“Thank you,” she whispers after a while, I know I have done everything I set out to do and now I need to start setting her free. She has been saved from herself.
AFTER THE FUNERAL, we drink. She drinks the most I have seen in months, she clings to me as she lets the past go and realizes that her future is here now. The limbo is over. I see Harmon, watching us all day, I notice he doesn’t cry or even look sad. Harmon looks confused at the outpouring of love and emotion, the man is a hollow shell of humanity and she’s going to have to fight him on her own. Don’t trust him my little angel. It is not my job to tell her the things I know, but I will make sure she can fight fair. I had planned for this, I knew what he wanted from her and I came ready. After they all leave and she collapses on the bed in her childhood room, I get my bag and search out the vile I brought with me. I inject the sleeping queen with contraceptive. At least I know she is safe for four months, I will ask Owen to step in and help me when it wears off, because I’ll be long gone. The following day is spent wandering around the estate with her telling me about it, the boarded up restaurant that was her mother’s. Twenty-five years later, it’s falling apart and looks like a scene from a bad thriller, she sits on the little deck swinging her legs over the edge. Her sadness follows us all day, I’m glad she’s feeling this, it shows me she can actually deal with life now. “This is the spot where my Mom told Rowan she was pregnant, this place was her dreams come true.” The absence of her mother in her life was a huge part of the imbalance in her personality. Rowan never got over the heartache of her death and in turn couldn’t be free to love his child. Callum would share stories with me over the time I treated him and especially after he decided he was not going to fight any longer. I feel like I had a window into their lives through his eyes, I know just how isolated she was. She spends a lot of the day in silent reflection. I just stay close to her because that’s all she needs today. “Harmon asked me to go back to work.” She says as we walk down the gravel path to the graveyard. “And, do you want to go back to work?” She has to make her own choices now, I can guide her but she has to decide her path forward.
“I should, but I don’t know what I want anymore.” She reaches for my hand and the connection is warm and it feels right, us here, in this place together. “Callum always wanted me to be the one, then I read his letter and I felt like I have no choice. Add that to my mother’s letters telling me to choose my path and find what makes my heart sing and I think maybe I wasn’t meant to be like them.” She’s thinking with more than just her head at last, she’s considering her feelings and what she needs. I have no doubt that she will return to their world—who am I kidding—our world at some point. I just want her to do it on her terms and with a heart that isn’t made of stone.
We end our day on the patio with her mother’s wine and a simple dinner. I know I have to go, yet I’m clinging to the idea of staying just a little longer, I keep saying just a bit more. It’s wrong and it is giving her false hope in the love she has for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love all my patients and I have always seen her as that, a patient, a case. I love her deeply, but I never have been or will be in love with her. I was sent her for a reason and a season and both have passed, I have another job waiting for me far from here.
Mostly it is loss that teaches us about the worth of things.
WHEN YOU FEEL something for the first time, it’s amplified. The feelings are bigger and stronger that time than any time after that. Your first love, sadness, pain, your first real loss. My first loss was not just one thing, the magnified agony that was my first loss encompassed so much more. I lost my father, I lost Callum, I lost my mother, I lost Eiran and I lost Mathew all at once and I felt it down to my bones. I woke up three days after my father’s funeral with Jameson lying next to me and Not Mathew. I thought he got up to make coffee or go for a run, but if he was running, Jameson would have gone with him. Clambering out of bed I try and find something to put on my naked body, the aches of last nights sex reminding me I’m a human. The lazy dog doesn’t even move as I slip on an over-sized T-shirt and walk out of my room. The house is still closed up and dark and I can’t smell coffee or hear Mathew. I know it before I really know it, Mathew has gone, the season and reason have passed and he has left me. I always knew he wasn’t my forever, he told me that, but secretly I wished he could be.
The days that passed after he left seemed to go by in slow motion, dragging me down into the pits of despair and holding my head below water so that I was drowning in my own heartache. He didn’t just leave and say nothing, no, Mathew, or Not Mathew was a good man and he left me a letter.
Avery
My beautiful little angel, I’m not abandoning or leaving you, please don’t be hurt by my departure. The time has come for you to live and I mean really truly live your life, whatever that life is meant to be. You are strong and you know the true power of your own heart, you know how and when to fight if you need to. Follow that feeling that is in you. Be human, be selfless and never be afraid to feel the consequences of your actions. As long as we are together, we will suffer and you deserve so much more than the suffering that being attached to me would cause. I know that being a killer is in your blood as being a healer is in mine, just remember that what you do affects others as well as you.
Colours fade, even black and white fade into shadows but they can still be seen, you have left a permanent shadow in my world.
I want you to do one thing for me, please with all my heart I ask that you go and read Callum’s will. It’s important, Avery. Be wary of Harmon and guard that fragile heart, it only just learned to beat.
Jameson is yours, he stopped being mine the day you got into my car, the dog loves you and you him. Keep him. Love him. Remember me when you are with him, because I’m never not with you. If you ever feel alone and that you need someone to talk to my friend Owen knows I have left and he will always be there, his number is saved in your phone. He’s a notorious dick as a boyfriend so don’t go there, but he is good man and friend that can be trusted. Please don’t kill him, I like him.
Our season and reason have passed, but let our lessons not be forgotten. I love you enough to let you go.
Yours
My name was never Mathew
Xxx
I returned to work a week later with one thing in mind, I wanted to know what Harmon had to do to keep his half and how I could give him mine. I don’t want any part of the family business any longer. I’m going to make wine and walk my dog. The circumstances of my father’s death still haunt me, how did Baldini find him and how long before they come for me? I, after all have the Baldini fortune, O’Reilly technically bought their companies when I was six and the money was put into a trust for me until my recent running away, I’d never touched it, nor do I care to do it again. That money is stained in my mother’s blood and I want nothing to do with it.
It is so easy to slip back into old ways, I slipped right back in where I left off as if nothing had changed at all. I had some things I wanted to change though, getting them past Harmon who seems to be enjoying his new found power has been tricky. He is like a clone of Callum just younger, driven and hungry for power and control. I sit at my desk tapping my nails and reading shipping reports when the door opens and Sam bursts in. “You’re back.” I roll my eyes at his enthusiasm, he really is painful, that hasn’t changed at all. “Hi, Sam.” I don’t look up from my screen.
“Would you like to join Sam and I for lunch, Avery?” I glare up at Harmon standing over me and my desk.
“No, not really. That vegan shit does nothing for me thanks.” I snarl, since when does Sam ‘do lunch’ unless Harmon is gay, but given the way he looks at my ass that’s not the team he plays for.
“Avery, come for lunch. I don’t eat that shit either. He can get a fucking salad wherever we go.” I don’t want, but I don’t need to fight now. So I just go.
“Fine. I’ll follow you. I’m not driving in Sam’s car.” I stand up and grab the k
eys for my Dad’s car out of my drawer.
“Neither am I, you can ride with me,” Harmon says and I know that tone, he is telling me not asking me. Fight.
“No thank you I can drive myself, where are we going?”
“Waterfront,” Sam chimes in from near the door.
“Fine let’s go.” The fresh air out of the office might do me good and clear the filthy mood that is brewing. I take the stairs to avoid being stuck in the lift with the two of them. I think I’m secretly jealous that Sam and Harmon are friends, if you can call them that. The heavy door into the garages squeaks as I push it open, they are both waiting there for me, fuck it. “Can I drive with you?” Sam asks this time, NO. “Sure Sam.” I push the button to unlock the car and ignore Harmon. I can’t be asked to have them both in a car with me. I lift myself into the big SUV and start it. I see Harmon shaking his head as he gets into his Mercedes. God, he’s just like Callum, they even like the same cars.
Lunch was painful, all they talked about was work. I wanted to get up and leave before we even got our drinks. After our mediocre meal, Harmon looks at me I see a smirk on his face as he asks.
“How’s Mathew doing?” I want to burst into tears and leave, but I don’t.
“Mathew is gone, Harmon, but I’m sure the idiots you have following me, told you that already.” I had a good shadow for years and I knew he was there, Harmon’s goons were so easy to spot. His and the Italians, though I’m pretty sure they are just following to keep tabs now that Callum isn’t here they don’t trust women in power. Sam looks confused at the standoff happening in front of him. I have been watching him too, only my shadows are a little better versed at keeping themselves out of sight.
“I don’t know what you think they are going to see or tell you, but they are not very good. Also, there is nothing to see.” He sips on his drink and stares at me with a look of shock on his face as if he cannot possibly believe I have caught him out.
“Who’s Mathew?” Sam the annoyance chimes in again.
“His name is not Mathew and he saved me Sam. That’s all you, or anyone needs to know.” I glare at him the threat doesn’t need to be spoken Sam has known me for years.
“So when he locked you in a cupboard for two days that was saving you?” Harmon digs his claws into an open wound. Fight.
“You should try it sometime, life would be so peaceful with you in a closet. I’d throw the fucking key away.” He doesn’t know what I am capable of and he should stop.
“Avery, you let a man lock you in a closet?” Sam again. I feel attacked.
“Sam, fuck off.” I snap grabbing my keys and getting up. This was a shitty lunch.
“But I came with you,” he yells after me as I storm off and I flip him the bird over my shoulder. No one will ever understand what Mathew did for me least of all those two idiots.
The darkest night is ignorance.
AVERY PASSES IN AND out of the office as she pleases, no one has the balls to call her out and I’m desperately trying to be the nice guy. I have less than eighteen months to get her in line and make this work. I need to change my tactics and woo her or something, but nothing seems to interest her except the farm and the doctor’s dog. I have the fucking Italians breathing down my neck. Every move I make, they counter and we are losing business all over the place. Things are not going to plan and it is driving me crazy, this was supposed to be easy. Getting woman into bed is not hard, I look like their walking wet dreams. Yet Avery treats me like I have the bubonic plague, I think she is angry that Callum left half the business to me. What the hell is wrong with her?
“You have an invite to an event with the president, addressed to yourself and Avery. You have six calls from Baldini and one from Sam.” The airhead that answers my phones chatters on next to me going over schedules, meetings, messages and shit I have no interest in at all. But that invitation catches my eye, Avery would have to spend the night with me being civil, this could be exactly what we need. I look at it the gold embossed letters and expensive stationary reek of government overspending, this idiot has now been in power so long it’s sick, he became the Robert Mugabe of South Africa by changing laws so no one could vote him out in the most dictated democracy ever. Where do I benefit? He’s corrupt and easy to manipulate. He wants something from me, if we are getting an invite, there is always something they need. I am going to step up my plan and this is my chance to get what I need a little more directly.
My mind cannot focus on anything and I feel the urge to travel biting but I don’t want to let her out of my sights for too long I need a distraction because focusing on only one thing is giving me blue balls and a headache.
“What do you want to do first, sir?” She’s still there.
“You,” I growl.
“Took you long enough to ask, your brother couldn’t even get it up and he tried.” She bats her fake lashes at me, I need to fuck something before I go crazy and she is here.
“Close the blinds.” It’s after eleven the chances of Avery showing up are nil at this point. I push my chair back and lose my belt buckle as she walks back to my desk, she is a bit thick around the middle. Her hair is blonde and mousy, not my usual taste but I will take what I can get today, maybe I will be able to focus on work after this. She stands in front of me looking like the cat that got the canary. “Lose your knickers and hike that skirt up, leave your shoes on.” She follows instructions well, I guess it comes naturally when that’s all you do in the day. “Get on your knees and use those fake lips to get my cock hard.”
Like a good little lap dog she does as she is told, her dick sucking skills could use work but I haven’t had a good fuck in months so it doesn’t take much to get me ready to go. I pull her up by her hair sprayed ponytail and pull her onto my lap. She makes a move to kiss me. I grip her by the neck and speak slowly so she understands. “That whorish mouth is not going near my lips, get on and fuck me before I lose interest.” She lowers herself onto my cock and I instantly feel the relief I’ve been craving. There’s something carnal about sex, it is a need in all of us and when it is denied we become twisted and distorted. The stupid woman bounces up and down on my cock, I remind myself this is just release and try to remove myself from the slutty noises she makes and imagine the sounds Avery would make instead. I wish I could kiss her and touch her, but she is a filler, a place holder because since my brother shared his warped plan with me my mind cannot accept anyone but Avery into it. I crumple a financial report of my desk and stick it in her mouth making her eyes bulge, but the noise is distracting me. Grabbing her hips, I force her to move faster and harder, I need this to be over. Her boobs are in my face even though her top is still on, it’s so revealing I can see the whole show. I focus on them and not her face. She isn’t enjoying this the deer in headlights eyes give it away. “Fuck me like you want to.” I hiss at her because she is not putting any effort into this. Her body moves with renewed energy and I can feel myself getting close. Shoving her hard to the floor again I pull the paper out of her mouth and she gasps a breath before I ram my cock in her dry mouth, two thrusts and come down her throat and she gags as I hold her head still with me half way down her esophagus. When I look up from her mascara stained face, I am met with another—Avery. The disgust is blatant as she shakes her head stepping over the whores undies on the floor to get to her desk.
“Don’t let me stop you,” she says an angry smile on her face as she sits at her desk, the idiot on her knees is frozen in terror before me and I lift her chin so she has to look at me.
“Good girl, now get the fuck out.” I growl my voice low. This has set me back again, why can I not get it right with her? Why wasn’t she attracted to me?
As the door closes behind the mortified girl, I greet Avery.
“Morning, I mean afternoon, Avery, it is almost afternoon, so nice of you to actually come to work today.”
“Fuck off, Harmon. You’re not my boss.” She snaps at me. I need to be nice to her, maybe if I trie
d to be nicer. I cannot help the deep hatred in me though, this is the girl that has lived the life that always should have been mine. It’s not fair, if I didn’t need her so fucking much I would be focused on revenge, but being with me will be revenge enough. The phone buzzes and I see that Italian vultures number so I click ignore.
“We have an invitation to a government gala evening, I think we should attend, its important.” I try sounding nice, I try so hard.
“Fine, get your fuck-toy to put it in my calendar.” No resistance, no fight just yes. Maybe nice is the answer. She’s distracted by something I can see it, she is focused so deeply on the screen in front of her.
“Does it, I mean she, bother you?” I cannot help myself. She stands up so she is looking right at me.
“I shared an office with Callum since I was fifteen, your brother fucked every single assistant he had at that desk and he didn’t care if is I saw it or not, so no it doesn’t bother me in the least, Harmon. I am used to it. I will say, next time, use a condom because that whore has fucked almost every manager from the first floor up, you might get something nasty.” The sneer on her face tells me she is enjoying this little moment of cattiness, maybe she’s a little jealous after all. She is jealous, that must be it. She is jealous because I haven’t flirted with her.
“As long as we are good, we do have a company to run together.” I get the death glare before she walks back out of the office.
“Fuuuuuuuuck” I yell aloud into the empty room. I hate her.
The phone is going again, that man is relentless.
What doesn’t kill me,
might make me kill you.
THE FOUL DISPLAY OF public fucking in my office churned my stomach more than I will ever admit to that man. He’s invading every aspect of my life and I feel a festering hate and a need to murder someone creeping back in. I try to remember that there would be consequence I even try to find one but I can’t. He’s like a wart on my happiness and I need to find out what he wants from me and get rid of him. For good. He tries so hard to be nice to me, I see that underlying malice. He needs me for something and I’m not going to give him anything—ever. I have no idea what Callum was thinking bringing him here, but I don’t actually care at all. I leave the office and his smug face to go and oversee a shipment of explosives and munitions that is being sent to North Africa, war is such a lucrative business. This container is the exact reason our President is buttering us up, these under the table deals are all politically fuelled and if we are on his side we are not against him. The foolish man thinks we are loyal—loyalty is for family and no one else. I am loyal to no one, but I favour those with the finance and influence to benefit me.
My Black Hole Heart (Colour #3) Page 11
