Selby Surfs

by Duncan Ball

  ‘I-I-I know, Mr diSwarve. B–But I’m your greatest fan.’

  ‘Yeah, right.’

  ‘I am. I’ve got posters of you all around my house.’

  ‘So what? Lots of people have them. Could you just leave me alone … please?’

  ‘This is sooooo embarrassing!’ Selby thought. ‘Why doesn’t she just go away?’

  ‘I’m also the president of the Dino diSwarve Fan Club.’

  ‘You’re pulling my leg.’

  ‘It’s true,’ Camilla said weakly. ‘I wouldn’t lie to you, Dino.’

  Selby could see tears forming in Camilla’s eyes.

  ‘Like the Australian Dino diSwarve Fan Club?’

  ‘Well no. The Bogusville Dino diSwarve Fan Club.’

  Dino laughed. ‘What, all six of you?’ he said.

  ‘Actually, I’m the only one in the club,’ Camilla admitted.

  ‘Camilla! Don’t do this to yourself!’ Selby thought. ‘He’s treating you like dirt! Just stay away from him!’

  ‘I heard the argument you had with Bonnie Blake,’ Camilla said. ‘And I think I have a book you might like to read. Here. It’s very popular with the kids. Of course I can’t give it to you because it’s the library’s copy. But you can borrow it.’

  Dino took the book in his hands.

  ‘What is this? Even You Can Act. Are you kidding? This is an insult!’

  ‘No, no, no, Camilla,’ Selby thought, covering his eyes with one paw and shaking his head. ‘You’re making it worse and worse. Forget the book. Just go away.’

  ‘I-I know this sounds silly giving a book on acting to a super-famous actor,’ Camilla said. ‘But I think it’s really very good. There are a lot of acting tips in it that they don’t even teach in acting school. It says so on the back cover. Look. Remember, no matter how much we know about something we can always learn more.’

  Dino leapt to his feet and threw the book on the floor. ‘Get out of here!’ he screamed.

  ‘But I love you,’ Camilla pleaded, the tears now streaming down her face. ‘I want to go away with you and live in Hollywood. You’ll like me when you get to know me. I want to marry you, Dino.’

  ‘Rack off you … you … you librarian you!’

  Camilla cried even harder and ran from the library. Selby followed her down the street to Bogusville Park. There she sat on a park bench, weeping.

  ‘Poor, poor Camilla,’ Selby thought. He climbed up next to her and lay down. ‘That guy was so cruel to her! I should have bitten his leg off!’

  ‘Selby,’ Camilla sighed. ‘You sweetie. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you came here to cheer me up.’

  ‘I did, Camilla,’ Selby thought. ‘Believe me, I did.’

  Camilla patted him.

  ‘Remember when I chucked a wobbly in the library?’ she said. ‘You were there then, too. It really helped. Remember Gary Gaggs’ corny jokes? He’s so funny.’

  ‘That’s the kind of guy for you, Camilla,’ Selby thought. ‘Not some dumb, short, movie mega-star who can’t act for beans.’

  ‘Oh, Selby Selby Selby, what am I going to do? Why does life have to be so sad?’

  ‘Life doesn’t always have to be sad, Camilla,’ Selby thought. ‘Oh, how I wish I could just talk to her and tell her that she’s the one who’s making herself sad. I’ve got it!’ Selby thought again. ‘Maybe I could get Camilla and Gary Gaggs together. They’d be perfect for each other.’

  With this, Selby jumped down and ran back to the school. He ducked into an empty classroom and found some paper and a pencil.

  And this is what Selby wrote:

  I have always liked you. Please come away and talk to me. I will wait for you at the park at the end of the street.

  Your friend,

  Camilla

  PS: Please tear this note up and never mention it to anyone.

  ‘Now all I have to do is give it to Gary,’ Selby thought.

  The filming had started again in the library. This time Dino was acting very shy and using the words from the script as Gary Gaggs and a hundred others watched quietly.

  It was a stealthy Selby who sneaked up to slip the note in Gary’s hand.

  ‘Bonnie, darling, we’re going to get that hair of yours moving, okay?’ the director called. ‘Okay, keep the scene going you two. Hey, somebody turn on the wind machine.’

  With Gary’s hand hanging down to his side, Selby sneaked up from behind and slipped the note between his fingers. He then ducked back into the crowd, unnoticed. But just as the note touched Gary’s hand, the wind came up and blew it away. It tumbled over and over on the ground …

  Gary looked down at his hand to see what had touched it and then raced forward, snatching the note from the floor. He read it in silence before turning to see if he could catch a glimpse of the mysterious messenger.

  ‘What’s he going to do?’ Selby thought. ‘Come on, Gary! Go to the park!’

  Gary read the note again. After the third time he tore it up and hurried off down the street.

  ‘Yessssssssssssss!’ Selby hissed as he ran after Gary. ‘It worked!’

  Gary found Camilla sitting on the bench.

  ‘Camilla,’ he said.

  ‘Gary?’ she said back.

  ‘I don’t know quite how to put this.’

  ‘What is it, Gary?’

  ‘Well I-I …’

  ‘Yes, Gary?’

  ‘What a lovely dress you’re wearing.’

  ‘Do you like it?’

  ‘Yes and I like you too,’ Gary said very quickly.

  ‘Oh, Gary,’ Camilla gushed.

  ‘When I wrote the script for the film I was thinking of you.’

  ‘You were? I was the librarian? I was Bonnie Blake?’

  ‘Yes, and guess who the man who really wanted a girlfriend was? Me. I can get up and tell jokes to hundreds of people but I’m really very shy. I was too shy to tell you how much I liked you. That’s what made me think of the story for the film,’ Gary explained. ‘And now … well, here we are.’

  ‘Yes, we are, Gary,’ Camilla said, reaching out and taking his hands in hers. ‘You’re such a lovely person. And you have such a wonderful sense of humour. Could you tell me a joke?’

  ‘Sure. Do you know how scientists weigh whales?’

  ‘No, how do they, Gary?’

  ‘They take them to a whale weigh station,’ Gary said with a great laugh. And then he put his thumbs in his armpits and strutted around like a chicken saying, ‘Woo! Woo! Woo! Sorry, but I like to do that when I tell a joke.’

  ‘I love it!’ Camilla said. ‘Tell me another one.’

  ‘Did you hear the one about the bloke who put egg whites in his gun? He wanted to make a boom-meringue. Get it? Woo! Woo! Woo!’ Gary said. ‘Get it?’

  ‘Boom-meringue?’ Camilla said. ‘Oh, I get it.’

  ‘I don’t get it,’ Selby thought. ‘Oh, I know, you make meringues with egg whites! That’s great!’

  ‘How about the two ants who ran away and secretly got married? They were ant-elopes. Woo! Woo! Woo! Then there was this train that liked to eat all the time. It was a chew chew train. Woo! Woo! Woo!’

  ‘This is fantabulous!’ Selby thought as he trotted off towards home. ‘Gary’s jokes are wonderful! He’s the perfect guy for Camilla. I’m sure they’ll make each other very happy.’

  And so it was that Gary Gaggs and Camilla Bonzer fell in love and had a wonderful time together.

  * * *

  Gary looked down at his hand to see what had touched it and then raced forward. But he was too late. The paper made its way between the legs of the camera crew and lodged in the open copy of Even You Can Act that lay at Dino’s feet.

  ‘Cut!’ the director called. ‘That’s a wrap for the day. Okay, kids, you were great. Your limos will pick you up at six tomorrow morning.’

  Dino picked up the book and saw the note.

  ‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought. ‘He’ll think it’s from Camilla to him.’

&
nbsp; Dino read the note and then tore it up, throwing the pieces on the floor.

  ‘He’s torn it up. Good,’ Selby thought. ‘Now to write another one and get it to Gary Gaggs. Hmmm, how will I do it?’

  Selby was just searching for more paper and another pencil when he noticed Dino hurrying off down the street towards Bogusville Park.

  ‘I can’t believe it! He’s going to be nasty to Camilla again!’ Selby thought. ‘But not if I have anything to say about it! I’ll fix that useless little twerp!’

  Selby raced after Dino but didn’t catch up to him until the actor had reached the park bench where Camilla sat weeping.

  ‘Camilla,’ he said.

  ‘Dino?????’ she said back.

  ‘I don’t know quite how to put this.’

  ‘What is it, Dino?’

  ‘Well I-I …’

  ‘Yes, Dino?’

  ‘What a lovely dress you’re wearing.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘I’m really here to apologise for being so rude to you,’ Dino said very quickly. ‘It was unforgivable. I was just so tense because I couldn’t play my part in the movie. Bonnie was right, I really didn’t know how to do anything but play myself.’

  ‘I shouldn’t have said anything,’ Camilla said. ‘It’s just that I really wanted to meet you.’

  ‘That book saved my life,’ Dino said. ‘I had a look at it during our break. It’s true that it was aimed at kids but some of the things it said about acting were … how can I say this?’

  ‘You learned some important things, did you?’

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘Well, you’re forgiven, Dino,’ Camilla said. ‘I think we’ve both learned something important today. I learned that I shouldn’t fall in love with mega-super-movie stars.’

  ‘Camilla …?’ Dino said.

  ‘Yes, Dino?’ Camilla said back.

  ‘I think I love you.’

  ‘You do? How is that possible?’ Camilla said, taking his hand in hers.

  ‘I don’t know but that’s how I feel. Would you like to come dancing with me tonight? That lovely dress would be perfect to wear to a fancy nightclub.’

  ‘But there aren’t any fancy nightclubs in Bogusville, Dino. There aren’t even any un-fancy ones.’

  ‘I have my private jet. We could fly off to the city and dance till dawn. How about it, Camilla?’

  ‘Oh, Dino, Dino, Dino, of course I’d love to. This is my dream come true.’

  For a moment Camilla and Dino stood, hand in hand looking into each other’s eyes.

  ‘Well,’ Selby thought, ‘this wasn’t exactly how the note was supposed to work but it certainly worked. Oh, isn’t it lovely (sigh) that Camilla’s wish came true.’

  And so it was that Dino diSwarve and Camilla Bonzer danced the night away. When the movie was finished they moved to Hollywood where Dino continued to be a mega-super-star and Camilla started a library for movie stars and filled it with books about movies and acting and actors.

  Author’s note: This is the way Selby told me this story. He told me both endings. When I begged him to tell me how it really ended he said, ‘Take your pick.’ Only when I told him that I wasn’t going to put it in this book did he tell me the real ending. Believe it or not, the real ending was the one about Camilla and Dino getting together. But there was more to it.

  After a while Camilla got tired of Dino and tired of living in Hollywood. She started her library but found out that actors never came in to borrow books — they were too busy going to the movies and watching TV. She left Dino and moved back to Bogusville where she and Gary Gaggs fell in love.

  Well that’s what Selby told me so

  I guess I have to believe it.

  Paw note: She’s right. Read about it in the story ‘Books, Bombs and Book Week’ in the book Selby Spacedog.

  S

  Paw note: For more about me and Bonnie, read the story ‘Selby Lovestruck’ in the book Selby Snowbound.

  S

  SOOP-ADOOP-ALOO

  ‘What? Tear down the public toilet at the sports ground?’ Aunt Jetty gasped. ‘You can’t just ditch a dunny like that!’

  ‘We have to,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘It gets vandalised every week. The council can’t afford to keep fixing it.’

  Selby peered out from under the lounge as Aunt Jetty’s dreadful son, Willy, and his equally dreadful brother, Billy, ran around the house looking for him.

  ‘Where’s that doggy?’ Willy squealed as he tore by. ‘I’m gonna get him!’

  ‘You can’t just get rid of a toilet because someone paints a rude word or two on the walls,’ Aunt Jetty said. ‘Willy and Billy play footie at that field every weekend. How are they supposed to go to the loo if there’s no loo to go to?’

  ‘They can wait till they get home,’ said Mrs Trifle.

  ‘You’re the mayor,’ Aunt Jetty said. ‘Get a council worker to paint over the graffiti every now and then.’

  ‘It’s not just graffiti. Someone is plugging up the toilet, too.’

  ‘With what?’

  ‘Sticks, frisbies, school uniforms, you name it.’

  ‘Then catch them and have them arrested.’

  ‘I’m not going to ask a police officer to hide in the loo all week hoping to catch the culprit. I’m sorry but it’s going to be goodbye PCRF.’

  ‘PC what?’

  ‘PCRF. That’s council talk. Our technical name for a public toilet is a Public Convenience Relief Facility.’

  Later, when Aunt Jetty and her sons were safely out of the house, Selby crawled out from under the lounge, and Dr Trifle emerged from his workroom.

  ‘Did I hear you say that you were going to dump the dunny at the sports ground?’ Dr Trifle asked.

  ‘I’m afraid so.’

  ‘Well I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about toilets recently and it seems to me that what the world needs is an un-graffiti-able, un-plug-up-able public loo.’

  ‘I’m sure that’s true.’

  ‘Well you may be interested to hear that I’ve already drawn up the plans and I was just about to make the first one.’

  ‘What a wonderful coincidence,’ Mrs Trifle said.

  ‘That’s what I love about Dr Trifle,’ Selby thought. ‘While other inventors are thinking about computers and space travel, he invents inventions that really matter to people. While their heads are in the clouds, his head is in the toilet. Only I’m not sure that’s the right way to say it.’

  Two weeks later Mrs Trifle came home to find Dr Trifle in the backyard standing next to a big square metal box taller than he was.

  ‘Have a look at my newly invented SDP for the PCRF at the sports ground,’ Dr Trifle said, flinging open the door and revealing the very strange looking toilet inside.

  ‘Your SDP?’ Mrs Trifle said with a frown.

  ‘My Super Duper Pooper,’ Dr Trifle said.

  ‘Oh, I’m not sure about the name. Perhaps you could call it an SDL,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘A Super Duper Loo. Even better, make it an SAA: a Soop-Adoop-Aloo.’

  ‘That sounds good,’ Dr Trifle said, handing Mrs Trifle a can of spray paint. ‘Now step inside and write something rude on the wall.’

  Mrs Trifle stepped into the loo and sprayed the words DR TRIFLE IS A — and then stopped.

  ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘I can’t write anything rude about you dear. Besides, I don’t know any rude words.’

  ‘Oh, go ahead. You’ll think of something.’

  Mrs Trifle hesitated and then finished the sentence. It said:

  DR TRIFLE IS A SILLY BOTTOM

  ‘Charming,’ he mumbled. ‘So that’s what you think of me.’

  ‘I don’t really think you’re a silly bottom, dear,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘In fact you’re a very clever bottom.’

  ‘Okay, watch this,’ Dr Trifle said.

  Suddenly there was a gurgling and a bubbling and water streamed down the inside of the walls washing Mrs Trifle’s words away.

  �
�That’s fantastic!’ Selby thought. ‘Automatic self-cleaning toilet walls! Dr Trifle is brilliant!’

  ‘How did you do that?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

  ‘Simple. The walls are painted with my newly invented anti-graffiti paint, Graff-Rid. The Loo-Brain does the rest.’

  ‘The Loo-Brain?’

  ‘That’s what I call my automatic control system. When someone puts paint on the walls it knows it and sends special chemicals streaming down to wash it off.’

  ‘But what if the vandals scratch the words in the paint?’

  ‘Try it,’ Dr Trifle said, handing Mrs Trifle a nail.

  Mrs Trifle tried to scratch her name into the paint but couldn’t.

  ‘Goodness!’ she exclaimed. ‘This paint is very hard.’

  ‘Graff-Rid is made with a powder of the same super hard metals as space vehicles. This paint would stop a rocket.’

  ‘Dr Trifle has to be the smartest person in the whole world!’ Selby thought. ‘No one else could make a loo that would stop a rocket?!’

  ‘This is all absolutely wonderful, dear,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘But the biggest problem with the PCRF at the sports ground is that someone is plugging it up.’

  ‘I’ve thought of that,’ Dr Trifle said, handing Mrs Trifle an old worn out beach towel. ‘Go ahead, flush this down the loo.’

  Mrs Trifle threw the towel into the toilet and flushed. For a minute the water rose. Then there was a sudden series of sucking and gushing noises followed by a big gulp and a huge burping noise as the towel disappeared.

  ‘Why that’s wonderful!’ Mrs Trifle exclaimed. ‘But what about bigger things?’

  ‘This big?’ Dr Trifle asked, handing her a basketball.

  ‘That’s silly. A basketball can’t fit down a loo.’

  ‘Try it.’

  Mrs Trifle put the basketball into the toilet and flushed. Selby and the Trifles watched and listened as the water rose. The series of sucking and gurgling noises increased and, finally, with the basketball stuck firmly in the bottom of the toilet, there was a huge pop! and the ball shot out of the toilet followed by a gush of water.

  ‘It didn’t flush,’ Mrs Trifle said.

  ‘But it didn’t clog up either. If something refuses to go down the hole then the pressure reverses and it pushes it out. The Loo-Brain has a mind of its own which makes this toilet unplugable. Well it’s not a mind mind, just a little doover that ticks over when the pressure gets up to the red zone. Then the whole cycle goes into flip-flop mode and then whammo splasho ploppo out comes the basketball. It’s a flush or fling toilet.’