by Kyra Lennon
Wow. This wasn’t Leah. She had always been confident, feisty, and wouldn’t take any crap. Pregnancy hormones – based on what a couple of other people I knew had experienced – had the power to drag up deep-buried concerns and bring them to the forefront. I’ve no idea if there’s any true science behind it, it was just something I’d spotted. When Leah first got pregnant, she was happy and scared. Scared because she and Radleigh had only been together officially for around four months when they found out. Nothing between them had ever been simple, and adding a baby to the mix so soon had forced their relationship farther forward than they’d expected. Whatever Leah was throwing at Radleigh, I was sure, were her un-voiced concerns that he wasn’t ready to settle down.
“Leah, come on.” I wrapped my arm around her shoulders. “I think you’re confusing him with the old Radleigh.”
“Since when did you become his biggest fan?” she mumbled, and I laughed.
“Since he made my best friend happier than I’ve ever seen her.” Leah lifted her head, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. Her misery caused an unpleasant twinge inside me and I held her tighter. “Honey, Radleigh is… Radleigh. He’s always going to have that quick temper, and he’s always going to say and do things that make you crazy. He’s also always going to have a past, and knowing what his was like, I can understand why you’d worry. But ask anyone and they’ll tell you the same thing. He’s with you. He loves you, and that’s obvious to everyone.”
“For now. What about when we’re up to our eyeballs in nappies, and the baby’s screaming all night long?”
“You’re both equally responsible for creating your baby, Leah. You make it sound like he’ll resent you for it.”
“Maybe he will.”
“Maybe you’ll resent him.”
Her brow furrowed. “Why would I? Fast as it is, this is everything I want.”
I had to refrain from rolling my eyes good-naturedly at her. “It’s everything he wants, too.”
“I know. Logically, I know that. But I can’t stop myself snapping at him, and I can’t stop thinking the worst. I don’t know what to do.”
“Sure you do. You have to talk to him.”
And there it was again. That awful stabbing sensation that resembled jealousy when I spent too long with people who actually had a significant other to tell their problems too. I didn’t begrudge them happiness; far from it. I kind of wanted to shake Leah’s shoulders and tell her to hold on to Radleigh as tight as possible because nobody ever knows when it could all be snatched away.
That’s the thing about life, I suppose. Everyone has their own stuff going on, their own perspectives. Mine had altered so radically since Will died it was no surprise I barely recognised myself. I’d never taken what I had for granted. Never. But if I’d known what was around the corner, maybe I’d have done things differently.
But how?
Would I have told Will I loved him sooner? Or would I have continued to shy away from our relationship to avoid getting hurt?
Nope. I’d have been hurt either way, because no matter what, I’d still have been in love with him, and having him for a short time was better than never having the chance to know how it felt to hold him, to kiss him, to make love to him.
Leah’s hand covered mine, bringing me back to reality, and as I looked at her I knew she knew what I was thinking.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m being an ungrateful cow, aren’t I?”
“No. You’re allowing yourself to feel how you feel. That’s not a bad thing. Just… make sure you don’t let it blind you to what you have. To what’s real.”
She nodded, blinking a couple of times to clear the tears from her eyes. “Come with me.”
Leah stood up, and still holding my hand, pulled me up too then led me back into the house and up the stairs. We walked down the hallway to the bedroom door next to Leah and Radleigh’s.
“You wanna see something adorable?” she asked.
“Hell yeah!”
She chuckled and opened the door. When we stepped inside, I gasped and covered my mouth with my hands. “Oh my goodness.”
What was formerly one of many guest rooms had turned into a nursery any baby would be lucky to have. The furnishings were in soft pastel colours, and everything Leah and Radleigh would need to take care of their bundle of joy was right there. A beautiful crib was the centrepiece of the room, and there was an area in the corner similar to the one in my living room, with huge pillows scattered around. And the walls… wow. Someone had painted cartoon jungle animals on the back wall, all cute and squishy looking. I kind of wanted to move in myself!
“This is awesome, Leah! I love it.”
She rested her hands on her stomach and gently rubbed the bump there. “Me too. Of course, if Radleigh had his way, this room would be decorated with footballs and race cars.” Leah smiled fondly. “I had to point out there is a good chance we’ll have a girl, and she might not be so crazy about football and race cars. So, we reached a compromise. Ethan did the painting on the walls.”
“Ethan? You mean…?”
“Yeah. He did a great job, huh?”
“He sure did.”
So, the new team coach was a man of many talents. When I got back to work, I’d have to spend more time getting to know him better since we’d be working so closely. He’d made our introduction easy, and he’d made Leah’s nursery look fantastic. I guessed everyone was right; he was a good guy.
Of course, getting to know him would require me staying at work for a full day, but that was something to worry about tomorrow. I had more than enough on my mind for one day.
“Do you want to stay for dinner tonight?” Leah asked. “Bryce is coming over too. I think Radleigh wanted a buffer between us after yesterday. We’re ordering a Chinese takeaway, and I promise I won’t freak out about Radleigh making me fat.”
When she smiled I couldn’t help smiling too. Clearly Leah still had things to work through, but the stress she’d carried when I arrived had faded substantially since she’d opened up to me.
“Sure,” I told her. “I’d love to.”
Chapter 5 - Awkward
The evening at Leah’s turned into one of the best I’d had in a while. The four of us ate and chatted, and for a while I allowed myself to just be in the moment. To laugh without remorse, to joke with the people who meant the most to me, and to eat the best Chinese food in all of L.A.
I left at nine, and on the way home, I let my thoughts wander again. All in all, it hadn’t been a terrible day. Much more good than bad. Even so, I couldn’t help the gnawing sensation at the knot in my stomach about seeing Miguel in the morning. I’d intended to spend the day getting my thoughts together. Instead, I’d spent the day actively not thinking about anything that might cause the ache to return.
The truth was, it was all a temporary distraction; just like sleeping with Miguel. My grief wasn’t over, it was on hold while I tried to find a way through, but all I’d done was make things worse.
By the morning, everything I’d stopped feeling had flooded back. I’d had another restless night with bad dreams and my mind running a million miles a minute to try and figure out what was happening to me. Anxiety about work had me tossing and turning, and nerves about meeting Miguel had me pacing my apartment at three in the morning.
I was truly losing my mind and the only person who had ever been able to keep me calm was gone.
My nerves reached their highest peak ten minutes before I was due at Genie’s. My feet did that awful thing where they planted themselves into the ground as panic gripped me and I couldn’t move; not to run away nor to push through. On the beach, surrounded by Sunday morning walkers, swimmers and surfers, I breathed deeply, hoping they weren’t staring at the crazy woman who’d come to an abrupt halt for no good reason. I forced my head up to look in front of me but my vision blurred and my heart hammered.
Apparently, this was now my default reaction to anything I didn’t want to face an
d I hated it. Another weakness, another thing to add to my growing list of issues to deal with.
Come. On. This is one thing you are in control of, so take control.
With that mantra firmly planted in my mind, I commanded my wobbly legs to keep moving towards Genie’s, towards Miguel. Every step challenged me, a small voice in my head telling me to go home, to hide from what I was about to do, but each forward movement made the voice fade a bit more and when I arrived, a sense of relief washed through me.
I could beat this if I tried.
Miguel was waiting for me when I walked in. He was easy to spot since there were only three other people in there. He’d already ordered for me. As I approached, he smiled up at me. “Espresso, right?”
The wideness of his brown eyes, hopeful that we truly would be okay, relaxed me and I smiled back as I sat opposite him. “Right. Thanks.”
“No problem. How are you doing?”
I considered lying. Telling him I was totally cool with everything, and that I hadn’t almost had a nervous breakdown while walking across the beach, but blocking him out hadn’t done me any favours so far.
“I’m… surviving,” I told him, blowing out a breath. “Miguel, I don’t know about you, but I feel kind of awful about what happened between us.” The twinge in my stomach backed up my words and my breath hitched. Guilt is a nasty, gut-churning feeling, and it hit me hard. A picture of Will appeared before me, his eyes glimmering with tears, blazing with my betrayal and causing the breath to be knocked out of me again. I gripped the edge of the table for support while I pushed the image away. It wasn’t fair. I wouldn’t have slept with Miguel if Will was still alive, but even that thought hurt because it wasn’t Will’s fault he wasn’t here.
Miguel nodded, his eyes cast downwards. “I feel weird about it too. Like I let you down. You and Will. I really just wanted to make sure you were okay last night, and instead I… I did the wrong thing. I know we both said this doesn’t have to be awkward, and that we don’t regret what happened, but… I don’t know if that’s true.”
The mixed up emotions inside me took another tumble, bouncing around in my stomach and making me feel sick. No matter how hard we tried, of course it would be awkward. How could it not be? On the flip side, I’d realised how much I needed Miguel back in my life, but I hadn’t meant to do it so selfishly, by putting him in a position he felt he couldn’t walk away from. He could have walked away, but in its own way, that would have been equally as awkward.
“You didn’t let me down,” I whispered. “I let you down. I’ve let you down in so many ways since Will died, and on Friday night I should have let you go.”
Miguel lifted his head to look at me. “I didn’t want to go, Freya. I know I should have, and that would have been the right thing to do, but I didn’t want to. So if you feel like you forced me to stay… you didn’t.”
“But you just said you kind of regret it.”
“Don’t you?”
I nodded. “Kind of. And kind of not.”
As our gaze connected some of the bubbling in my gut eased. In Miguel’s eyes I saw that he understood. That when I’d told him I wanted him to make me feel something, he’d needed to feel too. He didn’t stay because I begged him, he stayed because he sought the same comfort as I did.
And he did make me feel something. Safe, secure, like I was a part of something again. As much as my heart ached with missing Will and my insides shrivelled at the knowledge I’d done something so wrong, I couldn’t deny Miguel had provided me with a warmth that took the edge off the ice that had flowed through my veins since the second I got that phone call.
Miguel reached for my hand and I glanced down at our lightly intertwined fingers, unsure whether to close mine around his. He’d held my hand a million times, but this time the implications if I didn’t let go were different than they were before. If there even were implications. Maybe I was reading too much into everything.
While I tried to figure it out, Miguel moved his hand away and gripped his mug instead. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”
Shaking my head I moved one of my hands over his, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I’m sorry. And I think you were wrong. This probably does have to be awkward but I’d like us to move on. Quickly. Can we maybe go back to how we were? Pretend Friday night didn’t happen?”
This time it was Miguel who stared at our joined hands, but when he looked up, he smiled. “Sure. What do you say we finish our drinks then go bug Jesse for a while?”
I laughed, relieved at how fast he’d agreed. “Sounds good to me.”
True to Miguel’s plan, we stayed in Genie’s for a while longer, the conversation moving to safer ground as we made small talk, then we headed over to visit Jesse. Since he’d moved back to his own apartment once his knee was healed enough that he could move around, he was a lot happier. A little lonelier without his family around him, but less suffocated by them fussing around him. Miguel and I stayed at Jesse’s for a couple of hours, and with each passing second, more of the tension between us ebbed away. By the end of the day, things were almost normal between us again, the only hint of weirdness popping up when it was time for Miguel to leave, when our goodbye hug was stiff and kind of formal.
When I went to bed, my thoughts were still a little tangled, but I’d tackled the situation with Miguel head on. I hadn’t run away from it, and the next day, it was time to try the same thing at work.
Chapter 6 – It’s a Process
“Here she is!” Richard greeted me with a smile as I walked across the pitch towards him. Once again, Bryce was at my side holding me up, but my feet were still moving in the right direction. Bonus.
“Morning,” I said as we reached him. My eyes scanned the soccer field, the sheer size overwhelming me for a second but I focused on Richard again and breathed through the rising panic. Bryce put his arm around my shoulder as if he’d sensed my inner discomfort and I leaned into him a little.
“How are you feeling this morning?” Richard asked, surveying me closely.
“I’m okay. Not great, but okay.”
“You look a whole lot better than you looked last week, but you know the drill. Stay for as long as you can, and if you need a break or you need to go home, just let me know, okay?”
I nodded. My heart pounded harder when I spotted a few of the guys from the team walking out from the locker rooms, ready for work.
This would usually be the part of the day when Will and I would have snuck up to the cafeteria for an early coffee, and once again, my palms moistened at the painful reminder we’d never do that again.
“Come on.” Bryce squeezed my shoulder. “Let’s go grab some water before we get started.”
Again, I nodded; it was the only thing I was capable of as my quivering legs carried me towards the main building.
How is this so hard? How is this harder than sleeping with Miguel?
I blinked a few times as fog clouded my vision. What sort of question was that for my brain to ask?
An honest one?
“Hey,” Bryce said, and I realised we’d stopped. “You okay?”
I glanced up at him, the concern in his eyes mocking me because all my good intentions of being brave and making it through the day had slid away with my horrid thoughts.
“Yeah,” I lied, forcing myself to nod. “I’m fine.”
I’m not fine. I’m freaking confused. And nothing is easy anymore. Nothing.
My thoughts continued to shout over each other as I let Bryce lead me up to the cafeteria, and when he left me to get our drinks, I rested my forehead on the table and drew in some deep breaths while giving myself a pep talk.
Point number one; sleeping with Miguel was not easy. Sure, it happened quickly and without a whole lot of thought about what might happen after, but it isn’t like I’ve hooked up with a bunch of guys to drown out my pain. I made a mistake. We made a mistake. Point number two; four months is no time at all. This is your third day back, what did you ex
pect? Grieving doesn’t go away just because you want it to. It’s a process. Some days it involves starting all over again, and the stupidest things can take a long time to get used to. Work is one of those things.
“Freya?”
Miguel’s voice made me lift my head, and I forced a smile when his brown eyes met mine. “Hey.”
The frown on his face added another layer of guilt to my already highly stacked pile of remorse, and I tried to make my smile more genuine. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see him, I’d just been lost in my thoughts again.
“Are you okay?” he asked. “Can I get you anything?”
I shook my head then nodded in the direction of the bar. “Bryce is getting me some water. Thanks, though.”
Miguel followed my gaze to Bryce, who was walking towards us with our drinks. A brief flicker of something resembling disappointment crossed his face and I peered at him curiously.
“Do you wanna sit?” I asked as he swivelled his eyes back to mine.
“No, I’m good. I need to get warmed up, I just wanted to say hey and check you’re okay. I’ll see you later.”
He gave a cool guy wave to Bryce then headed towards the exit as Bryce placed our drinks on the table.
My eyebrows pulled together as Miguel’s retreating form disappeared through the swinging doors. Still not recovered from my mini meltdown, my mind reeled at Miguel’s unusual behaviour. It wasn’t like him to leave without chatting for at least a few minutes, especially when I wasn’t at my best. I wanted my friends to start treating me normally again, but him walking away so fast was not normal at all.
