by Kyra Lennon
I didn’t get much of a chance to talk to Miguel for the rest of the day, and trying to decipher his actions kept my mind occupied. Of course, I had a few gut-twisting moments when I looked around for Will, only to remember he wasn’t there and I had to take a time out to pull myself together. My team mates were awesome for letting me do what I needed to do, and everyone, even Radleigh, checked on me throughout the day. Miguel hadn’t ignored me, but his distance was strange, especially since we’d talked things through the day before and, as far as I knew, we were cool. With him taking a step back, the weight of loss seemed heavier than ever. Selfish as it sounds, even when I’d avoided him, knowing Miguel was there was like having a safety net to fall into when I needed to crash. This was probably how he felt when you shut him out.
The echoes of the things he’d yelled at me rang in my ears, reminding me what a self-involved bitch I’d been.
“You okay over there?” Bryce asked, briefly turning his head in my direction before turning his attention back to the road. Since he’d been the one to drive me to work, he had to drive me home again too, and I’d been in a world of my own from the moment I sat in the passenger seat.
“Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.”
The corners of his lips curled upwards. “Liar. What’s up? You did good today. Really good.”
I nodded slowly. “I got through it. It should only get easier from now on, right?”
“Yup. For sure. So why are you so quiet?”
I shifted my gaze towards him for a second. “I slept with Miguel.”
For the second time, Bryce’s head turned to me, and I screamed at him as he drove too close to the car in front. Bryce slammed hard on the brakes, stopping the car just in time to prevent it re-arranging the back end of the car ahead of us.
“Jesus!” I placed my hand over my hammering heart. “That was close.”
“I’m sorry.” Bryce’s shoulders heaved from the near miss. “But don’t break news like that to me while I’m driving.”
I hadn’t meant to blurt it out, especially not so matter-of-factly. The words spilled from my lips as if they’d been waiting for a chance to escape. Maybe I’d been desperate to tell someone all day. I didn’t know if Bryce was the right person, but he could keep a secret.
Nothing more was said until Bryce parked outside my apartment. He turned the engine off, unclipped his seatbelt and turned around as far as he could to face me. “Do you want to run that by me again? Because I could have sworn you said you slept with Miguel.”
I unclipped my own seatbelt and nodded. “That’s what I said.”
“When?”
“Friday night.”
“So, I guess you sorted things out.”
I drew my eyebrows together. “How do you mean?”
“Come on, Freya. We’ve all noticed you’ve been avoiding him. Even when we’re all together you’ve kept as far away from him as possible.”
I hadn’t realised I’d made it so obvious which made me feel worse than I already did about the way I’d treated Miguel. When he’d yelled at me the night before, he’d crashed through all my barriers, tore away the protective layer I’d hidden behind, and pierced my heart with his cries. The memory of the moment he broke down sent a shiver through my body; a reminder of how broken we both were.
“We talked,” I said, simply.
“How did this happen?”
“Do I have to explain?”
The idea of recounting the way things had played out caused my heart to beat faster again, and my cheeks grew hot with embarrassment as I remembered the things I’d said. The way I’d asked him to help me feel again.
“No, of course not. I’m just trying to understand.”
“That makes two of us.” I sighed. “I thinkI was out of my mind on Friday night. I mean, I wasn’t drunk or anything, I was totally sober. But everything had gotten on top of me, I felt suffocated. Miguel kind of forced me to see I’m not the only one having a hard time, and I’m not the only one who still misses Will. I knew it, of course. I get that I’m not the only one, even if sometimes it seems like I don’t. But when he really pushed me see to how much we need each other, everything came tumbling down.” I looked up at Bryce. “It was all me. I was the one who initiated it, and now…” Tears filled my eyes and I lowered my head quickly as the reality of what I’d done slammed into me again. “I slept with Will’s best friend. Will died four months ago. Four. How could I do that to him? What the hell kind of way is that to grieve?”
Everything I’d tried to block out flooded through me; the guilt, the ache, the emptiness I’d tried so hard to get rid of. When I laid it all out, that was what it came down to. I had sex with my late boyfriend’s best friend. The two people Will trusted the most had trampled all over his memory by doing something unforgiveable. I suddenly understood why Miguel had backed off. Maybe it was too much for him too, in spite of our efforts to move past it. Obvious, really, but he was the one who was so certain our friendship would be okay. I didn’t expect to find myself alone again and carrying the weight of a mistake we made together.
Bryce reached over and placed his hand on my knee. “I’m not judging you for what happened.”
“Well you should. If anyone else found out, they would.”
“Freya, for whatever reason, you made a decision in the moment. It’s not like you lured Miguel to your apartment with the intention of sleeping with him.”
“That’s not really the point, is it?”
The ache inside me took a firmer grip, twisting my gut. I clutched my hand to my stomach and shook my head, hoping the sick feeling would subside before my lunch made a re-appearance and re-upholstered Bryce’s leather seats. This was an awful ending to a day I should have celebrated. I’d made it through a full day of work without anxiety knocking me to the ground and sending me home. Instead, I’d fallen back into a spiral of regrets.
“I can’t change how you feel about what happened,” Bryce said. “But I know you, and I know what you’re going through isn’t easy. If what you did made you stop hurting for a little while, then maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing.”
“Except now there’s more pain, and a large helping of guilt to go along with it.” I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to stop the shivers as everything overwhelmed me. “Why did it have to be Miguel? I mean, I’ve been alone with all of you guys at some point. Why him when it could have been…”
“Me?” Bryce chuckled. “I think there are a few reasons, and I think you know them. It could have just been the time and place. Mostly, I think it’s because you and Miguel were the closest to Will. I know that’s the part that’s screwing things up for you, but you have to see… that’s probably why it was him and nobody else.”
He was right. I did know the reasons, and they were a huge part of what was screwing me up.
“Did you notice Miguel avoiding me today?”
Bryce nodded. “A little. He sure disappeared quickly this morning when he was talking to you in the cafeteria.”
“He said he had to go warm up, but…”
“You think he feels bad too?”
“I know he does. But we spent yesterday together and I thought we’d gotten past the worst of it.”
Bryce quirked an eyebrow but said nothing. After a while he gave in to a sigh. “Do you want me to talk to him?”
“God, no,” I rushed out. “You can’t tell anyone about this. I mean, if this gets out…”
“Okay.” Bryce stared into my eyes, showing me he understood. “Okay. Is there anything I can do?”
I shook my head. “I don’t think so, not right now. But, I’d really appreciate if I could come to you when things get too much. I’d usually go to Leah, but she’s got enough to worry about, and… well, how can I tell her I slept with Miguel? He’s her ex-boyfriend.”
Bryce chuckled. “Oh, that’s what you’re worried about? Freya, come on. You know I adore Leah, but… she cheated on Miguel. I don’t think this will be a concern for he
r.”
I narrowed my eyes slightly. “That’s not the point. She still dated him. That’s a line that shouldn’t be crossed, at least not without talking to her first.”
“By the sounds of it, there wasn’t really time for that!”
In spite of my worry, when Bryce laughed, I couldn’t help joining in. Within seconds, though, moisture formed behind my eyes again. This wasn’t funny.
I let out a pained groan and bowed my head, blowing out a breath. “I hate this. I hate that I can’t allow myself to relax, or laugh, or just be. Everything I do feels like a betrayal; even the little things.”
“It hasn’t been long. Not long enough for you to settle into a life that feels normal. You lost someone who was part of everything you did. Will wasn’t just some casual fling, he was your best friend and your colleague. Getting used to him being gone and trying to do things that used to be simple… they’re going to hurt. They’re going to hurt for a long time. I know you can’t help how you feel every time you try to be yourself, but at some point, you have to let go and let it happen. Maybe you’re not ready yet, but punishing yourself for trying will only make it harder.” Bryce took my hand and brought it to his lips, planting a soft kiss on my palm. “We’re all here for you, sweetheart. But this thing with Miguel, that’s for you and him to deal with together. Call him. Go home right now and call him. Whether you like it or not, you need each other. Don’t let what happened between you ruin your friendship and stop you helping each other through this.”
Chapter 7 – Considering the Consequences
Usually when everything got so tangled up that I didn’t know what to do, I went to the cemetery to talk to Will, however, the source of my confusion meant I couldn’t face it. Couldn’t face talking to Will the way I used to. Three days wasn’t the longest I’d stayed away, and even though I felt the pull to go to him, I didn’t want to sit beside his grave and tell him how much I missed him. I’d have felt like a phony.
After talking to Bryce, I realised he was right. I needed to talk to Miguel. Whatever Miguel’s reason for avoiding me at work, I had to try to fix it before we let another four months pass without really talking. We made this mess together, and we’d find our way out together. That’s what friends do, right?
Without putting too much thought into it, I got into my car and drove to Miguel’s house. If I called him, I didn’t trust that we’d both be honest with each other. I needed to be face to face with him. His deep brown eyes couldn’t lie, and I needed the truth. Needed to know if, in spite of his words, we’d been so stupid that we’d ruined our friendship forever.
When I pulled up outside Miguel’s Spanish-style home, I turned my head to the left and stared at the building, imagining him inside. What was he doing? Was he having dinner? Watching TV? Did he feel as strange about the day as I did? Shaking my head to stop myself second guessing him again, I opened my car door and stepped out. Just as I locked up, I heard Miguel’s front door open and I spun around. He had his head down, staring at his phone as if deciding whether or not to call someone. I had a sneaking suspicion I knew who. Waiting, I leaned back against my car. Miguel let out a small growl and shoved his cell into his jeans pocket. He raised his head, and as his gaze landed on me his eyes widened.
“Freya?”
“Hey.”
“I was just coming to see you.”
“I guess I saved you a journey.” Straightening up, I gave him an uneasy smile. “So… what’s up?”
He shook his head, his whole body tense. “I don’t know. I felt like I should talk to you after today but…”
He didn’t need to finish the sentence. Who the hell knew what the words were anyway? Sometimes confusion takes over, and lucky for him, I understood.
“Do you want to come in?”
Obviously, that was the original plan. But he looked so tense. The two of us confined within the walls of his house suddenly didn’t seem like such a good idea.
“How about we go for a drive?” I asked, and he nodded.
Miguel and I climbed into my car, neither of us saying a word. It wasn’t uncomfortable exactly, but we’d lost the easy going feel we’d had the day before. Wasn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Getting easier instead of harder? How did we go from joking around at the weekend to this? And all because of… what?
Right. That was why I was there.
“I’m sorry about today,” Miguel said, as we headed out of his neighbourhood towards… wherever. Destination was the last thing on my mind. “I didn’t mean to act like such a douche.” From the corner of my eye I saw his head turn towards me. “You did a great job today. I’m proud of you getting through it.”
“Don’t be too proud.” I shrugged. “I literally got through it, nothing more. It was tough, but everyone was really supportive.”
“Except me.” Miguel snapped his head to the view in front of us again. “I don’t really have a great excuse, or even understand why I kept my distance.”
“It’s okay. Things are far from normal right now and I’ve done more than my share of keeping away from you. But if there’s a way for you to explain so I can understand… it might help. At least then I can work on not doing things that make this harder.”
“You didn’t do anything.”
Silence filled the car again, and I held in a sigh. Maybe visiting him wasn’t such a good idea after all. If he didn’t know what was wrong, and I didn’t know either, we were kind of at an impasse.
I didn’t want this. I never wanted this.
My inner GPS led me towards the training ground, to the café opposite our work place where we sometimes hung out. It was convenient, and there was a place to park – something that wasn’t easy to find in Los Angeles. In spite of it being out of the way, there were always people there. I suspected it was mostly Warriors fans, hoping to catch a glimpse of the players – and sometimes they got lucky. I loved the place for its “All-American 50s diner” feel, complete with a jukebox and staff dressed as if they were headed to a rock ‘n’ roll party.
As we settled ourselves in one of the booths, Miguel gave a small smile. “You hungry?”
I nodded. “I didn’t realise until we got here, but I could eat.”
Maybe if we have something else to focus on, we might get somewhere. I’d be the size of a house soon if the only way we could talk was over food.
We ordered burgers and fries – knowing it would easily be burned off at training the next day – and as we silently sipped on our drinks, I tried to figure out a way to broach the awkward topic again.
“I didn’t like that Bryce was the one who helped you this morning,” Miguel blurted out, causing me to splutter.
I blinked a few times. “Er… what?”
He cast his eyes down for a second and shook his head. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. I think.” Miguel raised his head again. “What I mean is, and I don’t know why, but I panicked a little. I thought you might be trying to push me away again which was really stupid because after yesterday, I should have known better. I do know better. I just… I wanted to be the one who was there for you and instead of doing that, I backed off. I’m sorry.”
Panic. The way I felt when I thought Miguel was avoiding me. What was up with that? With us? We’d patched things up, ready to move on, but admitting we needed each other had caused a bunch more issues than we’d expected. Instead of supporting each other, we tiptoed around, hyper aware of the fact that we’d taken the comforting thing too far, and no matter how much we insisted it wouldn’t be, it was awkward.
I wanted Leah. I wanted my best friend to wrap me up in her arms and tell me what to do.
I wanted Will, because if he was still here, my life wouldn’t have turned into this mish-mash of complications and feelings that made no sense.
More than anything, I wanted control of my emotions again.
“I gotta say, it never crossed my mind that Bryce would bother you,” I said, eventually. “I considered a l
ot of things, but that wasn’t one of them.”
“Why would it be? It makes as little sense to me as it does to you.” Miguel’s fists clenched. “I can’t stand this, Freya. I hate the way I feel right now. I’m trying to be a friend to you, the friend I’ve wanted to be since Will died, and I’m trying to be okay with what happened between us. Everything’s all upside down in my head. For a while I think what we did was okay. I mean, not okay, but I guess maybe… understandable. Then reality kicks in and I feel like an asshole because there were so many things we should have done differently that night.” When he paused, I reached over and placed my hands over his. Slowly, he unclenched his fists and his shoulders sagged. “What we did was wrong. But if I’d left you, that would have felt wrong, too. No matter what choice we made, it wouldn’t have been the right one. Either way, nobody really wins.”
“Do you think I don’t feel that way too? It’s like I’m not in control of my brain. I’m struggling to keep a grip on everything, and being back at work, difficult as it was, was a major step for me. My first real shot at figuring out how to live my life without Will. I’ve got a long way to go, and now I have something extra to weigh me down. And you know the worst part? I don’t feel as bad about sleeping with you as I should, and that’s what’s killing me. Spending the night with you was the first selfish thing I’ve done since Will died. The first thing I’ve done that was just for me, without considering the consequences.”
Again, Miguel gave an unsure smile. “You couldn’t have just blown a month’s wages on some new shoes?”
I closed my eyes against the laugh that desperately wanted to break past my lips. I felt the corners of my mouth twitching, but just like when Bryce had tried to make a joke in the car earlier, this wasn’t funny. Miguel’s ability to lighten the mood was one of my favourite things about him, but there was so much more to discuss. So much more that was too serious for kidding around.
