by Kyra Lennon
Miguel’s eyes softened but resignation was clear inside his chocolate browns; resignation that he couldn’t help. “Maybe there’s something you haven’t tried?” The pain in his tone made my stomach twinge again.
Miguel was a “fixer”. If something was wrong, he’d do whatever he could to make it right. I don’t think he’d ever stumbled across a problem he couldn’t fix. If he couldn’t find the solution, just knowing he was willing to move mountains to try was enough for most people.
I’d been an idiot.
“Miguel. I’m sorry.” I shuffled around to fully face him. “For shutting you out and for being such a bitch lately.”
He shook his head. “Don’t be. I understand. At least, I do now. I’m sorry for yelling at you.”
“I needed it. I deserved it.”
“No.” Miguel sighed. “You didn’t. I should have been more patient, and you’d just woken up from a nightmare for God’s sakes.”
“A nightmare I have almost every time I sleep. And when I’m awake. There’s never a good time to tell someone they need to get over themselves, but-”
“That wasn’t what I-”
“I know. I know that’s not what you were saying but it’s the truth. Sometimes I get so weighted down by everything. I want to be myself again, Miguel. I want to laugh, I want to relax, I want to be happy. Most of all, I just want a break from this endless pain.”
A tear – another tear – dripped down my cheek but I didn’t take my eyes from Miguel’s. I’d blocked him out for so long, I wanted to let him in again. To let him see, to help him understand.
“It takes time, Freya,” he whispered. “Just time.”
As I continued to look into those deep brown eyes, the tears in mine reflected in his, the corners of his mouth curved into a tiny smile. A pulling sensation in my stomach, like the one I sometimes felt when I knew I had to get away from a certain place or situation, made me cast my eyes down for a second. The sensation wasn’t pulling me away, it was pulling me forward.
I’d never not listened to that tugging feeling before. Every time, however hard I tried to fight it, it always led me to a better place, even if only for a short time.
At that moment, nothing made more sense to me.
My skin tingled with the need to be touched, to connect. My heart seemed to vibrate inside my chest, like it was trying to shake off the hurt and find some respite, no matter the cost.
I reached up and placed my hand on Miguel’s cheek, and without hesitation, gently pressed my lips against his.
Miguel’s frame went rigid and he leaned back, cutting off my kiss before it really started. The confusion in his eyes should have made me back off but the tingling of my skin and my quivering heart weren’t ready to give up. Everything inside me, all the pain and anger, had gathered together, desperate for an outlet. I needed it. Needed him.
“Freya.” His breathing was a little ragged, probably from shock more than anything. “Why did you-?”
I closed my eyes, hoping with everything I had that he’d understand because I was unsure what to say. How could I explain something so totally alien to me? This had never happened before, but it was so strong. So impossible to ignore.
“Freya. I know you miss Will, but-”
“It’s not about that.”
The mention of his name pricked at my conscience but it was barely even a fraction of the agony I’d lived in for the last four months.
I stared into Miguel’s eyes again. “I can’t explain this. I can’t. I just… please. The more I try to talk the more confusing it gets.”
“You don’t think it’s confusing for me too? You’ve forced me to stay away from you since February and now you’re trying to kiss me?”
Heat flared in my cheeks. He was right. I was acting way out of character, and I should have been ashamed of myself. I think maybe somewhere deep down inside me, I was ashamed of myself, but I couldn’t let this opportunity slip by to, for once, allow myself a break.
“I should go,” Miguel said, shrugging the blanket off him and standing up. He wouldn’t even look me in the eye.
“Wait!” I quickly sprung to my feet and rested my hands on his shoulders, forcing him to look at me. “I’m sorry. I… It’s…”
I gritted my teeth, annoyed at myself for not finding the right words, or any words, to explain my behaviour.
Miguel’s shoulders loosened under my grip, and he put his arms around me with a small sigh. “It’s okay. I think I… I think I understand. But-” he paused and shook his head, “I don’t know.”
My head tilted to one side, tears still burning the backs of my eyes. I moved one hand around to the back of Miguel’s neck. This time, he was the one to close his eyes.
“Freya.”
“Miguel,” I breathed, moving closer. I touched my lips to his again. “Please. I just want to feel something.” His hands tightened on my waist and all my emotions rushed to the forefront as I moved my mouth over his again, hoping he could taste my need through my kiss. “Make me feel something.”
Miguel stared into my eyes, like he was trying to gaze into my soul to see if this was what I really wanted. I gave him a small nod, like that tiny gesture would be enough to symbolise everything I wanted to express. “Please.”
He pressed his fingers into my back, urging me closer. With my body against his, my heart beat faster and I was sure I could hear his thudding against his chest. He rested his hand on my cheek, brushing away my tears with the pad of his thumb then pressed his lips against mine.
He felt it too; I knew it from the second he kissed me. A small whimper of relief slipped out of my mouth as I pushed my hands into his hair, and Miguel slid his hands up my back to unzip my dress.
At last.
At. Last.
Chapter 4 - Weird
My eyelids fluttered open and the first thing I thought was, ‘Man, it’s bright this morning.’ The sunlight warmed me through my sheets and the room was filled with way more light than usual. Did I leave the curtains open? I raised my head to find the lilac curtains drawn, with only a small gap in between.
As I rested my head back on the pillow I caught sight of the clock on my night table. 11.30am.
What?
I reached over to pick up my clock for a closer look and my hand brushed against a piece of paper that rested beside it. I blinked a couple of times before lifting the paper and reading the scrawled words.
I’m sorry I had to leave without saying goodbye but I didn’t want to wake you. I’ll call you later. M
Right. Miguel.
My brain hadn’t got that far yet but his note brought everything rushing back and I dropped the piece of paper and threw my arm over my eyes as a wave of guilt rushed through my body.
The peace I’d awoken with lasted all of two minutes.
But I had felt peaceful when I woke up, albeit briefly. I’d been asleep for almost eight hours straight and I couldn’t recall the last time that had happened. Even with the pain slowly seeping back into my veins, I felt like I had the strength to carry it.
What I wasn’t sure I could carry was my conscience screaming at me from the depths of my mind.
With a groan I rolled over onto my side and pulled the covers over my head. So this was what a one night stand felt like. If I could call it that. Did a name even exist for having sex with one of your best friends after having practically begged for it?
Oh God. Oh God.
I couldn’t begin to process everything that had happened. Last night had all started off so innocently. Being at the club with my friends, dancing with Bryce, talking to Radleigh… that seemed like another lifetime ago. In reality, it was Act One of the oddest night of my life.
With a shake of my head, I forced myself to sit up because internalising was not going to help me. What I needed to do was get up and… what? Go to the Warriors game?
My phone rang, and without looking, I knew it would be Miguel. My insides rolled at the idea of speaking to
him. I hadn’t had enough time to process. The only thing I knew was that ignoring the call wasn’t an option. Delaying the conversation wouldn’t make it easier.
I scooped up my phone and clicked the answer button.
“Hey.”
“Hey, Freya.” Miguel’s voice was slightly hesitant, like he didn’t know how I would respond. Funny, I wasn’t sure yet, either.
“I… I just woke up,” I mumbled.
“I’m sorry. I felt so bad about leaving you, but I had to be at work and I-” he trailed off, and knowing he was as lost for words as me made me relax.
“You didn’t know what to say?” I guessed, and he let out a small laugh.
“Yeah.”
“That makes two of us.”
Another small gap in the conversation gave me a chance to think about what I wanted to say. I truly hadn’t meant to create awkwardness between us; we’d both had enough of that. How could it be anything other than awkward, though? The slow trickling of guilt through my veins brought with it an ache that settled into my bones. My palms grew moist and I tightened my grip on my cell to stop it slipping from my fingers.
“Miguel, I… I never should have asked you to stay last night. I put you in a really uncomfortable position, and I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.”
“I think we both put ourselves there, Freya. Maybe you shouldn’t have asked me to stay, and maybe I shouldn’t have. But you did, and I did. Wrong as it might have been, I… I’m not… I don’t-” he stopped stumbling over his words and sighed.
“I haven’t had a moment to think about what happened last night. I don’t know how I feel about it, but I-”
“Do you regret it?”
Although he couldn’t see me, I shook my head. “No,” I whispered, and the guilt intensified because that should have been the wrong answer. The ache coursing through me caused tears to burn my eyes again.
How could I not regret committing the ultimate betrayal? I’d had sex with Will’s best friend. He was Leah’s ex-boyfriend too, so I couldn’t even talk to her about this. Some lines should never be crossed, but for the first time in ages I’d had life breathed back into me. Miguel had crossed the boundaries too, probably for the same reasons, and even though it was wrong and it hurt to carry to the burden of what we’d done, I appreciated getting a break from feeling nothing. Appreciated having someone who made me feel protected and cared for, and who understood.
“Me neither,” Miguel said, softly.
“Are we gonna be okay?”
“Sure we are. We don’t have to let this get weird.”
“But it is weird.”
Again, Miguel chuckled. “It’s as weird as we make it. Listen, I’ve never… I’m not a one night stand guy, and I know you’re not a one night stand girl. I don’t know the rules, or if there are rules but we’ve been friends for a long time. I think we can get through this.”
Being friends for so long was a part of what made the situation so messed up, but at the same time, it might be what made it okay. We could be grown-ups about the whole thing. We’d always know what happened but we didn’t have to let it ruin everything. The thing that made us fall into bed together was the bigger issue, and that was all down to me.
Will. My Will.
“Do you want to do something later?” Miguel asked. “Grab some food? See a movie? Something to prove to us that we can get through this.”
“Won’t you be out with the rest of the team tonight?” That was what often happened after a game, although since they’d been out the night before there was a chance they’d skip the festivities and head home instead.
“I didn’t make any plans. I think there will be some drinks later, so we could go along if you like?”
The use of the word “we” made me bristle. Sounded like a date. I knew that wasn’t how he meant it, and definitely not what it was, but “we” was not Miguel and I. It was Will and I.
“How about we grab some coffee tomorrow?” I suggested. If I gave myself twenty-four hours to think, I’d have a better idea of how I felt, and perhaps I’d be able to shift some of my remorse. “Genie’s at ten-thirty?”
“Sure. Sounds good.”
After making small talk for a few more minutes, we said our goodbyes and I lay back on my bed with a sigh.
In order to distract myself from thinking too much, I spent a couple of hours tidying up my apartment before I remembered I’d planned to go see Leah. I hadn’t arranged anything with her, but as part of my “re-connect with friends” plan, I wanted to see her in the hopes that she’d open up to me about what was happening with her and Radleigh.
That was before.
I’d broken one of the biggest rules of friendship by sleeping with Miguel. He and Leah weren’t together for very long, and it was over a year ago, but that wasn’t the point. Ex-boyfriends were a no-go area. How could I tell her? How to explain?
Nope. There was no way. Besides, the whole point of visiting her was to not talk about me. I wanted to escape from my problems – even if I had just created a new one.
I drove to Leah’s place, training my brain to focus on her the whole way. Must forget about Miguel. Must pretend everything is fine. Radleigh would be at the match so it was the ideal time to talk to her about how she felt without any interruptions. My biggest challenge would be getting her to allow me to be the one who listened instead of the one being listened to.
When Leah opened the door, it only took a second to realise that wouldn’t be an issue. Her dark hair was pulled into a messy ponytail, loose straggly strands hanging around her face. Not her usual put-together self at all.
“Hi.” She gave a genuine smile but it didn’t hide the fact that something troubled her.
“Wow. What’s going on, honey?”
She shrugged and opened the door wider for me to go inside. “You look good,” she said, looking me up and down. “You look like you got some sleep.”
I hoped I hid the flush rising in my cheeks, and I tried not to stumble over my words. “Thanks. I did sleep well.”
She smiled again, some of the tension leaving her body. “You wanna grab a drink and sit by the pool?”
I nodded. I absolutely adored Leah and Radleigh’s back yard. It was huge, but surrounded by large trees and fences so nobody could see in from outside. Not as intimidating as it sounds. They had a fantastic gardener who kept the bushes and flowers in excellent shape, and the pool was the centrepiece, surrounded by sun loungers much like the ones on my balcony. What I loved most about it was the total privacy it provided, and how easy it was to hide away from the world there.
With our drinks in our hands – orange juice for me, water for Leah – we headed out to make ourselves comfortable on the loungers. The afternoon sun was hot, but not uncomfortably so, and for a while we just lay back and sat quietly together.
“I think I’m fucking up my relationship.”
I snapped my head towards Leah, her sudden openness surprising me. “Erm… what?”
Unable to turn onto her side with her enormous stomach, she heaved herself into a sitting position and faced me. After a moment she sighed and shook her head. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter.”
“Er, yeah, it kinda does.” I sat up too and Leah’s eyes softened. I could virtually see her berating herself for talking me about her “insignificant” problems, compared to what I was dealing with. “Leah, come on. Not you too. I talked to everyone else about this last night. At some point, you’re gonna have to start treating me like a normal person again. Maybe we can start here?”
After another pause, Leah nodded. “Okay. I’m sorry. It’s just… this is something silly and-”
“Leah.”
This was going to be harder than I thought.
“Okay,” she said with another sigh. “I’m sure it’s just being pregnant, but… I feel… hideous.” She gently poked at her swollen stomach. “This is making me feel hideous. I can’t wait to meet my baby but carrying this bulk around is killing me
. Everything hurts. My back hurts, and my hips hurt, and my boobs weigh a bloody ton. At night I’m too hot and I can’t sleep and it’s making me cranky. I feel frumpy and unattractive, and instead of sucking it up and dealing with it, I’m taking it out on Radleigh.”
“Wait. He didn’t talk to you about this yet?”
Leah’s head tilted to the side. “Talk to me? How did you…? Did he talk to you about this?”
Crap. Way to go, Freya. You just made this worse. I was so out of practice with this friend thing.
“Freya.” Her eyes widened, flashing with anger. Radleigh was right; she actually was turning into an angry monster right in front of me.
I held my hands up. “Leah, it wasn’t like you think. He didn’t call me up to bitch about you. I saw him at the club last night.”
“He went to the club?”
She pulled herself up and paced around the sun lounger she’d been sitting on. I hoped the speed she’d picked up would help her burn off the rage inside her, but equally, I was worried that if she didn’t calm down she’d make herself sick.
“Leah, take it easy.” I rose from my sun lounger and grabbed her by the shoulders, forcing her to stand still. “Please. Calm down, honey.”
As she drew in a few deep breaths, I was struck with guilt. She should have come to me sooner. She should have come to me. Okay, her sanity wasn’t solely down to me being there for her; we had other friends too, but she and I had always been the closest and I’d let her work herself into this rage by being so consumed with my own problems.
“What did he say?” she asked, quietly.
I smiled. “It won’t mean half as much if I tell you.”
“He was so angry when he left last night. I really didn’t think he’d come home.”
“What happened?”
“I’m a bitch,” she said, as we both sat down again, and her head flopped onto my shoulder. “A cranky, unreasonable bitch. Radleigh came home with a pizza, which is a nice thing to do, right?” I nodded. “He even picked my favourite. Said I could choose a movie for us to watch, and we’d spend the evening curled up together. Instead of saying ‘thank you’ like a normal person, I flipped out about how fat I already I am, and asked why he would bring me food that would make me fatter. I mean, really? How ungrateful can I be?” She sighed. “It’s just… at the time, everything I said seemed reasonable to me. Like he was trying to purposely make me look disgusting so he has an excuse to leave me.”
