My Black Hole Heart (Colour #3)

by A. Giannoccaro

  “Running then?” Who is this man? “From something or to something?” I stop and glare at him as he steps in front of me just a little, his smile is friendly as he lifts an eyebrow genuinely waiting for me to answer him.

  “No idea where or why I’m going, Not Mathew, but I needed to leave.” I answer him with a half truth, I know why I am running I just have no clue where.

  “Have coffee with me before you disappear?” he holds out a hand to me, I nod but don’t take it, my body did stupid things the last time he touched me and I’m not letting that happen again. I shove my hands into my pockets, so I’m not tempted to touch him.

  “Where are you going, Mathew?” I ask as we re-enter the busy front of the building.

  “The next job, I really am a doctor.” He says it convincingly enough, I’m reminded that he killed Callum, the one person that kept me from self-destruction was gone and this man took him from me.

  “I know you killed him.” He glares at me glancing around to see if anyone heard me.

  “Sit,” he pulls out a chair at the Wimpy for me. “Firstly that’s what Callum hired me to do, it was my job to end it before he lost the last shred of dignity he had.” A waitress approaches us so he stops talking and we order coffee. He looks pissed at my accusations, the dangerous glint is back in his eyes and I know I’ve struck a nerve.

  “Dying is bad enough without suffering, Avery, we don’t even let animals suffer. We save them the agony and put them to sleep. He chose me because I understood that. I was not just a doctor to him, I was his friend we talked, laughed and even fucking drank together. It is not easy what I do you know.” He sounds angry and bitter over it. “He spoke about you all the time, he was angry about the other night and told me that I was not in the future he planned for you.” Callum was so concerned with the future, he forgot to live before he died.

  “I can only imagine, no one was ever part of his plan for me.” It is the truth I don’t think Callum would ever have approved of anyone if I had let one live long enough to meet him.

  “He loved you, Avery, spoke about you all the time.” Fool.

  “People like us don’t love, he needed me. There is a big difference. Love is a very dangerous thing that has no room in our lives, if you love something it has the ability to kill you, break you and change you.” He smiles at me as he sips the hot black coffee in his cup.

  “The old man loved you dearly, Avery and he used those words. You had the ability to hurt him so it must be love then.” I want to stab him with a fork for being right, because that sentiment hurts me. I didn’t love Callum, I respected and admired him, but love was never a part of it.

  “He told you about what I do then?” I wonder how many secrets Callum spilled, I really should kill him now.

  “You are the Hummingbird, an assassin, you are in charge of diamond and gem trade at O’Reilly International. And you are the world’s biggest bitch.” He drinks more coffee and I can’t help but admire him, the way his shirt hugs onto his chest showing off what I already know asunder it. “Oh and you murdered every single person you ever fucked bar one, but I understand you killed him recently too so that makes me the new exception to the rule.” He smiles like it’s a prize he won, that panty melting smile.

  “The day’s not over. I might still kill you.” I don’t like how accurate he is, I don’t like that I still don’t want to kill him. I hate how my mind is turning the image of him drinking coffee against me and making me remember what that mouth did to me. I’m staring at him, all of him and I like what I see more every minute, he knows who I am, yet he still sits here with me, is that because he is a killer too? He’s a stranger yet he sees me. I remember the way he trailed my knife down my naked skin, the way his mouth set my skin alight. Fuck me. He did something to me that disarmed me completely. I tense my muscles to try and stop the pulse between my thighs, there’s no denying the fact that my body wants him.

  “I will do it again if you want.” He snaps my mushy brain back to reality.

  “What?” I must have missed something he said.

  “Whatever it is you were just remembering as you eye-fucked me, I will do it again.” I choke on my coffee and it comes out my nose, I grab at the paper serviettes to try and clean it before it goes anywhere else I still can’t swallow what’s in my mouth.

  “You may not live this time.” I answer once the coffee shower is cleaned and I can swallow.

  “No one lives forever, Avery, the trick is to enjoy it while you do.” Enjoy it? I have never really enjoyed anything in my life. It’s a lie. Eiran, I enjoyed that afternoon, those few minutes of real feelings. Even the brutal reality of losing my virginity was over powered by the intense desire for human contact. I enjoyed the way he touched me. I enjoyed Mathew too, which leads me to think I might be falling into a dangerous trap yet again. I need touch, the feel of another person against my skin. I was deprived as a child. My father never hugged me, or held me and neither did Callum, now I crave that touch like a crack addict looking for a fix.

  “Where are you going?” I try to change the subject to get my mind to focus away from feeling. I need to find the girl that could switch it off, the one that I was before Eiran and again after him. The one that didn’t feel the inconsolable loss of losing Callum slowly over eight fucking years. I felt his death from the second he got ill and I still feel it now, the knowledge of his slow murder made me fear letting anyone close. If the love of his life could be that malicious then love can’t be worth it, he once told me he should have killed her the minute he saw her and I get that same feeling now as I look at the handsome doctor.

  “To work.” He puts his coffee cup down and looks at me with a shit eating grin on his face. “Want to come?”

  “Since we both know you are going nowhere.” God he’s good, good but dangerous and my mind says no and my body says yes and my heart says fuck it all to hell.

  “Where’s work?” I’m entertaining the idea. Someone drops a glass behind me I hear the pieces shattering all over the floor but I don’t turn to look.

  “Clarens, a little place where no one will have the faintest idea who you are.” It even sounds appealing.

  “Why would I go?” I have lost my ever-loving mind.

  “Why not? Have you got something better to do?” He has a point. He continues before I can answer. “You do know that they will look for you.” He waves his hand at the waiter for the bill. He has a very valid point. The slightly tired looking guy goes to print out our check. I open my mouth and ignore everything I have ever been taught.

  “Okay. Bum fuck nowhere it is.” He smiles like he just won the lotto and I know I’m making a stupid decision but while I’m on a roll, I may as well go with it, what is one more dumb choice at this point.

  “Leave that very obvious car here with the keys in it before you get seen.” Leave my car, is he nuts?

  “You can get a new one later.” My eyes must have given away the horror of it. He’s right, I’ll be noticed in the bright red sex on wheels.

  Mathew pays for the coffee, which irks me a little and I go to empty my car. I’m traveling light so it’s my bag of clothes and my work bag. I leave my keys in the ignition and walk away from my car and my life and straight towards a murdering doctor and his dog that has its head out of the car window. Just another reminder of the things I was never allowed. I stop for a minute and stare at just how normal he seems on the outside the whole package, dog and all. There’s a mountain bike on the back of his SUV, he’s leaning against the car next to it watching me. I still have no idea who he really is and to be honest I no longer care, everyone is hiding something and knowing the truth isn’t always the best thing. And I will still bet my life his name is not Mathew.

  “Let’s go.” He opens the passenger door for me, all gentleman like. I know you really aren’t that guy. “This is Jameson, he farts and barks,” he says slipping into the driver’s side and petting the dog that has its head stuck between us. I laugh and pet the do
g that just looks at me with weary eyes.

  “Hi, Jameson.” I watch my car and essentially my life in the rear view mirror. He’s giving me an out, but for the first time, I fear what this out will bring. My self-preservation and own brain scream that this is a horribly bad idea. The reason I choose to follow, the thrill. I start to think about it and panic, I look at the locked door and the dog and the fear starts to claw from my belly up my throat. I feel the sweat on my palms and the cold feverish feeling spreading over my body. I try to open the window and it won’t go at first. I see him unlock it and I open it all the way down letting the wind take my breath from me. Jameson dives on top of me from the back seat giving me a fright. He just wants to stick his head out like me. I let him sit on me and we breathe together, he is heavier than I imagined a dog to be.

  CLARENS IS BEAUTIFUL, like take your breath away beautiful, and old and quaint and really small. We’re staying on his patient’s property a small way outside of town, two small houses and nothing but acres and acres of open nothingness in front of us and a mountain looms behind us. It’s cold here and the winter has turned everything to shades of yellow and brown. The news predicted snow in the surrounding mountains so I know it’s only going to get worse. In my silly head, I got into his car and we were driving off into the sunset to be a happy couple somewhere but in truth it has been very different. He never said much on the thirteen hour drive to get here, only where we were staying and that he would be here six months to a year. Jameson was better company then Mathew. As we drove, the dog sat on me and comforted my inner demons trying to escape. When we arrived, Mathew went on with his new patient and left me alone in this little house isolated from the outside world and didn’t so much as open the car door for me. The cold indifference bothered me but I never said a word, he made no promises only asked if I wanted to go with him. I’m an idiot.

  Jameson and I walk every morning along the edge of where the mountain touches the small lake and in the shadows and freezing cold air, I begin to examine myself on the inside. Self-reflection is something I’ve never really done. Sitting on a rock looking at the open space, I remember another space one that was so small.

  “Your ransom will be very high.” Eiran’s voice taunted me as he sat in front of the chair I’d been taped to. “I can pay you the ransom money now if you let me go.” I spit answers back at him, because I know they want money and I doubt Callum will notice I’m gone never mind pay it. And my father is out of the country killing someone. I can take care of myself though. I have been taught that from the time I was born. “We will see you are a pretty girl aren’t you.” He leant down and kissed me, not like the cold peck on the cheek from Callum every morning. There was a fire in his kiss and it felt so warm and so good. His lips were on mine and I felt his tongue inside my mouth and I didn’t want him to stop. “Hmm.” He looked at me with eyes that told me how to win this fight and get out of here alive but I would have to give him a part of me.

  Jameson barking like a mad fool draws me back and the morning is becoming brighter around me. I see the mist begining to clear, the dog doesn’t like the wildlife and he is having a standoff with a duck of sorts. “Come, Jameson.” I call him as I jump off the rock and start the walk back to the small stone house. I have been here two weeks, I left my phone in my car so I have no idea what’s happening in the world I’ve run from and as lonely as this one is, it is still not the desolate hate and I had been living in for so long. When I get back, it’s one of the rare mornings where Mathew or Not Mathew as I call him, is now home, something in me snaps when I see him in the small kitchen with coffee in his hand and walk straight up to him. I came with him for a reason and to be ignored and walk the dog was not that reason. I step into his personal space and take his mug in my hand, I put it on the counter behind him, and there’s a smile on his face. His dark eyes are shining and he licks that lip. He shaved off his beard and his clean smooth face makes him look younger, less intimidating. He just stands there, so I get closer again, my body is against his and I kiss him, I need to feel something and he made me feel before. I don’t know how else to get the feeling I need so desperately to save myself from imploding. Mathew kisses me back, his hands pulling me closer still, our tongues touching and this time it is something more than before. His mouth on mine makes me want to cry, scream and kill him, but worse it makes me want more, more of him than just a kiss.

  He pulls me away by the hair and I struggle for air from the sharp pain. “I was waiting for that, what took so long?” He’s smiling like he’s relieved and yet there is a deep hunger in his eyes. I feel like I have found the thing that has always been missing from my life. For the first time since the day Callum returned to our lives I feel everything, sadness, fear, pain, and even if it is only from the dog I feel love. I feel wanted for me and not for the purpose I serve. “Why were you waiting?” I ask leaning against his chest.

  Time does not heal everything

  but acceptance will heal everything.

  I HAVE THIS UNSTOPPABLE need to save people, even when that means helping them die or saving them from themselves. Avery needs to be saved from herself, had I left and never seen her again it wouldn’t have bothered me as much, but I saw when they buried Callum. Something in me wouldn’t let me leave.When I saw her standing there, not shedding even a single tear, I knew what I’d already suspected that night was true. That girl was going to kill herself if no one saved her. The crowd of soulless, merciless monsters around her certainly were not going to. I didn’t interfere. Callum’s threat a few days before he passed was stuck in my head, I left just like I had planned to, well around a week later than planned. Jameson and I climbed into my car and drove off towards the Eastern Free State where my next patient was waiting on me, she is an old lady that lives on a large piece of land out there, no children, no family just her. Those are the saddest ones, the ones where literally no one cares if they live or die, the cancer usually takes them faster than those who have family to fight for. At least the dog will like it where we are going plenty of space to run around and animals to chase, the spaniel belonged to a patient and when the old pigeon hunting man passed on, I somehow got stuck with the dog. I don’t hunt so Jameson is now a bored lazy dog that gets into trouble often. At Beaufort West, I need to stop so both him and I can both take a piss and refuel.

  While I walk him on the small ‘pet’ lawn at the 1-stop service station, I see a familiar little red sports car buzz past us and scream to a halt in the parking area. I can’t stop my heart from skipping as Avery slips out of the car, she looks lost. Her long hair isn’t sleek and groomed. It’s loose and matted, her mascara is smudged and in place of patent heels, she has on simple flats. She looks so beautifully broken, she looks like I was meant to save her. I put Jameson back in the car, he isn’t allowed in the building because he is most certainly not a guide dog, he’s a menace. “Stay boy,” I say to the head sticking out of the open window searching for something to bark incessantly at and I go inside. My eyes scan the place for her, but I can’t see her and nature is calling in the worst way so I go to the men’s room as quickly as I can. Not a fan of public displays of penises, I slip into a stall and do my thing. Hoping she hasn’t left already, although she looked tired and in need of coffee. Exiting the stall, I get the view of her behind retreating from the men’s room, sneaky little minx. I get the feeling that no one has ever bothered to set rules for her and having no boundaries has made her weak. We all have to have a set of rules we live by but that girl is on the path to self-destruct because she has never had any. I walk a little faster to catch up to her, I’m drawn to her because she needs to be saved. I can save her, or at least I can try. Flashbacks of her pinned to my bed as I fucked her into submission, make me walk even faster. She’s running away and I’m going to make her run to me.

  She was so easily swayed, so unbelievably stupid and naive for someone so versed in being a criminal. She just left it all and came with me. I know that in her fractured mi
nd—where reality was so warped it didn’t exist—she was coming with me for the love story, the happy ever after that never ever comes. As much as I want to be with her again, it is not how this is going to work, she needs to find herself in there. I see her watching me each day, waiting for me to touch her, kiss her, come to her, but I don’t. I go to work and I come home, I sleep in the other room and I let her be. She walks a lot, Jameson the betrayer follows her everywhere, sleeps next to her bed at night and sits with her on the couch where she loses herself in books. I don’t want her to lose herself. I need her to find herself, she will come to me when she is ready to let go of the control. My new patient is a crabby old bitch. I’m almost in a hurry for her to be done with life because her bitter negativity is sucking my soul dry. Today she was particularly bitchy so I drugged her and came back to our little stone house on the hillside, it’s like a page from a picture book here. The winter colours and the golden sunlight that sets them alight as I walk back up the hill, the small house is surrounded by a wall of trees keeping it hidden. When I get inside, Avery is still out walking Jameson, so I make a cup of coffee and stand in the little kitchen contemplating her and how she’s changing. She’s becoming the young twenty-something woman she should be, but beneath it all she is still a killer. Her soul bleeds because she wants this but cannot let go of that, and I have no doubt that she will still need the murderer but she desperately needs to find the person too.