Kiss Me Like You Missed Me

by Taylor Holloway

  “I need help.”

  “So Google it.”

  “Come on Kate.” He made puppy dog eyes at me. That might work on Emma, but it would never, ever work on me. Especially these days.

  “What would you do if I got hit by a bus?” I asked, arching an eyebrow at him. Even through my heartbroken haze, I could scrape together enough feeling to be annoyed at my brother. “You’d be totally unable to pay Willie.”

  Willie, who was next to me at the bar, looked over in mock horror. “We can’t have that,” he chimed in.

  “Yeah but Willie knows how to do payroll,” Ward argued. “If you know, and Willie knows, why do I need to know? You can both just cover for each other.”

  “Oh I dunno, maybe because you own this place?” I countered. “What if both me and Willie got hit by a bus?”

  “I’d probably just shut down.” Ward’s face was unexpectedly serious. He had taken the joking suggestion literally. I bit back a comment. Ward might be annoying sometimes, and he might be helpless when it came to payroll, but he loved me.

  But this was also exactly why I was worried. Ward relied too much on me. Surprisingly, it was Willie who answered Ward,

  “You had better not,” he told my brother. His voice was chiding, and he looked unimpressed. “I sold you this place specifically, so you would keep it open. You’d be breaking your word to me if you closed it. I’d have to rise from the grave and come haunt you until you reopened.”

  Ward and Willie exchanged a significant glance, and whatever passed between them was beyond words. Ward nodded after a moment and Willie glanced away, seemingly satisfied. Whatever that had been about, Willie had obviously won.

  “Then we’re good,” Ward said to me a second later. “Ghost Willie can do payroll if you both die.” He shrugged.

  I sighed. “Come on,” I told him, rounding the bar and heading towards the office. “Let’s go take a look at it. I’ll walk you through everything again.”

  Late that evening, when the bar had gotten quiet just before closing, I caught Lucas and Ward talking in the corner. They fell silent when I came close, and I instantly knew they were talking about either Cole or me. I cringed but curiosity got the best of me, as always.

  “What is it?” I reluctantly asked. “What are you two talking about that you don’t want me to hear?” I pulled up a chair and sat down with them, waiting on the answer.

  Lucas looked at Ward, who was staring resolutely at the ground, and then at me. I saw indecision flit across his face before he decided to answer. “Cole’s not doing so great these past few days,” he told me. His voice was uncharacteristically soft. “I think he misses you.” After a moment, Ward nodded. He wasn’t looking at me, and his face was blank, but I could tell he was listening carefully.

  Cole misses you.

  Cole loves you. Deep down, you know he does.

  My heart throbbed in my chest, telling me lies just like Lucas was. I shook my head to clear it from the surge of memories and thoughts. The numbness descended again, cool and cleansing. Once again, I felt remote and distant, like I was watching a movie of myself.

  “He’ll get over it,” I told Lucas. My voice was totally unemotional. “Cole’s a great guy. I’m sure he’ll find someone new soon.”

  It should have hurt to say those words, but it didn’t. I wasn’t feeling a thing. If I didn’t let anything around me be real, I didn’t have to imagine him in another woman’s life. Or her arms. Or her bed. Hysteria rose again, along with bile in my throat. I took a deep breath and pushed the images down and the jealously away.

  Don’t melt down, I ordered myself. Breathe. Keep it together.

  “I don’t think he wants someone new.” It wasn’t like Lucas to talk about feelings—his or anyone else’s—so I should have been shocked. Yet in the moment, I couldn’t muster the appropriate disbelief or grasp its significance.

  “Are we still talking about Cole? Or is this about you and Victoria?” I asked the question to distract him. As usual, mention of Victoria did the trick. His eyes filled with the same helpless emptiness I saw in my own every morning in the mirror. The fact that he’d been dealing with this emptiness for months penetrated my haze enough to make me feel a bit guilty. “Sorry Lucas,” I told him. “I’m just not up to talking about this right now.”

  Lucas shrugged. Like me, he’d gotten good at wearing a mask that made him appear like a normal, functioning person. It was only now that I was broken that I saw it for what it was. Lucas was still suffering over Victoria all this time later. He hadn’t recovered at all. I could only hope I would heal faster from Cole than he had from Victoria. I wasn’t sure how long I could keep this act up.

  40

  Kate

  I’d only been trying to protect my heart. By being smart and mature, I thought I could spare myself from pain this time. My plan had been solid, and my execution had been good, but I still miscalculated. It turns out that you can’t protect your heart from being broken if it was never yours to begin with. My heart had always been Cole’s, and he took it with him when he left. My chest was just an empty void. Again.

  It’s funny how things turn out. You think you can control things, and fate will find a way to prove you wrong. I’d never been more wrong in my life.

  Experience had made me stronger than the last time Cole stole my heart, however. This time I was able to keep up a semblance of normality. As the weeks rolled by, I went to work, I learned to smile, and I fooled the world. Even Emma and Lily seemed to buy my act. They knew I wasn’t thrilled that my relationship had come to such an early and decisive end, but neither was going to question my decision. They respected my ability to make decisions for myself. They were on my side, even when my side was stupid and lonely.

  Even your closest friends can be fooled if you’re willing to outright lie to them. They didn’t see, couldn’t see, that I was empty on the inside. Every day was a struggle to seem whole when I was hollow. My emotions rattled around in the empty cavity in my chest, but everything felt muted and fake. I couldn’t feel anything without my heart.

  I put my condo on the market. I hadn’t wanted to move, but after I drove Cole away, I couldn’t look at my house the same way. It felt haunted by him. I could smell him in my sheets no matter how many times I washed them. I could see him in my kitchen. I could hear him down the hall. It was unbearable.

  The condo sold within days, and for much, much more than I expected. A bidding war between two all-cash buyers drove the price up well above asking—well above market price, really. Not that I was going to complain. Because all of a sudden, I had enough money to open my boutique.

  Lily and Emma helped me to scout out the right location. We drove all around central Austin looking for the right shopping center. We ended up choosing a trendy district in east Austin, where the rent was still reasonably low, but the vibes were good. It was even right next to my absolute favorite coffee bar and bakery. I signed the lease on the storefront with shaking hands, Emma and Lily by my side. Even the badass red power suit I was wearing—complete with oversized 1980’s shoulder pads—couldn’t quell the feeling that I was an imposter when the landlord handed me the keys.

  “Do you have your business plan completely worked out?” Emma asked after we left the property management office. We’d gone around the corner to the bakery and were celebrating over cupcakes and caffeine.

  My cold brew had no bitterness, but my face still twisted. “I think so.” It was a daunting thing, writing a real business plan and then having to execute it. I was going to be a one-woman show for a while, although Emma had already promised to help man the register when I needed help. “I’ve got to start selecting fixtures and inventory next.”

  “I’m so proud of you,” Lily told me, smiling brightly from ear to ear. “This is what you always wanted and you’re making it happen. When are you quitting the bar?”

  I looked down at my cupcake and bit my lip. I had no answer for that. “I haven’t even told Ward abo
ut selling my condo yet.”

  Once again, I’d sworn Emma to silence on something that I knew her husband-to-be would want to know about. I hated doing it, but having my best friend engaged to my brother wasn’t easy. I still needed my friend. Emma promised me that she and Ward had discussed that Emma would occasionally keep things about me to herself, but it still worried me.

  “You should probably tell him soon,” Emma prompted me gently. “He needs to find a new manager.” Her expression was supportive and kind, but I knew that she wouldn’t stay patient forever. Ward’s business depended on me right now.

  “You’re right. I’ll tell him tomorrow,” I resolved. “When I go in for my shift.”

  Lily and Emma nodded approvingly.

  All my professional dreams were coming true, and in a bizarre way, it was because of Cole. If he hadn’t come back into my life, I might have continued on the way I was forever. I’d have just kept working in Ward’s bar, under his shadow. I loved my brother dearly, and I appreciated and valued everything that he’d done to help me over the years, but I needed to be independent from him. I needed my own career and my own life. And now, finally, I was going to have it because of Cole.

  “Did you get Lucas’ new app?” Emma asked me, drawing me back to the conversation at our table.

  I’d been avoiding Lucas and Ward because they talked to Cole. “No, what is it?”

  “It’s a dating app. Here, let me show you.” Emma grabbed my phone off the table and installed something (she knew all my passwords). “It matches people based on musical preferences.”

  “Musical preferences?” It sounded kind of lame to me. I’d never found taste in music to be particularly tied to whether I found a guy attractive or not.

  Emma looked excited though. “Yeah. It’s cool. The app grabs your social media profiles and your streaming music data and feeds it together into some kind of an algorithm. It’s very counterintuitive, but he showed me some of the beta testing data and the early results are really interesting.”

  “Hmm. I don’t really want to answer a bunch of questions and sort through a bunch of losers.” I wasn’t really sure I understood anything Emma had been talking about with the algorithms, but I could just delete the app later.

  “Don’t worry,” Emma added, “you don’t have to answer any questions or sort through losers. The app does all the work for you. The first test group had all the ranking and sorting stuff you’re used to, but Lucas just put out a new version. Now, if the app detects someone it thinks you might be compatible with, it will alert you and show you their picture. That’s it.”

  Considering that my musical taste was eclectic in the extreme, I doubted it would ever find me anyone. “Well I hope he makes a billion dollars with it.” I shrugged.

  “It matched me and Ward together without knowing who we are,” Emma said. I raised an eyebrow.

  “It also matched me and Ivan,” Lily said. She shook her head and her orangey red hair shook from side to side with the force. “I absolutely loathe Ivan’s music, too. Danish death metal is sooo not my scene.”

  “Well then he probably will make a billion dollars with it,” I admitted. If anyone could be described as having the golden touch, it was Lucas. He was smarter than was good for him some of the time, but I didn’t begrudge him for it. Unlike a lot of super smart and super successful guys that I’d met in my time, Lucas was still very down to earth. At least, he was unless his ex was involved. Then he was unbalanced. Hopefully he would eventually find someone nice. Victoria certainly didn’t know what she had with Lucas. He would have done anything for her.

  Thinking about Victoria and Lucas made my head hurt. I was as lovesick for Cole as Lucas was for Victoria. At least Cole deserved to be heartbroken over, I told myself as I picked at my cupcake. That wasn’t much, but it was something.

  The next morning, I found Ward behind the bar as always. We weren’t open just yet, so we could actually talk.

  “Hey, I have something important to tell you,” I told him, kissing him hello. He didn’t reciprocate my greeting and I paused. “Are you ok?”

  He stared straight ahead like a zombie until I waved my hand in front of his face.

  “Ward?”

  He blinked and shook his head slowly from side to side. His eyes were wide. “Willie’s retiring. He’s leaving.”

  My jaw went slack. “What?” Of all the things that Ward could have told me, that was one of the most shocking. Willie had frequently said that he planned to work at the bar until he either died or won the lottery. Sometimes he threatened to come haunt it after he was dead, too. I wouldn’t put it past him.

  “He’s moving back to Lubbock with Nancy. They’re getting remarried.” Ward delivered the news with as much sadness as Willie’s death would have warranted, although it should have been happy news. He stared down at the note I hadn’t seen clutched in his left hand. “He gave me his two weeks’ notice.” I was worried that Ward was actually going to cry.

  Willie had started this bar in the early seventies. It had been his pride and joy, second only to his son, Willie Junior. Considering that his son didn’t speak to him, the bar was his life. Willie sold it to Ward, not because he needed the money or wanted to be out of the business, but because he wanted to see it go on to the next generation. He continued working here, day after day, year after year, because he really, truly loved the Lone Star Lounge.

  But Willie wasn’t just a professional mentor to Ward. He was a friend and a father figure. Willie had helped Ward through a number of personal and professional struggles over the years, mostly just by listening. Willie was a tremendous listener. And he never judged anyone. Ever. Losing Willie, and having him move away, was going to be an enormous life change for Ward.

  “I can’t believe it,” I told him, hugging Ward tightly. “It’s all gonna’ be ok.”

  He hugged me back for a long moment. Even though we were siblings, we didn’t hug very often. It felt nice. When he drew away, his face looked a bit less horrified.

  “At least I’ve got you,” he told me. My heart twisted. I had to tell him now, it wouldn’t be right to wait another moment.

  “Ward, I—”

  Bang. Bang. Bang. Someone slammed a heavy fist against the front door. “Hey!” Lucas’ voice was muffled, but it was definitely him. “Ward! Kate! Willie! Let me in. I know you’re in there.”

  Ward rolled his eyes and headed toward the door. “I’m coming!” He hollered. “Keep your wig on Lucas!”

  “I’ve got something really important to talk to you about, Ward,” I called out. He nodded at me seriously.

  “Later ok? Let me see what’s got Lucas all worked up.”

  Ward unlocked the door and let him in. Lucas was grinning from ear to ear.

  “I’ve got news!” He announced. Lucas was wearing a suit jacket at noon. That never happened. The man lived in worn out jeans and t-shirts.

  Ward and I exchanged a worried glance. It seemed like everyone had news today.

  “What?” Lucas said, his enthusiasm dimming for a second. “What’s wrong?”

  “Is your news good?” Ward asked. Lucas nodded enthusiastically. I prayed he hadn’t eloped with Victoria or something similarly crazy.

  “Tell us your good news first,” I told Lucas. “Then we’ll tell you our bad news.”

  “I’ve found a buyer for my app.” He was grinning from ear to ear.

  Holy shit. That was fast.

  “Congratulations!” Ward and I said in unison. Ward shook Lucas’ hand and I gave him a little hug. I knew the guy had been working night and day on his project, even if I’d only learned what it was yesterday.

  “This deserves a toast,” Ward told Lucas. He fished a bottle of champagne out from the cooler.

  “No!” Lucas cried, causing Ward and I to jump. “No toasts yet,” he continued in a more normal tone. His eyes went wide, and he looked around fearfully. “We don’t want to jinx it.”

  Ward laughed and slid the bottle
back in. He rolled his eyes at Lucas. “Alright. Fine. Be superstitious. We’ll drink it when you formally sign the deal.”

  “Who’s your buyer?” I asked Lucas, “are you allowed to tell us or is it all still super-secret?”

  He bobbed his head up and down. “It’s super-secret but I trust you two. It’s a private equity group out of New York. They have a number of similar companies in their portfolio, so this is a natural acquisition for them. Hopefully we can come to an agreement that has me staying on as CEO for at least five years—that’s what I want. They’re going to be sending down their valuation team in a week or so with a small army of due diligence lawyers.”

  I couldn’t very well pretend to know what that meant, and nothing involving ‘an army of lawyers’ sounded good, but he was smiling. I just smiled and nodded along. “That’s exciting,” I told him. “I’m really happy for you!”

  Lucas looked like he was about to explode from excitement. “I can barely believe this is happening.” He shook his head in total disbelief. “If I can pull this off, everything is really going to change.”

  Lucas meant this in a positive way, but when I looked over at Ward, I could see that he was not nearly as enthusiastic about all this change. His face was smiling, but it was a brittle, frightened type of smile. It was a panic smile. I hated knowing that I was about to make it that much worse.

  41

  Cole

  Lucas called to invite me to his victory party at the bar that evening and I couldn’t very well tell him no, even though it meant I might see Kate. It had been almost an entire month, but I wasn’t sure I could be in her presence without falling to my knees and begging her to take me back. Needless to say, it took me a long time to work up the courage to drive to the Lone Star Lounge that evening.

  The bar was unusually busy, so I had to park a few blocks away. I sat in my car for a while before going in, just trying to work up the nerve. While I was sitting there trying to find my strength, my phone pinged. I looked down to see that my genetic results had been processed and uploaded. Curious, I opened up the app and took a look.