My Black Hole Heart (Colour #3)

by A. Giannoccaro

  The two men have moved to the bar and I see the blond one looking over his shoulder, checking the passage entrance. I sit at their table in the hope that if they won’t follow me, I will just join them. I see the smile and the chatter exchanged as they notice me on their walk back, too damn easy. He runs his hand through the long mop on his head and licks his lips, I have whet his appetite and he’s about to feed my demons. His friend is bit more introverted, he walks one step behind as if there is no way I would be here for him, he’s used to being second best to his hot friend. Only I don’t see the appeal, the shy one intrigues me. His beard and neat hair tell me he is a straight line sort of fellow. I am going to make this good looking blond friend feel like he does—insignificant and unworthy. Mind games excite me, I love to fuck with people’s feelings. I almost want to laugh out loud as I watch the two of them hesitate before they finally approach the table.

  “Hello gents.” I greet them looking only at the one with dark hair, his eyes are down as if he is embarrassed by my attention or avoiding it at all costs. Something tells me he isn’t what meets the eye and I feel a prickle of warning. Blondie offers me his drink as he sits. “No thanks, that looks better.” I point at his friend’s whiskey, five points for choosing a big boy drink and not a fucking beer. He seems loathe to give it to me but slides it over, his friend sits between us, I can sense he is used to the attention, probably a bit of a man slut. “So are you going to tell me your name before I drink from your glass?” Eyes on the man across from me, ignore his buddy the game is going to get fun. “Mathew,” he stutters out. Gah, I just knew it would be some proper name. I bet he went a private school and has finished university with a law degree or something equally boring. I glance at his friend, waiting for him to answer me, I know he will whether I wanted to know his name or not. Killing him is going to be fun, I bet he cries like a girl. “Owen. And what’s your name beautiful?” The way he drags out beautiful makes me grind my teeth. He thinks I’m some silly girl who models or cuts hair. I’m so tired of being underestimated.

  “Avery.” I answer looking at Mathew as I sip on his drink. “You have good taste Mathew, expensive but good.” He smiles and I can see Owen’s confusion in my peripheral vision, I don’t care about him though. I like what I’m doing to Mathew—he’s is smiling now and sitting up straighter.

  “It should be, he’s a doctor.” Mr Jealousy pipes in from outside our little bubble and my attention snaps around to him my expression should tell him enough. I want to murder you—run away while you can.

  “And what do you do, Owen?” I ask because I have to keep him a little engaged not because I care. I can guess before he even says it. “I’m a gynaecologist.” I knew it would be something ridiculous. He bores me, make no mistake, he’s something to look at, strong jaw, just enough stubble to make the girls wet their panties and arms that tell me he goes to some yuppie gym. Oh, Owen is a good looking lad, but there is no mystery. What you see is what you get—good looking half-wit that looks at vaginas all day. “What do you do, Avery?” I love this part, I slip my hand into my small bag and take out a business card, my red nails click as I set it down in front of him.

  Avery Leahy.

  CEO O’Reilly Holdings International.

  A name that’s plastered on billboards all over the globe. I’ve been in business magazines and spoken at the University that the two of them most likely attended. I eyeball him waiting on a response but he’s dumbstruck so I go back to Mathew who has a huge smile because I managed to silence his cocky friend.

  “Dance with me, Doctor Mathew.” I play on his ego a little but really I just want to touch him. He looks like he feels good under those stiff clothes, I like touching. I turn my eyes downward a little so I’m not as intimidating as I usually am as he holds out a hand and stands up next to me. Too easy. I look out the windows so that I can see across the street as Eiran sits drinking and watching. His venomous eyes stare at me and I can see even from here he clenches his jaw. Mathew’s hand settles into the small of my back. It feels good, I like the warmth as he guides me to a small corner where there’s just enough room to dance if you get really close to each other. I glance over Matthew’s shoulder to see Owen sipping his beer, I’ve battered his ego and he looks upset—shame poor him. Mathew smells good as he pulls me close to him, a little more in control than I thought he would be. I can feel him as he begins to sway me, leading the dance. I knew private schools make the boys learn to dance. My head rests perfectly in his neck as I’m a little shorter than he is and I see his pulse right before my eyes, I imagine his blood pouring from it. The hands that were so gentlemanly earlier creep a little lower resting almost on my ass and I suck in a breath so he knows I noticed. The deep notes of the music lull me into smooth movements with him, I like this feeling. I always like this feeling, when they don’t know any better and try to seduce me. My eyes open enough to see the fury brewing in his friend, left at the table as we get sensually acquainted between all these other bodies. Mathew leans his head down a little lower so I can feel his breath—the breath I plan to rob him of later on. Just a little longer and I know the temptation of kissing me will be too much and his gentlemanly control will crumble. I pull my body flush with his. I can feel that it affects him, men cannot hide their lust like we can. I won’t lie, if I was wearing knickers they’d be soaked because Mathew is good at this. He gets overlooked by the ladies often but when they notice they are rewarded. I run a hand through the hair in the nape of is neck and he growls in my ear. “You make it hard to be a gentleman, Avery.” Oh, I know I do. “So don’t be a gentleman then.” I hiss back on his neck so that he can feel my lips and I know I’ve won. Mathew kisses me, some people notice others don’t, Owen notices and leaves for the bar—well there goes half the fun. His tongue tastes of the whiskey I like to drink and his hands are rough as he holds me tighter on my exposed skin. Kissing is the most intimate thing in the world to me, I can tell so much about them when I kiss them. My heart beats a little faster and I feel my breath hitch as I swallow hard to hide the physical reaction I’m having. I hold on a little tighter and push harder against him seeking the connection. My body responds to touch, not emotion, the physical feel of his body against me is what elicits the response. The warmth rising up my chest, the buzz of nerve ending coming to life. Touch me, kiss me I live for that high of being touched. You cannot disguise or fake a kiss, Mathew is filled with hidden passion and secrets. I open my eyes after he stops, my breath is taken away just for a minute. I love this part where I feel it. No emotion, not the electric shock of sex dancing through me, the pulse of lust beating in my veins. He pulls me even closer and keeps dancing, I wonder if he’s afraid I’ll be gone if he lets go. Over his shoulder, I look across the street to the parked cars and see Eiran standing behind one, his eyes bore holes into mine and I smile at him. I take a hand off of Mathew’s back and slide it between us so I can feel his hard on through his pants. He stiffens as I touch him, and grabs my hand to pull it away. He grabs my ass hard and bites my earlobe before he whispers again, “I would prefer if you saved that for when we are alone, Avery. I don’t like to share and I especially don’t like Owen to see when I win.” He thinks he won.

  “So let’s go be alone, Mathew, because I like the way this feels.” I slide my hand back there just for a second and he grips me by the wrist and drags me out the front door. He is hard and moves with determination and no consideration for me, I like this. The pavement is uneven and I’m stretched to keep up with him as he strides. His grip is so tight it’s biting into my skin. I see Eiran. He wants to take a step closer. He hates this as much as I love it—his hesitation makes my heart flutter—he wants to stop me, but he can’t. Mathew stops and opens the door of a large SUV and he helps me in before kissing my cheek. I have a fleeting minute where I think I might just be the prey this time; gentleman Mathew has a vicious side and I see that twinkle of darkness in his eyes. I have to cross my legs to try and control the pull he has on my lady
parts. I recognise a villain when I see one, and the slightly shy guy from inside was a disguise for the benefit of others.

  I like the silent type, I usually keep them around a little longer than the others and Mathew isn’t a college boy, he’s a man. An older man that I plan to enjoy. When we stop at a block of upmarket waterfront apartments just a short way from the bar he turns and speaks for the first time. “I will take you to fetch your car when we are done.” When we are done? What the fuck does he think he gets to decide when I am done? “And when will that be?” I ask with a raised eyebrow. He doesn’t answer me. He just gets out and who comes to open my door, I’m not sure—gentleman or predator? It doesn’t matter because the only part of me that has any sway right now is between my thighs.

  The garden apartment on the ground floor is very modern but lived in, I look around taking it in. Nice and easy to clean such smooth surfaces, Eiran will be happy, carpets are always such a bitch. A spaniel barks at me through the glass doors and I smile, I like pets but my dad never allowed me to have one. I think he was worried I would kill it if he did. I got Eiran instead. I’m handed a glass of good whiskey that I don’t plan to drink, I’m far too aware of how easy it would be for a doctor to drug me, I’m a criminal, not a fool. I set the glass and my bag down in a spot where I can get to easily if I need them. Mathew closes the blinds, shutting the dog and the world out before he returns to me, lifting my chin up he kisses me again. This time no one is watching and he has no need to be civil. He bites my lip and I like it too much, I groan in appreciation. Pulling his shirt from his trousers so I can feel his skin, I feel something else I missed earlier—a gun. What sort of a doctor needs a gun? I remind myself of where we live and that everyone actually needs a gun. I push that little alarm that goes off inside my head aside because his hands grabbing my ass and pulling my hair feels so good. Standing between the living room and his kitchen, I let myself feel. Not emotions but the physical touch of him against me. The push and pull of control dragging us back and forth with each touch, bite and kiss. God he was making me forget who I am, he dominated me like no other had ever tried. He was not afraid of a woman with power. I’m usually numb to the charms of men, I choose them young and naive on purpose. This is breaking rules and moving too far from my comfortable predictable patternless pattern. Oh fuck me this feels like heaven. He’s stripping me bare of the control I always have and I like it too much to stop him. “Let’s go, little lady.” He growls pulling himself from me and walking down a small hallway that leads to the lion’s den. I normally give the orders, I don’t know why I just follow him. I’m having a brain malfunction and I really should get out of here but my stupid cunt is begging for him to fuck me and I know that’s exactly what he is going to do when we get to the bedroom. He kicks off his shoes at the door of the master bedroom and while looking at me, unholsters his gun and lays it down on the dresser. Even from where I stand, I can see the safety is off and it’s loaded. His holster falls on the floor where he stands. The doctor is not what he seems. I ignore it because I have a knife in my stockings that I know he has felt already so he knows that I am more than meets the eye. The voices in my head are screaming loudly as he unbuttons his dress shirt and loses his cufflinks. Motherfuck, how can I listen to them when that is in front of me. His friend was not hot, that is hot. That is man, not boy, or young man—man, defined and perfect each muscle sculpted not from gym, but from being active. I’m standing dead still, rooted to the spot as a watch the gentleman transform into something quite different as he disrobes, his smile isn’t seductive—it’s predatory. My plan to hunt has backfired. I will still kill him, maybe not tonight but eventually he will have to go. His pants are loosened and hang on his hips, his chest is on display for me, there’s a slight dusting of hair. Not enough to be gross but not bare like the boys I usually undress. I look past him to the photograph hanging above his bed, a silhouette of a man on the shore with a surf board above his head—he likes the water. The room is clinically neat and nothing else in it has any personality at all. I didn’t notice him stalking closer to me while I was distracted with taking him it all in, until his smell filled my nostrils. “You have far too many clothes on, and I don’t allow shoes on the hardwood floors.” I robotically respond to him by sliding out of my heels and unbuttoning my shirt. I’m waiting for the moment he sees what I hide below the surface. His eyes widen and I see the bad guy in them smiling, his tongue licks his bottom lip and I know I don’t stand a chance of surviving this unchanged. “You are quite the work of art, Avery. I always wondered what you would be hiding under the stiff work clothes.” Fuck he knows me, or of me. I should never ignore the voices. I stiffen at his comment, “Oh, I know who you are, I almost couldn’t believe it when I saw that business card. I never had the pleasure of meeting any of the other bosses before.”

  He’s one of our doctors, that’s a good and a bad thing. I have nothing to live or die for so I just leave the thoughts behind and for a minute or two I chose to let this happen. “You work for me don’t you, Mathew. I bet your name’s not Mathew.”

  “I work for Callum and in here, I don’t work for anyone. In here—” He points around the room. “There is only one boss and it’s me, Avery. Leave that knife next to my gun then get naked on my bed.” His boldness both infuriates and entices me. I slide my skirt down my legs and before I can step out of it, he removes the pretty garter that holds my weapon. My knife is now in his hands. He’s in my personal space, looking into my eyes and I know he sees me. He traces the line down my middle with the blade of my defence all the way from my breast bone to my belly, he stops just before he gets to the part of me that drips for him. Lust is a demon that can leave us all defenceless to our needs. “This is a surprise I must say.” He drags the blade slightly lower to where the artwork licks my cunt. “Did it hurt?” he continues as I nod truthfully, because it hurt like a bitch when I had it done. That grin that says so much is back and he presses the blade a little harder against my skin before he lets out a soft rumble and says, “Not nearly as much as I’m going to hurt it.” His violent words make my insides tense in anticipation. This is the shit you read about in dirty books. This cannot be real. He holds the blade to my throat as he turns me around, reminding me just how very real this is. I’m not in control. I find that thought strangely comforting and freeing. Why should I always have it all together? I want to fall apart, and I want to fall apart with this man, whoever he is. “What’s your real name?” I ask because I have this intimate need to know the real person not the front that I met in the bar. He’s a doctor, that’s the only truth he’s told so far.

  “Mathew.”

  “Don’t lie.”

  “I’m not. Mathew is my name.”

  “It is not.”

  “Avery is your name, you don’t even lie about it, why would I?”

  “I can just tell it isn’t who you are.” My sixth sense tingles with a bullshit warning.

  “Mathew is my second name. So it’s no lie and I’m not sharing who I am with you, Avery. This isn’t about you. This is about the desire dripping between your thighs and a need that I have to shove my cock in you and possess you, so shut the fuck up and just let go.” I hadn’t even realised my death grip on his knife wielding hand. I relax my fingers and drop my arm. “Good girl, go lay down.” Good girl? Something I was never told, something so simple but so crushing all at once. I was never anyone’s good girl before.

  I let it all go, for once I don’t hang onto myself at all. He hurt me, just as he promised he would. His hands smacked me, then brought me to the edge of ecstasy. His teeth tore into my flesh but his mouth made me come until my body felt broken. He hurt me and I loved it, he fucked me until I had tears and it was earth shattering. I lost myself in his torment and found pleasure I never knew existed.

  Surrender is so foreign to me. I cannot get my mind to reconcile that I surrendered to him, my body adored it as I came over and over again with his vicious touch. Spent, fucked, and
feeling—a place I hate to be. True to his word, he took me back, dropped me at my car and left me there. I sat in my car for a few minutes trying to reconcile what had happened when a loud knock on the window made me grab for my knife. It wasn’t needed as Eiran’s black eyes met mine with pure hate. I lowered the window which I normally wouldn’t do for him, but tonight I am not myself.

  “I don’t have to clean up?” He seems bitter.

  “I liked this one.” I spit back and start to put the window up.

  “You are playing with fire and the devil, Avery. Neither of us should be fucked with.” His threat is evident, he doesn’t like it when I keep them around for any amount of time. He likes it that I kill them because then I’m still his in some stupid childish way. Part of me will always be his, but no part of me wants to be.

  “Fuck off, Eiran.” I close the window and start my car. I wonder if he knows the doctor?

  I need a stiff drink and my bed before the day starts, I hate this feeling that’s bubbling up from within me and I need to numb it out quickly. Callum will notice it in a second and heaven forbid him or my father see me crumbling. No matter what I do I cannot rid my heart of the thump it makes when Eiran is involved. On the drive home, I realise something in the cavity of my soul. I felt that same fucking dreaded gut churning thump with him, it makes we want to go and kill his dog.

  No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may.

  We ourselves must walk the path.

  I WATCH. I ALWAYS WATCH. I want to take, touch and to fuck, but my fear stops me. The memory of the blade slicing the flesh from my bones makes me to scared to do anything more than watch her. I know that someday watching won’t be enough and my willpower will defeat my fear and I will fuck her till she bleeds, but until then I keep watching. I swallow the hurt every time, each new lover is the same pain of the knife she cut me with. It’s not special anymore. I unconsciously trace my scars when I think about it, I’m watching her dance with Callum’s doctor now. I know that will go over like a charm when he finds out. No one will ever be right for her in their eyes, she isn’t allowed to get close to people she is to be a ghost, a public face of the company and a poster child of career criminals. Her hair covers her face as it rests on his shoulder, I’m sure he can feel her breath on his skin as his hands skirt dangerously close to her ass. I can almost feel what it must be like to touch her that way, with tenderness and feral intent. I make no attempt to hide myself tonight, sometimes I do hide just so she feels secure. I know she taunts me on purpose, as if she knows I’m there watching for her. She makes it a theatrical performance. Tonight something is different, he isn’t a young college guy that she can use her looks and power to push over. This is a man, a powerful man with connections and an appetite for women. I have had the pleasure of helping him out a few times, my cleaning services are not exclusive to Avery and her messy love life, it’s more of a company-wide situation. I need to go closer. I pay for my drink and go downstairs. The air is still hot even outside and I light a smoke and stand across the street so she can see me watching her. There’s something different in Avery’s demon eyes tonight. I have seen it before though. That’s a dangerous twinkle in the blackness of her soul, she feels something and when she feels someone pays for it, I’m still paying for those few minutes I made her heart beat. That look cost me my fucking soul, the doctor can only hope she kills him quickly.