I can’t push the dull ache of missing Mathew away, it still hurts. I miss him, I miss the rules and the loneliness cuts me deeper every single night that I lie there staring at the ceiling wishing for him to come back. I have even gone into my Dad’s things and started going through his work load, I think I might be better suited to that family business than this one. Tonight, I’m going to make my first kill since Eiran and I feel the adrenaline already, I need to be who I am, and that’s a killer. The very idea of blood has me more excited than it should, I always believed I was not a killer at heart, but that my father loved to make me do it. It is in my veins, my very essence is murder, and he was right, walking away is never an option. I was born into this world, I will exit it and pay the price for what I do. I’m a murderer, but I have something my family didn’t give me. Rules. I will not kill just anyone. I have a heart and I intend to look after it.
Standing in the wind watching the container being packed, I start to roll through the files for tonight’s kill. This one caught my eye, the images made me feel and if I am going to kill I will feel it. A father, an abuser, selling his babies on the internet, a rapist. His wife has caught him and doesn’t want to wait for justice that may not come, she’s buying justice. My knife will judge him very harshly.
“We are ready to close it up, boss lady?” One of the loaders yells over to me. I nod and the container doors swing closed. I lock them myself and place numbered bullet seals through the latches.
“Get it to the stacks, here are the papers.” I hand the forged documents to the truck driver’s assistant and send them on their way.
I don’t do back to the office, I just email Harmon the details of the shipment from my phone, I can’t be asked to see him twice in one day. The images from this morning still have my stomach turning. I’m still using my father’s car since I left mine to be stolen and I have no desire to shop for a new one. His work kit is still in the back even though he hardly killed anyone the last few years. I have double and triple checked it and added my knives to it. The cleaning team knows that they are on call tonight and I need this.
I drive to the beach nearest to where my target lives to wait for the cover of darkness. I park my car and sit on the bonnet to watch the sun go down over the ocean in front of me. My hair blows around my neck in the wind and I can smell the salt in the air, I close my eyes and breathe it in. I wish for it to be the mountain air and that I was back in Clarens with Mathew. My heart misses him so much. I can see his face in my dreams, feel my fingers in his hair and I can always smell him even though he is gone. Memories are interrupted by my phone ringing and I have the urge to hurl it into the ocean in front of me, but I hang onto it just in case Mathew wants to find me again. I hope. I know it’s futile but I do.
The call is from Solly the man I have tasked with finding Harm’s motives, I need to see his contract with Callum. Also they keep an eye on what he is up to. I don’t trust the idiot at all.
“Talk to me,” I answer the man in the hope he has news for me.
“I will have a copy of the amendment to you tonight.” Oh he is good.
“How did you get it?” I dare asking.
“He seems to have upset one of the girls in the office today, I asked them before, but they were all mute. This afternoon she sent me a message to collect it after hours from her home for a fee.” I laugh out loud, he really must be a shit lay. It can only be the whore from this morning.
“Pay her and tell her I will oversee her transfer to another department so she can be far from Harmon.” I give him instructions.
“I was just going to kill her, boss?” So honest and efficient.
“Fine, it’s cheaper, but I need clean up tonight too.” I admire his work ethic.
“I will factor that in to my plans.” He hangs up, not one for small talk, but I trust him, he has been on my father’s payroll for years so he is loyal to me and not O’Reilly International. He’s one of mine.
I’m in a hurry to get this done now so I can go home and read all about what it is Harmon is really doing here. I drive with the setting sun beside me up the coast to the affluent area where I will find daddy of the year. The surge of emotion is new to me and it’s making this so much better than I ever had expected it to be. I know the man is home alone, I have the alarm codes and getting in and out is easy.
I’m in the house in no time at all, I can see him but he can’t see me. He sits at his computer watching kiddie porn and drinking from a cheap brandy bottle. He is big and physically subduing him will be a challenge but I’m prepared. He gets up to take a piss, I notice he has no bottoms on, just the T-shirt. How disgusting. While he empties his bladder, I pour a little mixer in his drink and go into the next room to prepare for his departure from this life. I can feel the minutes counting down every time I hear the bottle bang back down on the table soon he will be ready for me. I wait just a few more minutes.
“Excuse me?” I call from behind him and he falls off the chair turning around to see me. I go stand over his body, cocking my head so I can look into his eyes I shake my head.
“Who are you?” he sputters out the words slurred and forced, the drugs claiming him.
“The Hummingbird.” He looks confused.
“Hmm.” He tries to lift himself off the floor and I take the moment to show him my knife. I slice off his exposed dick in a swift movement and drop it on the floor beside him. His screams are garbled and he tries to escape, worming around in his own blood.
“You shouldn’t have used that on your kids,” I say, my foot now on his forehead. The pool of blood is magnificent, I watch it getting bigger as he gets weaker and weaker. The crimson victory is painting a beautiful picture on the floor his hands are grabbing at his bloodied crotch and just before he passes out and can’t feel anything anymore. I stand over his sick, sad pathetic body and slice his throat from one side to the other. No one has the ability to fuck us up quite like our parents and I feel like this is my way of fixing things. I wipe my knife clean on his T-shirt and go back into his spare room to pack my things and text the cleaners.
Crocodile farm. Male 100kg plus. I made a mess, sorry boys.
A few years ago my father bought the croc farm near the estate, it was a failing tourist attraction and the trade in skins and meat was lucrative so it was a good buy and a very convenient way to dispose of people. I get in the car and drive off into the night. No one’s going to be sorry he’s gone and that makes me feel good about it. I dial Mathew from the car. I know he won’t answer, if he even still has that number but I leave a voice message.
“Hi, it’s me. I did something tonight . . . I killed a man. I did it to save his children before it was too late for them. I miss you. I need the rules. You love me, I know you do. Come back. Please come back.”
I hang up before he can hear my tears. I cry all the way home.
SOLLY IS WAITING FOR me in the driveway just outside the main gate to the estate, I stop next to his car and wind my window down. He hands me a memory stick and shakes his head. “She dead?” I ask just to make sure I don’t need to call HR in the morning.
“Going to the crocs with your guy as we speak.” He starts his car. “Avery, you need to deal with that.” He points to the stick in my hand. “And fast.” He sounds concerned and I feel the thick lead weight of dread as I swallow and nod.
“I’ll handle it.” I close my window and we drive on in opposite directions. I’m anxious to see what’s on the drive but I need to wash the blood and the filth of the day off of me first. Once the car is in the garage and I have left my bags and bloodied clothing in the office, I run myself a bath. Now the memories of the tub are bittersweet and as I submerge myself completely under the water. I remember Mathew and what he taught me, I feel that the need to fight is about to become over powering. I sit up breaking the surface and breathing in, I miss him and that emptiness alone suffocates me some days, but it also drives me to live so I can find that feeling again. I dry off and slip in
to a tank top and yoga pants before I settle in front of my laptop, mine is secure and separate from O’Reilly International network. I plug in the usb and wait for it to open. I’m not a lawyer and the legal jargon is confusing but I get the jist of it and the more I read. I feel the bile coming up my throat, I gag and try to keep the sickness from escaping but I can’t. How could Callum do this to me? Why would he do it? My fragile heart breaks as the betrayal sinks in and I digest the truth. I was just a way for him to get the one thing he needed but couldn’t do himself. I feel hatred boiling up inside me, I feel it in every crevice of my soul. I know in all of this Mathew knew about this secret, he didn’t tell me and that slaughters any bit of humanity I had. I learned from him that I need to fight, I don’t need anything else. I will not give birth to another generation, I have said since I killed for the first time that this would all end with me—I am the last black hole heart. There will be no more. I need a lawyer to translate all this shit, and I need Amya to see it too, because she’s getting this company and I know she won’t want it.
There is almost no one I can trust, but Mathew said I could trust Owen, I just don’t know now if I believe it, because he lied to me by leaving. His departure was a lie, he knew about this somehow, Callum must have told him. Callum lied to me and my father my whole life. I’m pretty sure this was his plan from the day he came home. He wanted to steal me to give him the heir that his poisonous wife wouldn’t. Well I learned something from your story Callum, Shannon was right. I feel as if my whole life was a violation, I know my father didn’t know about this because he was too busy being sad to notice his friend stealing his child. Callum manipulated us both, he was a living lie.
Anger’s venom courses through me as I send a message to the number labeled Owen.
I need you, as a doctor. Mat said I could trust you.
I attach the location of the estate to my message and hope he comes or at least answers me.
It’s 11pm do you want me to come now?
Yes I want you to come now.
On my way. Are you okay do I need to bring something with me?
Contraceptives, and an open mind.
He doesn’t respond and I sit and wait for him to arrive. The anger turns to anxiety as I start to contemplate what lengths Harmon might go to. I won’t let him rape me, inseminate me or put a baby in me by any means. I plan to kill him, but I need that deadline to expire first because if I read the legal shit right, if he dies before then the whole company goes to Amya and I would rather save her from this shit. I will call her tomorrow and discuss this shitstorm of a clusterfuck that’s exploding around me. I dial Mathew again as I wait for Owen. I’m so angry with him now. Seething mad I growl into the phone.
“You knew all along what Callum had planned, you let me come home and walk into this. He could have raped me, kidnapped me, done anything to get what he wants and it would have been on you because you could have TOLD ME. You are like everyone in my life. I should have killed you the night I met you.”
My angry words are yelled into the abyss of his voicemail as I cut the call and collapse on the floor and weep, I let myself love him and fuck me it hurts. Love will wound you far worse than any knife or gun in this world. I long for the ability to shut these feelings away in the vault of cold ignorance. I just want to stop hurting, this love in me is agonising.
An hour later, Owen rings the bell at the gate and I press the button to open it for him, his car tyres crunch the gravel driveway as I unlock the front door. He grabs a small black backpack off the backseat and walks towards the house, he looks rough like I woke him, who am I kidding, I woke him.
“Hi,” he says with a sheepish look of guilt on his face. I suspect he knows at least part of this story already. He has what looks like bedhead and looks like morning after sex and before coffee.
“Get inside, there are people watching me all the time.” I know they will be out there letting Harmon know that I had a visitor in the night.
He steps past me and I lock the gate and door again.
“I can’t be here long, I have patient in labor so I have to get back.” I didn’t wake him, he was working. I almost feel guilty, but I don’t really because I need to protect myself from this contract.
“I don’t need you for long, I need contraception and to know some things.” I usher him into the lounge area. “Coffee?” I ask him because I need some even if he doesn’t.
“Yes please, black no sugar.” Is there any other way to drink coffee?
“So, do you know his real name, Mathew that is?” I ask as I turn the coffee machine on and push the button to make two cups.
“Yes, we have been friends since junior school.” He shakes his head and slumps his shoulders as he answers me.
“Look Avery, he came back here for Callum’s case and it was awesome to see him after years, I know what he does and I accept and understand it. He can’t plant roots. What he does is against the law and he will never stop. He’s gone and I have no idea who you are and why he has this need to keep you safe so I’m just going to say this right now. I will not tell you who he is, I’m not giving you his name or where he went.” I’m instantly irritated by him.
“I wasn’t asking you to. I just needed to know that you also knew.” I hand him coffee and sit opposite him.
“I need a contraceptive and I want a years supply of the morning after pill as the backup plan,” I tell him.
“You don’t need a contraceptive for another month, Mathew gave you a shot before he left it is good for three months. I can arrange the others for you.” He still doesn’t look me in the eye.
“He did what?” I’m confused.
“Fuck it all to hell, I might as well tell you what I know.” He puts his cup down. “You obviously know some of it already.”
“You better start talking before I start doing what I do best.” I threaten him and put my gun down next to my cup. His eyes bulge and I can see his hand shake with fear, I like that he’s afraid of me and can’t help but smile.
“Mathew knew about this whole business of you having to get pregnant, he wanted to try and keep you safe, he was even going to stay, but the guy who’s supposed to knock you up, tipped the cops off about him. He threatened him and you. He had to disappear. He told me the bits he knew and asked that if you needed help I help you and to break in here next month and inject you again.” I’m sorry Owen has been dragged into this mess, but I do need him.
“He was going to stay?” That part stood out more than anything else.
“Yes, he said he felt like he found home.” Owen sips his coffee his eyes on the gun and not me. I reach for it and he jumps a little as I get up and put it in the drawer. “He said that cops would bring attention to you, look I have no idea what it is you do but he seemed to think that it was better to just go.” I sit again and contemplate the man in front of me, he isn’t from our world, he’s a good man, a bit of an asshole but a good man. He knows nothing about me, or people like me.
“You were going to break in here for him?” I raise an eyebrow and wonder how they ever thought that would work.
“I would have done anything for him. I owe him.” I hear the sadness in his voice and I realise something despite the lies or truths.
“I owe him too.” We finish our coffee in almost silence. I watch him and I see something I missed the first time we met it was hidden behind the ego. Owen carries a deep hurt in his eyes.
“Who ripped your heart out?” I sit back relaxed in his presence now.
“Love did, she’s such a bitch.” She—I laugh a little.
“That she is. My uncle taught me that if you love something you should kill it before it kills you. I’m beginning to see the truth in his words more every day.” He looks genuinely shocked at my statement. I shake my head, he is not cut from the same bloodied rag as I am.
“Thank you for coming, Owen.” I’m genuinely grateful, because I know more now. I know I’m going to kill Harmon O’Reilly and I’ll lov
e doing it.
“I will have your pills tomorrow, we can have lunch if you would like to get them from me?” I would have liked that but I cannot have Harmon knowing that I know what’s going on and seeing an OBGYN would tip him off.
“I’ll send a courier. Like I said, I’m watched all the time. I need to protect myself. Owen, tell him I understand.” He smiles and shakes his head as he stands in the doorway of my home. I do understand it in a way. I feel less abandoned and more loved than I ever have in all my life. He left to protect me, he.
“Bye, Avery.” He just puts a hand on my shoulder as he walks past me to his car.
Ignorance is a voluntary misfortune.
AVERY HAS BEEN LESS hostile and I think being nice has started to pay off. I cannot rely on this happening naturally any longer and I have made a donation into a little white cup and have a plan to help the process along after the presidential event. I’m sure if I get her a little drunk and I can get physically close to her, I can convince her that we went to bed together. I may even go to bed with her if the doctor says it won’t affect the results of the procedure. I had no idea the female body was quite that complicated. I have even had guys checking her trash so we could learn her cycle and that date is perfect for making a baby. Women are disgusting when you down to the biology of it.
My Black Hole Heart (Colour #3) Page 12
