by Kyra Lennon
When I lifted my eyelids, Miguel’s smile had vanished. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to check we could still do that.”
“What? Laugh?”
He nodded. “I know you haven’t had many reasons to smile lately, but I miss it. I miss seeing your face light up, and hearing your laugh. I know it sounds corny but you don’t realise how happy a person was until… well, until they’re not anymore.”
It may have been corny, but he was right. And I missed being happy too. I missed being carefree, and I missed how easy life used to be.
“What are we going to do, Miguel?”
He laced his fingers through mine and squeezed my hands. “I don’t know. I guess all we can do is keep being honest with each other. I don’t want to be pushed out of your life again, so if things get too much, if you freak out about what happened between us, or if you just want someone to scream at… I want to be that person.”
I nodded. “Okay. Same goes. I don’t want to feel like I’m losing you either.”
He lifted our joined hands and pressed his lips against my fingers. “We’ll be okay. I promise.”
Chapter 8 – Lost In My Own Life
After my first day back, work slowly got easier. Not gonna lie, there were some days when my anxiety peaked and I had to go home, but those days got less and less and the panic eased. Two challenges faced me daily. Working without Will was the hardest thing, and the biggest battle I’d ever faced. When I looked around for him then remembered he wasn’t there, heaviness pushed down on my chest, crushing down on me until I couldn’t breathe. Every single day I had no choice but to push through, and as much as it crippled me, it also helped me. Helped me face up to the reality that he wasn’t coming back. The days I’d spent hiding at home, I could live in denial. I knew the truth, but I wasn’t opposed to a little magical thinking to get me through the days. Work stole that from me, but it was okay. It had to be okay because I couldn’t pretend forever.
The other challenge was my friendship with Miguel. The friendship itself wasn’t challenging; that was as easy it always had been. Instead of being at Leah and Radleigh’s, I hung out with Miguel more often. That led to more turbulent, guilty thoughts – not only because of Will, but because of the way I’d initially treated Miguel. It had hurt to be near him, but being around him also helped to soothe some of the ache inside me. If I hadn’t been so determined to keep him away, would I have gotten back to work faster? Started healing faster? Maybe it wasn’t him that helped at all, maybe I was just ready to push myself more, but either way, I couldn’t help the constant battle inside my head that told me I was betraying Will somehow by getting closer to his best friend.
Three weeks had passed since my first full day at work, and an event had loomed on the horizon for the past week, a somewhat unexpected one since Cody Rivera didn’t usually make a massive deal out of his birthday. However, since his birthday fell on a home weekend, he’d decided we should all go to the hottest roller disco in town and celebrate eighties style by dressing up in clothes from the time fashion forgot. Sounds a little weird, huh? A famous soccer player wanting to go to a place often frequented by kids and women attempting to recapture the fun of their youth. But Bryce had ratted Cody out with the revelation that there was a hot woman working the bar there, and Cody wanted her as his birthday gift. He’d met her at the roller rink a few weeks before, when he’d taken his nieces skating, and he hadn’t stopped going on about her since. Being the supportive friends we are, we agreed to make Cody’s birthday an event, so on a Saturday night at the beginning of July, I was dressed in a hot pink tutu, black polka dot pantyhose, pink legwarmers, and a black tank top. I’d spent almost an hour crimping my hair and adding a big oversized pink bow to complete the look. My make-up also featured pink eye shadow and lipstick; nobody could say I hadn’t made an effort.
Thankfully, all my friends had gone to an equal amount of effort, and the sight of so much neon attacked my eyeballs until I wanted to squeeze my eyes closed from the glare. Even Leah, who wasn’t even able to skate since she could barely walk, had dressed in retro maternity overalls for the occasion.
“Lookin’ good, Freya!” Leah giggled as she surveyed my outfit. We stood by the bar but faced the roller rink which was already filled with people. As suspected, the place was filled with bachelorette parties; their “Bride To Be” sashes occasionally lit up under the flickering lights. There were also a few groups of guys, eyeing the parties in the hope of bagging a future bridesmaid or giving a bride a final fling. The place kind of reeked of hormones, but it was difficult not to get swept up in the atmosphere. Cody was already leaning over the bar a little way from us, chatting to the woman he hoped to take home, and I laughed.
“He’s not so subtle, is he?”
“Not even a little bit.” Leah watched him as he slid a piece of paper, probably with his number on it, across the bar. “Ah well, it is his birthday.”
“Right, but he shouldn’t be staring at her as if he’s wondering what she’ll taste like smeared in birthday cake!”
Throwing her had back, Leah laughed out loud. “At least he won’t have to think about what to choose for his wish when he blows out the candles!” Her lips twitched. “And, you know, maybe she’ll help him with the… blowing.”
“What’s funny?” Radleigh asked as he and Bryce approached us. Radleigh slipped an arm around Leah’s shoulders, and she looked up at him in a way that showed they’d sorted out their differences. The spark, the unmistakable aura of love around them was back; everything was as it should be.
Leah and I continued to giggle like schoolgirls, and Radleigh and Bryce exchanged a look of amusement.
“If you weren’t four weeks from giving birth, I’d swear you’d been hitting the cocktails already.” Radleigh placed a kiss on the top of Leah’s head.
“No, no,” she answered, still chuckling. “We’re just getting into the old skool feel by acting like adolescents.” She nodded in Cody’s direction and our gazes followed. Cody was now offering the girl his best smile, and possibly trying out some pick-up lines. Lucky for him she laughed at whatever he said, and I was sure he was going to get his wish.
“Ohh,” Bryce said, grinning. “So that’s the girl he’s been talking about. Not bad at all.”
I hadn’t paid much attention to the way she looked, but Bryce was right; she was a hottie. Blonde, slim, with perky boobs that may have been cosmetically enhanced. She had deep blue eyes and a genuine smile.
“She looks familiar,” Radleigh said, his ice blue eyes fixed on her. His grip on his beer bottle tightened as he tried to place her.
Beside him, Leah tensed and her eyes flicked towards me. No doubt what she was thinking. Has Radleigh slept with that woman?
“That’s because she looks like every other woman Cody hooks up with,” Bryce said, unaware of the rising tension. “Her name’s Ashley, I think.”
“Ashley!” Radleigh snapped his fingers then turned to Bryce. “You know who she is, right?” When Bryce’s brow furrowed, Radleigh went on, “She’s Jen’s cousin.”
Bryce’s eyes widened and he slowly lowered his beer bottle from his lips and placed it on the bar. “That’s Ashley? You mean that little girl who used to hang out with Jen at the training ground sometimes?”
Radleigh nodded. “That’s her.”
“Wait,” Leah said, looking up at Radleigh. “Jen? As in your ex-girlfriend?”
I didn’t like the flash of panic that crossed Leah’s face at the mention of Jen’s name, and I hoped this didn’t kick start her insecurities again. Ashley was only Jen’s cousin, after all, not the woman herself. I remembered her, though. Bryce was right; she used to come to work with Jen and watch the players train sometimes. She was much younger then, barely eighteen, but much more sincere than Jen.
“Yeah.” Radleigh glanced over at Ashley again before turning his back on her and pulling Leah in to him. “Don’t worry about it. You know Cody; it’ll just be a one-nighter and then he’
ll never see her again.”
Leah slipped her arms around Radleigh and smiled. “I’m not worried.” She rose onto her tiptoes to kiss him, punctuating her point and making Bryce and I roll our eyes as they headed off into their own little world.
“I think that’s our cue to leave,” Bryce said, placing an arm around my shoulder.
Laughing, I picked up my drink and skates, and we edged around the room looking for the rest of our party. Finding them was easy; they were the enormous group sitting on the huge corner sofa and around the largest table at the back of the room, all pointing and laughing at each other’s outfits. Most of the team and their significant others had showed up, and as we joined them we were greeted with enthusiastic hellos.
Bryce dropped his arm from around my shoulders and took a step away as Miguel stood up, smiling. A laugh burst out of my mouth as I took in his outfit. Faded, ripped jeans with the classic, “Frankie Say Relax” t-shirt. The white shirt was a little tight and clung to his solid frame in a way his clothes usually didn’t. He was more a loose-fitting shirt kind of guy. Aside from the retro-ness, the look kinda suited him.
“You look incredible.” Miguel pulled me into a hug and placed a kiss on my cheek.
My breath caught in my throat at his move, but I shook it off, dropped my skates to the floor and circled my arms around him too. It wasn’t as if we’d never hugged in public before; we were an affectionate group. However, the amount of hours we’d spent together over the last few weeks ensured guilt continued to lurk inside me. Bryce was still the only person who knew Miguel and I had slept together, but when we were around our friends, a constant bubble of fear lingered, fear that they could… I don’t know, smell it on us or something.
“Thank you,” I said as we pulled apart. “You look great too. I love the t-shirt!”
He smiled and shrugged. “It was either this or my Michael Jackson costume.”
I gave him a playful shove. “You do not have a Michael Jackson costume.”
“How little you know me!” Miguel struck a classic MJ pose, spun around on the spot then began an impressive moonwalk, much to the amusement of our friends. He took a bow to the sounds of us clapping, cheering and whistling at his performance.
I did not know he had those moves in him.
“Believe me now?” he asked.
“About the costume?” I laughed. “That’s still a no.”
He shrugged again, and I shook my head, amused. Around us, everyone had gone back to their own conversations, but I nudged Miguel when I spotted Jesse heading towards us, hand in hand with a terrified-looking blonde girl. They were dressed in matching eighties geek outfits, which included rolled-up blue jeans, a shirt and a huge bowtie for Jesse, and a knee-length plaid skirt, a neat white button-down shirt and knee socks for Isabelle. Both wore matching black-framed nerd glasses. As they got closer, Isabelle lowered her head and Jesse gave her hand an encouraging squeeze. Considering he’d already explained how Isabelle shy was, I thought it brave of him to bring her to an occasion that meant she’d have to meet everyone at once. On the other hand, with us all dressed like wannabees from a Madonna music video, it was one heck of an ice breaker. On their way, they stopped off to speak to Leah and Radleigh at the bar, and Isabelle blushed when Radleigh hugged her. They’d already met in London so at least there was one other person around she was familiar with.
“Should we go say hello?” Miguel asked. “Or wait until later?”
“Maybe we should hold off. We don’t want to crowd them. She looks so nervous.”
I felt for her, coming from her quiet British lifestyle into the crazy of Los Angeles, not to mention that her boyfriend was a famous soccer player, and many of his friends had spent more than their share of time splashed all over the news. I’d be intimidated if I was in her shoes.
“Shall we skate?”
I nodded. “Yeah.” I gestured down to the floor where I’d dropped my evening’s footwear. “I brought my own because I’m cool that way.”
With a chuckle, Miguel nodded towards where he’d sat before I arrived. “Me too.”
A few minutes later our skates were on and a bunch of us joined the other skaters as they whizzed around, weaving in and out of the slower movers with ease. I couldn’t recall the last time I’d skated but the moment my wheels hit the floor I sped away from my friends, enjoying the fast pace, figures blurring when I passed. The sound of Journey singing Don’t Stop Believing added to my sense of freedom and I let everything else around me fade away.
Bliss. This was what Bryce meant when he told me to let go. I’d tried and tried, but in the real world there was always something pulling me back. I needed to do something different, to shuffle past a little more of my grief and guilt, and transporting myself back to an era I barely remember unlocked a small part of me that had been in chains since the day Will died. I actually laughed out loud as my feet carried me round and round, my hair flapping wildly behind me.
A night out, a change of scenery. I’d tried those things before, but maybe time was finally beginning to do its thing, allowing some of the hurt to be stripped away and revealing layers of me I hadn’t seen in a long time.
When the song ended I was still laughing as I slowed and rested against the barriers, facing those still skating. The world around me eased back into my consciousness, but I held onto the small piece of joy I’d found; held it tight in my mind and my heart. A camera flashed, and I blinked in surprise then grinned when I spotted Miguel in front of me.
“Sorry.” He slipped his camera back into his pocket, but smiled as he skated towards me. “That seemed like a moment that needed to be captured.”
He was right, and I threw my arms around him and kissed him on the cheek again. “Thank you. I don’t know what just happened but right now, I feel really good.”
Miguel’s hands pressed lightly into my back, sending warm tingles up my spine, and as I pulled back slightly, I noticed his breathing had become a little shallower, his eyes focused intently on mine. My own breathing sped up, my mouth suddenly dry, and I ran my tongue over my lower lip to moisten it so I could speak.
Almost as quickly as it had happened, it was over and Miguel said, “You wanna skate with me?”
There was a husky tone to his question, and all I could do was nod as he took my hand and we started skating again, slower this time.
Please, no.
It only takes a single second to plunge everything back into uncertainty again, and I felt my bubble of happy drifting away.
Warm tingly feeling with Miguel. Not okay. Not okay at all. This hadn’t happened before, not since the night we slept together when I’d welcomed those feelings, any feelings, and let him wrap me up in his affection and given him the same in return.
Well. Maybe it had happened since then. Once or twice when I let my guard down because feeling nothing was almost as unbearable as the pain. But just a moment ago, we could have… kissed. We could have made a tiny move and nothing would have been the same again. Not for me, not for Miguel, not for anyone.
“Freya.”
Staying upright on my skates meant keeping my focus straight ahead, and I was grateful because tears swam in my eyes. I didn’t want to look at him.
“Relax,” he said, his voice soft. “Please. Nothing happened, everything’s the same.”
I gave a single nod, willing myself to believe him, but if he believed it was true he wouldn’t have mentioned it. Wouldn’t have felt it.
“I need a break,” I told him.
We skated to the edge of the rink together but as soon as we stepped off, I left Miguel behind and skated towards the doors.
“Freya!”
It wasn’t Miguel’s voice but Bree’s, and I stopped and swivelled around to face her. Bree actually had dressed as Madonna; she wore a white wedding dress similar to the one from the Like A Virgin video and she looked stunning, as if this was something from her normal, everyday - or night - wardrobe.
“You’re
not leaving, are you?” she asked. “I wanna skate with you!”
She did that thing with her eyes that nobody could ever resist; sweetness radiated from them so I couldn’t say no.
I was still shaky from my moment with Miguel, but if anyone could take my mind off it, it was Bree so I agreed and we rolled back to the rink. Miguel must have gone to the bar because he was nowhere in sight and I tried to relax again.
With her arm linked through mine, Bree said, “Why don’t we come here more often? This place is awesome and you’re a great skater! Why didn’t I know this about you before?”
“Well, I guess because we’ve never been skating before!” I laughed. “I came to places like this a lot when I was a teenager but I’m a little old to do this so often now.”
Bree laughed. “You’re not old, and you seem like you’re having fun.”
I was. Before the weirdness.
Aloud, I said, “I am. I didn’t expect so many people to come along tonight.”
“I know, right? Oh my God, did you meet Isabelle yet? She’s so cute!”
“I saw her but I haven’t met her yet. Miguel and I didn’t want to crowd her.”
Miguel and I. Why did that suddenly sound so traitorous coming from my lips? Miguel and I did lots of things together, it wasn’t unusual for our names to be linked but after what had just almost occurred between us, the connection unsettled me.
So much for Bree taking my mind off things.
Bree’s pace slowed and I glanced at her. Her smile had faded, thoughtfulness replacing it.
“What’s wrong?” Without a word she steered us to the barriers. “Bree?”
Still not speaking, she studied me for a moment, her eyes searching mine.
“Bree, seriously.” I had no idea what she was looking at. Maybe my make-up had smudged. I put my hand up to my face to feel for any abnormalities but everything felt fine.
She shook her head. “Your make-up’s great. That’s not what I was looking at. I wasn’t looking at anything really, I just…”
