by Cory O'Brien
So they play ball
and see, if this was a Roman myth
or maybe like a Norse myth
these guys would totally have won and avenged their father(s)
but like I said, Mayans are assholes
so the gods win again
and they kill the twins and bury them under the ball court.
But there is a TWIST
because it turns out the twins are IMMORTAL SOMEHOW
so they dig themselves up and sneak away
and they come up with a crafty plan
which is to come directly back to the underworld, dressed as traveling performers
and the gods are like “SWEEEET”
because it is boring in Xibalbá without the constant noise of ball playing.
So Hunahpú and Xbalanqué put on a fantastic show full of amazing feats.
Maybe they even do an astonishing magic trick
where they make their names easier to fucking type.
But anyway, for the finale
one of them cuts off the other’s head and then puts it back on without any problems.
So all the gods are like “AAAAWESOME!
DO ME DO ME DO ME.”
And the twins are like “Sure, okay.”
And just go and chop off the gods’ heads without any resistance whatsoever
because that is how slick they are
and then they go dig up their dads and resurrect them
and none of them ever forget how lucky they are
to be able to use their DICKS to get women pregnant.
So the moral of the story
is to ball so hard
mothafuckas wanna murder you and bury you under the ball court.
ZIPACNA AND THE FOUR HUNDRED BOYS
No, this is not the title of a hard-core Mayan gangbang porno.
This is an honest-to-goodness myth from the Popol Vuh
that just HAPPENS to have four hundred boys in it.
Let’s do this:
So Zipacna is the son of this guy named Seven Macaw
who is basically a rogue sun god who hangs out on Earth and causes problems.
Zipacna is responsible for making all the mountains
and he has a bro named Earthquake who is responsible for
PUPPIES.
Wait, no, it’s earthquakes.
Sorry, I read that wrong.
Look, none of that is really that important
except to establish that Zipacna is the sort of dude who CAUSES MOUNTAINS.
So Zipacna is taking a bath in the river one day
and these four hundred boys waltz by
carrying a big tree they just chopped down to make their house with.
They had to chop down a big tree, you see because there are four hundred of them.
They are having some trouble, though
because I guess their eyes were bigger than their biceps.
They are just dropping this tree all over the place
and Zipacna sees them and he’s like “Dudes let me help you with that.”
And then he just picks up the tree all by himself and takes it to the boys’ crib-in-progress
and doesn’t even ask for a tip or anything.
Zipacna is a pretty nice dude.
He is the only one.
’Cause see, then what happens
is the four hundred boys have a meeting
and they’re all like “Guys
Zipacna just did us a major solid.
How should we reward him for his altruism?
Oh
how about WITH MURDER?
Seriously, we cannot have any really strong dudes running around being stronger than us.
We have an inferiority complex!
Or rather
we have FOUR HUNDRED INFERIORITY COMPLEXES.”
So they come up with this brilliant plan
which is that they call up Zipacna and they’re like “Hey, man
thanks for all your help with that big log
but we have another problem now
we need a really big hole for some reason.
We need you to come dig us a really big hole and then stay in it while we bury you alive.
Okay?”
And Zipacna is like “Anything I can do to help.”
But Zipacna is too crafty for their clever ploy!
I mean he digs the hole, sure
but he also digs a special SIDE HOLE to hide in when the four hundred boys try to bury him.
Actually they don’t even try to bury him
they just try to drop a big-ass log down the hole and crush him
which is dumb, because he just lifted one of those for them
and that is why they wanted to kill him in the first place.
But either way, it doesn’t matter because Zipacna is safe in his side hole.
So the boys are all up on the surface celebrating their dumb plan
but then they’re like “Wait!
If Zipacna was really dead we would have heard his death cry just now!”
And Zipacna is like “Oh, uh . . .
Owwww, I’m dead now.”
And the boys are like “PERFECT.
But WAIT!
If Zipacna is really dead
then a bunch of ants will probably show up the day after tomorrow to eat his tasty corpse.
Let’s wait for that to happen so we can make sure he’s really dead.”
So Zipacna just chops off all his hair and bites off all his fingernails
and when the ants show up
he just gives all his hair and fingernails to the ants
and they all scamper all over the place carrying his body stuff
because I guess ants think hair is delicious?
Reason number a million not to be an ant.
Anyway, then the boys are TOTALLY CONVINCED.
So obviously they all go get trashed to celebrate their totally bogus victory
and meanwhile Zipacna tunnels out of his hole
and then he crushes all four hundred boys inside the house he helped them build.
So the moral of the story
is that I don’t care what your mom says
biting your fingernails may just save your life.
JUDEO-CHRISTIAN
So here’s a religion you may have heard of.
In fact, I am willing to bet that nine out of ten of you
when you hear the word “religion”
think of this one first.
But did you know
that this popular high-school jock of religions
is JUST AS SUPREMELY MESSED UP as all the other ones?
Yeah, no foolin’.
And it’s even crazier
because what masquerades as a single holy book
is actually more like a short-story collection by like a million crazy desert dudes!
I’m mainly gonna focus on the Old Testament in this section
because the Old Testament God gets up to some seriously brutal shit
but the New Testament
(the one with Jesus in it and stuff)
is messed up in a whole other way.
OKAY, ENOUGH TALK
LET THE FIASCOS BEGIN!
GOD MAKES A LOT OF STUFF
Okay so God, right?
No, I didn’t leave out any letters up there.
That is not a typo.
No, see, in this pantheon
THERE IS ONLY ONE GOD.
I KNOW.
PRETTY LAME.
But anyway, this God guy is facing a problem that you should be pretty familiar with at this point.
The problem is that there is water AND NOTHING ELSE.
ALSO IT’S SUPER DARK.
So BAM, he invents light, day one
and then he misses the dark part so he invents night too
and then he’s like “Oh, looks like it’s nighttime.
Better go to sleep.”
DA
Y TWO:
God basically just makes a big divider right in the middle of the water
and all the water below the line is earth
and all the water above the line is heaven.
(This is why angels are traditionally depicted wearing scuba gear.)
Day three is when God finally gets around to inventing dry land.
Seriously?
It took Ra like all of thirty seconds
to invent dry land AND HIMSELF.
Is this just not something that occurred to God until he had two nights to sleep on it?
Oh, and he makes plants too.
On day four God invents the sun and the moon and the stars
which begs the question
WHERE WAS THE LIGHT COMING FROM BEFORE?
And then he’s like “Oh shit, the moon.
Better go to sleep.”
This dude needs an awful lot of sleep for an omnipotent dude
which may explain why wars happen.
So on day five, God invents animals.
ESPECIALLY WHALES.
The Bible is very specific on this point.
By day six, God is pretty pleased.
He’s like “Wow, this is awesome.
How can I ruin it?”
So he invents mankind
and also cows
because he forgot about cows.
Then he gets real hammered to celebrate
and he passes out on Saturday
and doesn’t wake up until MONDAY.
In fact he sleeps through Sunday SO HARD
that NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO DO WORK ON SUNDAY EVER AGAIN.
That is a true power nap.
So when he finally wakes up
he makes this garden called the Garden of Eden
and he puts the guy he made in there
and the man (whose name is Adam) is like “God, I’m bored.”
and God is like “Ooh, I know a great game we can play.
It’s called name all the animals.
Ready? Go.”
So Adam falls for this transparent ruse to get him to do God’s work for him
and he names all the animals
but then he gets done doing that and he is like “Still bored, God.”
And God is like “Okay, I got this.”
And BAM
knocks him out and steals one of his ribs.
This is some straight-up Tijuana shit is what this is.
So Adam wakes up in a bathtub full of ice
like “Whaaaat happened?”
and God is like “Look, dude, I made you a chick.
She is made of your rib, so she might be kinda dumb
I tried just making one out of clay, like how I made you
but she was harboring all these problematic delusions of equality
so I had to find a workaround
anyway, she’s totally hot, so don’t worry about it.
Oh, by the way, I should warn you guys
you can totally eat from any tree in the garden
EXCEPT FOR THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE OF GOOD AND EVIL
THAT ONE OVER THERE
THE TOTALLY UNGUARDED ONE WITH THE DELICIOUS-LOOKING APPLES”
and Adam and Eve are like “Okay, whatever dude”
(Eve is the name of the chick God made, by the way)
and they go off somewhere to bone.
But there is a SERPENT in this garden.
I think he is supposed to be Satan
but really I think he’s just a serpent who happens to be a big jerk.
This serpent runs up on Eve when she is off on her own
and he is like “Hey, gurl, try one of these apples.”
And Eve is like “YOU MEAN THE APPLES OF KNOWLEDGE?
THE ONES THAT GOD EXPLICITLY FORBID US FROM EATING??
NOOOO WAY.”
And the serpent is like “No, come on.”
And Eve is like “Okay.”
So she eats the apple
and it is DELICIOUS
and so she takes the rest of it to Adam, all like “Here, eat this.”
And Adam is like “What? No, God said if we ate that then we would die or something.”
And Eve is like “Uhhh . . . totally still alive over here.”
And Adam is like “Okay, fair point.”
So he eats the apple
and suddenly both of them realize HOW INCREDIBLY NAKED THEY ARE.
THIS IS WHAT THE TREE DOES
IT LETS YOU KNOW YOU’RE NAKED
THE MYTHICAL TREE OF KNOWLEDGE OF GOOD AND EVIL
COULD HAVE EASILY BEEN REPLACED
BY A FIVE-DOLLAR MIRROR FROM A COLOMBIAN BROTHEL.
So they make themselves some clothes, ’cause they’re embarrassed
and then God wakes up from one of his meganaps
and he’s like “HEY
WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU YOU WERE NAKED?”
See, this was his big plan.
His big plan was just to look at naked people all day.
Now the plan is ruined so he responds in the rational way
which is to put curses on everybody and then kick them out of his garden.
He curses the serpent to have to crawl on its belly forever
apparently forgetting that that is what SERPENTS DO ALL THE TIME
and he curses Eve to undergo tremendous pain during childbirth
because apparently he is able to imagine some crazy parallel universe
where pushing something the size of a screaming football out of your vag
is somehow NOT INCREDIBLY PAINFUL
and then he curses Adam to toil endlessly
and Adam is like “Come on!
Couldn’t you just curse me to like . . .
have testicles or something?”
But by then he is already kicked out of Eden
and there is a big flaming sword guarding the door
and there is nothing left to do
but have a bunch of kids and try to forget the whole fiasco.
So the moral of the story
is to never be naked
because God is a creepy pervert who invented you so he could look at your junk.
CAIN AND ABEL INVENT THE SIBLING RIVALRY
So Adam and Eve know each other.
Oh wait
I read that wrong.
Adam and Eve totally have SEX with each other.
It’s just that the Bible is cagey about shit like that
so instead of writing “Adam boned Eve in a moist, raunchy sex fiasco.”
the Bible guys would put “Adam KNEW Eve in a moist, raunchy sex fiasco.”
It’s awesome once you know about it
and now you do.
BUT SO ANYWAY
Adam and Eve bang the daylights out of each other
and they have two kids: Cain and Abel
and these dudes are farmers
because what else are they gonna do?
No one has built any of the cool stuff yet.
So Abel becomes a sheep farmer
and Cain becomes a vegetables farmer.
Then harvest time comes
(I am guessing that harvest time for sheep is whenever they start to piss you off)
and Abel makes an offering to the LORD
(always in all caps, by the way)
of like, the fattest sheep he owns.
Dude, he could have totally eaten that.
MEANWHILE
Cain makes an offering
of all his choicest vegetables
and God gets all of these things
and he is like “OH SNAP
DELICIOUS LAMB MEAT
THAT I HAVE NO USE FOR BECAUSE I AM IMMORTAL AND OMNIPOTENT AND STUFF.
GOOD JOB, ABEL.
BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT, CAIN?
VEGETABLES?
IF I WANTED TO EAT VEGETABLES
WHY DO YOU THINK I INVENTED MEAT HUH?
YOU’RE NOT MY DAD, CAIN.
&n
bsp; YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR ME.”
So Cain goes and hits up Abel later.
He’s like “Yo, bro
God really dug your offering, huh?”
and Abel is like “Yeah, well, it was pretty sweet.”
And Cain is like “Yeah . . . yeah . . .
Hey listen, I actually dug something of yours as well.”
And Abel is like “Oh yeah, what is it?”
And Cain is like “YOUR GRAVE, MOTHERFUCKER!”
Then he stabs him and puts him underground
thus SINGLE-HANDEDLY INVENTING MURDER.
Yeah
before this, murder didn’t even exist.
Cain is seriously like the Thomas Edison of stabbing people.
So pretty soon God comes poking around
like “HEY, ABEL
ME AND THE HOLY GHOST ARE HAVING A BARBECUE.
GOT ANY MORE OF THAT DELICIOUS LAMB MEAT?”
And then he sees Cain and he’s like “OH HEY, DIPSHIT
NO, I DON”T WANT ANY VEGETABLES
THERE IS NOT GOING TO BE A ‘VEGAN OPTION’ AT THIS BARBECUE.
HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR BROTHER ANYWHERE?”
And Cain is like “What? Noooo.
What am I, my brother’s babysitter or some shit?
Find him yourself.”
And God is like “Oh hold on, I’m getting a phone call.
Hello?
Oh hi, Abel’s blood.
What’s that?
Cain murdered you and hid you underground
foolishly believing that six feet of dirt would obscure you from THE OMNISCIENT CREATOR?!
YOU DON’T SAY.
CAIN, YOU ARE SO GETTING PUNISHED.”
So he curses Cain so that the earth will refuse to get farmed by him
and he has to roam forever and everyone will hate him
and Cain is like “But, Godddd
now everyone I meet is just gonna kill me.”
And God is like “Oh, good point.
How about I make a law that says no one can kill you
and I put a mark on you to let everyone know that you are a dude not to kill?”
And Cain is like “Uh . . . yes.”
At this stage of the Bible, God is not very good at coming up with punishments.
Don’t worry, he gets way better.
But yeah, then Cain goes off to live in the land of Nod
and everyone is either unhappy or dead or omnipotent.
So the moral of the story
is that God hates vegetarians.
ABRAHAM IS TOTALLY COOL ABOUT STABBING HIS KID IN THE FACE
Seriously?
SERIOUSLY?
Okay, here we go:
So one day this guy named Abraham is out working in the fields
