My Black Hole Heart (Colour #3)

by A. Giannoccaro

  My legs carry me down the passage to the bed where we slept and he died, the place where my heart felt full and I had found home. To her, and the shattered remains of my love. Her back is to me and she’s still staring out of the window to where I was watching, the knife dangles at her side in a lose grip while it drips blood to a small pool on the floor. Even in that state she is a sight to behold, even in her depraved honest darkness she is stunning.

  “What have you done, Avery?” I whisper as my eyes are met with the carnage on the bed. Blood and body parts are blended into a red blur there is very little left of him at all.

  “What I was born to do.” She hangs her head and answers me with little conviction. I believe her.

  “Why, my angel? Why?” I try to take in the scene inside the room but my mind doesn’t want to accept it.

  “Just go, Mathew. I already know you are going to leave, you told me from the very beginning that you were not in my life to stay. No one is meant to stay in my life, I can only lose what I cling to right. Well I’m letting you go so I can’t lose you. Just fucking go, Mathew! I need to get this cleaned.” When she turns to face me and I see her red teary eyes I want to go to her, but I stand still frozen by the truth. “Leave!” she screams now, moving towards me, she is tightening her grip on that knife and without thinking I run.

  Fight or flight. I flew. I flew away from the black hole before I was gone forever. I am honouring my promise to Baldini and treating his son, but I want nothing else from these people or the parallel universe in which they exist. I want to forget I ever answered Callum’s emails and that I hadn’t been brought to them at all. I don’t regret loving Avery but I want to forget the pain that it caused me. I was warned, more than once that she would kill me, while my heart still beats and my lungs still fill with air she succeeded. I’m dead inside.

  The world is filled with death and decay. But the wise do not grieve,

  having realised the nature of the world.

  HARMON IS DEAD.

  Mathew is gone.

  I’m alone. Again.

  As his blood dries on my skin turning sticky and thick, I’m still frozen, standing in the hell I created. The scarlet masterpiece painted around me is a reminder of what I truly am. I have embraced the darkness inside, let it come out to play in the light and the freedom is exhilarating. I said I had two faces, well I am choosing to wear this one. Walking into the small guest bathroom across the passage to shower the remnants of Harmon off of myself, I feel a tranquility in me that has been missing since I was four. The last time I felt this way was before I saw the photos of Renzo Baldini’s dead body on my mother’s grave, before I knew I was meant to kill. I was just a little girl with pig tails and funny eyes. Before Callum. The quiet truth of my life settles into me as I wash the matted bits of my hair and clean my skin. Scrubbing my fingers until they are raw to make sure there is no evidence. Dressing myself as if I’m going to work like any other day, I pin my hair up and put my make up on. Harmon’s remains are reflected in the mirror behind me making me smile as I slide my lipstick on. I wipe my front teeth to make sure there are no red smudges and I pick up my phone from next to the bed, I have some calls to make.

  Dialing the men that my father used for his cleanups, not the O’Reilly crew, as I walk down the hall to go and get another coffee from the machine in the kitchen.

  “Hello, it’s Avery,” I say as the line picks up.

  “Address, body count and special instructions ma’am?” The husky voice asks me like this was nothing out of the ordinary at all.

  “My home, one and feed him to the crocodiles. You will need to dispose of the bed, bedroom furniture and wood flooring too. Sorry I have made an awful mess.” I apologise when I am not even a little sorry.

  “Yes, ma’am. It’s good to have you back on our team if I may say so.” The friendly tone of his voice makes this all feel so perfectly right.

  “Thank you. We can meet tomorrow and discuss the future but today I have other messes to clean up myself.”

  “Good day, ma’am, leave it with us.” The line goes dead and I make the next call, one I know will be a little harder to navigate. I need a death certificate for that idiot so that the company can be tied up and handed off to Amya and Baldini. My friend the chief of police will give it to me, but it’s going to cost me a lot. His phone rings for ages before he answers.

  “Hello, Avery, to what do I owe the honour of a personal call?” Thuli answers the call with way too much energy.

  “Thuli, always so full of it. I need a death certificate, a no questions asked, there is no body, just a death certificate my friend. Can you make that happen for me?” He is silent for a second or two.

  “Hmm, it depends is anyone going to miss this body that doesn’t exist?” He doesn’t want any backlash, typical government employee.

  “No one but me, just tell me how much it will cost and I will transfer the funds Thuli. We both know you can.” I don’t really have time to sit here and bargain with the man.

  “Fine, but I want a hundred grand. Send me the details. Avery, how come this one needs a note? The others they just go away. Why’s he different?” Nosy bastard.

  “Because he’s Harmon O’Reilly. That’s why.” I clarify the situation for him, we pay this man a shit ton of money to stay stupid, he had best keep it up or he’ll be the next one needing a death certificate.

  “Eish, you don’t play nice with others do you?” The way his sounds whistle through his teeth makes my skin crawl.

  “Bye, Thuli, just get it done and I will send you the money.” There is no one in this country that is incorruptible, they all have a price and O’Reilly International has been paying most of them for years. I grab my travel mug and keys before looking around for Jameson. I walk outside and call for him. “Jameson, come boy lets go.” He loves a car ride and if king dick isn’t at work, I’m taking my dog with me. I don’t want him here while they are busy cleaning up, he scrambles back up the hill through the open gate that Mathew must have left through. My heart sinks a little but I know making him leave was right, saving him from me was the best thing I could do for him and the hardest thing I could do for me. He wouldn’t be able to love me past what he witnessed and I know now without a doubt that I am looking for love, untainted love. A love that won’t ask where I’ve come from and what I have done, a love that wouldn’t care if they knew. Mathew cares, he feels things so deeply and watching me this morning has wounded his soul in way I know will never heal right. I slide into the seat of the Mercedes I bought to replace the Jag. It’s sleek, silver and inconspicuous but fast as all hell. Callum may have been right about cars all along, but I wouldn’t admit that to him, living or dead. The drive to the city puts a distance between me and my actions, it’s well after lunch before I step out of the lift into the reception area of our offices, waiting for me is the elderly Italian. His face is wrinkled with years of frowning and he walks with a cane, he stands taking giant effort to heave himself up off the chair and smiles at me.

  “Mr. Baldini, what a pleasant surprise.” I grit out through my clenched teeth, he got here fast. I know he has people watching me, but this is getting a bit much. Jameson is darting about sniffing everything and everyone in the place.

  “You don’t have to pretend, no one’s ever happy to see me, not even my own children like it when I visit.” He holds out a hand to shake mine and I oblige. I’m not sure yet what to make of this man, but he has given me a way out and I’m thankful for that if nothing else in this world. I should hate him for killing my father, but I don’t. For some reason I know he was manipulated into it by Harmon. I also know my dad wasn’t really living, he wouldn’t have been sad to die.

  “People call you the Wrath behind your back, I don’t know maybe you should smile occasionally?” I jest with him as we walk to my office down the short passage. He really is a grumpy old man.

  We sit in my reclaimed office and Jameson finds a spot to lie under my desk, he loves
coming to the office, all the attention and treats.

  “So, why did you choose to come back now, I can’t believe it took twenty years for you to find us.” I raise an eyebrow, because I really do want to know what sparked his sudden interest in coming here. He crosses his legs and leans back in the chair making himself comfortable in what will ultimately be his office soon.

  “Before now, I was busy, I had a wife, my business and my children to occupy my time. Now my wife is dead and eldest son is dying, I decided it was time I found closure. I never truly grieved for my brother and grief is the price of love. It was just time, I didn’t want to die angry.” He sounds sad when he lists the people he has lost like that, it’s echoed in his dull eyes that mist with tears never cried.

  “Your brother didn’t deserve your grief, or your love.” I let my anger towards the man that murdered my mother show.

  “Renzo was only my half-brother, he was eight years older than me. I loved him, admired him, wanted to be him and I never stood up for him I was a cowardly boy, and an even more cowardly man.” His posture changes and he seems embarrassed about the way he treated his brother.

  “And he was a monster that didn’t deserve your affections.” I sit down now, I don’t like talking about him or my mother. “He tortured my mother, killed her spirit, murdered her children and when that wasn’t enough he took her, with a bullet. A cowardly gun shot. He was the coward, not you. So far I have seen you are not like him at all and that’s a good thing.” He shakes his head and moves forward so his eyes bore into mine.

  “What do you know, Avery, you were a baby in your cot. What do you really know about your mother and her family, do you know where your grandmother came from?” He asks questions that sting because I know nothing. I was only ever told the stories they wanted me to hear, the ones that would turn me cold and make me a better heir to this business. That was Callum’s doing once again.

  “Not much at all really, I know that my grandfather Mick is buried at the estate and that my grandmother left when Lauri was a toddler, Mick came here to keep them safe from Callum’s family.” I stutter out the little history I do know.

  “Secrets they are mistaken for lies. My father hated Renzo, loathed the air that boy breathed. He beat him and tortured him, burned him with his cigars so that the smell would fill the house and Renzo’s screams would rattle the glass. This went on for years, even when Renzo was older and strong enough to fight back, it continued. One day my brother woke up and learned some truths that had been kept from him. He walked into our father’s office and killed him, then he went to find your mother.” He sighs and wrings his hands together on top of his cane. “Their marriage was not love, or fate or a fairy tale. It was pure revenge, my brother hunted her down and destroyed her with purpose.” I know this part of the story, Mick had killed his mother and unborn brother.

  “Because Mick had murdered his mother, I know that.” Laughter cackles from him and he shakes his head at me again, it isn’t funny. My mother didn’t deserve to pay for Mick’s sins. It makes me think for a minute. Indirectly am I paying for Rowan’s sins? Did my father’s actions result in my unhappiness?

  “Oh yes, Mick killed Renzo’s mother, but my sweet child, it was revenge for so much more than that. Your mother and Renzo, they shared so much more than the world knew about. It took me years to work it all out clearly and put the puzzle together. My Nonna eventually told me the whole story in pieces through her dementia.”

  “They shared nothing! He was a living breathing fucking devil! She was destroyed by him and his evil soul. I am sorry but my daddy beat me doesn’t excuse the shit he did.” My anger is burning hot and I can feel my skin turning red as I huff out the ragged breaths that are supposed to calm me down and stop me from killing the man before me.

  “And he was destroyed because of her, Avery.” His words are dead calm and almost unemotional like my mother didn’t matter at all.

  “That’s not possible because you said it was your father that fucked him up.” I am setting now and my fuse is shortening very fast.

  “Your grandmother Valerie was married to another man when she gave birth to Lauri, that man was my father. Val was the light of his world only she never loved him, she loved Mick. When Renzo was about four, Valerie ran away with Mick and left Renzo behind. They’d carried on their affair for years, in fact it began before she even married my old man.” I don’t say anything, I let him continue his story as my assistant brings us coffee and the door creeks closed behind her I feel like I’m in wind tunnel and my world is speeding past me. When I can form a thought, I blurt it out. “But Mick killed Renzo’s mother?” The truth is starting to hurt me and I’m not sure I want to hear it at all. “This makes no sense, don’t lie to me please. My mother may be gone but I love her, she’s my mother don’t taint that.”

  “Valerie never let Mick go, they would meet up and see each other, my father hated that she wouldn’t love him. Their marriage was arranged, back then that’s how it worked in the mafia families. My father knew that Renzo wasn’t his son and it killed him, well the human part of him, a monstrous man was left behind. When Val ran away he became obsessed with finding her, powered by the illusion of love and a broken heart he found them and your mother after nearly two years. She was expecting another child.”

  “Why did no one ever tell me this?” I can feel tears stinging the corners of my eyes and I pinch the bridge of my nose to try and stop them.

  “I don’t think anyone knew the whole truth for many years, except maybe Mick.” He stands up again now and slides his chair closer to my desk so he can reach my hand, the simple gesture makes this even worse. “Must I go on? This is upsetting you?” I nod, I might as well hear it all now rather than once again learn the truth too late in life. “My father took Val home, forced her to stay with them. He stopped beating Renzo and hit her instead. Renzo believed she was there to save him, but my father had made a bargain with Mick. Lauri could live if Mick killed Val and left Renzo with him. He couldn’t have the world knowing his heir and eldest son was a bastard.” He hands me a hanky from his breast pocket and I wipe my tears. “The love of a parent is something unique Avery, Mick murdered the only person on earth he loved to save Lauri from being killed or worse. In doing so he sacrificed his love and Renzo, my father hated that boy so much.” The man in front of me seems to be just as pained telling this story as I am hearing it. “Renzo was a toxic man, the hatred in him was layered on and built over years and years of abuse. When he learned the truth, that Mick saved Lauri and not him he snapped. She had been free and happy while he lived in hell. She never stood a chance against him.”

  “I don’t want to believe you, because I do not want to feel sorry for him. I hate him so much. Do you know what it’s like having no mother in our world?” I snivel past the empty pit in my life where a mother should have been.

  “He had no mother or father, Avery, he was broken in ways even I don’t understand. He was her brother, that’s why he wouldn’t let her have babies. He let you live and I think in the end he did love her but it was too late to change who he was. I have no reason to lie to you, they are both dead now. I’m getting what I wanted from the start of this. You should know the truth, all of it, this is your family as much as it is mine. There is always a monster that made the monster and it’s usually a much worse one.” I let his words sink in, the truth of just how insane Renzo was, the depth of his revenge and hatred was buried under such a deeply disturbing truth.

  “Did Callum know all of this?” I wonder just how deep his lies went in my life.

  “I believe Renzo told him before he died and left his whole net worth to you. Does it matter if he knew?” There is a knock at the door.

  “Go away!” I yell. “To me it matters, there have been many lies woven into my life and it seems most of those were told by Callum, he chose to keep this secret from me and my father.” This might have been the truth that healed Rowan, if Callum had told him. Maybe if had a tang
ible reason for her dying he could have lived, maybe even loved me more.

  “What will you do now, Avery?” he asks with genuine concern, perhaps he’s scared that I’m going to turn on him, but this madness needs to end so I won’t be killing Baldini. I think for a minute before I answer him with a teary smile.

  “Make wine and kill people like my father did.” I wipe my eyes and nose on a tissue from my top drawer.

  “Is that what your heart wants?” What would he know about heart? Then I look at him and I see a monster, but not one like the others I have known in my life. He reminds me of Mathew, a bit of both worlds.

  “My heart wants things I will never have.” I answer the truth, I am not destined for the things I so desperately long for and I have to accept it and move on with my life.

  “Ah, the doctor? He loves you very much. I could tell when he came to me he would do anything in this world for you.” He did love me, and as I remember that I am overwhelmed by sadness. I swallow a lump in my throat and try to shake the feeling that I have lost the only love I ever had.

  “He did. But monsters aren’t always meant to be loved. I’m destined for other things.” Baldini lets my hand go and sits back, he looks at me with the sadness of generations of villainous men in his eyes.