Forever Red

by Carina Adams

  “I ran into him last weekend. We’ve been talking.”

  “Ah.” Her gaze turned cold. “So, you’re saying now that my son has made something of himself, you’re interested.”

  Wow. I shook my head. “That is not what I am saying,” I snapped back at her. “We are two old friends catching up.”

  “Good. Because, you being here without an explanation is hard for all of us, but poor Molly doesn’t need to see it.”

  Poor Molly? The question was on the tip of my tongue, but I didn’t want to ask the woman in front of me for any information. She saw my face, though, and supplied the answer I didn’t want to hear. “Hasn’t Nate told you? About him and Molly? Huh. Isn’t that somethin’?” Then she stepped around the island and closer to me as if she was going to share a monumental secret. “They’re trying to keep it quiet. The press will eat them alive if they knew. That’s why Molly hasn’t been staying here. Trying to keep up appearances and all.”

  For a quick second, I believed her. They had been rumored to be together and I’d seen her tell him she loved him before the show. But then I remembered that Molly had seen us leave the bar together, and she knew firsthand that we were locked on his tour bus alone last weekend. Maybe she hadn’t known I was here, but she had to know that we were sleeping together. Neil didn’t strike me as the kind of man that would have an open relationship. And he’d told me himself he was single. Until that moment, I’d never thought about the fact that moms were women, too, and played the game better than anyone.

  So I smiled as nicely as I could. “Molly shouldn’t be worried, Patty. She was with Neil last weekend and I had drinks with both of them so she knows exactly what is going on here. Just two old friends, catching up.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “That better be all it is. You weren’t good enough for him then, and after what you put him through, you aren’t good enough for him now.”

  I smiled, debating the scenario in my head. This is where the girl she remembered would turn around and walk away, avoiding a scene at all costs. I hadn’t been that girl since the day I left Neil without saying goodbye.

  “You don’t know me. You never did. You found out where I lived, heard some vicious rumors, and decided from the start that I wasn’t good enough for your son. So you know—”

  “Is that what you think?” She barked out a bitter laugh. “That I didn’t like you because you were poor? Darlin’, I came from nothing. If anything, I would have liked you more because of that. No, I didn’t like you because you took him away. Family is the most important thing to that man, has been since he was knee high to a grasshopper. But then he found you and we no longer mattered. Not us, not his sisters, not his brother, and not his grandpa’s farm. The day rose and set on you.

  “The problem was that I could see you didn’t have staying power. First sign of trouble and I knew you’d run. He loved you enough to leave us, to move away his last year at home, and almost lose this place.” She swung her arm around the room. “He would have given up anything for you because he loved you that much. And you?” Her face turned into a sneer. “You let him give it all up. Someone that cares about someone doesn’t let them lose themselves. And then, the cherry on the top? You cheated on him while he was working his ass off to get back to you. And then, you not only mortified him, you ran away and hid! You are nothing but a selfish bitch. I—”

  It was my turn to interrupt, slapping my hand on the counter. “You should maybe get your facts checked before you come to me spewing your attitude.” Her mouth fell open, surprised at either my outburst or the fact that I had leaned into her face. “I. Did. Not. Cheat.” I accentuated each word with another smack of my hand. “I loved him. I wanted to marry him. I did not cheat on him.” I inhaled sharply through my nose. “I let him think I did, yeah. I saw an opportunity, and I took it. It was fucking stupid and I wish I could take it back. But don’t you ever think that what I did wasn’t for him. I did what I did so he could have the life he has now.”

  “Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night.” Patty’s face had turned murderous. “My son has—”

  “Has what, Ma?” Our head snapped to the side in unison. Neil was standing in the door, watching us, but his eyes were glued to his mom. “I’d really like to hear what your reply to that is.”

  She tipped her head, the blood draining from her face. “Honey,” she started, stepping toward him.

  He held up a hand. “Are you going to finish what you were saying?” His voice was cold, colder than I’d ever heard it and she simply shook her head. “Then I think you should give Lia and me some privacy.”

  “Nate.” Her voice was soft and pleading, and for the first time ever, I felt sorry for her.

  He shook his head once. “I’ll talk to you later.” And with that, he moved his eyes to me, dismissing her. He didn’t say anything, just stared at me, making my heart pound so loudly I was sure he could hear it. Finally, he held out a hand. “I think we’ve avoided it long enough, yeah?”

  I nodded. We had put off this conversation too long. Twelve years too long.

  I moved around the island slowly, placing my hand in his. Instead of turning and leaving the room like I thought he would, his empty hand closed around the back of my head and he pulled me to him, lips landing on my forehead. It was sweet and supportive, and it made me want to pull him close and sob into him, letting every one of the hurts out. When he finally pulled back, the hand slid to my face and his thumb moved back and forth on my cheek while he stared into my eyes. So much was said in that one look that I didn’t feel like we needed to have our chat anymore. But then he turned and left the room, tugging me behind him.

  He’d shown me the basement quickly the day before, but we hadn’t spent any time down there. The cement walls were covered with wide pine boards, giving the entire space an earthy smell. The area had been divided into three parts; half the basement had been turned into a recording studio and was closed off, a quarter had been turned into a sauna, and the second quarter was Neil’s “mini man cave.” It had two leather couches facing each, records decorating the walls, and a bar nestled in the corner.

  I thought he’d move in that direction, but he walked straight into the studio instead. Once we were in the section he’d told me was the sound booth, he turned and locked the door. His need to lock the rest of the world out, at all times, usually confused me. But this time, I understood.

  He pulled out two stools and sat on one, pointing at the other. I sat, unease filling my belly as I waited to have the conversation I’d had in my mind hundreds of times. What had seemed so easy when I was driving in my car or running down a path was anything but, and I didn’t know how to start.

  Thankfully, Neil didn’t let me suffer too long. “We are not leaving this room until we say whatever needs to be said.” His eyes moved over my face, searching for understanding. I knew we needed to do this, but it didn’t help ease my fears that this might be the last conversation ever. “No one can hear us, so it’s just you and me.” He assured me, misreading my nervousness. “Tell me.”

  I bit the inside of my lip. “How much did you hear?”

  He shrugged, breathing a long, slow breath out. “Enough to be pissed at my mom for a while.” He shook his head when I began to object, because her issue was with me. “I’m still pissed at you,” he started, leaning away from me abruptly. “Not when you’re with me ‘cause I forget. It’s so normal having you around. It feels right, like it’s how it was supposed to be. But then I remember it isn’t normal, and I remember why, and I’m fucking angry. I’ve hated you for a long fucking time, Lia.”

  My heart wasn’t pounding ferociously because it had stopped working altogether. I felt it seize and knew that this was it. I was going to die right here, in this closed off little room. And the coroner would say cause of death would be a broken heart. Eh, maybe that sounded dramatic, but it was the truth. I was pretty sure I was dying.

  Then, Neil finished his thoughts. “It wa
s the only way to remember that I didn’t love you so fucking much that I couldn’t live without you. Hating you was the only way that I survived. I don’t want to hate you anymore, Red.” Air rushed out of my lungs so fast I almost fell off the stool. My heart decided that was the perfect moment to beat again, thumping a deafening rhythm in my ears. “Tell me,” he repeated.

  So I did. I told him about Craig’s role in The Game and how I came on to him before we started an affair that cost him his fiancée. I explained his reappearance in my life and the conversations at the diner. I talked about the necklace and the reason I kept it. I was honest about everything, good and bad.

  Then I described those last few weeks from my point-of-view; how I’d seen the stress of life eating away at him, feeling like I was the cause of it. And I relayed the feeling of horror at hearing his conversation with Nikki and how I couldn’t let him give it all up for me, but I didn’t know how to make him hear me.

  I admitted that I was a coward because when the opportunity came, I ran with it instead of just talking to him. I’d run because I didn’t want him to come after me. That’s why I changed my name and hid from him. I wanted him to have the life he had now, the life he was meant to have.

  Last, I spit out the cold, hard, bitter truth. I left for me. I loved him, more than anything. And it scared the shit out of me. More than that, though, was the knowledge that he loved me just as much. If he’d given up everything for me, if he had sold his grandfather’s farm just to stay with me, then I knew one day he’d wake up and hate me. I couldn’t have handled it. I wouldn’t have survived if Neil had left me.

  Through it all, he sat and listened. Sometimes, his brows wrinkled in a massive frown; other times, he looked like he was ready to murder someone with his bare hands. At the end, though, he just looked sad.

  “That’s what you think?” he asked me softly once I was completely done. “That I’d have given up everything and then blamed you?”

  I nodded, dragging my teeth over my bottom lip to keep from tearing up. I hadn’t cried yet; I didn’t plan to.

  He slid off his stool and dropped to his knees in front of me, gripping my hands in his. “Lia, when are you going to realize that you were my everything?”

  It was the wrong thing to say and tears burned the backs of my eyes. He leaned forward slightly and tipped his head up to meet my eyes. “I wasn’t giving up the farm. I was spouting off at Nikki because she was being a selfish bitch. I didn’t mean any of it, and if you’d just told me, I would have explained. Nikki has never loved it here like I have and she wanted out. So I bought her half. I would have done it even if we’d been together.”

  Realization dawned on me then, the conversation making more sense. He’d screamed at her and told her to “sell it,” but I’d assumed he’d meant his half too. Fuck me. I was even more stupid than I’d realized. All I could do was mumble a weak, “I’m sorry!” before I started to cry.

  He stood, engulfing me in his arms, rubbing my back. “Baby,” he murmured, “all this time and it was because of that?”

  I only sobbed harder, nodding because he was right. He held me until the last tear was dry. When I finally hiccupped and sat back, running my hands over my cheeks, he sat back on his stool, looking very serious and very mature.

  “That’s fucked. This,” he started, moving a finger between the two of us, “was never just a pathetic high school fling. If it was, it’d be gone by now. I don’t look at April and wonder what would have happened if we’d stayed together. I don’t wonder what she’s doing every second of every day. I don’t look at her and immediately get hard thinking about her noises and her body. I think about you at least a hundred times a day, sometimes a shit ton more. I see you and I instantly want to throw you over my shoulder and tie you to my bed, just because I’m never going to get enough of you.

  “I don’t give two shits about how young we were, and maybe that’s ‘cause down here, you marry your high school love because you know you’re never gonna get better. Maybe it’s because when you smile at me, I don’t remember my own goddamn name. But I think it’s ‘cause you are my one. The love that my Gramps used to sing songs about. We were just the lucky fucks who found each other early.

  “I still love you. As much as I did the day you ripped out my heart. It never went away.” He sounded so broken, so damaged. “It’s been two days and I already can’t stand the idea of you not being here every day.”

  “Nate,” I muttered, needing him to understand. “I came here to say goodbye.”

  “I know.” Then he gave me that smile, the one that was mine. “Now, I’m asking you to stick around for a while. Come on tour with me.”

  I gave him a sad smile. “I have school. I can’t run away with you, as great as it sounds.”

  His eyes lit up in delight. “Not right now. But when the year ends. Come with me.”

  I shook my head. “I work during the summer.”

  “Work for me. Nikki’s going out on maternity leave and April can’t come because of her family. So, I need to hire someone anyway. You’d actually be doing me a favor.”

  I smiled then, happy that he hadn’t offered to pay my way. “Isn’t there some rule about not sleeping with your employees?” If not, there should be.

  His smile turned into a full on grin. “You’re coming with me.” Shit. I guess I was. “You’re really coming?”

  I nodded, sighing as I tried to figure out how to tell the girls that not only was I sleeping with a music superstar, I was going on tour with him.

  Before I could dwell on the thought, he pounced. Ripping off my clothes and lips sucking at every inch of skin he could find before lifting me and carrying me to the couch in the corner. He left me for a second, coming back as naked as I was, before covering me again. He pulled my legs apart playfully, killing my laughter when he pushed into me with an intensity I’d only ever found with him. He drove us both toward the edge, faster and faster, but when his knuckles circled around my clit, I fell apart. He followed seconds later, my name on his lips.

  I didn’t want to move. The couch was scratchy against my back, the cushion had half fallen out so the wooden frame was digging into my ass, and Neil might not look like he weighed a lot, but his deadweight was crushing me. However, I was the most comfortable I’d been in years.

  Neil must have been content to stay right there, too, because he didn’t try to move. When he finally did adjust his body, it was to lean down and capture my mouth with his. Breaking the kiss, he leaned his forehead against mine and just stared. I was going to be just as bad as the seniors, counting down the days until the end of school. I didn’t know where this would go, but I did know that Neil was in it with me.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  ~ Nathaniel ~

  “It’s the worst fucking idea in the history of bad fucking ideas!”

  I turned to Finn, giving him a sympathetic look just as Nikki’s purse went flying by his head. I sat back on the couch and glared at my sister. “No, it’s brilliant.”

  My sister put her hands on what used to be her hips pre-baby, and narrowed her eyes at me. “She doesn’t know the first goddamn thing about the music industry. Or managing you.”

  The “she” in question was Lia. Nikki needed to go on leave and she needed to do it yesterday. Her doctor was extremely clear about that fact, and even if she didn’t want to hear it, she was taking a mandatory break. At this point, working from home was no longer an option. No, she was on full-fledged bed rest until the little cowboy – or princess – made an appearance. I thought knowing that I was in good hands would sooth her, but it had only made matters worse.

  “I swear to fucking Christ, Nathaniel Carlton Kelly, you don’t have the sense the good Lord gave a squirrel.”

  “It’s just for a few months, Nik. Calm down.”

  “Calm?” she screeched, stomping her foot. “Don’t tell me to calm down.”

  I didn’t know what else to say because everything made it worse. When a
vein started popping out on her neck, her husband stood. “Yes. Calm down, damn it.” At his authoritative tone, Nik immediately stopped worrying her hands and dropped onto the couch. Finn hardly ever got angry, but when he did, people paid attention. He walked to her, bending down to her level, and put a hand on her swollen belly. “You’re getting all worked up over nothin’ and the baby needs you to be calm.” She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “That’s it, baby. Deep breaths.”

  It took a few minutes, but the change in her was visible. It was like someone dropped a veil and my sister was suddenly back. She turned, smiling at me. A genuine smile that I hadn’t seen directed toward me in months. “Promise you won’t miss me too much?”

  I laughed. “You’re not getting rid of me, kid. That’s my nephew you’re cooking in there.”

  “Niece,” she countered. She pushed herself up, and tapped her husband on the cheek. “I’m going to go rest a spell.”

  Finn grabbed a couple of beers, handing me one as he sat next to me.

  “I’m moving Noah to bass. And Tex to steel…” I stated.

  “Why?”

  I popped the top, tossing it onto the table next to me. “Because Noah knows the songs without even trying and Tex is the only one that can cover steel.”

  “No, man. Why are you taking my spot?”

  I stared at my brother-in-law, confused. “Nikki’s leaving the tour,” I answered, but he only nodded. “So are you.”

  That made him scowl. “I’ve never missed a tour and I’m not gonna abandon you in the middle of one now.”

  “The hell you ain’t.” I scowled back. “Your wife needs to be on bed rest. You tellin’ me you don’t wanna be with your wife when she needs you?”

  “That’s not what I’m sayin’.”

  I knew it wasn’t. I didn’t know a man that loved his wife more than Finn did. He was the guy that would go without if that meant his wife had what she needed and wanted. He took care of her, always putting her before himself because that was the kind of man he was.