The Lies: The Lies We Tell About Love, Life, and Everything in Between

by Christina C Jones

  My response to that was simply, “Thank you. I appreciate it,” and it didn’t leave a sour taste in my mouth.

  It was bizarre.

  “Hey,” Zion said, as the episode ended. He was sitting between us, and looked back and forth to make sure we were listening before he continued. “There’s um... something I wanted to talk to y’all about. It’s kind of why I wanted y’all together.”

  On the other side of him, Scott sighed. “Come on out with it. Don’t drag it out, just make your point.”

  Zion nodded. “Right. So… this summer, there’s this programming course, at Blakewood State. They’re only accepting a hundred kids, from the whole country, and… I want to apply. I think I can do it, and Jess thinks I can do it, and Mr. Mason agrees, and I can even earn college credits if I complete it.”

  “Okay,” I said “So what’s the problem? What’s stopping you from applying?”

  “It costs four thousand dollars.”

  Whew.

  Four thousand dollars?

  The air rushed from my lungs, and suddenly, my throat felt a little tight. “Um…wow. I…”

  “Your mother and I will discuss it,” Scott cut in, obviously sensing that I’d forgotten how to make words. “And if everything checks out, and we come to an agreement, and you’re accepted… I’ll pay for it.”

  My eyes flew to his, widened with alarm. “I’ve been taking care of my son for—”

  “Nobody’s disputing that,” he interrupted, perfectly calm. “But, it’s a small amount, compared to what you did for him when I wouldn’t. If you’ll let me… I’ve got this one.”

  I swallowed hard, trying to keep down the hard, compressed lump of outrage and anger and bitterness that I’d built toward him over the years. He held my gaze steadily, not shying away, and finally, I pushed out a breath, shifting my head to look at something else.

  “Zion,” I asked, after I’d cleared my throat. “The application for the course… do you need any help with it?”

  Immediately, a smile brightened his face, and he shook his head. “No, it’s already filled out! Me and Jess did ours together. She already sent hers off, but I didn’t know…” he didn’t finish that sentence, but I knew what the rest of it was anyway.

  I didn’t know if you’d be able to afford it.

  Not knowing if I’d be able to afford it had been something of a constant in our lives, until very recently, and even now… I didn’t have four thousand dollars to send him to a summer extra-curricular.

  His father… did.

  Which was more than likely the real reason he’d been invited over for this particular day.

  I wasn’t mad at it either.

  As much as I wanted to be annoyed, again, by InstantDaddyTM, I couldn’t manage to find a problem with Scott filling in the gap he’d created. Scott had money – serious money. He’d been born and bred into it, and as an adult he was still surrounded by it, working in the very brokerage firm his family owned.

  I wasn’t going to stop him from doing for his son.

  “Can I go call Jess?” he asked, so excited he was practically vibrating, and I couldn’t help smiling as I nodded.

  “Yes, go,” I told him, and he hopped up and took off for his room, leaving Scott and I alone on the couch.

  Scott was grinning at me, and as much as I didn’t want to, I found myself grinning back.

  “He’s gotta tell Jess,” Scott teased. “Jess helped him with the application.”

  I snickered. “Jess thinks he can get in. And you know he had to look good for Jess’s birthday a few weeks back.”

  “I heard about that,” he chuckled.

  “Zion is only thirteen. He just turned thirteen a few months ago. And yet… I’m pretty sure he probably thinks he’s in love.”

  “Who says he isn’t? He told me he’s known her since they were little.”

  “They’re little now,” I argued, pushing myself up from my seat, and grabbing my wine glass from the coffee table to take to the kitchen. “Which is why I say they might think they’re in love. They’re too young to know what they’re talking about.”

  “I’ve got that,” Scott said as he stood too, picking up the plate from the snack I’d ended up sharing with him. “But uh… are you saying we didn’t know what we were talking about either?”

  I raised an eyebrow, then eased past him to get to the kitchen. “Scott… I really don’t think that’s the line of conversation you want to follow. I managed not to curse you out tonight. Don’t push it.”

  “Maybe a little push is what’s needed though.” He followed me, getting way closer than he needed to be as he put the plate down. “Despite your reaction to it, the hope I expressed the other night remains, Brandi. I’d like us to be able to get along… do things like this more often. Tell me what I need to do.”

  “I’ve told you what you needed to do, Scott. Build a time machine.”

  He let out a wry laugh, and rubbed the top of his head backward, then immediately reversed the action to smooth his waves back into place. As much as things had changed in the years… in so many ways, they were still the same.

  He still had the most perfect milk chocolate complexion I’d ever seen – a trait he’d passed down to Zion. The only physical trait, really, besides the height. Scott had kept the big ears and the crooked smile to himself, but Zion had definitely inherited his charm. Not to mention, I’d done well enough in school, but I wondered if Zion’s affinity for computers had anything to do with his father’s knack for organization, and numbers. Now that he was actually in Zion’s life, consistently at that, their similarities were becoming more apparent. Similarities that may have haunted me if I’d seen them before, while he was still a virtual stranger to Zion, whose absence I’d had to find a way to explain that didn’t put my continued anger in the spotlight.

  But, he was here now.

  “What did you say to him?” I asked, crossing my arms. “At the door, you said something about him knowing that you’d hurt me. What was that about?”

  Scott shrugged, then took a step back, leaning his hip against the counter. “I just told him the truth. I was young, and I was stupid, and it took me way too long correct that. I was a deadbeat… no getting around that. But I’m trying to not be that anymore.”

  I scoffed. “So what… you just woke up one day and decided? I’ve never asked you that, because I was trying to tell myself it didn’t matter. Trying to tell myself that all that mattered was that you were seeing about your son. But I want to know, Scott. What changed?”

  “Honestly?”

  “Please.”

  “I got dumped.” My eyes went wide, and it must have seemed like I didn’t believe him, because he nodded, and repeated himself. “I’m serious. I was dating someone… she asked me if I had children.” His head dropped, and he let out a deep sigh. “I’m not proud of it, but… I said no. We dated for three years, and then I proposed… never saying anything about the fact that I’d lied. Eventually though, it ate me up. I sat down, and I told her the truth, and she cried, and cursed, and smacked the hell out of me, and demanded to know where I found the nerve to call myself a man behind what I’d done to you.” He stopped, and shook his head. “I didn’t have… I couldn’t answer. Didn’t have an answer. And it pissed me off, because she was right, no matter how I’d justified it in my head, and my parents had convinced me I was protecting my future, and all that bullshit. I didn’t have a right to claim I was a man. Now… I’m just trying to do the best I can to correct that.”

  My face twisted in a scowl. “So you only came into your son’s life so you can what… get her back? To relieve your guilt about being a liar? Which, I’d hoped you’d grown out of, by the way, but apparently not.”

  “No, and no. And… yes, I have, actually. I get it if you find that hard to believe, but this – doing right by my son – isn’t about assuaging my guilt. It’s about doing what I should have been doing in the first place. And… there is no “getting her b
ack”, that’s done. I did that, I have to live with that, and with the mistakes I made with you.”

  I scoffed. “Do you even hear how you sound right now, Scott? It really must be nice to suddenly be so goddamn self-aware, have so much humility, and compassion, that you’ve… well, you’ve just forgiven yourself for everything, haven’t you?”

  “It’s not about that.”

  “It sure as hell sounds like it is. You’re moving on, putting the past behind you. You’ve loved, and lived, and… rediscovered your manhood or whatever this bullshit is you’re talking about right now. All I’m getting from this right now is you admitting that you’re a selfish, lying sonofabitch, yet you get to walk your ass into Zion’s life and be a hero, just by virtue of the fact that you were so trash before. While you were making a single man’s mistakes and finding yourself, I was raising your son. So, forgive me if I’m not moved by your little monologue.”

  He shrugged. “I don’t expect you to be, Brandi, because like I said… it’s not about what you seem to think it’s about. I’m not doing this for applause… or approval, for that matter,” he said, with a hard look that made me roll my eyes. “You’ve made it clear that you don’t want too much to do with me, and I can’t do anything but respect that. This is so that my son is a better man than I am, and so that I’m a better man than I was five years ago.”

  “Talk is cheap, Scott.”

  “Worth pennies on the dollar,” he readily agreed, with a solemn sort of nod that made me really look at him. He had changed. The teasing lilt in his voice that made almost everything out of his mouth seem like the funniest joke, was gone, replaced with a grown-man baritone. Instead of a mischievous glint to his eyes, the man had fine lines – probably stress, and late nights at work. He’d probably left a stack of work on his desk, to come over here on a weekday because Zion asked. Traded his button-up and slacks and tie for jeans and a long-sleeved tee – a look that barely looked natural for the pretty-boy aesthetic I’d melted over as a young girl.

  “So I’m going to head on out,” he said, pushing away from the counter, and taking a few backwards steps toward the door. “Keep me updated about this expensive ass summer camp our son wants to attend.”

  I chuckled a little, and nodded. “Yep.”

  There was silence between us for a few moments, and then he closed most of the distance between us. Too close, but not close enough that it felt like a violation. He sighed a little as he looked at me, then shook his head. “I… I’m sorry. I’m not expecting you to say anything, or do anything with that right now, and I know I’ve said it before, but I want you to understand that… I mean that, Brandi. I’m sorry for hurting you the way I did.”

  Instantly, a lump sprang to my throat. I swallowed, then nodded. “Okay, Scott. I hear you. Good night,” I said, hoping he would get the message that now it really was time to go.

  He did.

  And after I’d locked the door behind him, I realized that, for the first of the many times he’d said those words to me since he came knocking, wanting to be in Zion’s life…

  I actually believed him.

  &

  Several hours later, my phone chimed with a new message.

  My first appointment the next day wasn’t until eleven, but I still should’ve been asleep, taking advantage of the opportunity to get in some extra hours. Instead, I’d spent time on the phone with Iris and Gia, lamenting the situation with Scott. After I’d finally let them go, I actually settled into bed, but my mind was running too fast to sleep. Instead, I turned my music up as loud as I could without waking Zion, and passed time scrolling through social media.

  That was, until I got Kyle’s message.

  “Do women just have a random “be on that bullshit” setting you can’t switch off? –K.E.”

  I snickered.

  “Wow. Baby mama drama?”

  “Shit is a constant these days. Stressing me the fuck out. – K.E.”

  “You wanna talk about it?”

  He didn’t text back a response, but a few moments later, his number was on my screen, calling. I hit the button to answer, then laid back in my pillows.

  “So are you gonna answer the question or not?” was the first thing that came out of his mouth, without even waiting for me to say hello.

  “Maybe.”

  He snorted. “Maybe? Maybe you’re going to answer? Or maybe y’all be on bullshit for no good reason?”

  “Maybe… we’re on bullshit for a reason that isn’t clear to you at the time.”

  “What does that even mean?”

  I laughed. “It means what I said. If Audrey is being pissy with you, she has a reason… you just don’t know it.”

  “And that’s some bull! Man… I go to her spot to drop KJ off with his bag, like we agreed. At the time we agreed. Shit we’ve been doing regularly, no problem. Not today though, nope. Today, she decided it was arguing time, and nothing I do is the right thing.” There was real frustration in his voice as he blew out a sigh. “It’s like… I’m just trying to raise my son. Give him the world. And instead of just being cool, she… it’s like she looks for reasons to argue.”

  I burrowed a little deeper under the covers, cheeks growing hot as I thought about how I’d treated Scott earlier. Was he on the phone with some woman right now, venting about the same thing?

  “I get that it’s frustrating,” I told him. “But… you’re gonna have to accept that it takes time for those emotional wounds to heal. And you two were still involved with each other until very recently, and that complicates it further. Makes it even harder. Just keep being an amazing father to KJ. It’s all you can really do, but at the same time… it’s kinda the best thing you can do.”

  “How so?”

  I shrugged. “I mean… your relationship with KJ is honestly beautiful. It doesn’t even compute for me that she could see the two of you together, see how you adore that little boy, and… hate you. It doesn’t make sense to me.”

  The fact that Kyle was an amazing father was quite sexy to me, and probably every other woman who witnessed it in action. I highly doubted Audrey was immune to it either, and honestly speaking, probably played into the way she’d been treating him lately. I’d definitely started shit with a man before, simply because I was pissed off that he’d turned me on.

  So… was that the problem here?

  Was Kyle still dealing with her in that way? Still turning her on?

  “I’ll have to take your word for it,” he said, obviously not convinced. “Anyway… what’s up with you? Why you got the booty call mix playing in the background? Trying to send a message?”

  “What? No,” I laughed, shaking my head. “I’m just… chilling.”

  “Yeah, tell me anything. How was your day?”

  I sighed. “Uhhh… it was a day. An interesting one.”

  “How so? What happened?”

  “Scott happened.”

  Kyle let out a low whistle. “Ah, shit. What’s the story with that?”

  “Same as usual, mostly.” I gave him a quick rundown of how Scott had ended up staying to watch TV, then the stuff about Zion’s course, and our conversation after. “I’m mostly just tired of him trying to act like things have just always been gravy, when they haven’t.”

  On the other end of the line, Kyle sighed. “Damn, B… I really don’t want to take this niggas side, but…”

  I sucked my teeth. “But, what?”

  “I’m just saying… I can sympathize with him.”

  “How?!” I asked, pulling my face into a scowl. “Haven’t you always been in KJ’s life, taking care of him, making sure he had everything he needed? You’ve never been a deadbeat father.”

  “No, I haven’t, but I definitely wasn’t the best partner to his mother, and she holds that shit against me every chance she gets. Me and you talked about this before. I can’t apologize enough, can’t make enough amends for her to stop acting like she was Little Miss Perfect, and throwing the shit in my face at
any opportunity. And it’s like… damn, can I not have learned from my mistakes? Can I not be and do better than I did all those years ago?”

  “But people don’t change overnight,” I scoffed. “Yes, we all grow up at some point, but that doesn’t mean the things you did to someone get magically erased. It’s always shitty people that want unlimited chances to “learn and grow” instead of just… not being shitty.”

  “Nobody is saying anything should be erased,” Kyle argued, sounding exasperated.

  “So what are you saying?”

  He grunted. “Aiight… so, think about it like this. The hairstyles you did… ten years ago. Hell, five years ago. Does it look the same as what you do now?”

  I rolled my eyes, but took a second to filter through my memories. I ended up frowning as I thought about some of the hair trends I’d fallen into, weaves that I thought were bomb, clunky coloring jobs, etc. “Hell no,” I answered. The work I did now was leaps and bounds better.

  “You’ve improved your craft, right?”

  “Right.”

  “Okay, so… what if your salon only let you set your prices according to what you could do back then? What if every time a new client considered you, they could only see your work from five years ago? What if, even though you’ve changed, you’ve learned, you’ve grown… you were always judged on what you used to do?” he asked, and I swallowed hard.

  So… maybe he had a point.

  “Okay, but I don’t pretend that the old stuff didn’t exist. I did it. No matter how ashamed I am now, doesn’t change that.”

  “Right,” he agreed. “Thinking about it is a reminder of how far you’ve come, and where you never want to go back to. The shit you don’t ever want to do again.”

  “Sure, Kyle. But like I said… shit doesn’t change overnight.”

  “Who said it did? You said Scott came back into the picture when Zion was ten, right?”

  “Right.”

  “And Zion is how old now? Thirteen? I know Rob is usually the go-to guy for math, but…”

  “Okay shut up,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I guess I get your little point. I want to talk about something else.”