Love Exactly

by Cassandra Giovanni

My composure cracked.

  I shook my head. “I…I don’t know I would’ve.”

  Evan’s voice was firm as he said, “You’re a strong person.”

  “I’m glad you think so.”

  “So you were a junior in high school when it started?” he asked, his voice gentle.

  “Yeah, and he broke up with me on graduation day.”

  “Nice,” Evan muttered to himself. We were quiet for a moment. “That was a while ago, huh?”

  “You don’t know my age,” I inferred, and he nodded. “Twenty-three.”

  One of his eyebrows shot up. “Really?”

  I nodded and smirked at him. “You’re an old man.”

  “Yeah…I guess so,” he answered, but despite the light-hearted way the conversation had suddenly turned, his eyes were still dark.

  “There’s still something I don’t understand,” he managed to say after staring at his hands for seconds that felt like minutes.

  I took a deep breath before saying, “How scars can still ooze five years later?”

  His brows furrowed over his eyes as if he didn’t want to admit it but he nodded.

  “Because we let them.”

  I watched as he scratched the back of his head like he was uncomfortable with what I said, or with whatever he was about to say.

  “You haven’t forgiven yourself for it,” he finally stated.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean you haven’t forgiven yourself for what you feel you made happen.”

  “I can’t forgive myself for what I put my family through,” I explained, but Evan still shook his head.

  “There’s more to it than that.”

  His words were strong, and I knew they weren’t meant to hurt, but they did because they were the truth.

  “I…” I began, but I found I had to look away from him. “I lost myself between then and here. I’m having a hard time finding my way back.”

  Evan’s lips were in a firm line as I looked back to him. “Maybe you need to stop trying to find your way back and just start moving forward to who you are now.”

  “Easier said than done,” I retorted.

  Evan stood and held his hand out for me. When I put mine in his he pulled me up into his arms, pressing our bodies against one another.

  “I know who you are,” he said, his breath washing over my neck. “I’ve fallen hard for that person, and I sure as hell am not going to let you fade into your past!”

  I nodded. “Good.”

  “Now, about those flip flops?” Evan said with a grimace that annunciated his strong chin. “The band might have some strong words about them.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Really? And they wouldn’t have an issue with a pink tutu?”

  He ran a hand through his hair. “Eh, I’m sure they’ve seen me in worse.”

  “Do I want to know?” I asked as I pulled away and gave his shoulder a soft tap.

  “I’ve known them since I was sixteen, and being the old thirty-something I am, they’ve seen me drunk more than once. I’m sure I’ve done things more embarrassing than a pink tutu.”

  “But flip flops are just unbearable?” I teased as I leaned down to collect our coffee mugs.

  He smacked my butt before jogging ahead of me and turning as he reached the door to the apartment.

  “I’ll try them on—then we can argue about it,” he conceded.

  “Damn right!” I commented as he held the door open for me.

  Chapter 5

  When I woke up on the fourth day of his stay Evan was already dressed, sitting at the end of the bed, playing guitar and singing. I closed my eyes and took another deep breath as the sun began to wash over the bed with the melody of his unique voice. That was one of the reasons he had always been one of my favorite singers—he had a voice that no one else could imitate. It was high, with a whine, and although his range wasn’t amazing, the emotion within it and what he did with his talent was. I opened my eyes as the sun touched him, bathing him in a yellow light that backlit the scene perfectly. He was playing with his eyes closed and smiled as he felt me moving but stayed as he was while I grabbed the camera on my desk. I snapped one picture and put it back on down before crawling up behind him and wrapping my arms around his shoulders.

  He turned his face so I could kiss him.

  “Good morning,” he said as his hands came to a rest on the strings of the guitar.

  “It really is,” I replied, kissing his neck. “I could think of no better way to wake up.”

  He put the Ibanez on the bed and pulled me into his arms, his kisses telling me he felt the same. The sun warmed my skin just as his kisses did, and I waited for the dream to fade; fortunately, it didn’t.

  “I can’t believe it’s almost over,” he sighed as his lips moved away from my neck and he buried his face in my hair.

  “Your life isn’t that bad,” I teased, pulling away and looking into his face. The usual five o’clock shadow was there, but as I said the words I watched his vein which led to his tattoo covered collar bone pulse in irritation.

  “This sort of thing isn’t supposed to work,” he replied with his voice muffled in his arm as he looked away from me.

  “You mean you being famous and me being utterly and desperately normal.”

  “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

  “Evan,” I climbed out of his lap and forced him to face me, “you’re doing what you love. Please, don’t let me spoil that. That’s the last thing I want…”

  “You’re not spoiling anything…I just wish I could take you with me,” he answered with a shrug.

  “I’m sure you’d get sick of me quicker than you think,” I teased, and he rolled his eyes in response.

  “What worries me is what people say…in the media…the photo shoots…the music videos. I don’t want you to ever get the wrong idea.” He swallowed as his hand reached out to touch my cheek. “I want you to trust me.”

  “You haven’t given me a reason not to.”

  He retracted his hand and ran it over the stubble of his chin. “I know it must be hard for you, though.”

  “And it’s not hard for you?”

  He nodded. “You’re right.”

  “Always…remember I’m always right,” I answered.

  He took a deep breath and that coy, half-smile came over his face. “Just do me a favor?”

  “Anything.”

  “Don’t watch the music videos.”

  “I like watching you perform shirtless—you would deprive me of that?”

  One of his eyebrows arched and he stood, pulling me up and putting me in my computer chair before yanking his shirt off with a wink. He spun around, grabbed my hair brush from the nightstand and jumped onto my bed. I gawked at him as he started to sing and gyrate his hips with a self-satisfied look on his face.

  “What?” He paused. “You don’t have a video camera?”

  I started laughing as he began to sing again, over exaggerating his movements as he sang the lyrics to the rather sexual song. I stood up, starting to sway my hips as I walked up to him, and his face reddened as he watched me. His voice remained even as I climbed up the bed and ran my fingers over his sculpted shoulders and chest. When I kissed his neck his voice faltered and he started laughing.

  “You don’t have a video camera?” he teased and I bit him in response. “Hey, watch out—I like that sort of thing.”

  I rolled my eyes and smiled up at him. “I do enjoy staring at you shirtless.”

  He sighed as a thought struck him. “Does it bother you other women do too?”

  “You had to mention that?” I retorted. I suddenly felt deflated.

  He tilted my chin up. “You’re the only one I think of shirtless.”

  I choked and shook my head. “You haven’t seen me shirtless.”

  He raised his eyebrows. “I have an imagination.”

  “It doesn’t bug me as much as I thought it would,” I explained. “I know none of them ca
n do this.”

  I leaned up and kissed him as I let my hands slip down the muscles of his smooth back and into his jean pockets.

  “Mhmm,” was his mumbled reply through his lips.

  Chapter 6

  I stood in my driveway for far too long after I watched Evan speed off in the rented black Audi. I was avoiding the one thing I knew I should do, and despite myself, wanted to do. I signed up for the instant-press site that allowed me to write anywhere, anytime online as Evan hovered over my shoulder, but now I couldn’t bring myself to go inside and hit the “Add Chapter” button.

  “So,” my dad began rounding the corner, covered in dirt and grime, “who’s the new boy toy?”

  “Looks like you’ve been obsessing over the garden again,” I said, looking him up and down with a smile.

  “Looks like you still think you can fool me. Who is he?” he asked with a nod over my shoulder in the direction Evan had driven away.

  I faced my palms to the sky as I shrugged. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Dad shook his head at me as he wiped his hands on his pants. “I may spend most of my time in the garden or in board rooms, but I’m not dumb. I saw the Audi he had the last time he was here. Obviously, a rental, so who is he?”

  “A friend,” I replied, crossing my arms.

  “Come on, Ems, you’ve got to give me more than that,” he replied as he wiped some sweat from his brow.

  “You look thirsty,” I said, nodding over my shoulder. “I’ll get some ice tea—meet me at the dock?”

  He smiled at me. “That’s my girl.”

  I rolled my eyes at him before I went into my apartment to get us some drinks. I made sure to find the largest glass I had for him, knowing Dad, he’d drink it in two gulps.

  I tapped him on his shoulder when I got to the dock where he already had his feet in the water.

  “Thanks, dear,” he replied as he took the supersized glass and gulped down half.

  I laughed as I slipped my shoes off and sat to dangle them into the water.

  “So…”he began.

  “We’re dating…please don’t tell Mom. She’ll blow it out of the water and ask a thousand questions—”

  “I won’t tell Mom, as long as you tell me a little bit more about him. I haven’t seen you bring home a boy…in a very long time,” he paused as he thought of the time. I figured that he realized it was never in reality.

  “He travels a lot for his job, which explains the rental car. We met over coffee and hit it off,” I shrugged in a nonchalant way that made my dad scoff.

  “You don’t just let anyone in. There has to be more to it than that,” he observed as he drained his glass.

  I took his cup from his hand and poured some of mine into it before handing it back and answering, “He’s making a really big effort, and it’s hard because of his traveling, but he really does try.”

  “You deserve someone who’s as thoughtful as you are,” he nodded to his drink before taking another sip. “He seemed a different type than the usual.”

  “You mean he’s not scrawny?”

  My dad let his shoulders rise and fall, a smirk on his face. “Maybe a little bit.”

  “He’s not the usual, but isn’t that what makes a person special?”

  “I sure hope so,” my dad agreed. “How long have you been seeing him?”

  “We met a few months ago, but with his schedule this is only the second time I’ve spent with him.”

  My dad’s eyes widened. “He spent quite a few nights this week.”

  I closed my eyes and shook my head. “He spent them on the pull-out.”

  When I opened my eyes his hands up were up. “I wasn’t judging. That’s your business.”

  “With the music festival on the coast there weren’t many hotels, and it was a last minute decision. He ditched a work obligation to come see me,” I explained, and I knew from the smile spreading on my dad’s face there was a blush on my cheeks.

  “So what does he do?”

  “He’s a singer in a band.”

  “Oh, hot stuff,” he teased as he began to chew on a piece of ice.

  “Thanks, Dad.”

  “How’s work going?” he changed the subject, knowing I was becoming uncomfortable with divulging so much about my somewhat relationship.

  “Eh, a lot of stupid assignments…nothing all that interesting, well besides the music festival. I think work heard rumor of my dating a famous person, so they want to see if I can get any hot topics, which I can’t. Evan stays out of the media the best he can,” I explained.

  “I can understand that one,” my dad retorted.

  “So how’s your work?”

  I knew the people my dad managed where often a handful. He was on the board of directors for some project in town, and every year around this time the employees would start asking for raises, better healthcare, and bigger pensions.

  “We had someone ask us for a six dollar raise. They demanded that or a 6% cut in health insurance costs.”

  “Nice, I wish I could get health insurance…let alone a six dollar raise,” I replied with a shake of my head.

  “With your new sugar daddy you won’t need a job pretty soon if you play your cards right,” my dad joked, making me laugh.

  “Yeah, you know me—I’m all about stealing the money. That’s how I got hooked up with that ride,” I fired back, nodding over my shoulder at my beat-up Honda.

  “I thought loud exhausts were the in thing?”

  I stood and held my hand out for him. “I got the hole in the exhaust welded, you didn’t notice?”

  He joined me and we began the short walk back up to the house together. “I did notice. It was starting to be a real hassle with you coming in at all hours of the night in that thing.”

  “I know 6:00 p.m. Is so late for you old people,” I returned the joke.

  He handed back my cup before pulling me into a dirty, sweaty hug.

  “I’m glad to see you happy, Emma-bear.”

  Chapter 7

  Instead of writing I sat looking at the laptop screen, tapping my foot to the music and surfing the internet radio station. All I needed to do was type; it should be easy, yet it wasn’t. I realized I had built up so many layers of defense over my pain I didn’t know how to write anymore, let alone what to write. How do you overcome something like that? The therapist I had seen for two sessions told me I needed to grieve. I hadn’t understood her then. What was I grieving about? Eric and I were done. He couldn’t hurt me anymore, or so I thought.

  I could see my reflection in the screen of the computer and hit the button to change the brightness so I couldn’t see myself. While I watched my image fade into nothing, I realized I had had something to grieve about, but denied it. I said it out loud to Evan, yet I hadn’t listened to myself.

  I had lost me, but how do you grieve for yourself?

  Even now as I accepted it, I still I had no idea how to cope. My parents seemed to know who I was; Evan seemed to know who I was. Still, I sat staring at the white screen and wondered why I didn’t know the Emma they knew. How I could find my way back?

  I’d been in the darkest corners of my mind. I’d fought against doubt, insecurity, and I’d put up a shield even I couldn’t get past. I knew who I was not, but that didn’t help me to know who I was.

  I put my head in my hands as the soothing song on the radio sunk into my soul and when I looked up I typed three words:

  I am me

  It was the truth, and it didn’t really matter what it meant because it just was.

  I continued to sit staring at the cursor blinking behind the ‘e’, but was interrupted by the sound of feet coming down the stairs from above. I wasn’t surprised when my mom popped her head around my bedroom door.

  “What you doing?” she asked with a smile.

  “Nothing,” I turned in my computer chair to face her, nodding over my shoulder. “Just trying to write something.”

  “Any
luck?”

  “Not really,” I replied, and turned my wrists over to look at them.

  Mom walked in and flopped on my bed. “Any plans for today?”

  I traced the vein popping out of my wrist and smiled as I thought of Evan. Then it occurred to me.

  “I was thinking about going to get a tattoo,” I said, looking up at her. “You want to come?”

  Her mouth dropped open a little and she stared at me, puzzled. “Huh?”

  “Tattoo. You game?” I repeated as I turned to my computer and typed in the search box.

  “Since when do you want a tattoo?” Mom asked, standing and hovering over my shoulder.

  “I’ve been thinking I’d like one right here,” I answered, pointing to the wrist I had just been staring at. In truth I hadn’t really been thinking about it. I’d been thinking about Evan and his tattoos, and then suddenly I felt the need to mark myself as well. “It won’t be anything too big or gaudy.”

  “It better not be. I kind of like the way your father and I created you.”

  I looked away from the computer and up at her to gauge her seriousness, but she was smiling.

  “You mad?”

  She rolled her eyes. “It’s your body.”

  “Nothing big— I promise,” I replied.

  “I know just the place,” she responded as she reached over and shut my laptop screen.

  “You what?” I asked.

  She shrugged. “I know somewhere. You know what you want?”

  I nodded and she went towards the door.

  “Let’s get going. I’ll call on my way there to make sure they can fit you in.”

  I didn’t know how she knew the tattoo place, and I wasn’t really sure I wanted to find out. I followed her up the steps into the house where my dad sat with the laptop, glasses perched on his nose. He looked up and smiled.

  “Where are my girls off to in such a hurry?”

  Mom stopped for a moment like she hadn’t expected him to be there before she shrugged, “To see Tom.”

  “Please get something better than a unicorn this time, mhmm?” he muttered as his eyes went back down to the laptop and he started typing.