Kiss Me Like You Missed Me

by Taylor Holloway

  “They tell you all kinds of weird stuff other than your ethnic origins. Mine told me I have a higher than average chance of being afraid of heights. I mean, they can’t tell you for sure about very much, but they give you probabilities.” It was all science I didn’t really understand.

  Cole looked mystified. “But they can tell you that by looking at your DNA?”

  I shrugged. “I guess so.”

  “That’s amazing!” His expression turned somewhat embarrassed. “My mom bought me one of those tests for Christmas and I still haven’t done it.”

  “Why not?” I’d always been curious about by own origins. My dad hadn’t been around in years, and his extended family had disowned us years ago. I just wanted to know where they came from. Ireland, as it turns out. My genetic results were a whopping ninety-three percent English and Irish. The other seven percent were so broadly distributed that they fell within the margin of error. I was basically an Irish peasant. It was no wonder I loved potatoes so much. Or whiskey. “Don’t you want to know where you come from?” I asked.

  Cole’s embarrassment deepened. “I feel too guilty.”

  “Guilty?” I didn’t understand.

  Cole dragged a hand through his hair in what looked like chagrin. “Guilty,” he repeated after a moment. His tone was hesitant. “I feel like I shouldn’t look into my genetic origins. I don’t want my mom to be sad or think that I don’t feel like she’s my real mom.”

  “But she gave you the test as a gift,” I ventured. “Doesn’t she want you to use it?”

  “I know, but what if I tell her that I looked into my genetics and then get really into my ‘real identity’ and then make her feel like I don’t think of myself as her son anymore?” He looked genuinely unsure of what to do. “I’m curious but it feels like I’m betraying her to even admit it.”

  “I’m sure she wouldn’t give you the test unless she knew all that,” I told him. It made sense that Cole would be conflicted if I thought about it. He wanted his mom to know that he still thought of her as his family, not whatever the genetic tests showed. “I’m sure she knows that you see her as your mom.”

  “She is my mom.” His tone was defensive. I got the feeling I was treading on delicate ground. This wasn’t really a conversation I knew how to have.

  “Sorry. That’s what I meant,” I said carefully. I didn’t want to upset him. “I just can’t imagine any not-crazy mom giving her kid a gift that was really some sort of loyalty test. Even unintentionally. She probably just wants you to know your background for health reasons.”

  He nodded. “You’re right. Sorry I’m weird about this,” he said after a moment. “Being adopted comes with all kinds of strange, unhealthy complexes and insecurities.” His admission diffused the tension between us.

  I shrugged. “Don’t worry. I’m weird about all sorts of things,” I told him. “Like heights and feeling inadequate. We all have our issues, right? Lucas’ is Victoria. Ward’s is abandonment.”

  “Inadequate?” Cole asked. I instantly regretted admitting it. I toyed with my cup of cold tea, not answering. Maybe if I pretended to be fascinated with the paper cup, he would move on? When I looked back up at him a moment later, he was still staring at me intently. I sighed. No such luck.

  “Yeah. Maybe inadequate isn’t the right word, but it’s always been Ward who was the talented one in our family. Not that our mom, you know, loves me less or anything. That’s not what I mean. I guess I just struggle with feeling like the extra kid.” I shrugged and stared off in the middle distance before continuing. “I mean, before I was born, our dad was still around. Who knows what would have happened if I’d never been born? Maybe everything would have been different for our family? Maybe things could have been better?”

  I didn’t mention the fact that not being good enough for Cole in college had also taken a huge chunk out my self-esteem, leading me on a year-long journey of self-destruction and depression. He didn’t need to know about that. I’m not sure I’d ever be ready to tell him.

  Cole was silent when I stopped talking. He looked at me with a feeling that I couldn’t imagine being anything but pity. It irritated me. The irritation was a familiar, welcome change.

  “Don’t,” I told him sharply, and he blinked in surprise.

  “Don’t what?” He asked.

  “Whatever pity you’re feeling for me, just don’t.”

  “I wasn’t—” he began.

  “Yeah, you were.” I’d seen plenty of pity in my life. I didn’t want it from him.

  His eyes turned sheepish. “Sorry. I just think you’ve got it all wrong. I think you were probably the glue that held your family together. You’re the one that saved Ward from himself by preventing the bar from going bankrupt. Ward was talented, sure, but he was also lucky. You’re the one with the head for business. When everything was really at risk, you caught the hail Mary pass.”

  I chuckled at the idea. It was mostly wrong, but I liked it anyway.

  “You’re a good person,” I told him, leaning forward to lay my check against his shoulder. “I’m lucky to have you as my friend.”

  He brushed my hair back from my forehead and kissed me. “I’m more than just your friend.”

  I kissed him back, finally feeling better. “Yeah. That too.”

  I wanted to believe him. He said so many things that I desperately wanted to believe, but this was on a whole different level. I didn’t admit my insecurities easily. I hardly did it at all. I wouldn’t have done so now except that my panic attack in the condo tower had stripped off a bit of my emotional armor. The more time I spent around Cole, the more I wanted to show him of myself. But even though I adored him, even though I was starting to trust him, I knew there was a risk. Cole might not like what he saw.

  29

  Kate

  That evening and all the following day I had to cover both Ward’s and my shifts at the bar, but I invited Cole over for dinner the next night. I even cooked a meal for us. He arrived right on time, with bottle of wine in one hand and more flowers in the other. Roses this time. They were lovely.

  “This looks great,” he told me when we sat down. I smiled nervously.

  “I’m not exactly the world’s greatest cook,” I told him. “If you hate it, we can order pizza or something.”

  I’d made one of the few dishes that I knew how to prepare, could use a crock pot with, and thought was date-worthy: pot roast. It wasn’t exactly fancy, but it was wholesome and good. As a bonus, it made the whole house smell good.

  “I’m sure it’s going to be great,” Cole told me, happily digging into his food. He was such a big guy, I was glad I’d bought almost three times as much meat as I would if I was cooking just for myself. Feeding Ward had always been a challenge for my mom—he was always hungry—so I’d learned to simply take what I thought was a reasonable portion and triple it. It seemed to work well.

  “How do you like the dealership world so far?” I asked between bites. I’d nailed this pot roast. It was really tasty. I’d never been so relieved.

  Cole smiled but his eyes looked somewhat panicked. “I like it, but I’m overwhelmed,” he told me. “I’m glad I’ve got good general managers in place, but there’s a lot for me to learn.” He smirked. “In hindsight, I should have tried a bit harder in my business classes.”

  “You didn’t have time,” I replied, and he nodded. Ward and Cole were on the road almost constantly during football season, and then any remaining time was just as busy when they were training.

  “That’s true. I’m just going to be playing catch-up for the next year or so as I figure out what I’m supposed to be doing.”

  “You’ll get the hang of it.” I didn’t have any doubt about Cole’s abilities. He was loads smarter than Ward, and even he had caught on to business ownership eventually. It couldn’t be that hard.

  “I hope so,” Cole said, smiling at me with a vague look that I interpreted as a mixture of exhaustion and excitement. “At least i
t’s keeping me busy.”

  “Well if that changes, you’re always welcome to pull a shift or two at the bar,” I offered with a wink. “I know the manager. I can hook you up.”

  “If I go bankrupt, I’ll be taking you up on that offer.” His tone was wry.

  “Did you get my roadster yet?” I teased.

  “You mean my coupe?”

  I rolled my eyes. He grinned back at me.

  We’d fallen into this relationship so quickly, and so perfectly, I could barely believe it. It was almost like we had been made for another. His easy humor seemed to be a perfect match for my teasing sarcasm. His open optimism balanced my natural negativity. And maybe I offered him some perspective and honesty about the world that he never developed in his otherwise privileged life.

  “I sent my testing kit back,” Cole told me as we were washing the dishes together.

  “That’s great!” I was glad to see that he’d decided to figure out where he was from.

  “Where in the world do you think your family is from?” I asked.

  Cole shrugged. “Apparently I was born in the US,” he told me. “In Michigan. My mom said she had a closed adoption through a private charity so there’s no real way to find out any information. I’m hoping that I’m part Samoan.”

  I smirked. “Samoan?” I’d never thought of that.

  “Yeah, you know, like The Rock.”

  “Do you just want to be related to The Rock?” I teased.

  He grinned. “He’s a talented guy. And he has superior genetics.” I couldn’t disagree with that.

  I squinted and turned my head to the side, searching Cole’s features for similarities. “I guess I could see it, a little bit.” It seemed like a bit of a stretch, but I didn’t want to disappoint him. “Maybe?”

  “What do you think I’ll find out?” he asked.

  I shrugged. I honestly had no idea. The amount of time I’d spent thinking about Cole’s beautiful, symmetrical features was possibly unhealthy, but I truly had no idea where he was from. I didn’t really care, either, except that I wouldn’t mind going there and admiring the people.

  “I hope you find out that you have a decreased risk of all the bad diseases,” I finally told him. “That’s the most important thing.”

  He nodded. “I’m nervous about that,” he admitted. “I don’t need to find out I have any genetic predisposition to Parkinson’s disease or Alzheimer’s diseases or anything like that. I’ve already had enough damage to my brain to spike my chances of having issues later in life.”

  “At least you retired before it could get any worse,” I told him. I touched his arm in an attempt to comfort him. “Just think, ten years ago, no one really understood the risks.”

  “You’re right.” He shook his head in disbelief. “You know,” he added, “if I had a kid in high school today, I’m not sure I would even let them play football.”

  “Really?” Even though there were real dangers associated with the sport, I couldn’t imagine not letting a kid play. “Even if it was their dream?”

  He sighed. “I don’t know. It’s a hard question. When I was sixteen there was nothing on earth that I wanted more than to play football in the NFL. I’m not sure I would have let anything stop me.”

  When I was sixteen, there was nothing on earth that I wanted more than you. I didn’t say it. It would have probably just made him think that I was a crazy person. But here he was, in my condo, washing out my wine glasses. Patience had never been a virtue that I possessed, but somehow it seemed to have paid off in this case.

  “Nothing did stop you.” My voice sounded proud, even to my own ears. Cole smiled at me, but then his smile faltered. Something was going on in his mind, but he wasn’t sharing it.

  “What?” I asked, taking a step closer and pulling his hands around my waist. “What are you thinking about?”

  He blinked. “You.”

  “What about me?” I didn’t understand why he was frowning all of a sudden. But then he was kissing me, and I forgot my question entirely. There was only Cole and me, in my kitchen. The rest of the world could be burning to the ground, foreign armies could be invading, or it could be raining frogs, and I wouldn’t care. As long as he kept on kissing me, everything was perfect in here.

  30

  Cole

  Six years ago…

  After the disastrously bad date that I took Kate on, I avoided Ward for almost a week. It wasn’t an easy thing to do. We lived together, trained together, and played together. The fact that I managed to avoid being in the same room with him in all that time was an achievement. One that backfired massively. Eventually he cornered me in our apartment. He closed the door to my room behind him and looked me square in the eye. Every muscle in my body tensed up.

  “I know what you did,” he said. His voice was serious, and his expression gave nothing away.

  My heart was hammering in my ribs in a way that would probably kill poor Lucas if he got this worked up. Ward was actually going to murder me. Right here. Right now. This moment was the end of my life. There was a textbook in his hand and he was probably going to bludgeon me to death with it. The coroner’s report would say that I had my brains bashed in with algebra textbook. What a humiliating way to die. Death by math. I hoped they didn’t put that on my tombstone.

  “I, uh…” There was really nothing to say. I might as well accept my fate. If he knew, there was no escape. “I’m sorry.”

  Ward sat down in the chair across from me. “You did the right thing.”

  I swallowed hard. What was happening? My fear was mixing with my confusion in a way that made me feel lightheaded, weak, and unreal. I still wasn’t able to speak, so Ward continued. I struggled to keep up with him.

  “Kate’s really upset,” he told me. “It’s for the best, though.”

  “How—” I stuttered, and Ward cut me off with a gesture.

  “Lucas sold you out, obviously. He was worried that you couldn’t keep a secret, so he told me himself. But I’d already figured it out by then anyway. Hell, I figured it out before either of you did.” He smirked at me like I should find this as funny as he clearly did.

  Ward had a bad habit of making his intelligence known at the most inconvenient times. It was great in football, and terrible in person. He really was quite brilliant when it came to strategy. That’s what made him such a good quarterback.

  “S-sorry?”

  Ward’s smirk turned into a full grin. “Did you really think I didn’t know what was going on with you and Lucas? That you two could skulk around with your little top-secret plan and I wouldn’t catch on?”

  I made a noise that was not a word, but sounded vaguely like a denial, and Ward laughed at me. Being laughed at should have made me annoyed, but in that moment, anything that wasn’t a beat down felt like a victory.

  “Dude, I’m not mad at you!” He shook his head at me like I was a total moron. “Stop acting like I’m about to jump you with a tire iron again.”

  “You aren’t?” I still wasn’t sure I believed him. This could all be some sort of a trick to make me incriminate myself.

  “No!” He laughed again. “I couldn’t have planned that better myself. You did the right thing.”

  “I did?” My voice was an octave higher than usual and it broke halfway through. It was like I’d become fourteen again.

  “Yeah.” Ward sat back in his chair and regarded me with a look that did seem to be approving. “I’m glad you ran Kate off like that. She needs to focus on her school work, not chasing football players.” He rolled his blue eyes at me. “I know my sister pretty well, you know, and not just because I read her diary once. She’s had a huge crush on you for years. Ever since you gave her those daisies when you apologized for the glitter. She’s convinced herself that she’s in love with you.”

  Kate was in love with me? My heart hurt. I didn’t deserve to be in the same room with her.

  Ward couldn’t contain his laughter. “I know, right?” He se
emed to think the idea was simply hilarious. “She’s just a kid though, don’t hold it against her.”

  “I don’t think she likes me anymore,” I managed to say. At least I could be honest about that.

  “Well that was the point, wasn’t it?” He arched an eyebrow at me.

  “Yeah. That was the point.”

  “So why do you still look guilty then?”

  Because I want her. I want her so badly that I can’t think of anything else. I think about her from the second I wake up until the moment I fall asleep, and then I dream about her all night long.

  “I don’t know,” I lied.

  “Lucas said you would be weird about this,” Ward told me. He was still smiling. “I guess I didn’t realize just how weird that could be.” He was still smiling, clearly thinking I was still afraid. I wasn’t. Fear had given way to a guilt so powerful that I wanted to crawl under a rock and die.

  “Look,” Ward was saying as he rose and turned to go. “Don’t worry about Kate. She’s tough. She’ll be fine. She’s going to mope around for a week or so and then she’ll probably hate you forever, but she’ll move on.”

  The thought made me want to throw up. Ward grinned and shut the door behind him, pleased as punch. I wished that he had just beaten me up. It would have been kinder than telling me the truth.

  She loved me.

  31

  Cole

  Present day…

  I held Kate in my arms and kissed her, wondering if anyone had ever been as lucky as me in the history of humanity. I was the living pinnacle of human luck. And I was fairly certain that I was about to get even luckier.

  Kate’s light blue dress was soft under my hands. It hugged her curvy figure, tightly around her perky chest to her narrow waist, and then flaring out again at her full hips. As pretty as the dress was, I was very ready to see what was underneath. I lifted the hem of Kate’s skirt brazenly, running my fingers up along the back of her silky soft thighs to her round, perfect ass. She shivered up against me as I did, spreading her legs apart to grant me access and leaning into my chest. Her little sigh of satisfaction was sweet, but not as sweet as when I gave her plump ass a good squeeze. Her body was pure perfection.