up. Wake up!

  I stood and walked around some more and ended up in a cemetery. I tripped and fell into an open grave. I tried climbing out, but mud is hard to hold onto. I kept falling back in. After a long time of struggling, I shrugged and just gave up and sat there in the mud...thinking...wallowing in deep, disturbing thoughts. I needed to go someplace safe. I had an idea.

  In the morning, I went to church and saw Fran. The place was alive with music. The place was filled with so many people. They all had their hands in the air, merry folk all singing, all swaying left and right. Fran was in the choir. She saw me and went, “NOOOO!” and the band stopped dead – crashed to a halt. Someone dropped their trumpet. A sudden vibe of hate and pity shot through the air. Fran pointed at me and started crying. Everyone looked at me, scowling at me, gritting their teeth at me. Lolligal hugged Fran, kissed her on the cheek. He was crying.

  “Be gone, devil!” he yelled at me.

  That band started playing a scary song: The Little Drummer Boy. A hand fell around the back of my neck. It was the cop. He smiled and picked me up like a wrestler and threw me outside. I rolled down that hill and broke a finger. They didn't understand. I wasn't there for her.

  I just wanted to go to church. I was just looking for love.

  Real love. Like my hero Mary J. Blige.

  LOLLIGAL

  Fran walked into my office, dressed in her nun uniform, and she looked beautiful. I offered her a job as my secretary. She frowned.

  “I don't think so. I have to put in more hours at my job. I have bills to pay. This is my life now. Kill me now.”

  I held her hand.

  “Work for me, and I'll double what you're making as a vegetarian.”

  “Veterinarian.”

  “Veterinarian,” I said. “Work for me. Be my secretary. We can be together all day! Make sweet, tender love all night....” I said that last part with a devilish grin.

  She smiled, and it filled my heart with joy.

  “Let's make love right now,” she demanded, pulling my hair back. “Let's do it right now, lover.”

  She pulled my hair back again and kissed me and rubbed me, called me “lover” over and over, and I had no choice but to give in to her lustful ways. We tongued in a mad way, and we held each other and banged into the walls and into the cabinets and even fell on my desk. Much glass shattered. Papers flew all around us. We were making so much noise, but I just kept kissing Fran – kept my hands traveling all under her nun costume. I loved hearing those sexy moans in her throat.

  “Be mine forever!” she demanded every ten seconds.

  We rolled around on the floor.

  I started thinking about my great escape.

  No more Cutthroat Heroes. No more aliens. No more church. No more work. I wanted to run away with Fran. Somewhere peaceful. Maybe to Canada. I wanted to spend every second with her...making love to her. The Pope would never know. I'd just vanish. Poof! Gone....

  As we made love, I couldn't help but notice a queer sight.

  The walls were bleeding.

  I blinked, and the vision vanished. I didn't tell Fran – not in that hot moment of passion. I never wanted it to end. I held back as long as I could, if you catch my meaning. Wasn't easy. Takes years of practice, of meditating with monks in isolation on a temple high up in the middle of nowhere. Sometimes, to master my mind, I had to stand naked in a freezing lake. The monks begged me not to do it, but I insisted. Other times, I made a monk, named Turtlebird, climb a tree and drop burning bricks on my cloth-less groin while I was fully erect. Ahh, to be young again.

  I told my daughter all about Fran, how I was so in love with her, how I wanted to run off with her to Canada, or possibly Uganda.

  She approved.

  “Just send more tuition money,” she said.

  I wanted to believe she was smiling.

  CHAPTER THREE

  NO MORE DEVIL BUSINESS

  LOLLIGAL

  At the end of the night, I took Fran over to my place and kissed her from head to toe, licked her clean. Take me literally. After our lovemaking, I told her I had to go back to the church, that I had something important to do. Once there, I went to my office, to the bathroom, and filled the tub with holy water. I jumped in, and the water bubbled violently. I started screaming – I was on fire, but I stayed in there.

  I threw bibles into the tub with me, and it enraged the water further.

  After an hour of that wildness, I got out and stood in front of a mirror. My body from the neck down was a solid black. I had slime all over me – coming OUT of me.

  Good, I thought. Let it allll out. I am pure n
ow. Praise be to Jesus! Finally PURE.

  I went into my office and pressed a button on my desk. A bookcase slid to the side, revealing a statue of Satan. I picked up an ax and chopped off its extremities.

  This was it.

  No going back now.

  Fran, I thought. I'm doing this for you.

  And then I cut Satan's head off...and chopped it in half at the face. It exploded into locusts.

  They flew all around me. I started to scream and bat them away.

  “Leave me alone!” I begged. “Not real! I'm just imagining things! NOT REAL!”

  I opened my eyes.

  Except for a slight pain in my chest and arm, everything was relatively normal again. I chopped the statue's limbs to even smaller pieces – almost to dust.

  I got a broom and swept up the mess...and took a shower.

  CARMEN

  The woods were laughing at me. I ran around and started hitting trees with rocks and sticks. “Shut up!” I pleaded. “Stop laughing at meee!!!” I saw frustrating things: Apple trees turning into baby brain trees – and I wanted to eat them, but whenever I put them in my mouth, they turned back into apples. I felt like I was on fire all the time. I ran around the forest and cursed the treetops. I swung on vines and swam in rivers and punched beehives and caught fish in my mouth. I was kicking trees until my legs bled, pulling out weeds until my hands bled, and chasing stray cats until my lungs imploded. I rode on the backs of stray dogs that complained all the time, and I got into a fistfight with Sasquatch. He vanished into a portal. Was he even real???

  Excessive shaking; extreme sweating. My body was betraying me! Only one thing could set me right – Babiroin.

  “I can't take it anymore!”

  I made to run back into the city in hopes of finding a drug dealer, but my animal friends stopped me – stood right in front of me and created a wall of forest creatures.

  “Don't go!” said the aardvark. “You can't go. You're naked. It is folly!”