Laughter at the Academy

by Seanan McGuire

  @boo_peep (19:50): The current owners of the house, Harry and Jenna Connolly, have agreed to this UNPRECEDENTED ACCESS because the house…

  @boo_peep (19:51): …which was the site of SEVENTEEN BRUTAL MURDERS in 1903, is to be torn down at the end of the summer.

  @boo_peep (19:52): We will be the first and last people to film there. And it begins in EIGHT MINUTES. Follow #connollyhouse for all the terrifying details.

  @boo_peep (19:55): RT @screamking Ha ha can’t wait to see you run out of there in tears.

  @boo_peep (19:55): .@screamking oh please you’re totally going to be the first to snap. :) :) :) @screamqueen and I will be first in/last out. #horrorgirls

  @boo_peep (19:56): RT @screamqueen You tell ’im! GIRL POWER 4EVR.

  @boo_peep (19:57): .@screamqueen You know it girl. ;) You + me = the TRUE ghost hunters.

  @boo_peep (20:01): HERE WE GO! #connollyhouse #thebigscare

  @boo_peep (20:03): Front porch. Cold—too cold for July. Lots of dead leaves. No spiders. Sort of weird. Rest of the island is WEBBED. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:04): Key doesn’t want to work. What, @deadhot, have you never unlocked a door before? #connollyhouse #haha

  @boo_peep (20:06): RT @deadhot Bite me. I got it open. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:08): WOW. I hope you’re following the video feed, horror fans! You can FEEL the cold in the living room. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:09): The porch was chilly but this is FRIGID. I can see my breath. Definite paranormal activity here. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:10): RT @screamqueen Don’t call it that I think the movie people trademarked it. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:10): .@screamqueen LOL #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:12): Getting serious now. @screamking setting up PKE meters, thermostats. If anything comes through here, we’ll know. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:13): There’s a feeling of palpable menace in this room. I so believe that seventeen people died here. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:15): I think the roof is sagging a little. There’s something weird about the corners. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:20): OH MY GOD TELL ME THAT CAME THROUGH ON THE VIDEO. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:23): Fuck. Video didn’t pick up noise. Everyone here heard it. Like fingernails on crystal. Eerie and hard. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:25): Fifteen minutes in the entryway. House hasn’t told us to get out yet. Shall we go deeper? #connollyhouse #yes #yesweshall

  @boo_peep (20:27): RT @screamking We need to split up. @boo_peep, you take @deadhot. I’ll take @screamqueen. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:27): RT @screamking We’ll meet up here in half an hour. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:28): @screamking Aye aye sir! #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:30): Since @deadhot has our camera, I get to keep the text feed going! Aren’t you lucky, followers? #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:32): The hallway is even colder than the living room. Feels like we’re walking into a freezer. I want a coat. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:33): There are pale patches on the walls where pictures used to be. The wallpaper is patterned with little white flowers… #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:33): …and scratches that look like writing, but not any language I know. Ugh. So creepy. No wonder the Connollys snapped. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:36): While @deadhot gets some good atmosphere footage, here’s a little history: the Connolly family built this house in 1843. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:38): The Connollys lived on Peaks Island for sixty years. They were well liked. Good neighbors. Until the day… #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:40): …when they invited all the neighborhood children over & slit their throats in a ritual that has never been decoded. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:42): Since that day, neighbors have reported strange sounds, sightings around the house. No one has lived here since the deaths. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:43): And here’s the best part: the Connollys themselves, Shawn and Sarah, were NEVER FOUND. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:44): Maybe their ritual worked, and they have gone to join their demonic masters. Maybe we’ll find out today. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:46): CAMERA FEEDS ARE ONLINE! The video can’t convey the sense of frozen menace in this room. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:48): Everything looks normal. Outdated, but stuff you might find in your grandparents’ house. But it’s not normal. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:50): I know that’s so Blair Witch of me—there is an evil here oooOoooOoo—but it’s true. This room isn’t normal. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:51): It’s like it still remembers what happened here, and hasn’t forgiven, or maybe it hasn’t stopped waiting. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:53): Waiting for it to happen again. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:55): Ha ha ha woo that was sort of off the rails, wasn’t it? That would be a story for our competitors. ‘Boo Peep cries boo hoo.’ #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:57): But I think it says something that none of our competitors asked if they could come here. They knew this was the real deal. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:01): Sometimes it’s easier to chase fake ghosts than real ones. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:02): RT @deadhot Uh Peep you wanna lighten it up a little? LOL you’re so dramatic. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:03): .@deadhot Bite me, fanboy. You feel it too. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:04): Something is really wrong here. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:06): Something is wrong with the way the walls fit together. I can’t…I can’t explain any better than that. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:10): WHOA BREAKING NEWS. @deadhot opened what he thought was the pantry, found stairs to basement. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:12): Air coming up from basement actually WARMER than air in kitchen. Maybe somehow connected to outside??? #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:13): SHOULD WE GO INTO THE BASEMENT OF THE MURDERHOUSE?! Tweet me, Y or N! #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:16): …wow, that was fast. I guess the choice is easier when you’re not the one in the murderhouse. :/ #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:18): .@screamking @screamqueen Hey we found a basement & put it to an audience vote. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:20): .@screamking @screamqueen Long story short it looks like we’re going to go down. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:22): .@screamking @screamqueen Want us to wait for you??? #connollyhouse #strengthinnumbers #somethingiswrong

  @boo_peep (21:23): RT @screamking you go on ahead @screamqueen and I found something up here a library #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:25): RT @screamking all the books are still here so many books I have to know what they say #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:28) .@screamking LOL okay I guess I should’ve known we’d lose you if you found any weird writing. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:29) .@deadhot I guess it’s just you and me. Let’s get this party started. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:30): Here we go. @deadhot is starting down w/camera and flashlight, I am following. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:32): Walls almost warm to touch. The bannister feels slick, slimy, like running hand along a giant salamander. #connollyhouse #somethingiswrong

  @boo_peep (21:34): Where does that tag keep coming from? Technical glitch? NOTHING IS WRONG. This is AMAZING. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:35): We are so privileged to be here. No one has breathed this air in decades. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:37): Not that it’s not terrifying in here. The walls are wrong, and too slick. The air tastes like pennies. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:40): I thought the water table was close to the surface on the island, but we’re still descending. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:46): That noise again from behind us, somewhere far behind
. Like nails on hard crystal. Makes my teeth hurt. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:50): How are we still descending? How is this possible??? #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:53): Stairs are angled oddly. Feels almost like we’re climbing. LOL not possible. Basement must be v. deep. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:55): Getting warmer. Glad I don’t have coat. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:58): This isn’t right. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (22:00): .@deadhot Does it feel like we should have reached the bottom by now? #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (22:00): RT @deadhot I guess they built this place on the bedrock. We’re probably below sea level. Creepy. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:59): …good thing Maine isn’t known for its earthquakes. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:58): .@screamking @screamqueen You guys okay up there? Basement is weird. Seem to be going UP. #connollyhouse #somethingiswrong

  @boo_peep (21:56): .@screamking @screamqueen We’ve been going down stairs for half an hour, still not at the bottom. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:54): RT @screamking no no everything is good everything is wonderful we have it under control. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:52): RT @screamking don’t come to the library my sister is resting right now you might wake her shhh. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:50): .@screamking Um, okay, naptime in the haunted house? That’s a little hardcore for @screamqueen. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:48): RT @screamking she can eternal lie. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:45): .@screamking Whatever that means. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:42): Something weird with time stamps. Can’t focus on it much. Walls here DEFINITELY warm to touch. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:40): When I hold a light up to the wall, I can see same weird scratch marks as in wallpaper upstairs. #connollyhouse #somethingiswrong

  @boo_peep (21:39): It looks more like writing here, in the dark. It looks like it makes WORDS. #connollyhouse #somethingiswrong #helphelphelp

  @boo_peep (21:36): Okay there have GOT to be technical issues. My time stamps are wrong, & those are not my hashtags. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:35): IGNORE THE HASHTAGS THEY ARE LYING TO YOU. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:33): Stairs continue to slant down, but feel so much like we’re going up. Doesn’t make sense. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:30): Feels like we have been walking for a long time. @deadhot feels same way. #connollyhouse #weshouldntbehere

  @boo_peep (21:25): WHAT WAS THAT SOUND. #connollyhouse #weshouldntbehere

  @boo_peep (21:23): Something is SCREAMING up ahead in the dark HOW CAN ANYTHING BE IN FRONT OF US. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:20): .@screamking We need you can you come down to the basement please it’s getting weird down here. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:19): RT @screamking sorry can’t too much to do up here but sent @screamqueen to help you. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:18): RT @screamking she should be there soon don’t worry nothing to worry about. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:16): RT @screamking she wasn’t happy about being woken up just fyi. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:15): Okay. Okay. So @screamking is busy and his sleepy sister is coming. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:14): But that’s cool. @deadhot is with me, and we are GHOST HUNTERS EXTRAORDINAIRE. #connollyhouse #somethingiswrong

  @boo_peep (21:10): I ain’t afraid of no ghost. #theclassics #connollyhouse #weshouldntbehere

  @boo_peep (21:08): Something on the stairs…wet. Sticky. Maybe we’re finally reaching the bottom. #connollyhouse #somethingiswrong

  @boo_peep (21:05): Not sure how much longer I’ll have service. Stairs seem to go on forever. More of that wet, sticky stuff. Looks like tar. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (21:00): .@deadhot hold up a second I want to figure out what this stuff is. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:53): OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD. #connollyhouse #getoutgetout #getoutwhileyoucan

  @boo_peep (20:50): BLOOD IT’S BLOOD THERE’S BLOOD ON THE STAIRS. #connollyhouse #weshouldntbehere

  @boo_peep (20:49): HOW DOES BLOOD EVEN GET DOWN HERE. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:45): OK. OK. I am taking deep breaths. I am a professional ghost hunter. It’s just…it’s a rat. There’s a dead rat down here. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:44): a dead rat that bled a lot do rats have this much blood in them. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:42): we should go back we shouldn’t be here @deadhot let’s go back. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (19:40): …where, where did he go? He was just here. WHERE DID HE GO?! #connollyhouse #somethingiswrong

  @boo_peep (20:39): @deadhot @screamqueen @screamking HELLO IS ANYONE THERE I AM FREAKING OUT THIS ISN’T FUNNY. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:38): @deadhot @screamqueen @screamking if this is a joke IT ISN’T FUNNY come get me WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:37): oh god I can’t stop tweeting I’ll be alone and I can’t tell which way is up both ways feel like up. #connollyhouse #somethingiswrong

  @boo_peep (20:35): I think…I think I hear something. I think I hear @deadhot. OK. I’m going to be OK. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:33): How did he get behind me? These stairs are narrow. It doesn’t make sense and I DON’T CARE. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:31): Going to backtrack to catch up with him. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:19): no no no no no no no no no no no no no. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:15): NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:11): I DIDN’T SEE THAT I DIDN’T SEE THAT THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN NONE OF THIS IS HAPPENING. #connollyhouse #getout #nowwhileyoucan

  @boo_peep (20:09): oh god oh god no I can’t I can’t this isn’t real I #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (20:02): OK. #connollyhouse #somethingiswrong

  @boo_peep (19:57): Sorry about that, horror fans. I thought…I saw…something on the stairs. Something that wasn’t really there. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (19:54): I’m better now. I know it was just nerves talking. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (19:50): I know @screamqueen is still upstairs in the library. She’s not skinless and standing in front of the pantry door. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (19:48): Besides, we went down for half an hour. I can’t have gone back up that quickly. See? It’s impossible. #connollyhouse #butisawher

  @boo_peep (19:45): Just like women without skin, standing in front of the pantry door, are impossible. #connollyhouse #shesaidmyname

  @boo_peep (19:40): I think I need to go down again. I can find @deadhot. He’ll tell me this is all a prank. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (19:38): I’ll even forgive him. #connollyhouse #itsnotaprank #getout #timeisbroken

  @boo_peep (19:25): I think I’m back to where I was when we got separated. I’m going further down. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (19:20): The scratches on the walls are getting denser and denser. I can almost read them. I almost know what they say. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (19:18): I…I don’t think I want to know what they say. #connollyhouse #weshouldntbehere

  @boo_peep (19:13): who would write such terrible things o god the things the walls are saying to me make them stop. #connollyhouse #somethingiswrong

  @boo_peep (19:10): don’t make me listen to the walls I can’t I can’t I can’t I #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (19:00): OK. I’m back. I’m…I’m sorry. I just lost track of myself for a little while. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (18:57): Something is wrong with the way the corners are shaped. They have too many angles. Or maybe not enough? #connollyhouse #somethingiswrong

  @boo_peep (18:53): I don’t think corners are supposed to change when you stop looking at them. I think that’s against the rules. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (18:50): please someone reply to me why isn’t anyone replying
are these even making it out of here. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (18:45): maybe they’re all queuing up won’t that be fun when I come back into a service zone. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (18:41): why is the camera on the ground? We don’t get footage when the camera is on the ground. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (18:35): I have the camera now. It feels solid. Reassuring. This is a real thing that we brought in with us. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (18:33): It has the right number of angles. It won’t change, even if I look away. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (18:25): Everything is clearer through the night scope. Even the writing on the walls. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (18:19): I don’t know why I was so scared of it before. It’s just telling me the story of the house. #connollyhouse #somethingiswrong

  @boo_peep (15:15): OH MY GOD IT’S THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (10:11): I didn’t think they would EVER end. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (09:50): The basement is very large, and has no walls or corners, but only blackness, which is silly. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (09:48): Every room has walls. Every room has corners. You need edges to make the world seem real. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (08:50): There is a circle on the floor. There is something in the circle. Something dark and wet. #connollyhouse #dontlook

  @boo_peep (08:42): What the hell is that? What is it? How can it be there? It shouldn’t be here. #connollyhouse #dontlook

  @boo_peep (08:37): That sound again. It’s almost pleasant now. It’s familiar. I’m approaching the circle. #connollyhouse #DONTLOOK

  @boo_peep (08:12): Whatever the thing inside the circle is, it looks solid like nothing else in the basement does. It has edges. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (07:59): It has eyes. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (07:58): o god o god I think I found @deadhot #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (07:50): how #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (07:31): what the fuck what the fuck WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING WHAT THE FU #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (07:06): Wait who’s talking? Oh god WHO IS DOWN HERE WITH ME. #connollyhouse

  @boo_peep (07:03): I can’t find them where are they why won’t they stop oh God. #connollyhouse