“Roll over, Avery, hands under the pillow.” There he is. I do as I am told although I wouldn’t mind having my ass smacked. I sense it isn’t what he needs. My knees are pushed up underneath me so my ass is up in the air, I turn my head to the side so I can see him in the mirror on the wall beside us, he slides off the bottom of the bed and steps out of his pants. I can only see his shadow from this angle, a shadow that shows me his hard cock and masculine shape perfectly. The dark outline on the wall reflected in the mirror as he stalks back onto the bed. Smack. His hand lands across my thighs that I have squeezed together in anticipation and the desperate need for relief. The tearing sound as my underwear is ripped at the side seams is amplified by the look on his face as he does it with malice. Mathew’s angry and hurting and I want to fix it, this is fixing it. Let him use your body to feel what he needs to feel. There is a distinct difference between feeling sex and watching it, as I watch him bury his face in my cunt, my body reacts but my mind is on the image I see. His tongue tortures me in the best way possible, fingers digging into the flesh of my hips as he holds them still so I can’t control the pressure. Mathew is in control. Our breathing is the only sound in the room. Heavy breaths hissing in and out. I suffocate my moans by biting my upper arm. I can see his hand wrapped around his cock as he strokes himself to the same rhythm of his tongue the visual makes my back arch and his grip tighten on my thigh, where I’m sure his fingers will leave marks. The skin has gone white around his fingers. I see it in the reflection of us as he lets go and I lose the feeling of his mouth against me. A whimper escapes as he drapes over my whole body, I feel his cock as it rests against my ass. “I’m not done yet,” he whispers over my back and I sigh in both desire and relief. “Stay still, Avery.” An instruction, a rule to follow. My body tenses to keep from moving and I feel the thudding in my chest, I’m waiting to fail and feel the punishment. I can never stay still. His hand slides down the side of my body, I watch it travel from my breast to my ass and he shifts to fit it between us. He touches me and I want to move but I try not to. “Still.” He reminds me. His fingers move the wetness from earlier up to my ass. He knows that is a no, the one thing I won’t do. He knows. My muscles are so tight they begin to ache and fear makes me shake, I cannot stop it. I want to yell out at him to stop, but I can see his face in the mirror and I know he won’t listen even if I do. “Please.” I let out one soft whimper as his finger slides in causing pain to ricochet through me. “Still, I need this. I need to take this from you, Avery. I need to cancel him out before we go back there.” He knows that Eiran hurt me, and that the fear of that agony rules me. “Avery, I’m going to fuck your ass tonight, how much it hurts is on you.” He wants to hurt me, I try to tell myself it is to fix me but this isn’t about me tonight. My grief and pain is forgotten in his need to know I would give up myself for him. I stop watching. I close my eyes and let silent tears snake out as I feel him moving his finger inside, the pain I fear is there but I wanes with each stroke. Mathew has told me about self-sacrifice and giving yourself over to helping other person is the thing that makes us human and I know that is what he is trying to tell me now. Put him first, give him your pain because he needs it. I have learned to be human it doesn’t take away the fear of my past though. Amazingly as I accept this and surrender the pain is forgotten—all of it. The pain of my father dying, the pain of losing Callum, the agony of killing Eiran and I don’t even feel my skin tear as he pushes into me. I don’t feel the blood curdling scream leaving my lungs. In my pain. I’m human. “Finally . . . my angel, you feel,” Mathew says as he rocks inside me, my eyes are open and I watch now. The furious movements of his body against mine, the way he is holding onto me keeping me still, taking what he needs not giving me what I need. The scars of my youth are finally healed, Mathew is sad because he fixed me. I know he’s getting ready to be done with me. It smothers my happiness and I feel like I am waiting for the world to end as we both orgasm. My body quakes below his as he comes inside my ass. The one place I asked him not to touch. The thing I gave to him anyway.
“Why did you need to fix me?” the words come out with my tears. Why? This hurts me. Everything fucking hurts now.
“Because I couldn’t save someone once. Now I need to save as many as I can to make it right.”
I feel his pain with my own as he cleans me, the warm cloth stings where he wipes me. I let a hiss out. He kisses me softly on the back and pulls me to lie against him. “I don’t want you to leave me.” The begging in my soul can be heard in my voice. “Not yet, angel. Go to sleep. I’m taking you home soon.”
If you truly loved yourself you could never hurt another.
THIRTEEN HOURS IN a car is long even when you’re not sad. Avery is sad so the drive is painful, her father is dead and she carries guilt and grief over it. But more than that she’s afraid. With every kilometre drawing us closer to home, her fear consumes more of her, she’s reverting to the girl who was so afraid to feel that she was hollow inside. It is too soon for her to go back, she only just set herself free. My time with her is almost up, I saved her from the end I knew she was going to find and set her on a new path. Now I have to let her go without hurting her too much. With every goodbye in life, we learn something, I have said many goodbyes—they always follow a hello. I knew that I would have to set her free or give her peace. When we are almost halfway through our journey she asks me quietly. “Who was the one you didn’t save?” Those two violently beautiful eyes look right inside me.
“My sister.” No one has asked me before, no one ever bothered to know my why.
“What happened?” She holds my hand over the gap between the seats.
“She had cancer . . . leukemia.” I look at the road and remember her bald head and sad eyes. “She begged me to kill her, she couldn’t take the pain any longer. I couldn’t do it. I let her suffer until she did it herself.” I let her down and I will never stop trying to make that feeling go away.
“I understand it now.” Avery looks away out the side window and I believe she really does. We stop at every single service station so Jameson can pee, I have come to accept he isn’t mine any longer. He is her dog, the traitor.
The wine estate she calls home comes into view in the early hours of the following morning, the birds are awake but the sky is still dark. She gets out and punches in a security code to open the giant iron gates that keep the world out. Instead of getting back in the car, she starts to walk up the gravel driveway and I follow slowly in the car, the headlights lighting her way. The big white gabled home is situated at the end of it, Avery uses keys that she has been swinging between her fingers for hours now to open the gate and door. I wait a minute, not sure yet if I’m welcomed to join her, when she turns around and looks at me, waiting. I get out and we enter the house together. Jameson is at her heels right away. The eerie silence of this whole place makes me feel like I’m trespassing on her life. She flips on lights as we go, the long passage ends in an open lounge and kitchen. Avery goes straight to the kitchen, fills the kettle and turns it on. She’s learned not to drink alcohol as a crutch so coffee is her go-to drink when she needs comfort now. I sit on a bar stool at the island leaving the space she has created between us. When the sun rises in a few hours, it will be the day of her father’s funeral and I know that she will need me close then, now she needs space. After coffee and retrieving our bags from the car we sleep for a few hours tangled in each other on the couch, there are beds but she didn’t seem to want to sleep in any of the rooms.
The heat of the sun baking us through the windows is what wakes me. I’m covered in sweat and stuck to the couch. My shirt is soaked where Avery has draped herself over me. Her dark hair is spread over her face, I push it aside so I can see her, I’m sure only a few people have had the pleasure of waking up with her. Seeing her, exposed vulnerable and absolutely beautiful. Being back here though I don’t know how long I can stay, Callum told me his plan before he died—it’s a stupid one. I cannot imagine anythin
g worse for the woman who has come alive with me over the past few months than being trapped in their world that way, I know Harmon won’t let it be. He’s going to try which means I’m in his way. I never planned on staying in her life and I still don’t, I just don’t want to hurt her beyond repair when I go. She is still fragile in her humanity and a small thing could shatter it all.
My fingers run through her hair, silky strands of almost black, the knots from the car and sleep snag in my fingers. I’m so hot lying here, I secretly want her to wake. I start being an ass by tickling her ear and her cheek with a piece of her hair, I have got to move it’s sweltering. At the very least, a window needs to be opened. She swats at my hand and starts to roll over a little, she opens just her blue eye and gives me the look. “You ass,” she mutters half asleep through a yawn.
“Morning, beautiful. Can I get up and open a window please, I’m dying in here.” I ask her nicely.
“Ugh. I’m sweated to you. All stuck, gross yes get up go and open a window.” She’s mortified as she shoves herself up freeing me and revealing a nice big sweaty patch on my shirt. Sometimes there’s nothing romantic about sleeping together, sometimes it’s just gross. I swing my legs over and stand up to get some air in here, opening the big sliding door to the patio outside. I take a step out into the late morning, the sun is hot and there is not a breath of wind. The vines don’t move, they’re stagnant in the humid heat of the valley. Pulling my sweaty shirt over my head and leaving it on the table, I go stand at the railing and let the sun shine on my skin. It’s there, I have to remind myself that this day is going to get sad in just a few hours. I look over my shoulder and Avery is walking towards me with coffee and a sorrowful smile on her face. I thought we had an hour or two. We stand in silence while we drink our coffee and sunshine in, this place is magnificent. I didn’t appreciate its beauty when I sneaked in before. This place is the foundation of her life, where she began and where she was destroyed.
“I’m going to shower and get changed.” She looks at me, and my heart is torn because I have one more thing she needs to face and it needs to be now.
“No. I’ll come we can have a bath.” Her face falls and I see the fear choking her already, she has not once since she came with me got in a bath, she has told me why and now it’s time to fix it. The last piece of the toxic love that crippled her is going to be removed and it will be today, now before we bury her past. I grab her hand in mine, her palm is sweaty and she’s shaking but trying very hard to hide it. I lead her down the passage to what I am sure was her father’s master suite, she freezes at the door and I have to yank her inside. His bed is stripped to the mattress and a blood stain is still visible on the exposed fabric. “Mathew, I can’t do this, let’s just go back to the mountain.” Oh sweet Avery. I cannot ever go back where I have been, that’s not how it works for an angel of death. “No, Avery, don’t make me angry. We’re doing this right now.” I’m firm with her, she needs this. She submits and follows me through the room to the master bath, a big stone bath sits in the very center of the room. Her fear comes to life, her monsters need to be exorcised and this tub is where we are going to do it. I’m going to make her forget why she hates a bath and make her remember it for only one thing—me. I turn on the water to fill it up and swing around to where she stands tears glisten at the corner of her eyes but she won’t let them fall. Her breaths are ragged and her fears are manifesting into panic as I stand right in front of her. Lifting her chin so she can look at me, I slowly start to undress her, each button exposes her, makes her vulnerable and even more attractive. Her body is a human contradiction, the one half dark art and images cover every bit of her and the other is the pure milky white unspoilt skin. I kiss along the line that divides her into who she is and what she is, we all have a line hers is just drawn on for me to see. I’m two very different halves sewn together with a delicate thread that seamlessly joins what I am and who I am into the quiet blessing of a peaceful end to those who desire it. Everyone has two faces, just look in the mirror you will see. “Get in the water, Angel.” I kiss her softly, giving her an instruction. Her eyes beg me to say she doesn’t have to, but I won’t. “Get in, Avery.” I leave the tap to run as she does what she is told, she doesn’t sit down just stands there in the water with her eyes down and her hands ball into fists. I remove my pants and step in with her. The water is a little too hot but I sit anyway, the burn as it turns my skin red is a reminder to me of how much this will hurt her. She’s shivering where she stands towering above me. “Come sit.” I move my legs so there is space for her between them. She turns around and sits with her back to me, curled over hugging her knees to her chest rocking back and forth. Pulling her towards me, the water makes little waves that flow back and forth for a while before they settle. I hold her as her fears seize the heart she has just learned to follow. I wait. I give her time before I take what I need and replace that fear, replace Eiran and drown the last of her torment. When I feel her body soften and the worst of her fears have left her, I know she is ready for me. Turning her around to face me, I look in her eyes. I see her defeat and now it’s time to change it back to fight. I kiss her as I slowly snake my hands around her delicate neck. It’s time she learned that rules are not meant to be followed blindly that the voice in her should still guide her. In a swift move, I force her away from me and under the water, her arms flail and nails scratch and rip at the skin on my arms her eyes are wide begging me from beneath the water to let her up for air. Not yet. I wait to see if she stops fighting, but she doesn’t. Her legs are now kicking out at me. There it is. All of her in one place at last, I let her go and she explodes out of the water still lashing out at me, I grab her wrists in my one hand and her face in the other. “Stop now, you have to know when to fight, when to follow your instinct and when to stop.” She’s sucking in air as she tries to stop the natural fight of being held below the water. “You can stop now, now we make this better.” Her mouth is on mine in seconds, our tongues fight her fear and anger in a furious war. She grabs my cock in her hand like a vice grip making me moan into her open mouth. Fuck. Shit. Damn. She’s fighting back, I can’t afford to lose a fight with her, not now. I grab her hand in mine and make eye contact so she knows that I still make the rules, for now. “Turn around, put your arms over the end of the tub on the floor.” I see the defiance right there in her eyes but she turns around on her knees and hangs her arms out of the bath, the water is just below the curve of her ass leaving it exposed to my hand. I smack it hard and she stiffens. “You want to defy me don’t you, Avery? You want to fight me?” I smack her again for not answering.
“Yes!” Her strangled reply comes in a hissing sound as I smack her again. “Fuck yes.”
“Why don’t you, little angel?” I rub the red flesh softly and kneel close behind her. “Why don’t you fight me?” I slide two fingers inside her and she bows her spine to let me, her thighs moving apart.
“Because I don’t need to fight you.” She learns so fast.
“That’s right, but sometimes you are going to have to fight.” I kiss up her spine and continue to fuck her with my fingers. I lift her so she is standing in the bath and her hands are flat on the floor outside it. Exposed, open and all mine, bending her so her belly rests on the stone side, she’s contorted into a position where she cannot move and I slide my cock inside her. It feels like heaven, she tenses as I push hard, her body slammed against the side. Water cascading onto the floor around her, I fuck her lithe body hard enough to leave bruises. Her pussy squeezes me hard as the pain brings her close to her release and all I want is to take this feeling with me forever, the feeling of her body becoming mine. I have to pull out because in my haste, I didn’t bring a condom to the bath, and Avery doesn’t need a baby, not mine and not Harmon’s. I need to sort that quickly. The thought enters my head, I need to protect her before I leave. The scream as she comes on my cock could shatter the mirrors on the walls, I pull out in time to come on the hand print I left on
her ass. She is mine, but only for now. I lift her back into the water and turn the tap on to warm it up. We lie in there for a short while just breathing, just understanding.
My Black Hole Heart (Colour #3) Page 10
